Friday, September 23, 2011

Better Take Its Word For It: Don't Go in the Woods (Alone!) (1981)

Don't Go in the woods (AKA "Don't go in the woods...Alone!) (1981)
Rating: 1/2
Starring: Jack McClelland, Mary Gail Artz and Angie Brown

Four young campers, Craig, Peter, Ingrid and Joanie, back-pack through the mountains for a relaxing weekend being one with nature...as always. With the forest becoming denser and darker, Peter and Ingrid fear that they are lost. But lurking among the bushes and the woods themselves is no animal, as a large figure begin making their way through anyone, hacking them to death. And when one of their own gets this figure's blade into his flesh, our gang flees into the forest. Now with a deranged maniac on their trail, who will survive in the forest?


I'm sorry, but I'll be very personal with this one. It's awful. Its more awful than any SYFY wannabe horror out there. It's more awful than any SOV horror trash big shot Lionsgate is willing to pass on as entertainment! It's more awful than a baked pickle! And I have a high tolerance for awful baked pickles!

Technically, it's four campers, with lazy scripts uttering out of their porktraps, walking around the forest all day for the first hour, while people around are dying off in rather gory methods with hardly anybody noticing any of that! In fact, one of them dead folks even drops in, literally, near our gang while they play in a stream like some fucktarts on PCP! I mean this body could have been touching them, yet they still continue to play around! To top it all worse, we got the usual lard arse sheriff topping a comedy duo with his deputy, crashing in a tad too late too many times to stop a murder, resulting to many of his beloved, randomly placed city trash tourists going headless or be stabbed to death. The murders, oh god, the murders! They're completely atrocious! I'm fine with spear stabs but, come on, accordions are not scary! So stop playing the fucking instrument every time there's a kill!

Shit goes to epic proportions when a manhunt takes place and we finally get to see the killer. Honestly, it hardly mattered anymore then cuz every ounce of my expectations just went down the toilet then, seeing how underwhelming the stabby fella is.

... ... ... ... ... ...
I'm sorry, I just can't crack a joke at this one...

I can't even believe I just went through all of this. What came over me?! Was it desperation? Was it for experience? God, if I have known it was that horrible, I should've just took somebody's word for it and make a review out of that instead of torturing myself with this Municipal Waste!

I better turn off my laptop now after deleting this movie from my files. After a while, I'll see you when I recover from this mindrape I just experienced.


Deers are...

1 female killed offscreen
1 male had his arm lopped off, knifed to death
1 male pulled off a cliff and lands on a rock
1 female stabbed
1 male seen bloodied against a van window
1 female crushed inside of toppling van, burned to death
1 female speared to death 
1 male and 1 female knifed to death
1 male gets a projected bear trap crush his face, impaled with a spear
1 male slashed to death with spear
1 male impaled by thrown sharpened log
1 female hacked to death with machete
1 male stabbed and hacked to death
Total: 14

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