Me Hoy Minoy!: Shiver Me Timbers (2025)

Shiver Me Timbers (United Kingdom, 2025)

Rating: **1/2

Starring: Murdo Adams, Stephen Corrall, Paul Dewdney

Popeye The Slayer Man? Popeye's Revenge? And now, Shiver Me Timbers?! It looks like 2025 is going to be the year of Popeye slashers thanks to the old cartoon sea dog entering public domain and while I am not totally sure if I'm on board with this trend of vilifying heroic ole' Popeye The Sailor Man as a slasher monster, so long as the oddity of it all keeps it entertaining, I guess.

And odd is exactly the word for this one; taking place in 1986, siblings Ollie and Castor Oyl tag along their friends to camp out at a Northern Californian backwoods and watch the meteor shower accompanying Halley's comet, as well as the occasional booze chugging, weed smoking and premarital sexy time! In between all of this casualness, they nearly run over an old sailor guy who's out there to fish and, too, stop a pair of violent punks from beating up a poor vagrant who, in turn, doomsays that the comet is Evil!!!

True enough, a teeny-tiny piece of a meteor happens to float into the aforementioned sailor guy's pipe, which he thought nothing of and proceeds to smoke it. Little did he know, huffing and puffing the space rock has otherworldly consequences, mainly being mutated into a brawny monster man with a cartoonishly deformed face, with nothing but brutal murder in mind.

That said, guess who this mutant Popeye just happens to stumble upon no soon after?

With an obvious low budget and a firm tongue pressed in a cheek, Shiver me Timbers (2025) practically embraced the absurdity of making a slasher movie out of Popeye the Sailor Man, throwing in a weird premise involving deadly meteor showers, excessively splattery kills and one of the funniest looking Popeye killer so far, dubbed 'Monster Popeye", into a melting pot full of bad cheese! Granted that the shoestring production can get really distracting with all the bargain bin visuals populated by laughably bad computer graphics and store-bought practical effects, not to mention the caricature-quality character writing and acting, as well as the numerous sloppy editing, that's kinda the fun point of this movie. It's so bad, it's sort of respectable for how silly it can get! 

Shiver Me Timbers (2025) never feels like the kind of movie that'll detail why a meteor fragment caused one old sailor to hulk-out into a killer juggernaut, or go deep into Ollie's dilemma about leaving for college. No, it's the kind where a mutant man rips off a fat bloke's head while the fella uses an outhouse, and then follow the murder up with the head living long enough to horribly witness his killer pop a squat down on his freshly decapitated neck stump. Or have a finale that's greatly inspired by Evil Dead II (1987) as Ollie finds a giant gas-powered buzzsaw constructed by an crazy wheelchair-bound coot and do battle with it against a savage sailor man who, at that point, starts uttering Popeye quotes. It's the kind of movie that, honestly, isn't going to win a big crowd, but will sit well for those who wouldn't mind wasting a good hour and ten-ish minutes on a juvenile slasher littered with trashy charms and nasty kills just for the giggles!

In all honesty, the fact that we have a killer Popeye as a villain for a story that has barely anything to do with the cartoons is pretty much telling that Shiver Me Timbers (2025) is meant to be a joke. How well you take this joke, though, may depend on your tolerance for bad movies. Really bad movies. What say you, sailor?

Bodycount:

1 male had his head pulverized with a punch

1 male had his head torn off

1 male skewered through the arse with a baseball bat, exits to mouth

1 female seen decapitated

1 female gets a meteorite through the head

1 male found dismembered

1 male dunked inside a barrel of toxic waste, melted

1 male beaten to death with a wooden plank

1 male stomped on the head

1 male nearly sliced in half by an oversized gas-powered buzzsaw (?)

Total: 10 (?)

A Sailor Man Disgustipated: Popeye The Slayer Man (2025) and Popeye's Revenge (2025) Double Bill Review

Very much like the case of Winnie The Pooh: Blood And Honey (2023), beloved spinach-eating, bad guy-bopping Popeye The Sailor Man joins the troublesome train of childhood characters getting reformed into brutal killers once he entered public domain in 2025, resulting to movies like Popeye The Slayer Man (2025) and Popeye's Revenge (2025)! Now, as a kid who grew up watching the sailor beat away villains and saving his dame, Olive Oyl, time and time again (Oh, those cherished Monday nights!), seeing him turned into a massacring monster should've got me feeling disgustipated, but as a hardcore slasher fan, I just got curious.

So curious, in fact, I watched these two back to back! Was I crazy to do that? Of course! But I had a warm cheeseburger and a pack of fresh onion rings that evening, so why not pair those with a couple of dumb movies? 

~~~

Popeye The Slayer Man (2025)
Rating: ***
Starring: Jason Robert Stephens, Sarah Nicklin, Angela Relucio

Blow me down. I actually like this one!

University student Dexter is doing a video documentary about a local town legend known as the "Sailor Man", who apparently haunts the abandoned and soon-to-be demolished Anchor Bay spinach cannery. He's joined by his bestfriend Lisa, her boyfriend Seth, their friend Katie, and a mysterious newcomer named Olivia who's deeply interested about the urban legend. The gang plans on filming around the factory later that night for quality shots, as well as do a bit of junior investigation around what exactly led to the place shutting down two decades ago. While all of this is happening, Katie's abusive boyfriend and his cronies are convinced she's cheating, so they start stalking the place to confront her.

Unbeknownst to all of these hapless souls, the Sailor Man is real; with his deformed face and equally misshapen, overly muscular arms, he stomps around the factory to crush some heads and tear off a few limbs. Particularly of those who dare enter his territory...

Popeye The Slayer Man (2025) is what it is, a cheesed-up slasher with a ridiculous premise, one that actually brought some good material to poke fun at; while the characters are your trope-types ranging from the nerdy protagonist and his cool girl love interest, to the lovey-dovey couple and despicable douchebags that are just in it for the kill count, they're set around a story that's basic yet workably outrageous, centering on bad spinach cover-ups and a mutated man-monster with distinctive brutality. It walks a fine line between being a satire of the Popeye franchise with its name drops and visual Easter eggs (I guess that guy will have to pay another food joint Tuesday for a cheeseburger today), and a murder-focused B-grade bodycounter that generously delivers splashy kills and chunky gore, the resulting product being this odd yet entertaining ham of a movie that can get predictable with its direction, but makes up for it with a few laughs and loads of the red stuff. Loads.

At times, the low budget does show whenever we get a good look at our killer Popeye up-close, the rubbery texture of the practical effects done for his face and tumorous arms visibly obvious. Due to this, it's sometimes hard to feel scared for our characters whenever the Sailor Man is out getting them, though we do have some expressive lightning here and there that definitely gave him an intimidating presence, as silly as he looks with his caricature face, bulbous arms and his strangely prim sailor uniform. (Like, he's been hiding in that dusty spinach factory for years, how the heck is that uniform not worn out?) Plus, he has lore. The movie actually took the time to build a silly lore behind this monster, one involving unsanitary canned vegetables, whistleblowers and a long lost swee'pea that, somehow, makes him sympathetic, even! I have to give the movie points for that!

To simply put it, Popeye The Slayer Man (2025) is a movie not meant for serious eyes, but for those who love a bad slasher! Cheesy to the core, too silly to ignore, pop this Popeye in with hot popcorn and anchors away!

Bodycount:

1 male disemboweled

1 male had his head crushed open, brain spilled out

1 female killed offscreen

1 male had his head stomped

1 female had her scalp torn off, crushed in a hydraulic press

1 male had his eyes thumbed, head twisted

1 male had his neck crushed with an anchor, decapitated

1 male impaled by dropped steel rods

1 female falls unto steel rods, impaled

1 male beaten to death with his own torn arm

1 male had his head crushed 

Total: 11

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Popeye's Revenge (United Kingdom, 2025)
Rating: *1/2

Starring: Emily Mogilner, Connor Powles, Danielle Ronald

From ITN Studios, who produced the infamous Winnie The Pooh: Blood and Honey franchise, comes this darkly tale of a deformed boy who drowned in a lake, now haunting the woods as a supernatural undead hulk, hellbent on murdering he comes across. 

Yeah. Hadn't heard of that before. Totally original. (If I had a nickle...)

Popeye's Revenge (2025) starts with an animated narration about a boy named Johnny (Nicknamed "Popeye"), who was born with a cartoonish chin, even more cartoonish forearms, and immense strength. Because of his odd appearance, he's constantly bullied at school to the point he eventually snaps one day, strangling another kid dead. Horrified by this, Johnny's parents hide away him in a basement until this whole thing blows over, his only companion a mysterious pen pal who passes him notes through a secret door. It isn't long before the angry mob find out where the boy is hidden and they torch down the house, killing Johnny's family and him barely escaping the blaze, only to seemingly drown in a nearby lake. Now, it is said that Johnny's spirit lives within the lake's fog and whenever it rolls in, it means nothing more than the arrival of a vengeful burnt brute. (Dressed as a sailor)

Cut to the present and we learn that Johnny's old home was rebuilt mysteriously over the years, and a young adult Tara has inherited it after her gramma passed away. Hoping to turn it into a haunted attraction to help her folks with their money problems, she invites her friends over to get the place cleaned up, unaware that the foggy presence of "Popeye" and a mysterious accomplice has set their eyes on hunting and ending them the moment they arrive.

As you can tell, Popeye's Revenge (2025) takes a different stab on ole' Popeye The Sailor Man, one that's barely Popeye at all. There's little to no reference to the cartoon source material and, instead, simply have its killer dress up as a half-burnt sailor (in a lake) and beef up his arms a bit. In fact, take all the Popeye stuff away and just make Johnny a random vengeful revenant cursed with deformity, you'd still have the same picture show! Sadly, the story it chooses to tell is barely showcasing anything new, with the killer's origins, for one, a hodge-podge of Friday The 13th's Jason Voorhees, A Nightmare on Elm Street's Fred Krueger and even a bit of the undead ghosts killers from John Carpenter's The Fog (1980). The plot dearly tries to make something unique out of this monstrosity, but its supposed supernatural angle is handled so poorly, it's practically nonexistent and pointless, leaving us with nothing more than another killer-in-the-backwoods dead teenager movie littered with boring and unlikable youngsters. 

If there's anything to praise here, it would be the fact that Popeye's Revenge (2025) has some decent camera work here and there, its sizeable kills are never dry of blood (Though some of the props used are obviously Halloween decors, just look how stiff that freshly torn spine is!), and its "Popeye slasher" looks intimidating given that you ignore the silly matter that he's wearing a cartoon sailor's uniform in the middle of the damn woods for some reason. (In fact, why was he wearing a sailor's uniform when he was still alive?) It has that faint whiff of cheese, sure, but it doesn't really feel like it's openly approaching its silliness that much, focusing more on straight shlock that partially works.

In the end, uninspired plotting and clumsy execution is the undoing of Popeye's Revenge (2025), and no amount of splatter and slaughter can save itself from being a tired effort. That's all I can stands, an' I can stands no more! 

Bodycount:

1 boy strangled until his eyes popped off (flashback)

1 male and 1 female burned to death (flashback)

1 boy caught on fire, drowned in a lake (flashback)

1 female hacked with an anchor, head stomped

1 female punched through the chest

1 male had his head crushed

1 male garroted to death

1 female had her throat crushed with an anchor, drowned in a jacuzzi

1 male gets an anchor to the groin, spine and head torn off

1 male shoved eye-first to a broken plank

1 female shredded through with a riding lawnmower

1 female strangled with a length of chain until her eyes popped off

1 female caught in an exploding car

1 male knifed to death

1 female set on fire

1 female had her neck broken

Total: 17

A Birthday Wish To Perish: The Debutantes (2017)

The Debutantes (Philippines, 2017)
Rating: *
Starring: Sue Ramirez, Miles Ocampo, Michelle Vito

Stop me if you heard this before: a weird lonesome girl gets befriended by someone from a popular clique and then invited to a party where she's humiliated by a prank, resulting to unspeakable horrors to those responsible.

Yep, that's Stephen King's Carrie. 

The Debutantes (2017) by Filipino director Prime Cruz is basically this for a good deal of the run, following quiet kid Kate (Sue Ramirez) as she befriends her classmate and neighbor Lara (Mile Ocampo) while helping her out with some math lessons. Grateful for getting her grades up, Lara invites Kate to a debut party (A Filipino celebration of a girl's 18th birthday) where Lara's circle of bullying buddies, unfortunately, decide to traumatize the lonesome girl by undoing the top of her dress, revealing some rather unsettling scars to the entire crowd. Humiliated, Kate rushes home, while Lara, who wasn't in on the so-called prank, chastises the group for their actions.

It isn't long before something is making sure the girls are properly punished for their part on embarrassing Kate, involving ghostly doppelgangers, a creature that kinda looks like a man made from soggy black mush, and deaths. Uncreative, boring, vanilla deaths.

I mean, the first kill was staged pretty okay, with creepy visuals, some good tension with the possessed self-diving car, and a good bloody payoff at the end. But the rest, we have someone getting strangled with a necklace, an abuser suffering a heart attack, and a swimmer getting drowned. Not, uh, not really impressed, sad to say. As if the predictable plotting and twists aren't lame enough to slowly knock me out into sleeping. (A twist character here is only onscreen whenever Kate is around. Who wouldn't connect the dots and see that reveal coming?!)

Cinematography is alright, though, I'll give the movie that. Acting is so-and-so, focusing a lot on the teenage dramatics in the film's attempt to establish some form of depth around its really small casts. (Like, really small. Where the hell are these girls' parents?) The quick pacing of the direction, its paper-thin characters and an abundance of hammy lines, however, didn't do much good for The Debutantes (2017)'s approach on emotional and psychological turmoil, resulting to a very stale horror shlock that's been done better.

Needless to say, The Debutantes (2017) is a supernatural slasher hokum I find hard to praise as there's hardly anything to praise at all. The story is done to death, the deaths lack spectacle, and the spectacle is missing in its execution. What else is there to say but go watch Carrie (1976) instead. Or Evilspeak (1981) if you're in a slasher mood. 

Bodycount:

1 female gets into a car collision against a truck, smashes through a windshield

1 female strangled with a necklace

1 female drowned in a pool

1 male suffers a heart attack (flashback)

1 female stabbed in the gut with a knife

1 female killed offscreen

Total: 6

Bowling Over Dead: The 13th Alley (2008)

The 13th Alley (2008)

Rating: **

Starring: Robert Carradine, Randy Wayne, Bobb Hopkins

Back in 2008, slasher fans were treated with a horror movie that's as cheesy and sleazy as it is vile and gruesome, revolving around a rather obscene rape-and-revenge plot packed with fun gore effects and a hammy yet memorable masked killer, all of which centered around a dirty bowling alley. Some abhorred it, many loved it, overall it's a mini-cult classic of the splattery kind.

There's also The 13th Alley (2008).

Justin, special effects student and manager of Zodos Bowling & Beyond bowling alley, often uses his position and talents to hold private late-night games of "strip bowling", as well as pranking his buddies and their dates with realistic blood and guts. One of these evenings, however, didn't end too well when they tag along a random girl from the arcades to hang out with them, only for her to completely lose her cool upon seeing one of Justin's realistic prop heads rolling out from the ball return as a joke. It turns out the girl has a bit of history concerning her father decapitating his boss out of vengeful spite, a real deal of trauma that have her storming out. 

This incident is mostly brushed off the next night when the gang agree to do another round of "strip bowling", this time inviting over a Jamaican gal who happens to practice Voodoo hypnotism (No. Really.) It's all fun and games (as well as sex and pizza), until someone literally loses a head and a growling cloaked figure wearing an oversized knight helmet begins to stalk the alleys for more victims to behead and dismember with their bloody battle axe.

The 13th Alley (2008), in all honesty, mostly feels like a parody; its writing is as ridiculous as the kooky ensemble of characters, paired alongside gaggles of questionable acting and a direction that hams up a lot. At times the movie tries to play itself straight, usually during its slasher scenes, but it's undoubtedly hard to take any of the story seriously when you have couples making out after seemingly aroused by a prop rat falling down into a pizza oven, or a 'Voodoo' hypnotist trying to put someone in a trance by rolling her eyes over and over. We also have Robert Carradine as a zealous handyman being way too obvious of a red herring by babbling about God and prayers every single time he's on screen, and the Wilhelm Scream on loop as one poor chap loses a hand, I kid you not.

It's ineptly bad, but there's a hypnotic quality to its ineptness, so much so that it almost feels like a throwback to the old days of late night cable horror-thons or weekend drive-in features. Almost. You could say that The 13th Alley (2008)'s shlocky quality and high camp give it a so-bad-it's-good entertainment value, though its overall curiousness can get a tad bit distracting at times, especially when it gets in the way of the movie's more interesting ideas. Or a decent killing spree. Then again, if you're the tolerable and forgiving-type when it comes to horror films oozing with musty cheese, then this is a watchable effort. It's terrible, but at least it has a bit of fun here and there. 

Bodycount:

1 male found decapitated, head seen

1 female found decapitated, head seen

1 female knifed in the gut

1 male hacked in the chest with a battle axe

1 male drilled through the head

1 male hacked on the gut with a battle axe

1 female dismembered offscreen, parts seen

1 male killed with a battle axe

Total: 8

The Morbid Pursuit Of The Art Of Murder: R.S.V.P. (2002)

R.S.V.P. (2002)
Rating: ***1/2
Starring: James M. Churchman, Sharon Bruneau, Scott Workman

Picture Alfred Hitchcock's Rope (1948) reimagined as a slasher, written by Kevin Smith and featuring Patrick Bateman from American Psycho (2000) as the killer. This is what R.S.V.P. (2002) is, for better or worse.

Criminology student Nick 'The Prick' Collier (Rick Otto) is hosting a leaving party for his friend Jimmy (Lucas Babin), as the guy prepares to relocate with his girlfriend Jordan (Brandi Andres), who happens to be Nick's ex. One by one, the guests arrive, consisting of their friends (among them Jason Mewes of Jay & Silent Bob fame playing a stoner, because of course), Jimmy's family, as well as their professor, Hal Evans (Glenn Quinn), and it's mostly fun and games with a bit of tarot card reading, weed smoking and cocktail mixing. There is also Hal's discussions circling around the idea of murder being an art form, something that puts plenty of the partygoers on a sour mood seeing how passionate, borderline obsessed he is about it. 

And there's the matter of Jimmy not showing up to his own party which is starting to worry some of the guests. Not to mention Nick acting a little suspicious about a particular piece of decorative chest in the living room. Needless to say, something is very off about the party and things are about to get way worse when Nick begins murdering away one unfortunate soul at a time, seemingly inspired by the very atrocities he learned studying serial killers...

Rather than your routine stalk-and-stab, R.S.V.P. (2002) has its focus more on dark humor and trenchant characters, often delving into situational comedy territory following Nick's attempt to juggle running a party, killing off the guests and then hiding away the bodies just to keep things running as smoothly as he plans it. We're pretty much in on the joke and, frankly, it is a intriguing set-up for a slasher, more so a homage to Rope (1948), as the plot keeps a constant academic yet reckless angle on the murders, mostly within dialogues shared between Nick and Prof. Evans as they pretentiously yet captivatingly run their mouths toward philosophizing serial killing, all in the midst of good acting and writing. It's without a doubt this movie's engaging highlight, though this does mean it can get a bit talky and flaunty in its direction.

The kills themselves have little blood to speak of, preferring showy deaths than over-the-top splatter which may drive away gorehounds, though the film makes up for it with flashy effects and editing, as well as a lot of quirky scenes of our killer finding fun ways to dispose the guests and the troublesome tasks of storing away the remains right after. It isn't long before we're back with the usual slasher climax of a final girl fending off the villain, though this one comes with a rather amusing confession as Nick points out the absurdity of serial killers always needing an alibi for their massacres, and how his killing spree is brag-worthy different as he did it because he simply could. The oddity of it all continues to the film's last few scenes, wherein our survivors relax with a roll of joint after defeating the killer, capping off that night's dreadful experience by stating the dilemma of them needing new friends to hang out with now. It's dumb but, hey, it could be so much worse.

R.S.V.P. (2002) is weird, but it's the agreeable kind of weird! Ostentatious, sure, but it makes for a quaint and eccentric watch! 

Bodycount:

1 male stabbed in the gut with a knife

1 female knifed to death, blood splash seen

1 female brained with a cane

1 male kicked down an elevator shaft

1 female had her neck snapped

1 male shot with a nailgun

1 female shot to death with a nailgun

1 male strangled to death with a guitar string

1 female drowned in a pot of boiling water

1 male stuffed inside a chest, suffocated

1 male found dead inside a garbage bag

1 male shot, stabbed with a broken bong

1 male knocked off a building, lands on a parked car

Total: 13

A Bad Case of Bad Frankie: Toga Party Massacre (1988)

Toga Party Massacre (1988 Short)

Rating: **1/2

Starring: Raymond Whalen, Matt Kolata, Waltt Hunnicutt.

They say that if you dig into the bottom barrel bins deep enough, the bottom barrel bins will dig themselves up for you. When that happens, you'll either be soaked in bad celluloid slurry, or uncover a little gem hidden within the mess of bad lighting and horrible acting. 

That said: Toga Party Massacre (1988).

In response to the parents heading out for the night, two young ladies hold a toga party with their friends and learn about Frankie Robertson, who was supposedly killed back in 1964 after getting trapped inside and crushed dead by a collapsing house. No body was ever found from the rubbles and a new house was built ten years later at the foundation of the old one. The very same house where the toga party is behind held. Now, seemingly awakened by the noise, Frankie comes back to life, masked up as the Frankenstein Monster and with a real murderous streak.

Just 35 minutes short and made with little to no budget, Toga Party Massacre (1988) shouldn't work considering how thin the story is and there's nothing remotely grand about the massacre itself as not only are most of the kills done offcamera, those we do get to see are hardly splatter masterpieces. And yet, the sheer enthusiasm of the actors and the nonsensical energy of its direction have me laughing a good time, from people warning one another of an impending threat through charades, to wonky war veteran neighbors who the killer would rather walk away from rather than face a second time! This is a slasher parody made out of love for the subgenre and pure do-it-yourself spirit, a production so ineptly bad and carefree that it's comically good, at least in terms of bite-sized horror entertainment! 

While the shoestring quality can be distracting, nothing in this film is meant to be taken seriously and I'm saying that as a compliment! Toga Party Massacre (1988) is the kind of quick-and-easy video shlock one watches with a cool beer on one hand, popcorn bowl on the other, and a gullet full of chuckles!

Bodycount:

1 male slaughtered mostly offscreen, arm torn off

1 female slaughtered offscreen

1 male knifed in the back

1 female murdered offscreen

1 male ran through with a powerdrill

Total: 5

One Hell Of A Date Night: Heart Eyes (2025)

Heart Eyes (2025)

Rating: ****

Starring: Mason Gooding, Olivia Holt, Gigi Zumbado

Did you ever wish, as a slasher fanatic, those run-in-the-mill Hallmark rom-coms would get interrupted by an insane masked killer, chopping down one, two or, hell, maybe even an entire room of annoying characters just for the maniacal fun of it? Well, you lovable yet disturbed creature, set your heart for Heart Eyes (2025)!

For the past two years, a serial killer donning a mask with red cartoon hearts for eyes have been slaying couples every Valentines Day, terrorizing Boston, and then Philadelphia. For this year, the "Heart Eyes Killer" (Or HEK for short) picks Seattle as their next hunting ground, opening the scene with them attacking a hilariously botched, hashtag-worthy proposal at a vineyard, gorily snuffing out a photographer, a random worker, and the unfortunate couple. The media, of course, caught wind of the massacre, which reeks nothing but trouble for young advertising executive Ally (Lauren O’Hara), whose campaign for a jewelry brand includes commercials focusing on doomed couples such as Romeo and Juliet, Bonnie and Clyde, and Titanic (1997)'s Jack and Rose. 

The focus group is disgusted and outraged, calling the campaign exploitative. The company head is upset nobody told her about the masked loon brutally dispatching couples every Valentines for the last two years, thus making her look bad for approving the pitch. Both are practically out for Ally's head but, as luck would have it, she's instead given a chance to save her own arse and all she has to do is help out the new hire Jay (Mason Gooding), an in-demand concept master. Funny thing about this is that both Ally and Jay met earlier at a coffee shop, where the two not-flirt with one another with awkward banter and dad jokes. Now Jay is asking Ally to join him at a fancy restaurant later that night to discuss their plans on fixing the project, a suggestion that gets into Ally's skin as she's practically helping a guy who could easily replace her, not to mention that she's still reeling from a break-up, something not helped by her social media stalking her ex-boyfriend.

With Jay's attempts to make the smooth and suave dinner business talk work not doing too well against Ally's hard front, who sees his romantic act as a sham, the two eventually agrees to just head out for the night. That was until Ally spots her ex and his new girl heading to the same restaurant, thus mindlessly posturing a passionate kiss with Jay in an attempt to make her former beau jealous. A classic rom-com trope, for sure, one that caught the attention of a spying Heart Eyes Killer, mistaking it as a genuine act of love. For the rest of the night, hilarity ensues. As well as a rising bodycount.

You could say that Heart Eyes (2025) is the best of both worlds; as a slasher, it's brutally red with its murders and killer themselves are an awfully fun callback to gimmicky villains of the old golden days, the first few to come in mind being Ray from He Knows You're Alone (1980), who targets soon-to-wed women, and Harry Warden from My Bloody Valentine (1981), a murderous miner whose urban legend-esque presence terrorizes Valentines Days! Whenever the film decides to go down and bear its bloody teeth, it's played with a straight face as heads get the crossbow and groins get the machete, sidelined with good jump scares and a sweet deal of tight tension. And yet, it's never too hateful. Never too cynical and angry. It knows its assignment as a bloody good popcorn flick and you can pretty much tell this from the fact, again, our killer is wearing a mask with cartoon hearts for eyes and, yes, it all works swimmingly as a romantic comedy, too!

For a comedy to work, it's all about well-crafted jokes and enjoyable characters, and Heart Eyes (2025) has a fair share of both! As the Heart Eyes Killer themselves say, Ally and Jay have great chemistry thanks to O'Hara's and Gooding's stellar performances as the traditional rom-com couple: antagonistic at first, chummy at the halfway point, one chasing down the other at a crowded airport to confess their feelings by the end of it. Or at least around the climax. Though written as satires of chick flick lead couples, the two are given enough wit and wry in their personalities to make enough jokes and odd reactions land on a hilarious mark, the best gag being a running one where the couple keep failing to convince anyone that they're simply friends, killer included! The comedic timing simply feels as natural as the tender moments shared between Ally and Jay, which thankfully the film occasionally slows down for just to give the endangered duo, as well as the audience, a breather to soak in the situation, just be casual and real with one another through gentle heart-to-hearts. It's hammy, but it's a welcoming sweet kind of jovial ham, one that balances out nicely with a chunky kill count piled up by a serial killer's cat-and-mouse game.

If there's anything that is a bit of a letdown, it'll be the reveal of who's behind the Heart Eyes mask; after a romantic, comedic and horrific hide-and-prowl between Heart Eyes and the two lovebirds around a Valentines drive-in, the movie strolls into a rather pedestrian final encounter with the holiday serial killer, whose identity and twist fail to be anywhere as remarkable as it's implying to be. The culprit is partially obvious and their reason for the slayings simply boils down to they do it because they could, and it's fun for them. Still, lackluster unmasking aside, there's enough bloody splatter and a little good brawl in this finale, ending on a time skip, a cheeky sweet gesture and a funny mid-credit scene!

Heart Eyes (2025) is described by some as a 'date movie slasher' and it lives up good on that claim! Its humor focuses more on being cute, its violence is satisfyingly sharp in its edges, an entertaining melting pot of mixed goodies for slasher fans and their dates! 

Bodycount:

1 male stabbed through the eye with a machete

1 male shot on the head with a crossbow

1 male gets a throwing dagger to the face

1 female crushed to death inside a pneumatic press

1 male shot on the head with a crossbow

1 female skewered with a flagpole

1 male had his groin split with a machete, slashed

1 male stabbed with a machete

1 male stabbed in the mouth with a tire iron

1 female impaled through the mouth with a tire iron

1 male slashed across the throat with a machete 

1 male gets a throwing dagger to the back, hacked with a machete

1 female hacked down with a machete

1 male stabbed through with a machete

1 female pushed neck first through a concrete sword, head torn off

1 male shot death with a crossbow

Total: 16