The Devil's Father's Brother's Nephew's Cousin's Former Roommate: Bloodspell (1989)

Bloodspell (AKA 'The Boy From Hell', 'To The Devil a Son') (1989)
Rating: **
Starring: Aarin Teich, Anthony Jenkins, Twink Caplan

Ever wondered what The Omen (1976) would have been like if, instead of the baby Antichrist being taken in by a wealthy couple with ties to the government, spreading his influence across the world under the unholy ploy of the Devil himself, we have a teenager being dropped off at a care home for troubled kids by his frightened mother because his estranged Satanist father is looking to awaken his son's inner-devil and have him create the Anti-Christ with the girl of his choice by the time he turns eighteen?

If you answered 'yes', you're a weird lil' fella. And this is the movie you're looking for.

 

During his stay at St. Boniface Evaluation Center for Troubled Kids (where said 'kids' are played by actors pushing somewhere between late-20s to early-30s, acting like pre-schoolers), aforementioned bringer of darkness Daniel (Anthony Jenkins) is starting to show a lot of supernatural evil like causing windows to shatter to cut someone's face, making a remote explode at a kid's hand after they hog a TV, and murdering a pair of nasty bullies through grisly accidents. He's also been talking to the demonic apparition of his father who, after finally catching up to sonny, tells him of his destiny to sire the Anti-Messiah by the time he comes of age. Which, unfortunately for the residents of the center, is just a few nights away. 

Recognizing the danger after noticing that Daniel's present during these incidents too many times, jittery Charlie (Aarin Teich, in his late twenties) tries to warn the rest that the new kid is evil, but this is proven to be a lot difficult to do seeing he has the mental maturity of a tantrum-throwing twelve-year old who bonks his head on a tree-root when his suicidal girlfriend refuses to talk to him after, out of the blue, he asked her why she tried killing herself. Yeah. Is it any mystery, too, why he's also the butt of many jokes and bullying going around the center? When he gets upset, he gets intensely upset. Over-the-top and many screws loose.

Still, what remains of the group eventually figure out that Daniel is demonic when a visiting psychiatrist suffers a heart attack trying to run away from a session gone spooky. With Daniel's evil growing stronger, it's up to Charlie, House mother Jenny (Twink Caplan) and live-in guidance counselor Tony Montana (Edward Dloughy) to stop the Boy from Hell from bringing forth the devil's spawn, as well as killing anybody else who gets in his way.

As much as this movie is a laughable car wreck when it comes to acting and dialogue, the story does play around enough predictable horror-of-the-demonic tropes to make it an interesting watch. It's a terrible movie, sure, with cheap effects and cockeyed editing, but there's a charm to how well it wears its badness over the craziness of its story, making it quite easy to see Bloodspell (1989) as a guilty pleasure for lovers of bad cinema. Like, what other slashers out there have a finale overblown with cheese courtesy of a group hug and sappy end credit music right after divine intervention helped save the day? Not a lot, I imagine.

If you like your supernatural slashers absurdly ridiculous and fun for being that terrible, then seek out this hammy gem and enjoy!  

Bodycount:
1 female strangled to death
1 male set ablaze
1 male shredded through a woodchipper
1 male suffers through a heart attack
1 male ran through with a pike, struck by lightning
Total: 5

The Douche Who Cried Axe: #ChadGetsTheAxe (2022)

#ChadGetsTheAxe (2022)

Rating: ***1/2

Starring: Spencer Harrison Levin, Michael Bonini, Taneisha Figueroa

Personally, I see fame as more of a bother than a benefit. Sure, you get the riches and recognition, but it comes with the pressure of meeting people's expectations and this often comes with the price of one's self-respect and decency. When fame becomes an obsession for clout, this need for attention can spiral towards notoriety and you'll become trouble. Or be troubled.

Though, I don't believe getting troubled by an axe-wielding maniac is something a fame-hungry moron would need to worry about. 

That much.

Based on a 2019 short film of the same title, #ChadGetsTheAxe (2022) follows vlogger "Spicy Steve" (Michael Bonini), couple Jennifer and Spencer (Taneisha Figueroa and Cameron Vitosh) of the beauty blog 'Spennifer", and uber-popular prankster Chad Ryan (Spencer Harrison Levin) plan a collaborative urban exploration video and stream for the weekend. The place they'll be exploring is one Devil's Manor, a dilapidated backwoods property near a swamp, which is said to be the hotspot of supposed cult activities around the area as a Satanist named William Burrows did have a mass murdering spree there many years ago. The night goes as you would expect it being populated by social media celebrities; they explore the manor while responding to comments, advertise their merch once in a while, and do obnoxious dares whenever their view count reaches a certain number. (One of which echoes the real life sickening stunt influencer Logan Paul did during his visit to Mount Aokigahara)

The fun times could only last long before things start to get unnerving; when one of them gets attacked, it's very well clear then that somebody else is inside the manor. Someone masked up, wielding an axe and not too pleased to have these people roaming around. Chad, unsurprisingly, is ready to dismiss this as a prank plotted by fellow pranksters until, that is, more of his friends disappear and all that's left for the mysterious masked maniac to hunt is him...

Shot through the rarely used Screenlife format, wherein we see the action unfold through the screen of a device via apps and sites (think Unfriended (2014), Spree (2020) and Deadstream (2022)), #ChadGetsTheAxe (2022) gets the benefit of being fun by satirizing the many stereotypes of click chasers while delivering a good dose of creepy imagery and set-pieces. It doesn't waste time getting into the main event, almost immediately throwing the streamers into the supposed haunted manor and simply letting the story develop as it goes by, showing us just what kind of people behind the camera phones are as the situation gravely escalates, as well as the reaction of the community they are catering to. The direction is pretty spot on to what we would normally expect from a weekend night stream hosted by an appalling content creator, pure unhinged and aggravating debauchery, and director Travis Bible practically knows we're here to see these idiots get their comeuppance for giving in to the almighty viewer count at the cost of common sense and a soul. Happy to say, we get what we came to see!

One by one, our streamers are picked off, a few clearly axed dead. Whenever #ChadGetsTheAxe (2022) slides in a creepy scene and build-up, it's all done with a straight face that's greatly effective. The villain doesn't ham it up, making their murderous assaults often jarring, even more so when the story finds opportunities to shed a sympathetic light on the victims, such as moments of clarity among the creators when some of them recognize how messed up the gags and situation are becoming, or slices of commentary on the unhealthy relationship between creators and their fanbases. It's not overly scary, per se, as the film still has its focus more on humor than frights, but it's a satisfying watch as the stalk-and-hunt onslaught with Burrows and his axe add weight to the horror side of this horror-comedy. 

This all leads to a third act where the story puts the hurt on Chad as he becomes an unwilling final boy dodging a masked killer's axe swings. He gets stalked through the woods, his means for escape repeatedly thwarted, and his cries for help dismissed by most of his viewers as either a joke, or just something they can cruelly exploit for fun. It's both cathartic and pathetic, impressively working both in a balance as we see this guy who spent most of his onscreen time being noisome reduced to a helpless whelp, more so on the movie's final act as a good twist reveals a hopeless situation hinted in a blink-and-you-miss moment in the chat. The end result is a grimly satisfying end full of desperation, axe falls and blood flowing on a live stream.

#ChadGetsTheAxe (2022) can be a little rough on the edges, but it understands the culture of online clout and the toxic people surrounding it. It uses those to its advantage, crafting a smart, funny and creepy backwoods slasher that shouldn't work, but did! Chad got the axe and I'm glad to have seen it!

Bodycount:

1 male body found rotting

1 male hacked with an axe

1 male hacked with an axe

1 male killed offscreen with an axe

1 female hacked with an axe

1 male killed offscreen with an axe

1 male hacked with an axe

Total: 7

Bowling Over Dead: The 13th Alley (2008)

The 13th Alley (2008)

Rating: **

Starring: Robert Carradine, Randy Wayne, Bobb Hopkins

Back in 2008, slasher fans were treated with a horror movie that's as cheesy and sleazy as it is vile and gruesome, revolving around a rather obscene rape-and-revenge plot packed with fun gore effects and a hammy yet memorable masked killer, all of which centered around a dirty bowling alley. Some abhorred it, many loved it, overall it's a mini-cult classic of the splattery kind.

There's also The 13th Alley (2008).

Justin, special effects student and manager of Zodos Bowling & Beyond bowling alley, often uses his position and talents to hold private late-night games of "strip bowling", as well as pranking his buddies and their dates with realistic blood and guts. One of these evenings, however, didn't end too well when they tag along a random girl from the arcades to hang out with them, only for her to completely lose her cool upon seeing one of Justin's realistic prop heads rolling out from the ball return as a joke. It turns out the girl has a bit of history concerning her father decapitating his boss out of vengeful spite, a real deal of trauma that have her storming out. 

This incident is mostly brushed off the next night when the gang agree to do another round of "strip bowling", this time inviting over a Jamaican gal who happens to practice Voodoo hypnotism (No. Really.) It's all fun and games (as well as sex and pizza), until someone literally loses a head and a growling cloaked figure wearing an oversized knight helmet begins to stalk the alleys for more victims to behead and dismember with their bloody battle axe.

The 13th Alley (2008), in all honesty, mostly feels like a parody; its writing is as ridiculous as the kooky ensemble of characters, paired alongside gaggles of questionable acting and a direction that hams up a lot. At times the movie tries to play itself straight, usually during its slasher scenes, but it's undoubtedly hard to take any of the story seriously when you have couples making out after seemingly aroused by a prop rat falling down into a pizza oven, or a 'Voodoo' hypnotist trying to put someone in a trance by rolling her eyes over and over. We also have Robert Carradine as a zealous handyman being way too obvious of a red herring by babbling about God and prayers every single time he's on screen, and the Wilhelm Scream on loop as one poor chap loses a hand, I kid you not.

It's ineptly bad, but there's a hypnotic quality to its ineptness, so much so that it almost feels like a throwback to the old days of late night cable horror-thons or weekend drive-in features. Almost. You could say that The 13th Alley (2008)'s shlocky quality and high camp give it a so-bad-it's-good entertainment value, though its overall curiousness can get a tad bit distracting at times, especially when it gets in the way of the movie's more interesting ideas. Or a decent killing spree. Then again, if you're the tolerable and forgiving-type when it comes to horror films oozing with musty cheese, then this is a watchable effort. It's terrible, but at least it has a bit of fun here and there. 

Bodycount:

1 male found decapitated, head seen

1 female found decapitated, head seen

1 female knifed in the gut

1 male hacked in the chest with a battle axe

1 male drilled through the head

1 male hacked on the gut with a battle axe

1 female dismembered offscreen, parts seen

1 male killed with a battle axe

Total: 8

A Friend Like You, Is A Friend Like Me: Mr. Crocket (2024)

Mr. Crocket (2024)

Rating: ***1/2

Starring: Jerrika Hinton, Ayden Gavin, Kristolyn Lloyd

Set in 1994, right after the wake of her husband's tragic death, Summer (Jerrika Hinton) finds herself emotionally, mentally and physically exhausted from managing her disobedient son Major (Ayden Gavin) as a single mother. Dealing from one temper tantrum to another, she's willing to try anything to get her young boy to act better and civil, so when a mysterious little library containing a VHS copy of a show called Mr. Crocket's World suddenly materializes outside her home, Summer is simply happy to have something to pacify Major from being an absolute brat as the he becomes enraptured by the show. 

Maybe, too enraptured. Obsessed, really.

It comes to a point that Major does nothing but watch the tape everyday, rightfully worrying Summer into attempting to take the show away from her son, leading to the two having a rather terrible fight. As hearts get broken and hurtful exchanges are made, it isn't until later that night when the impossible happens: crawling out of the TV, who else than Mr, Crocket himself arrives, with a magic marker at hand to open a fun new world where Major is welcome to stay. And for anyone who opposes, well, let's just say Mr. Crocket doesn't take it kindly with people who fail their sacred duty as parents.

Not very kindly, at all.

I remember a time, maybe half a decade or so ago, when I used to listen to Youtube narrations of creepypastas as background noise while I work. The ones I tend to enjoy the most involve supposedly innocent shows turning out to be awfully messed up in many ways, putting the creep in creepypasta from the fact that underneath the façade of rainbow colored rooms and fluffy happy puppets, the people pulling the strings could be harboring a twisted need to harm the very audience they're entertaining.

Mr. Crocket (2024) could have been an absolute creep show if it have taken this route with a bit more weight in tone; there's a working idea here already, of a mundane-looking kid show host arriving seemingly out of thin air to brutally end abusive parents before kidnapping and imprisoning children to a supposedly better place. It could have been unsettling. It could have been uneasy. It could have been provocative, even. Instead, the film went on a path of crafting another boogeyman with a personality, a killer Saturday morning figure under the light of one Freddy Krueger from Elm Street, showcasing deadly fantastical abilities, a legion of monsters to do his bidding and very demented lectures aimed towards the parents he kills, hammering the very reason why they're about to become demon chow. It just feels like a big missed opportunity to make this plot as captivating as it is serious, especially since it tackles parental neglect, child abuse and upended parent-child bonds, but if you're more in the mood for a streamlined yet delicately handled horror approach to these touchy subject matters, then this movie does a fair enough job in that department. 

For a film marketing another twistedly mouthy horror villain to cake the ground with blood and gore, it does take its time to build around the relationship between Major and Summer. In particular, the struggles Summer goes through as a single parent keeping her rather ill-tempered son in line without the need of a heavy hand until, that is, a proper lashing out feels like the only way to make him behave. We can see she's doing her best out of love and understanding, and Mr. Crocket (2024) is willing to throw in a couple of extra shades between the lines, reminding us that, sometimes, there is no easy step-by-step solution to these problems, all the while still being goofy and silly when needed to be. (Like throwing in homeless people who builds a contraption out of broken TVs to hunt Crocket via airwaves. Don't mind the what's and the how's. Just, why the hell not?) 

When it comes to the horror elements, it's standard supernatural slasher affairs; the kills are deliciously gory and there's a good sense cathartic satisfaction seeing some of these parents get their just desserts for how nasty they are. Mr. Crocket himself is a delight, played with devilish glee by a scene-chewing Elvis Nolasco who nails it as the maddened Mr. Rogers-type. Intriguingly, in his own oddly twisted way, Crocket does have good intentions behind his modus operandi of murders and kidnappings, all revealed by the third act through an animated story time (of course), making the fella a decent fantastical villain that's easier to swallow compared to most other movie creeps out there. I'm a bit underwhelmed, though, that they're using the easy route of Faustian deals to explain Crocket's powers, a rather overused concept at this point, but so long it means a cheesy-looking hellverse recreation of your typical public access studio set populated with flesh-eating mascot monsters for our leading characters to try surviving, I can work with it.

While it's far from re-inventing the horror wheel, Mr. Crocket (2024) is an agreeable supernatural bodycounting venture for fans of old school slasher horror and those with a taste for a particular niche of childhood whimsy-gone-wrong. It's not going to win everyone, but if you're not asking too much from a horror flick, then this is a good title for you to catch!

Bodycount:

1 male disemboweled with a knife, gut stuffed with plates and clothes iron

1 male seen dead, cause unknown

1 male had his head blown apart by a bubble

1 male found dismembered and headless

1 male bludgeoned with a cooking pan (flashback)

1 male knifed to death (flashback)

1 male killed with a knife (flashback)

1 male shot dead (flashback)

1 male slaughtered to death

Total: 9

Of Hollywood and Puritans: MaxXxine (2024)

MaxXxine (2024)

Rating: ***

Starring: Charley Rowan McCain, Simon Prast, Mia Goth

First, in 2022, director Ti West threw us back in time to the 1970s to experience X, a barn massacre through the lens of porn culture and Southern fried proto-slashers ala Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974) and Eaten Alive (1976). And then, just a few months later, he had us seeing and feeling the tragedy that is that movie's leading villainess in her own origin story ala prequel title, Pearl, a grim yet loving nod to old 1910s Hollywood technicolor and psycho-drama. Now, West has returned to act as our tour guide across Mid-80s Regan era Tinseltown, following the footsteps of an uprising starlet with a dark, shadowy past: Maxine fucking Minx!

It's been six years since Maxine (Mia Goth) survived her brush with death after a porn shoot in rural Texas turned into a massacre and she's now working as an underground porn celebrity. But Miss Minx wants more in her life; the glamour of Hollywood, her feet on the red carpet and her name on The Walk of Fame. She wants to be a star. A real Hollywood star. And she's willing to climb her way into mainstream fame by any means necessary, that including starring in a woman-directed sequel to a controversial horror title, The Puritan. (Which is so bad, there are already Christian zealots with picking signs outside the studio, expressing their displeasure of the production!)

Fortunately for Maxine, she got the role! Unfortunately for her, her past refuses to stay buried: a shifty private investigator (Kevin Bacon) begins to stalk and pester her about her involvement in the porn shoot massacre, threatening to expose this dirty little secret should she refuse to follow the orders of an enigmatic benefactor. Little does he know, Maxine, who spends a few spare times at night beating the balls out of creeps, as well as scoring some connections to the shadier side of the acting business through her agent, is more than ready to get her hands dirty to make sure that part of her life remains six feet under.

Would this be enough, however, to stop a shadowy figure who's not only following Maxine's rise to stardom, but is murdering those she have grown close to lately? Perhaps there's more to the arrival of the investigator than expected. Someone out there wants her to know they're watching. Waiting. Judging whether to punish her for accepting a life she doesn't deserve... 

Comparing this with X (2022) and Pearl (2022), MaxXxine (2024) strays the furthest away from being a horror flick and is more of a crime thriller with horror elements, practically a neo-giallo painted in late-80s nostalgia. Much of the plot here is centered on Maxine's struggle to reach the limelight of Hollywood and the murder investigation she finds herself tangled in, with the former being the more intriguing deal of the movie as it opened an opportunity for the titular character to be explored further, to see how she would deal with the challenges standing in her way to become Hollywood's next big thing. It's a neat set-up and it has its moments of interest, most involving Kevin Bacon's creep of a character being beaten black, blue and red all over, but the effect feels cheapened by the direction's lack of depth and dimension, something that could've been corrected if only the characters, Maxine included, were more defined and developed to raise the stakes higher, making this should-be thrilling mystery, well, thrilling! But instead, the casts are reduced to one-note names caught in a bizarre stalk-and-stab situation, most of who are pushed aside with how much the story focused on Maxine's rise to stardom. All the while Maxine herself remains stagnant as a personality in her pursuit for success, leaving us with a journey that's too straight of a line to be anything more exciting.  

It's not until the third act where the horror shtick rears its ugly head in full gear after popping in and out throughout the film in small servings. This, in turn, means we only get a handful of slasher-friendly scenes, the closest to looking and feeling genuinely straight out of a bodycounter flick being a savage knife murder at a video store. Curiously enough, the kill count does go double digits eventually, but this is through a macabre police shootout at the story's conclusion, again putting MaxXxine (2024) further away from being a fright flick and aligned closer with horror-flavored cop thrillers ala Manhunter (1986) or Body Double (1984).

Despite all of these shortcomings, though, MaxXxine (2024) is far from unwatchable. It's lacking, sure, but it's entertaining if you're not really looking for a movie that dives deep into its own story and is more on the deal of giving us a messed-up misadventure tainted with blood and intrigue just for the sake of it. It's beautifully shot as a nostalgic piece, impressively recreating a good dose of late-80s vibe and aesthetic from the music to make-up, from its set-pieces to the bouncing-rocking soundtrack. (Love me a good Kim Carnes song!) The mystery itself is also a fun little trip from the little connive it generated as to who exactly is out to get Maxine. The reveal is sort of underwhelming, I'll admit, but the madness that follows has just that much crazy going for it that it works, not to mention it does tie up Maxine's Hollywood saga quite nicely if anything. (Plus it leads to an awesome head decimation, that has to count for something) And, of course, Mia Goth being quite the spunky, hard-hitting doll as she nails her role magnificently! Maxine may be underdeveloped, but at least she's a fun watch thanks to Goth's performance.

Not quite the showstopper I expected for Ti West's 'X' trilogy to end on but, small mercies, MaxXxine (2024) could have been worse. Way worse. It might be missing the gore-soaked, haunting creepiness of X (2022), or the soul-crushing heartbreak of Pearl (2022), as a shlocky cop thriller-slash-murder adventure, this one is serviceable enough on a B-grade scale. 

Bodycount:

2 females murdered offscreen, bodies later found in a lake

1 male slaughtered with a hunting knife

1 male handcuffed inside a car, crushed to death in a hydraulic compactor

1 female found dismembered

2 males seen shot dead

1 male shot

1 female shot

1 female shot

1 male shot

1 male shot, stabbed in the nose with switchblade

1 male shot

1 male shot

1 male found shot dead

1 male shot, bled to death

1 female found stabbed in the eye with a crucifix, falls down a hill

1 male had his head shot and decimated with a shotgun

Total: 18

Island of Misfit Boys: Grand Guignol (2022)

Grand Guignol (Japan, 2022)

Rating: **1/2

Starring: Rio Komiya, Riku Ichikawa, Rina Koike

The word Grand Guignol pertains to short plays that were popular in 19th century Parisian cabarets for emphasizing violence, horror, and sadism, embracing shock value through illicit subject matters and over-the-top practical effects as entertainment. This seems to be part of the case for director Hashiimoto Hajime's homoerotic slasher Grand Guignol (2022) which does feature a splatterful amount of bloodwork for its murders, as well as a bout of surrealism which makes its basic premise of a typical backwoods horror flick a bit more... odd.

After getting involved in an incident where a student got his face mutilated with a box cutter, Homura Itsuki sees himself transferred over to a boarding school set at a solitary island where only troublesome kids get to attend. All communication to the outside world is cut, the staff running the joint are unnervingly suspicious and there's a study group dedicated to the art of Grand Guignol drama, the strange scenario gets even more uneasy when a new teacher waltzes in and starts making advances to some of the boys there. That, unfortunately, is little compared to the violent figure out prowling the woods, decked in animal skulls and armed with a razor-sharp chain flail. It isn't long before this thing starts to hunt down students, though it seems this hack-and-slash gig may not be the only craziness going around in this island...

Independent J-horror does have the tendency to go overboard on the bloodletting and craziness, something Grand Guignol (2022) can attest to seeing it's basically running on extreme gore, murderous cults, backwoods bodycounting and an abundant amount of homoerotism. If anything, this movie has the vision to be an outlandish queer horror flick and it does succeeds on that at a decent level, albeit on a noticeable budget and a lack of solid direction; as a slasher, the effects are practical yet shoddy, nowhere impressive on a technical sense but delivers greatly on the messy blood and gore. The killer's get-up also leans on the cheap and silly side considering it kinda resembles a suit of confetti decked out with a badass mask consisting of arranged animal skulls, making the maniac look awfully like a walking, stalking piñata from hell!

The homoerotic elements are ever-present with how much the boys here get on with one another, though it's less emphasizing on romance and more on shock factor, especially when it dives into taboo subjects of forced feminization and creepy adults prowling on younger victims. In fact, the horror of Grand Guignol (2022) is more on the intensity of the madness and kills, focusing on nightmare logic, sexualized depravity and macabre violence thinly disguised as the work of dark supernatural forces and the maddened individuals under its command. The end result succeeds in drawing out the explicitness of its overt violence and fetishisms, as well the over-the-top insanity that is this movie's arthouse plotting and tone, pretty much in tune with original Grand Guignol stage plays that inspired it.

An over-the-top mish mash of the sensual and the savage that comes with a rough edge and spotty quality control. Not exactly a good example of queer horror done right, but it win points for just how off-the-wall bonkers it is! 

Bodycount:

1 male slashed to death with a bladed chain flail

1 male repeatedly slashed with a bladed chain flail, decapitated

1 male stabbed through the gut with a sword, gutted

1 male had his skin flayed off with shearing tools, dies from injuries

1 male shot through the mouth with a shotgun

1 male repeatedly bashed with a sledgehammer, neck snapped

1 female bashed on the head with a sledgehammer

1 female dies from a sword impaled through her back

1 male stabbed on the gut with a sword, bashed to death with a sledgehammer

Total: 9

El Machete Satánico: The Curse of El Charro (2005)

The Curse of El Charro (2005)

Rating: **1/2

Starring: Andrew Bryniarski, Danny Trejo, Drew Mia

Suffering from nightmares and bloody visions of a dark machete-wielding figure ever since she found her sister dead from suicide a year ago, Maria accepts an invitation from her roommate Chris to join her and her two friends, Tanya and Rose, at her uncle’s house in Saguaro, Arizona for some good old-fashioned debauchery, hopefully to get her mind off these ghoulish visages and relax a bit. Unbeknownst to her, these visions foreshadow a terrible fate upon her and her friends as Maria is actually a descendent of a girl from Saguaro who was terrorized and cursed by a wealthy yet diabolical land baron, El Charro, after she rejected his love for her. Now, El Charro wanders Saguaro as a murderous revenant, seeking to finish off the bloodline of the girl who broke his heart and he's going to do the same to just about anyone who gets in his way.

Or is simply in his way. As most undead murderers do. 

I wanted to like The Curse of El Charro (2005) a little more than your average slasher flick as it does have an interesting premise and some very artsy direction when it comes to its visuals, particularly during scenes involving horrifying visions and surreal nightmares. The mostly one-dimensional characters, though, as well as the fact that the plot really takes a while to get to the bloody massacre does test one's patience and knock the peg down a bit. 

The movie firstly spends a good deal of the its run on the girls' road trip misadventures like trying to seduce a horny cop into not busting them for speeding, encountering creepy rednecks at a dingy bar where the main attraction for the night is Lemmy Kilmister as a tuxedo-wearing crippled guy singing horribly off key, or picking up some guy dates who we all know are just there to boost up the bodycount, all the while our lead gal Maria's otherworldly trances kick in and out to keep things spooky. It isn't until the last act that our villain, the dirty poncho-wearing, mad machete-swinging El Charro finally waltzes in to do some murdering and, for its worth, the massacre is a messy yet respectable affair with a generous amount of blood work and sloppy body parts. The ending does veer into the outrageously silly with a downer of a swing, but at least it got a little chuckle out of me.

Bluntly, The Curse of El Charro (2005) is okay-ish. It certainly could've been better, but it's far from being completely awful. (I mean, it has Danny Trejo voicing El Charro. That has to count for something, right?) Pretty plain for a slasher flick and that's about the gist of it. 

Bodycount:

1 female seen dead from slit wrists (flashback)

1 female killed with a machete (flashback)

1 female killed with a machete (flashback)

1 male hanged on a noose (flashback)

1 female decapitated with a machete

1 male hacked to death with a machete

1 male slashed across the face with a machete

1 female had her jaw torn off

1 female had her throat slashed with a machete

1 female hacked to death with a machete

1 male decapitated offscreen, blood splash seen

1 female dragged away, killed offscreen

1 male hacked to death with a machete, decapitated

Total: 13

Gory Gory Youth Group Camp: Sardines (In The Dark) (2023 Novella)

Sardines (In The Dark)
Author: Judith Sonnet
Publication Year: 2023
Chapters: 10
Rating: ***1/2

Sometimes you just want to relax with a good story without going through an essay's worth of pages just to finish a single chapter. Sometimes you just feel like getting a quick read for a good shot of fantastical entertainment in one sitting before readying ourselves for a full day ahead. Often at times I find myself very busy balancing business with pleasure, thus a cheap paperback novella such as this gore-soaked nightmare is just what the horror doctor ordered for a fun-sized page-turner.

The story follows the young members of an evangelical-free church's youth group enjoying their Fall Break retreat at some rented cabins in the woods when one of their newest members suggests a new game for them to play; Sardines, were one person hides while the others look for them in the dark and whoever finds the hider have to hide with them. Last person to find the group would be "it" on the next round. The kids are excited to play the game, save our protagonist, fifteen-year old Kylie, who really isn't getting into the vibe of playing what's technically hide-and-seek in the dark, but she felt a tad more daring that night to give it a try since her bestfriends Jackie and Harold are joining, too.

Unbeknownst and unfortunately for this youth group, something else decided to join the game. Something hulking and powerful. Something twisted with a crazed smile. Something with a taste for warm flesh.

Originally published by its author as a part of an out-of-print collection of horror shorts titled Your God Can't Save You, Sardines (In The Dark) is an unrelenting example of splatterpunk horror fiction in its prime, vividly describing extreme torture and gore through out the pages while taking the time to tackle religious horror centering on traumatic upbringings and uncertainties. Being a novella, however, the book doesn't dive too deep into its religious subtexts and it's mostly used here to slightly flesh out the characters for a paragraph or two before they're pounded to death with a mallet, or give the antagonist a cliched motive behind the massacre. No, the book strongly focuses more on style over substance, more on shock factor and visceral exploitation as not only do the murders go on brutal lengths wording the bodily destructions, but a few of these kills were also done to awfully young victims and the killer even indulges in some really screwed-up shit like wearing a severed head in a manner that's disturbingly and disgustingly perverse.

And speaking of, the book's monstrous villain is certainly quite a disturbing aberration, described as a near-naked muscular freak cloaked in nothing but a rain slicker, bearing a misshapen head, red eyes, almond-shaped teeth and an amazing display of strength. It's revealed to be non-human way too early into the book but, considering the novella is aiming to capitalize on brutality, I wouldn't be surprised if it was done that way to give the writer more opportunity to pen about the creature's terrifying penchant for mutilating victims through sheer strength. It doesn't dilly-dally on getting the ball rolling, too, with the gore quota starting as soon as the second chapter introduces the story's murderous being and its blunt weapon of choice, steadily going through one victim to the next in a consistent pace and an unwavering savage tone, eventually leading to a few interesting curveballs such as who's actually behind the killing spree, as well as the true nature of the killer which is, admittedly, creepy. 

Sardines (In The Dark) never really went anywhere beyond its basic supernatural slasher plotting of groups splitting up and finding reasons to walk into spooky spots in the dark only to be horribly killed by an abomination, but it does make up for it with an effectively violent direction and a good flair of traumatizing writing. It's not for the faint of heart, but if you think you have a strong stomach for nightmarish splatter and gross killers, then I say give this one a read! 

Bodycount: 12

Notable Kill: "He felt the wooden mallet slam between his legs with so much force that it scooted him back toward the wall. The mallet was lifted and brought down again. Its wooden rim detonated his testicles against the dirt floor. He felt his left ball mash into a squirting paste in his jeans. The other seemed to crawl out from its skin sheath," 

And that's just the beginning for this poor chap. Not to mention this is just the first kill from of the entire novella!

My Bloody Reunions: To Become One (2002)

To Become One (Australia, 2002)

Rating: **

Starring: David Vallon, Emma Grasso, Jamie Giddens

Hey, dear readers! Ever wondered what would The Human Centipede (2009) would be like if it was a slasher? No? Well, good for you! You're completely sane and I don't have to worry about you! But, yeah, that's what this low-budget early-2000s Ozploitation reminds me of. Minus the poop thing.

A year after seeing her dear mum get sliced in half by a killer donning a gas mask, Melinda was just celebrating her birthday with friends one night when the same masked maniac shows up to ruin the evening, slaughtering a couple of guests. More of Melinda's buds are then bumped off no soon after, forcing the rest of the gang to try saving themselves from being murdered by driving into the countryside. (Which meant they'll be far from civilization and any potential help, surely making themselves convenient for the killer to pick off one by one. And some of you wonder why I often root for the killers in these films...)

One car bomb decimated, two girls burnt to a crisp and a Carbine gun opened fire later, Melinda is chased into the woods where the killer finally corners her and this is when the movie begins to shift the curve because next thing you know, she's bound to a hospital bed and stuck inside an insane asylum where a doctor high on religious fervor plans to reunite her with a long lost family member ala surgery. Melinda must now find a way to escape the demented doctor and his crazed cohorts before she suffers a fate worse than death, all in the meantime taking a gander or two to what kind of delusions the sick surgeon is feeding himself, his staff and his congregation of patients.

From teen slasher to medical-cum-cult horror, To Become One (2002) has the ambition to better itself and be more than just another slasher flick which is admirable, yes, even more so when the production only had a couple of grand to work with. However, the clumsy execution of this gesture shows that the film still bit more than it could chew and it's distracting to say the least, more often within the movie's clunky ventures to stylize itself with warping colors and overly active camerawork, as well as dripping the horror drama elements with too many talky scenes that are just made worse by wearisome writing. There are no likeable characters to root for and the killer could have been this movie's strong point as they do rock a good gas mask and black trench coat combo, and the murders they commit have a decent splash of blood and gore to them, but all that's tossed away the moment they're unmasked midway into the movie and, before you know it, they're just annoying to watch.  

Finishing on an inevitably frantic note, To Become One (2002) is too much of an overworked yet underwhelming chore to watch as a whole; while the slasher half have a lot of dumb moments, it's somewhat entertaining with its badness, which is a lot more than I can say about the pretentious wannabe psycho-drama we're treated with in the other half. If you think about it, it doesn't really add up now, does it? Why does the killer even have to stalk and massacre Melinda's friends if the main goal here was to get her to the hospital and settle her for surgery? Why waste all that precious time and energy? I don't know. All I can tell is that there is a good idea to be found here, it's just messily handled in this blunder of a film. 

Bodycount:

1 female sliced in half with a sword

1 female ran through with a digging bar

1 female had her head skewered with a digging bar

1 female had her neck crushed and slashed open with metal claws

1 male garroted with a thin wire

2 females decimated with a bomb

1 elderly male passes away

1 male stabbed in the back with a knife

Total: 9

No Winners, Only Survivors: All Fun And Games (2023)

All Fun and Games (2023)

Rating: ***

Starring: Asa Butterfield, Annabeth Gish, Natalia Dyer

As standard as the affairs are in this movie, I got to say that All Fun and Games (2023) is at least a fair watch of a supernatural teen slasher flick.

Set in the town of Salem, Massachusetts, the film centers on a macabre knife seemingly carved from human bone as it gets discovered by brothers from a dysfunctional family while the two were riding bikes across the woods one day. Fascinated by the find, younger sibling Jonah (or just Jo, for short) decided to take the knife home despite his older brother Marcus' disapproval, later learning that the blade also comes with an incantation scratched unto it and, upon uttering them, awakens something demonic. The evil presence makes its way through the brothers, eventually settling inside Marcus as its chosen vessel and the night becomes a deadly, stabby game of Hide-and-Seek as the brothers' sister Billie, her boyfriend Pete and her bestfriend Sophie, as well as the family's bum uncle Bob fall victim to the chaos. 

With its concept of a cursed object bringing forth murderous supernatural possessions being far from original, what All Fun and Games (2023) have running for it is an attempt on developing its characters, a breakneck pace and mostly adequate production quality. Despite being overly hostile in some scenes, the relationship between the three sibling leads works on a rather strained yet relatable closeness considering the domestic troubles they have to bear with, painting a sympathetic enough dynamic which is further helped by the acting and writing done during the movie's more drama-focused scenes. This flair with the dramatics doesn't overstay its welcome, though, and the plot devolves into a slasher as soon as night falls and the curse of the knife brings out someone's inner knife-wielding maniac. 

The slasher scenes are a decent bunch; not overly gory but deliciously bloody for the bloodhounds, with a few stalk-and-stab sequences delivering a good sense of suspense and thrills. This all leads to a final act where the remaining casts explore the otherworldly origins of the knife and its curse, challenging the demonic force with a paranormal take on a couple of children's games in order to beat it which would have been alright if it wasn't for the overly cluttered and unsatisfying villain defeat capping things off. It could have ended worse, sure, but it could have rounded up the plot with a better conclusion, too, especially after all of the passable possessed murderer gig.

Production-wise, All Fun and Games (2023) has a competent look to say the least; its camera work captures the chill of its night scenes and its visual editing and effects are usually alright, though some of the CG effects do look a bit hokey. The film, in its entirety, is relatively okay; it's not really setting itself up for anything too grand, but what it is able to achieve makes for a good enough viewing to pass the time with.

Bodycount:

1 boy seen stabbed to death

1 girl seen dying from stab wounds

1 girl seen dying from a stab wound

1 male had his throat cut with a knife

1 male hanged with a noose

1 male knifed in the chest

1 male killed with a knife, blood splash seen

1 male knifed through the neck

1 female knifed to death

1 boy beaten and tortured, set on fire (flashback)

Total: 10

TV Terror: Chucky - Season 2 (2022 Series)

Chucky (Season 2, 2022 Series)

Rating: **1/2

Starring: Zackary Arthur, Bjorgvin Arnarson, Alyvia Alyn Lind

Previously on Chucky, season one; a Good Guy doll possessed by the soul of Chucky, real name Charles Lee Ray, AKA the Lakeshore Strangler, shows up in the New Jersey town of Hackensack. He nearly manipulated a lonely queer teen named Jake into becoming a murderer, only for the boy to wise up and learn that the doll is actually prompting him to kill as a part of a ritual that's supposed to raise an army of even more possessed Good Guy dolls, spreading chaos across America. Jake, along with his crush Devon and a bully-turned-ally Lexy, and too returning franchise heroes Andy Barclay and Kyle, puts a stop to Chucky's Diabolical plan, with Andy seemingly driving himself and the rest of the living killer dolls to their deaths off a cliff.

Season two starts months after Chucky's bloody reign of terror in Hackensack; Jake and Devon are now living apart with foster parents, while Lexy is undergoing therapy with her seemingly traumatized kid sister and a mother whose milking the tragedy for political clout. Things go South when on Halloween, one of the Chucky dolls tricked the kids into meeting up and have Jake's young foster brother bring the little Good Guy and his expertly crafted home-made bomb to them. After a brief struggle, the bomb is detonated, killing off the tyke, and the three is naturally blamed for the tragedy. But instead of getting thrown off and locked away, Jake, Devon and Lexy find themselves chucked to a Catholic school that specializes in treating problem kids, which also happens to be Chucky's former residence. 

There they face an overly pious Father Bryce (played by Devon Sawa with no connection to the previous character he played last season), a real shortage of mean kids for the kill count, Lexy's struggles with drug addiction and, of course, Chucky dolls going around the school killing random people before stalking the lead trio and their new member to the anti-Chucky movement, a sweet nerdy girl named Nadine. Curiously, though, the story often dips into the same black comedy curveballs as that of Seed of Chucky (2004)'s when it comes to moments involving any killer dolls like one misadventure involving the reprogramming of a captured Good Guy into being good ala A Clockwork Orange, or the arrival of even more Good Guy variants like a really swole one who'd take care of loose ends, as well a Good Guy who may have taken a liking to Apocalypse Now (1979)'s Marlon Brando a tad too much. A fair deal of these mini murderers are often taken care of so easily, which starts to show the downside of Chucky learning how to split his soul into multiple dolls; when it comes to the movies prior to Cult of Chucky (2017) or even Curse of Chucky (2013), there's a satisfying sense of triumph when Charles goes through the beating and get killed in the end as, albeit the knowledge that he'll be back somehow, there's only one of him. Now, when one Chucky doll goes down, there's no more weight to it, no sense of victory as you know somewhere is another one of these little bastards sneaking up on them with a knife, a hammer or, god forbid, the world's quietest chainsaw.

While all of this is going on at the school, season 2 spreads its spotlight to Tiffany Valentine's own little situation when her two young adult children, Glen and Glenda (both played now by Lachlan Watson), shows up one day seeking answers as, for some odd reason, the two forgot that they used to be one genderfluid living doll back at Seed and have been feeling "empty" whenever one of them is away from the other. Tiffany, still in charades as Jennifer Tilly, tries her best to protect her two darlings from the truth, but the ruse gets complicated when the twins discover their mum's dirty little secret: Nina Pierce, the ever-so-tormented lead girl from Cult and Curse, quadruple-amputated to prevent her from escaping and forced to live with the very soul of Charles Lee Ray inhabiting her body. This fork in the road eventually leads to the twins learning about their past and even more murders at the hand of Tiffany as she struggles to keep things in control, both homicidally and financially, leaving Glen and Glenda choosing sides between their loving yet psychotic mother or a small gang of survivors who are out to stop their father's increasingly convoluted plans of horror and terror.

This entire mess of a story somewhat straightens itself up around the near end when most of the players introduced gather around and attempt an exorcism on a Good Guy which is, honestly, one of the best ideas this franchise ever dwelled in. I mean, with all of the pseudo-voodoo going on, how is it we only now tackle the possibility of doing another rite to get rid of Chucky? But as you would expect, things didn't go as easy as expected and, unsurprisingly, characters get snuffed out, including those who were introduced for last minute twists only to have their existence and contributions to the Child's Play lore practically rendered pointless by dying no soon after. (But, hey, at least their deaths were pretty bloody and gory. I guess that has to count for something) The end result of this exorcism-gone-wrong would have made a great season finale but, instead, we're treated with one more episode where we go jump ahead a few months to Christmas and one "final" Chucky doll plots to kill Jake, Devon and Lexy. That concludes the season with Chucky splitting a victim gloriously gory with a chainsaw, and then he himself is carved gloriously gory with said chainsaw, a character we nearly forgot turns out to be evil, Tiffany is on the run and possible in danger herself and the Glen/da doll returns with a new makeover and a new name, Gigi, with plans to see the world~

All in all, this second season of Chucky showcases the very reason why I rarely bothered with media with plotlines expanding over multiple books/movies/shows/whatever; it's simply all over the place and often gets too complicated to follow through. Some established ideas were retconned with twists, only to have it go nowhere and dropped unceremoniously, plus the potential drama between the human characters is just a cycle of bickering and making ups that gets real tiring quickly, which doesn't help the fact that a lot of these troubles feel uninspired and recycled. When it comes to the horror sequences, thankfully, the show still packs a real gut punch with its gore, torture and deaths, sometimes peppered with black humor and mean-spirit that I wholeheartedly welcome. Some cheese can be found, true, but better have that to lighten things up than have the entire show drag on with its crisscross plotting straightfaced and dull.

Frankly, the show's increasing silliness is what kept me watching (Plus, the gore. Of course), though I cannot deny that the amount of clashing surprises, motivations and dead ends hindered me from enjoying this season any further. Hopefully things get more focused story-wise in the future, all the while maintaining the grue and black comedy, but I can't help but think that's wishful thinking considering what I just experienced here... 

Bodycount:

1 boy blown up with a bomb (S2, E1 - Halloween II)

1 elderly female frightened into a heart attack (S2, S2 - The Sinners Are Much More Fun)

1 male had his throat cut with a nail file, stabbed to death (S2, S2 - The Sinners Are Much More Fun)

1 elderly male strangled with a rosary (S2, E3 - Hail Mary!)

1 male beaten, heart punched out (S2, E3 - Hail Mary!)

1 male found dead from poisoned wine (S2, E4 - Death on Denial)

1 male shot to death (S2, E4 - Death on Denial)

1 Liv Morgan knifed to death (S2, E4 - Death on Denial)

1 female slashed and stabbed to death with a straight razor (S2, E5 - Doll on Doll)

1 female tossed off a tower, lands on a statue (S2, E6 - He Has Risen Indeed)

1 female ran over by a truck (S2, E7 - Goin' To The Chapel)

1 male blown apart (S2, E7 - Goin' To The Chapel)

1 female gets a thrown bowie knife to the eye (S2, E7 - Goin' To The Chapel)

1 female had her soul swapped, gunned down (S2, E7 - Goin' To The Chapel)

1 male electrocuted with a defibrillator, bursts into flames (S2, E8 - Chucky, Actually)

2 victims found dead, souls removed (S2, E8 - Chucky, Actually)

1 female split in half with (The World's Quietest) chainsaw (S2, E8 - Chucky, Actually)

Total: 18

The Water Wants You: Smiley Face Killers (2020)

Smiley Face Killers (2020)

Rating: **

Starring: Ronen Rubinstein, Mia Serafino, Crispin Glover

From the late 1990s to the 2010s, a total of 45 young men were found dead in bodies of water across several Midwestern American states and it is theorized that these men were not accidental drownings, but were in fact victims of a possible serial slaying. Dubbed as the "Smiley Face Murders" after police discovered smiley face graffities near locations where the bodies were found in at least a dozen of the cases, the idea stems from the fact that the supposed victims collectively appear to resemble a serial killer victim profile, all popular, athletic, and successful students, mostly white and were leaving parties or bars where they had been drinking. This theory, however, is often met with skepticisms by responding investigators and experts due to little to no evidence of actual serial killing activity, nor did it have enough strong support linking the tragic deaths altogether.

What this hunch lacks in proof, it makes up for being morbidly fascinating, thus becoming the inspiration behind Smiley Face Killers (2020), a psychological slasher penned by screenwriter Bret Easton Ellis, who also wrote the controversial splatter novel American Psycho.

The plot follows one university student and college football star named Jake who decided to stop seeing his therapist and disregard his psychiatric meds in favor of living a more carefree life of parties and recreational drugs. This, to no one's real surprise, leads to him acting more depressed and paranoid, concerning his girlfriend and friends, even more so when he's starting to suspect his girl is cheating on him with her ex, as well as believing that he's being stalked. Truth be told, though, he is indeed being stalked and a figure in a hood is doing whatever they can to freak Jake out like sending weirdly cryptic text messages, messing up his electronics, leaving bath tubs and faucets running until they're filled with water, and too leaving a map littered with smiley face markings.

It does all this for a good hour and this is where Smiley Face Killers (2020) falters; the story around these parts is basically one long wait to Jake's eventual encounter with the titular killers and it passes the time toying around the idea that Jake may or may not be imagining the worries eating him. This could've been an intriguing plot to follow given that the movie didn't opened with a small taste of what our killers are up to and what they're capable of doing, thus very well killing off whatever mystery and sense of dread this movie is going for and instead acting more like an avoidable teen drama, a terrible direction to take when the leading character leans heavily on the unnecessarily and unsympathetically dumb side. We do get one decent kill scene in the midst of this, but it is around the last fifteen minutes when, thankfully, the movie remembers that it's a horror thriller and things go crazy the right way.

After losing it at a party where he blames his girlfriend's ex of all the insane shit he'd gone through for the past few days, Jake gets abducted by a trio of miscreants operating in a white van decorated in the inside with occult symbols and rituals. They're the kind of last minute craziness I can warmly welcome after a long dull stroll and they didn't disappoint with their bizarre practice of draining "pure" blood out of their victims and their decent run of gory killings in which they massacre everyone attending a gas station after Jake gets a streaky chance to escape there. For some, though, this is understandably a little too late to salvage what's very much a dying story dulled down by the wasted minutes focusing on the misadventures of a very glum boy.

Smiley Face Killers (2020) could have benefited more if it took a different angle other than a teen slasher with a psychological twist, or at the least went with a better story than this. I will give it credit for making the last act as insanely fun as they can with the short remaining time, but I cannot deny the film for being a really tedious test of patience for a slow burner. Not much will be lost if you skip this one.

Bodycount:

1 male abducted, corpse later found washed ashore

1 male abducted, corpse later found washed ashore

1 male brained to death with a hammer

1 male shot on the head

1 female hacked on the face with a hatchet

1 male shot to death

1 female repeatedly hacked on the gut with a hatchet

1 male shot on the head

1 male knifed through the neck

Total: 9