Saturday, February 23, 2013

The Slasher Bushido: Yoroi: Samurai Zombie (2008)

Yoroi Samurai Zombie (Yoroi: Samurai Zonbi) (AKA "Samurai Zombie - Headhunter from Hell" )(Japan, 2008)
Rating: **
Starring: Mitsuru Fukikoshi, Issei Ishida and Tak Sakaguchi

With a title like "Samurai Zombie", you were probably looking forward to a cheesy B-Horror with loads of blood, guts and the occasional funny bone. For me, I saw blood, some guts, but not enough of the workable funny bones in this typical Asian horror weirdness.

A family of four spends a nice outdoor bonding, driving around a long forgotten village hidden in the woods, until it suddenly turns for the worse when they accidentally hit a man. As the father steps out to inspect their road casualty, the man suddenly stands up, fixes his neck and points a gun at them -only to get shot down by a couple of fugitives. The punks then hold the family hostage and force the father at gunpoint to drive through a gated and deserted village.

Once inside, one of the car's tires suddenly blows flat and the GPS goes haywire. Now nowhere to go, the duo orders the father to run and find help, which he does in fear of his family's safety. For some reason though, upon finding an accursed shrine in the village, our patriarch digs for a sword and decapitate himself, awakening the titular samurai zombie and his undead cohorts, with a bloodlust that can only be satisfied by slaughtering what remains of the family and their captors.

With its strange tone and often gritty themes, I can tell Yoroi's a work of love for the exploitation genre, leaning close to backwoods slasher flicks, gory zombies and violent crime thrillers. Interestingly, the movie's script tries to give its characters a bit more meat and even some depressingly harrowing moments (especially the ending), but as far as I can appreciate the film's attempts to do a traditional slasher (all the while breaking the slasher victim tropes) I cannot hide the fact this movie is nowhere as good as it should be.

For one, I'm not much of a fan of how the undead killers were portrayed here, looking too much like some guys with cheap make-up and heavy armor thanks to the small budget. As it turns out, making zombies shamble and limp while in armor and carrying weapons doesn't make them all threatening. Instead, it paced the film. Painfully paced it. To the point that it gets awfully boring with hardly anything going on.

As for the gore, while it ain't strong, it ain't weak either. We got some fountain-like blood work and eviscerated organs, but majority of the gore were done away with cheap CG, which is very disappointing for a self-acclaimed "splatter movie" in my book.

Samurai Zombie's also marketed as a cheesy slasher-comedy made for gore-hounds alike and big fans of Japanese weirdness; unfortunately, I'm pretty sure not everyone's gonna get it. The jokes can be uneven, off-place and, honestly, I can't really find anything to laugh at seeing this is an innocent family being harassed and tortured. This movie could have worked a lot better if it was a serious horror movie but its writer, Ryûhei Kitamura, who you may remember as the genius behind the adaptation of the Clive barker short Midnight Meat Train, wanted to do a exploited B-flick so I guess this was made for a specific kind of horror fan.

Yoroi's a fun movie if you're not expecting much on the budget department, or if you're a fan of Japanese New Wave Splatter. It's also far from being a fair and smart slasher movie, but at least Japan tried and even if sometimes they do seem to try too much, least there's a bit of fun to offer from their end.

1 male decapitated with sword
1 male beheads himself with sword
1 male knifed to the neck (flashback)
1 female seen dismembered (flashback)
1 female decapitated with knife (flashback)
1 male decapitated with sword
1 male sliced limbless with sword, decapitated
1 female ran through with sword, bled to death
1 male decimated in car explosion
1 male shot with arrow
1 elderly female corpse found
1 female shot with arrow, sword through the heart
1 male beaten to death (flashback)
2 male seen beheaded (flashback)
1 boy stabbed with sword (flashback)
1 female gets a sword to the gut
total: 17

Football After Party from Hell: Night Screams (1987)

Night Screams (1987)
Rating: **1/2
Starring: Joseph Paul Manno, Ron Thomas, Randy Lundsford

The opening: a couple sitting cozily on their couch watching Troma's Graduation Day. While not exactly what I call a date movie, the guy leaves for a minute to make some burgers out in the backyard (at night?), leaving his lover at the clutches of a gloved killer brandishing a knife, someone she apparently knows since she's hardly surprised seeing them. Of course, she gets killed, beef guy comes back, sees her dead, woodenly tries to sound shocked, calmly makes his way to the phone to call the police, gets knifed too.

And cue killer playing "Chopsticks" on the dead couple's piano. Chopsticks. Above all things.

Then comes morning, when a local highschool wins a game of football and some teens opt to celebrate their victory by crashing to a teammate's house later that night after some brewskies and a live show involving real-life cheerleaders posing as back-up dancers for a singer we don't know and care about. The problem with this plan, though? Earlier that day, two escaped convicts made their way to this little town and after killing off the local sheriff, his deputy, a guy who owns a diner and a lady patron, they found their way into the basement of a house. The same house where the winning team's supposed to celebrate in, go figure.

But wait! There's more; not only do we have a pair of convicts skulking around, but there's also some talk about someone being released from a nut house, claimed to have shown improvements with their behavior. So could they be the same killer who offed beef guy and lady in the opening? We'll just see as nubile sex-craved teens get their untimely demise at the hand of a gloved killer, who seems to be already waiting for them inside the house.

Night Screams was a good attempt for a slasher movie loaded with possible red herrings and potential suspects, but as far as I can tell that's just about it. The whodunit factor isn't that good as while the plot tries to imply that the killer could be anyone, everyone here are hardly suspicious. (not even the two killers hiding in the house. They made it too obvious in their scenes that they haven't stepped out of the basement)

So basically, it makes you wonder who the killer is but not enough character sand approach to make you engaged; some of the teens are a hammy bunch, especially one plus-size guy who has a knack for doing some odd dance routines which mostly involves him flailing around on his back, but the rest of the cast are paper-thin cut-outs who I can easily label as "Jock #1" or "Slut B". There's a bit of an attempt of make us feel suspicious of the movie's lead guy who is hinted to have some sort of temper problems before. Kinda worked though, but something about it just didn't clicked any interest for me. (Too obvious that it's a set-up, maybe?)

The kills are plenty, moderately gory and partially inventive, most of it kicking in by the last third of the film. It also stinks of late 80s era nostalgia (clothes, hair and all) and the twist in the end is just grim but other than that, I was really hoping it could wow me at some point, but it didn't. Night Screams is just is.

Not exactly a bad movie, just barely made a dent to a very cliched plot line. I can recommend this for the curious types, but surely they can do better.

1 female kitchen knifed on the back
1 male kitchen knifed on the back
1 male shot with shotgun
1 male set on fire, shot with shotgun
1 male shot
1 female shot
1 male beaten, thrown through window
1 male impaled with fire poker
1 female crushed underneath car
1 male inhales poison
1 female axed on the head
1 male had his face burnt on grill, barbecue fork to the neck
1 female strangled
1 male smothered with a plastic bag
1 male had his neck crushed with pool cue
1 female electrocuted in hot tub with a live lamp
1 male kitchen knifed on the chest
1 male kitchen knifed on the gut
Total: 18

Slasher Masks Vol 20

Holy shit how long had I've made one of these?

Five slasher masks, randomly chosen, falls under my verdict.
Here's this volume's picks:
 Torment- Dissecto the Clown has to be the most misleading slasher I've seen. Just when you thought he would look something like this, he ends up looking like THAT! It's cheap, but least it works. If only the movie did too...

 Slash- this South African slasher film had utilizing the good ole' scarecrow slasher again, and this one sortah looked a little better than what I imagined. The coat and hat definitely goes with it, but there's some angles that makes him look sortah like the Creeper from Jeepers Creepers.
 Basement Jack- The titular killer actually looked a lot better without his mask. The mouth-piece was a good touch, but it looked a tad too big for his face for it to be a part of a child's doll. talk about convenience...
 Cold Prey/ Fritt Vilt (I and II)- large. bulky. fuzzy. warm. And just when you thought a polar bear is the only dangerous thing that can live in the snow, this guy came along and goes all menacing on us. Good job, Mountain Man!
Lethal Obsession- Now this is a movie I have mixed feelings with. I dig the plot and the killer's get-up here. But as for the actual execution itself, I just wanna jump into a met grinder and end it all. At least the killer's suit, a wig, a painted mask and a drag, looked good...

Friday, February 22, 2013

One Rare Meat!: Babysitter Wanted (2008)

Babysitter Wanted (2008)
Rating: ****
Starring: Tina Houtz, Sarah Thompson, Nana Visitor

How many times have you heard this story? Babysitter's alone with a kid and then she gets weird phone calls from some guy breathing over the other end. Surely you would know that the twist in this story is that the loonie is actually making the call from inside the house, as truck loads of slashers and horror flicks already utilized this plot with the likes of the When a Stranger Calls franchise. Babysitter Wanted is another that took a chancing stab at this creepy tale, but what sets apart this from the rest of these exploiters is that it offered a neat twist to the story.

Angie is a girl moving out of her home for college; she's sweet, clean, God-fearing and in need of money. So when she finds a babysitting gig at a nearby secluded farmhouse, she pays a visit to the family to see the little tyke she'll be looking after some time later. By far, the kid turns out to be a quiet yet adorable boy in a cowboy costume who only eats a special kind of meat. Angie thinks she can handle it and reassures the boy's parents that everything's gonna be alright.

Boy, was she wrong.

At the night of her gig, things were going as calm as possible until she begins to receive weird phone calls from a guy who's probably a religious nut and trying to break in, apparently to murder them all. Doors get broken down, chases are made, weapons are wielded, just as you think you know where this is going you'll be damn surprise once the cowboy hat falls off the kid...

It's hard to do a review of this film without revealing much of the twist (so if you haven't seen the flick yet, I suggest you stop now and see it for yourself), but all I could say is that I might be giving this a good rating cuz of my Catholic upbringing. (though, I like to see myself as a religious skeptic nowadays) Nevertheless, for those who have seen it, you'll have to admit we hardly see anything like a Pro-Christian slasher flick. Ironically after the twist is revealed though, we get to the real bloody stuff, mostly involving something about rare meat, Bill Moseley playing a good guy, and some really weird killer kid action as the little munchkin devilishly glee at his victims while holding a knife.

Much of the film works as a horror flick thanks to its modest looking production value and agreeable change of tone at the last act. The twist definitely has it's winning ordeals, whether it may hold to the rest of the movie or not. What made Babysitter Wanted drop down from a possible perfect rating in my case, however, is the ending: again, I may have grew up in a Catholic community, but even I have standards and I can tell the ending feels too corny and rushed, left it wide open for a possible sequel.

It may not be as shocking as other religious toned slasher flicks out there, but it's far from being horrible itself despite the pro-Christian context. (Not much on the nudity and the final girl is too obvious of her survival) Babysitter Wanted is fresh enough twist on the classic slasher plot with a good set of baddies, fun curveballs and a bloody mess to boot.

1 female hammered on the forehead
1 male gets his throat cut with knife
1 female hammered on the head, butchered
1 male knifed on the chest, shot
1 female shot
1 male knifed on the chest
Total: 6

That Snickering Skinface: Doom Asylum (1987)

Doom Asylum (1987)
Rating: **1/2
Starring:  Patty Mullen, Ruth Collins, Kristin Davis

I once asked myself if I am the kind of guy who can enjoy almost anything life can throw at him. For all honestly, I am not, so is it that surprising that I have mixed feelings for this supposed slasher comedy?

Doom Asylum (1987) features, much to insult my intelligence, the dumbest cards to play every slasher stereotype there is, the killer included. The story follows a group of five teens venturing to an accident site to pay respect for a man named Mitch, who crashed and lost his wife in a drive gone wrong, though this sentiment is quickly tossed off the window when these kids decide to go sunbathing and picnicking instead inside a nearby abandoned asylum.

Same asylum where Mitch, horribly deformed from what should have been his autopsy, murdered the morticians and, apparently, the rest of the staff. Don't know how, don't care. It's now very barren, let's leave it at that.

Or maybe not too barren; other than our killer, also in the asylum is an all-girl punk band secretly rehearsing their wailing singing which our group of brightly-colored idiots stumble upon. The token black guy then gets suddenly smitten by the band's token black girl and soon this guy just has to go in and meet up with her, only to be killed with a pair of clamps.

Right after that, ole' skinned Mitch begins to systematically kill off those who enter his asylum from both parties, doing it all in good blood which I'm happy for but, wow, the whole deal is just odd. Like, concerningly corny odd.

To be fair, the Doom Asylum was intentionally made as a slasher-comedy so I guess it is to be expected that our characters are supposed to be dumb enough to give us some chuckles. Sadly, as far as half-baked horror comedy goes, this only half-worked as the silly approach just made the casts increasingly annoying and obnoxious, overcooking the cliches they're supposed to be spoofing. They're basically just cartoon characters played by live actors with really bad scripting and wooden acting, with the worst being our killer who, in every murder, just has to spit out something supposedly witty, but fails when you realize one-liners are supposed to be one sentences, not an entire paragraph. (He just had to explain to us his political views...)

There isn't much of a story to tell here either, just some cliched jokes and by-the-book bodycount movie theatrics. Thankfully, it's the blood and gore that made Doom Asylum worth a single night's renting, as every character here meet their demise as gorily as possible, making some of the waiting and enduring worthwhile. (Including a death by bonesaw of pre-Sex and the City Kristin Davis, which is a pure winner for me since she played the most annoying skeptic I've seen here. That and I just really hate that series...)

Running on a short 77 minutes and (any longer than that and I might have thrown the TV off a window) and filled in with lengthy black and white footages from the movie The Demon Barber of Fleet Street (1936)Doom Asylum has its ups and downs, but if one's willing to relax and feel smarter than everybody else then look no further! It may fail to be completely funny, but it does make up for it with good kills like some dork getting a powerdrill to his head just because he kept chasing a baseball card...

1 female killed in car crash
1 male stabbed on the chest with scalpel
1 male stabbed to death with scalpel
1 male had his head crushed with clamps
1 female dunked head-first into an acid-filled sink
1 male powerdrilled on the head
1 female strangled with stethoscope
1 female gets a bonesaw to the face
1 male gets a hypodermic needle to the neck, toes cut off
1 female crushed to a cube through meat processor
1 male repeatedly stabbed on the eye with a mirror's handle
Total: 11

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Termination Papers of the Worst Kind: Redd Inc. (2012)

Redd Inc. (Australia, 2012) (AKA "Inhuman Resources")
rating: ***1/2
starring: Nicholas Hope, Kelly Paterniti, Sam Reid

Was it my fault that I thought the box cover and the plot made it look like this is gonna be a SAW-Clone? I can never see how a single-room setting would actually quality as a slasher film premise, so I never paid much attention to this until I got a last minute thought, as any movie with a picture of a guy in the cover all bloodied up and with an axe looming next to him has to at least have a chance of being a hack-and-slash flickie. So I pulled out the wallet and bought a copy anyway. Now, technically, the first third of the movie took place in a single room, while the rest, well, I'm just glad I had the second thoughts.

Opening with a sassy new executive walking down the aisle with her prada shoes and her designer coat, she gets the unfortunate fate of being killed off early in typical slasher fare. The culprit? Regional ManagerThomas Reddman, axe at hand and grinning madly at the screaming bystanders. 

Six months had passed since his initial arrest and presumed death after the transport he's riding crashes, leaving only his bloody hand as their "proof", Annabelle Hale, previously a witness taking a stand against Reddman in his trial, finds herself kidnapped along with five others who're involved the persecution, by none other than Reddman himself, revealed to be still kicking and killing. He had them hostage in a mock workplace, forcing them to do a workload of paper work while threatening them that if they get five warnings from him, it'll their termination. Literally.

And what other way to demonstrate this by killing off the guy with four cuts on his forehead, who at his last minute decided to fight back by stabbing Mr. Reddman on the hand with a pencil (wanker didn't even flinch). However, Mr. Reddman has something special for Hale to do; he entrusted her to figure out which one of the remaining four might be the killer. As days passed by, escape attempts are made, suspicions are discussed, soon it shows that they may have been hiding something that sealed in their fates at the deranged boss' hands (well, one hand and a blade replacing his missing left), and he's willing to make them pay in blood.

As mentioned above, Redd Inc. starts off as a one-room thriller in which people are forced to do a task to survive, at the threat of gory deaths waiting for them if they don't abide with the rules. It definitely sounded SAW-like, but unlike the Gorno classic or any other imitators out there, Redd Inc.'s villain and direction is somewhat modeled after a typical slasher film, in which anyone can die and in a grisly yet inventive fashion at the hands of the killer.

This horror sub-genre element eventually escalates by the time of the climax, where in one of them finally escapes, and the killer begins to prowl around killing those he can catch; it was at this point where we got treated with a neat twist that shifts some character directions, and an exciting concluding act taking place yet some time later. 

There's some great camera work on this title and cinematography, as the single location where most of the movie took place derived a good claustrophobic and hopeless feel to it. And with Tom Savini taking charge of the special effects department, and features a funny cameo, the gore and kill scenes here are just awesome! The kills are a little CG enhanced, but in a all in all you can tell there's some bit of love, creative-wise, to these murders. Keep an eye on the gruesome death of a so-called medium, specially those who're probably wanna get even with those lil' fakers. 

Kudos to Nicholas Hope as the main killer Reddman, who's overall presence deserves him a good shiver down a spine as both literally and figuratively a boss from hell. Kelly Paterniti was also great as the film's final girl, breaking up the old-fashioned virginal, innocent yet street smart girl with a hard working, troubled yet resourceful fighter facing all sorts of threat. The rest of the cast was fair on their roles; could had done a little better, but otherwise not too wooden, so its more than acceptable!

The idea of a slasher loose in an office isn't entirely new to horror, not with the likes of the cheese-sleaze, pseudo-horrors that is Hard to Die or Psycho Cop Returns, but what makes Redd Inc. a lot better is that it took the time to build an even direction towards both horror and thrill, through a modest budget without dipping in overcooked cheddar. It's a cheap movie, and maybe a little unoriginal, but dang it, ain't it a good run!

Redd Inc. may fit perfectly as a weekend party movie, or a midnight movie to share with your friends. It delivers what it should, from blood and guts, to tight thrills and horrible baddies, so I can highly recommend this title for those looking for a descent slasher/thriller flick, it tried and tested a decent merging of ideas, and while its far from perfect, it had fun with it.
1 female decapitated with axe
1 male had his neck sliced open with blade
1 female had her eyes gouged out, asphyxiated with plastic bag
1 male had his legs sawed off with bone saw
1 male stabbed on the gut with blade
1 male gets a blade through the back, pushed into an elevator shaft
1 male got his neck stabbed with kitchen knife
1 male decapitated with blade
Total: 8

Thursday, February 14, 2013

Be His Victim. One More Time: Candyman 2: Farewell to the Flesh (1995)

Candyman 2: Farewell to the Flesh (1995)
Rating: ***1/2
Starring:  Tony Todd, Kelly Rowan, William O'Leary

Some time after the first movie, the Candyman returns to slaughter those who defy his existence once again, starting with a professor Philip Purcell, who you may remember as the expert of the Candyman legend from the prior movie, now getting slaughtered after tempting to call forth the specter as a promotional stunt for his new book.

Due to his violent public confrontation with the professor that night, Ethan Tarrant, the adult son of a father who was murdered in a Candyman-like fashion some years ago, gets blamed for the professor's death. Now seeking help from his New Orleans school teacher, Annie, he begs her to look into the Candyman legend to find the truth. Unfortunately, Annie refuses to believe in the legend and goes as far as proving to her class that there's no such thing as a hook wielding boogeyman by invoking his name five times in front of the mirror. Thus history repeats as the ghostly killer begins to reveal himself in her most isolated and weakest, killing off anybody that is dear to her or were just in the way.

While the movie is basically a retelling of the original, Farewell to the Flesh marks the Candyman's step into the world of exploited slasher films as he returns with a bigger bodycount and relatively more blood to compare. In turn, however, Farewell to the Flesh lacks the comprehensive and thought-provoking psychological power of the first, as the "did-she-do-it-or-not" mind scare is given away in favor of jump scares and supernatural slasher thrills. So is Candyman 2 a run-in-the-mill slasher everyone is familiar with? Yes and no.

As to many supernatural slashers out there that doesn't involve it's killer/creature posing in physical form (et al. Victor Corwley from Hatchet or Friday The 13th's Jason Voorhees in his zombie form), the plot focuses more on the mystery regarding The Candyman's relationship to the current female lead, rather than the actual urban legend itself and its effect on everybody. Sadly, I didn't find this as workable of an idea; while we all know from the first movie that The Candyman needed to murder and mutilate those around the lead woman in order to prove that he exists and fuel his very well being, it shows in this movie that Annie's related to the Candyman, insinuating that they're related by blood. Now, that's a one in a million chance to be honest, as Annie could have been just anybody saying Cnadyman in front of the mirror five times and the bit about their bloodline being related is just a whole load of fondue thrown in for the sake of providing fans some twists.

Somehow, even if it has stepped down from a cult classic psychological thriller, Farewell To The Flesh kept the serious and heavy tone of the original film thanks to the haunting score courtesy of the amazing Phillip Glass, some great shots showing the dark corners of New Orleans celebrating Mardi Gras and, of course, Tony Todd reprising his role as the charismatic title boogieman whose deep voice sends both shivers and awe to his presence. Though the revelation of his backstory kinda lessens his impact, and a very weak finale just made this character's demise a tad silly, his prowess when it comes to his hauntings and murders is undeniable and his origins as a black slave wronged by overzealous bible-thumpers has its strong points.

Gore is something this movie has to be proud of, too; some plenty of blood red stuff here including hooks going through guts, death by bee stings and an impressive back evisceration, seen through the eyes of a security cam capturing a technologically invisible Candyman slice open a victim's back. (Best part about it is that the victim was a shmuck of a cop. Nothing beats an awesome kill committed to a douche!) There's some scares, too. Weak jump scares, but so long as I'm happy with the overall results, I can live with that.

This might be the last good entry to this series. Honestly, they should had left it with just one movie, but I guess success leaves you cashing in with hopes of striking gold twice. I would still prefer the original, but at least as a slasher film, Candyman: Farewell to the Flesh is an acceptable entry and still an elevated work compared to your average slasher.

1 male eviscerated from the back with hook
1 male gutted with hook
1 female her her neck cut with hook (dream)
1 male seen slaughtered (flashback)
1 male stung to death by bees, thrown to wall
1 male eviscerated from the back with hook, thrown through window
1 male shot
1 female gets a hook through the gut
1 male had his hand sawed off with hacksaw, stung to death by bees (flashback)
Total: 9

Monday, February 11, 2013

Even More Slasher Sequels for Normie Movies

Wow, how long since I had done this?

You know these movies. People loved them. You might too, but sometimes I wonder what will happen if some nut decide to turn the franchise into something...bloody? Gored up? blood soak with something red and sticky? When a masked psycho stalks a singing couple, or when an escaped loon take refuge in a house belonging to a stereotypical family? When normal movies suddenly gain "Slasher Sequels!"

Here are some of the "slasher sequels" I made up for your or your family's favorite films. Now don't kill me for this, I just wanna have fun..


Suggested Titles: The Wormwoods (Matilda II)
Tagline: Crime doesn't pay. It follows you...

What would happen: Two years after the events of the original, Matilda's real family, The Wormwoods, had moved to Guam to escape the authorities after a bust on their illegal car shop operation. Seeing an opportunity to restart his business, Harry Wormwood continues to make cars from used parts for unfair prices; that is until a suspicious worm-out car is seen driving by now and then.

Harry made nothing out of the mysterious car (though he sortah recognizes it as one of the cars he sold), but with the cops suddenly tailing on them sooner than they believed, the Wormwoods drove away into the hot desert, looking for an arranged accomplice who they will stay with until the heat is off. Things were going according to plan, until the mysterious driver ran over their son, and began killing everybody they came contact with.

With the cops hot on their tail, and a madman apparently framing them for his killing spree, can the Wormwoods find a way to save themselves? Or die trying?

possible murders: A hit and run of a boy (yeah it's their son. forgot the brat's name...), a buck knife stabbing, someone got disemboweled with a bike's running tire and lots of shotgun shootouts.

Edward Scissorhands

Suggested Titles: Scissorhands: The untold tale.
Tagline: these blades where made for cutting...you

what would happen: In this basic slasher set-up, taking place in the present, a group of teens from the small town that Edward once became part of decided to make an investigatory thesis on the local legend based on Scissorhands.

Upon entering, they find themselves trapped after the floors gave up and caving them in. Looking for a way out, they found the lab where Edward was made, along with the notes explaining Edward's creation, showing the details of the project. Unfortunately, they're not the only one who's finding: someone inside in the mansion is picking them off one by one, with a deformed hand made with scissors. Could it be Edward? Or something else...

possible murders: disembowelment via scissors, head gorily sliced open with scissors, and a possible reenactment of Edward's town rampage, only this time, people die.

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

Suggested Titles: The Chocolate Factory
Tagline: The Sweetest Revenge is always served cold.

what would happen: Years after being traumatized by the events in the chocolate factory, the young boys and girls that was "rejected" by Wonka made a pact that one day, they'll visit the factory again and exact vengeance on Wonka for humiliating, and nearly killing, them. Unfortunately, as years go by, the factory shuts down after an accident killing an entire family residing in it, but that didn't stop the four children, now adults, to visit it and destroy the very thing that led their lives into depression.

As the group relive their nightmares, a group of teens had also made their way inside the chocolate factory in hopes of recovering lost packages of candy. hoping to sell them. But someone is still lurking inside the chocolate factory. Someone armed with a razor sharp cane, who then proceeds to kill them off, one by one, in a fate similar to what they once had before...

possible murders: fat guy nearly drowned in a chocolate river and then gets a throat slashed, fried by blinding TV lights, pulled apart by taffy puller, and burned alive in incinerator.

Twilight Saga

Suggested Title: Pixie Vamp Massacre
Tagline: If you think Vampire Horror is dead. Think again!

What would happen: Taking place in real life, this horror-comedy will concentrate on a studio who is planning to expand the Pixie Vamp franchise (a parody of Twilight) by making another sequel a few months right after they claimed that the last of the Quadrilogy is indeed their last movie. The Vamp fans rejoice, one angry and disgruntled horror fan isn't.

Some night later, a prop room was ransacked, a guard was murdered and a Transylvanian Knight costume had gone missing. Afraid of bad publicity, they covered this up as an "accident" and forges on to the filming, but unfortunately, the cast and crew begins to thin down as a killer in the Knight's suit began to decapitate, drive stakes and burn people with welded metal crosses, all in typical vampire lore fashion.

It's a race against time, and money, as the remaining crew tries to figure out who's the real killer among them, and whether they should do another movie that's only made it this far relying on heavy fanbase...

Possible murders: decapitation with head being juice for blood, wooden cross impalement, drowned in "holy water", burned alive with stage lights among all other possible vampire-related kills.

Allen Gregory (TV Animated series)

Suggested Title: The Sad Life and Death of Allen Gregory
Tagline: You've Hated the Show. Now love the Movie.

What will happen: In this animated movie, it follows the De Longpre family getting terrorized by a group of hooded punks. The twist here is that this is no mere home invasion; the Mexican maid Allen fired in one of the episodes exact vengeance via seeking the help of a voodoo witch doctor who raised the maid's dead sons after they committed suicide to ease their fired mother's burdens. The three revenants, who wears plastic masks to hide their demonically shut closed faces, then began to hunt down everyone that Allen mostly gets involved to, both adult and children. They kill them off one by one until it's only the De Longpre left, which the undead killers have a special game in store for them...

Possible murders: truck loads of nasty murders such as an entire family being slaughtered with axes, knifes and machete, a guy with a bad hair gets scalped and then electrocuted by smashing his head to a computer, an obese lady getting crushed with a garage door, people being run down with a car, torture via soaked feet and jumper cables to the groin, back being broken and then left for dead in a busy traffic, heads twisted, arms torn off, the sky's the limit for animated gore, and I'm hoping if this film's gonna be made, make it a competition for The Summer of Massacre. (Who, I would like to congratulate, for getting into the Guinness Book of Records for most bodycount in a slasher film!)

The Fun and Weird Ways of Learning: The ABCs of Death (2013)

The ABCs of Death (2013)
Starring:  Ingrid Bolsø Berdal, Iván González, Kyra Zagorsky (and, like, a bajillion more. Not enough to list them all)


Now that's an anthology! I think.

Alright, so, I managed to snag a lookie-look into this "movie" and see what was all the fuss about. Both positive and negative fusses. All through out the anthology, I have to admit, as a whole movie it can be very uneven but I would like to do this review a little fairly, so here are my thoughts for each shorts. Each. Figured since these shorts are hailed by 26 different directors, from different points of the globe, I think it's more reasonable to give my thoughts for each with their own individual ratings and bodycount as they're their own individual films, unlike most anthologies that are wrapped around with a central idea. So, without further stalling, here are your Alphabets of Death!

A is for Apocalypse
Rating: **1/2

A rather weak opening act if not slightly clever, the short happens to be about a sickly man getting attacked by his wife with a knife. She succeeds in slicing a hand and sticking it into her hubby's neck, thus killing him? Not exactly. There's a twist in the short that pertains to the alphabet, thus counting this mini-review as a spoiler for you all.

Personally, it felt too short for me as the shocks came in too soon and it could had done better with a few build up. None the less, the gore was juicy and I dig the bittersweet shock ending to this.

1 male knife to the neck, presumably dies in disaster
1 female presumably dies in disaster
Total: 2

B is for Bigfoot
Rating: **1/2

I was nervous about this one. Not only was this title very misleading, but also because of the weak start. Thankfully, this one done a little better in terms of execution but in contrast to the opening act's strong gore, this one's a little tame.

B is for Bigfoot is about a small girl being told a story about a creature that steals little kids' hearts when he catches them awake pass their bedtime. Telling the little girl this story is her brother and her brother's girlfriend who, unknown to them, will soon find out that their story's all too real and outside lurks the real "creature", armed with a pizza cutter.

I kinda like this one cuz it features a rather cool idea for a killer, but I just wished they made some effort on the gore. Fair enough.

1 male killed
1 female had her heart cut off with a pizza cutter
Total: 2

C is for Cycle
Rating: *

This was just confusing. Like really confusing. I've seen a lot of time travel movies that ended up in cycles but this just failed as a short film version of one. The problem here is that it doesn't tell or show where does the so called "cycle" starts, thus you're left wondering how it all starts and what just happened. For all I know this might just be a metaphor for something but all I came to understand is that this short sucks.

1 male garroted with a wire wrapped garden hose
Total: 1

D is for Dogfight
Rating: ****

Well, praise Jesus and Buddha! This was a hoot!

Dogfight is about an underground fight club that appears to be kidnapping dogs to gamble at and a human boxer who gotten himself thrown into the pit where he must fight, bare-handedly, an attack dog.

This has to be some of the best shorts featured in this collection; shot in slow-mo yet perfectly paced to catch all the action, it's very brutal and shocking as man and beast battle it out in blood. Best of it all, it leads to an unexpected twist that's just clever, bloodier and ironically sweet. Worth going through a couple of bad shorts!

1 male mauled by dog, face beaten with fire extinguisher
Total: 1

E is for Exterminate
Rating: **

Scream Queen Angela Bettis directs this odd short, her own take on the popular urban legend about spider eggs. Nothing brutal, just kinda there; to be frank, I thought this was E for Eggs so I kinda saw the ending miles away. Could have been worse, least it's kinda funny...

1 male has spiders broke out of his face
Total: 1

F is for Fart
Rating: 0

Don't wanna sound racist but yeah, when it comes to horror, Japan can be too weird. In fact, does this even count as horror? I kinda saw more softcore fetish than blood here. And I highly doubt a surreal short about some Atheist broad's disgusting fetish about some other girl's farts count as horrifying. Wait, I take that back, it is horrifying! Horrifying in the sense I just wasted a good minute or two watching this one!

WTF Japan?!

2 females suffocates in gas
1 female sen with her head ablaze
1 female suffocates in gas
Total: 4

G is for Gravity
Rating: **

An extremely short short film about some guy surfing into the ocean so he can drown himself. I honestly don't know what to say about this one; I had to re-watch this short just for me to understand that he just drowned himself but I got to admit, I felt a little uncomfortable watching this. Maybe because it was shot in POV style? I think this would had gone better as a scene of an actual movie but on its own, it's just sad. Tense, but sad.

1 male drowned and weighed himself down in the ocean with bricks
Total: 1

H is for Hydro-Electric Difussion
Rating: ****

Wow, who knew furries can be this hot and live action cartoons can be this entertaining?

A spoof on cartoon violence, H tells the tale of one English Bulldog's trip to a burlesque bar, where he's entrance by a foxy fox. Unfortunately, Madam vixen is an undercover Nazi and she's there to kill him with a menagerie of wheeled bear traps and the titled Hydro-Electric Diffusion device!

Sexy, funny and overall exploitative, Hydro-Electric makes another worthwhile wait through some junkies, just to see them fox junkies and an anthromorphized bulldog beat the crap out of some Nazi scum!

1 female electrocuted until face melts
Total: 1

I is for Ingrown
Rating: ***

Again, this might work better as a scene on a full length movie but on its own, Ingrown just follows the final thoughts of a dying woman who's getting injected with some chemical by a syringe-wielding man. Nothing overly special, just shocking and very tense to watch. Kinda leaves you wondering who or what just happened though but all I can say is that Death. Death just happened.

1 female injected with chemical, poisoned
Total: 1

J is for Jidai-Geki
Rating: ***1/2

And now, another short movie from Japan. Again. This time however, I'm in no hurry to skip it cuz this one's kinda worthy of its time. It follows a nervous samurai who keeps seeing his sepukku victim donning one weird face to another. It's funny as it is obscure and surprisingly tense. You'll never know what happens next! Love the ending to this one, worth some chuckles!

1 male guts himself, decapitated with sword
Total: 1

K is for klutz
Rating: ***

Another quirky and funny short, this time about a woman in a toilet who finds her own poop to be quiet a hassle to get rid off. Some time however, it appears that the feces has a mind of its own and, well, things never end well when it involves a moving piece of shit!

A funny surreal animated short, a little sexy and a bit gross but good enough for laughs.

1 female gets a sentient feces force its way through her innards

L is for Libido
Rating: ****

Wow, just, wow. This has to be one of the nastier entries in this anthology. A room full of well dressed and masked spectators watch captive men forced to masturbate for their own survival in different stages. They start off simple with nude women and those who couldn't cum fast enough are executed via anal impalement but as the stages go up, the men are soon forced to jerk-off to weirder and more shocking acts of sexual deviancy, such as a crippled girl masturbating with her own prosthetic leg and even child rape!

Think of this as a short and Asian version of that controversial shocker A Serbian Film; equally bloody, shocking and intense. After you've finished this one, I'll guarantee this, you'll feel bad about yourself...

1 male skewered with spike
11 males presumably skewered with spike
1 male skewered with spike
1 female head skewered with spike
1 male dismembered with chainsaw
Total: 15

M is for Miscarriage
Rating: *

Is it me, or is Ti West's movies getting crappier by the second? No pun intended for this short as it's literally about another toilet, but the problem here was that its so called horror was just cheap and very lazy. Ti, what happened to you? What happened to the guy who made cult goods like House of the Devil or Cabin Fever 2? Get your head in the game!

1 baby miscarried
Total: 1

N is for Nuptial
Rating: ***

A funny black comedy about a lover who gives a parrot to his girlfriend as both a gift and his own sweet way to propose to her. Problem? The Parrot knows a little too much, enough to have this guy stabbed to death. Not entirely shocking or scary, but I laughed and I'm in glee. My! Oh, my! What a devilish glee it is!

1 male slaughtered with knife
Total: 1

O is for orgasm
Rating: *

I swear to God, I think I've been through this one. Apparently this short is directed by Bruno Forzani, who some of you may remember as the director of the art-house giallo Amer. Sadly, as much as I love Amer, this hardly counts as horror as it's actually more of a surreal collection of artistic image mumbo-jumbo. Not very impressive if you've seen this all before, nor will it even make sense for those who hadn't seen a Forzani film or two! Just as lazy as Miscarriage and twice as stressing.

1 female hanged
Total: 1

P is for Pressure
Rating: **

A psychological entry, Pressure follows a prostitute mother's struggles of buying her eldest daughter a bicycle for her birthday. Oddly enough, this also barely counts as horror for me, though I admit the ending is just shocking. (I own a cat and I hate crush videos. You sick fucks! If you're reading this, hope your lonely lives end up with wasting your cash on petty drugs, a fucking needle and an OD!) Distressing, upsetting and hits a low blow, the quality of the short is however impressive considering there's barely any speech uttered, showing how effectively expressive this is.

I doubt watching this will make me like the director's more well known work Red, White and Blue (2010), but I might check out some of his other shorts.

1 cat crushed (that bitch...)
Total: 1

Q is for Quack
Rating: ***

Taking a lighter and more comical tone on animal cruelty is Quack, a funny short about this film's director and his co-worker friend trying to make a short film about death which involves the letter Q. The duo agree to kill a duck. (Since Ducks go "quack"...duh) but sadly, none of them have the guts or brains to do it, so they suffer the consequences.

A bit random but at least this counts as a silly patellae cleaner for that sour taste left in me by Pressure.

2 males shot each other
Total: 2

R is for Removed
Rating: ***1/2

Well, I'll be true about this one; I didn't get much out of the plot. It involves a man who's held captive by some doctors because they need to skin his badly burnt and infected back so they can use his flesh and blood to process some nitrate film. But after being their Guinea pig for far too long (I think), the man finally snaps and murders doctors and bystanders in quite a gory display and makes his way to some tracks to push a train.

And then it started raining blood that's obviously a sprinkler system cuz I can see the damn thing on the top of the screen.

I think what appealed to me in this title is that it kinda gone into a slasher film format, with some graphically creative deaths including feces drowning and an IV pole impalement. I can ignore plot anytime just for those.

1 male neck broken with chain
1 male head smashed with bottle
1 male skewered with IV pole
1 male shot
1 male bled to death from wounds
Total: 5

S is for Speed
Rating: 1/2

Speed is literally and figuratively about speed. It has two girls out in the desert, trying to outride a mysterious hooded figure who's out to claim one of them. There's a good twist in the end but it's never something we hadn't seen or heard of before, and this short was executed so quickly I just lost all care for any of these characters. Boring. Nuf, said.

1 female suffers through drug overdose
Total: 1

T is for Toilet
Rating: ****

Oh yeah! I was excited for this one! I've been following Lee Hardcastle's Claymation videos for quite a while and let me tell you this, his Youtube Channel is bloody disturbing! I'm just glad the pick they chose was one of my favorites! A nightmarish encounter in a toilet have a little boy's parents, while trying to help their son get over his fears of dying in the bathroom, get savagely eaten by a potty-mouthed monster!

The whole animation is just upsetting and dreadful in a good way! Gore is deliciously nasty, traumatizing and the shock-twist ending's one of the best I've seen! Worth the trouble!

1 female had her face burnt off by creature's acidic blood, eaten in half
1 male gets creatures tongue ran though his arse, crushed and eaten
1 boy head crushed
Total: 3

U is for Unearthed
Rating: ***

I dunno about you guys, but I think this is damn good and entertaining. Unearthed is a POV shot of an unearthed vampire who finds herself attacked by the same people who dug her out. It's a simple short actually, and like some of these in the collection, would actually worked better if it's a little longer or would if it was a part of a feature length film, but as far as entertainment and creative value counts, I never seen anyone who had done a POV film through a monster's eyes so I'll give this one a passing mark!

1 female had her neck bitten
1 female stake through the heart, decapitated with axe
Total: 2

V is for Vagitus
Rating: **

Here's another example of a short that should have been longer. Vagitus is an action thriller about a futuristic raid involving a police woman and her robot cohort gunning down what appears to be armed mercenaries. But as the cop begins to arrest what's left of the mercenaries, she finds out that her mission isn't all what it seems and the people she encountered might be hiding something quite powerful.

I like the idea and I like the twist. I enjoyed the shoot-up action and the badass robot cop, but the idea was rushed and the multitude of twists just came in too soon for me, leaving a lot unexplained or at least tried to be explained. I would enjoy this if it was a little longer but so far, it's a fair count. (Besides, out of all the shorts, this one had the most kill count. That calls for something, right?)

2 females and 1 male decimated in explosion
8 males shot
1 female shot with machine gun
1 male shot with machine gun
1 female shot
1 male killed off camera
1 male shot with machine gun
1 male shot in half
1 male had his head explodes via telekinesis
Total: 18

W is for WTF!
Rating: 0

...Seriously? What the fuck was that? Some crappy animation cum gore slash zombie apocalypse film meets mindfuck? Nothing scary, nothing shocking, just plain stupid and weird. I swear to Glob, the only good shit about this "short film" is that shot of some nurse with a tight blouse. Other than that, I rather shot my gnarls off with a shotgun than go through this pile of smoking hot shit again. If you like weird, this is for you. But I'm sure even the weirdest feller I know wouldn't even get this one. (Unless one exist. Then buddy, I wish you a well yet lonely life...)

1 animated female disemboweled with knife
1 animated male electrocuted
1 male ogre seen dead
1 paraplegic male pushed off the cliff
1 female eaten by zombies
1 male eaten by zombies
1 male had his head torn off
1 female eaten by zombies
1 male had his face eaten by creature
1 male decapitated with sword, head stabbed with knife
Total: 10

X is for XXL
Rating: ***1/2

Being a little chubby, I have to say this was discomforting to watch; but Xavier Gens, who brought us the Neo-Nazi slasher Frontier(s), cooked up the most vile and gruesome torture porn splatter short about an extra large woman's determination to slim down after a whole day (or rather a whole afternoon) of ridicule from people around her. Of course, this being a splatter movie, we're not talking about exercise...

If you got a strong stomach or non-quivering eyes, then this is a good shocker from beginning to end. Least this makes up for Gens' rather dull survival flick The Divide...

1 female flayed herself
Total: 1

Y is for Youngbuck
Rating: ****

From the minds of Hobo with a Shotgun, comes this retro montage of a pedophile janitor's demise. Rocking soundtrack (WOOT! POWERGLOVE!), with some awesome visuals, great gore and some creepy disturbing sequences, I better keep the review for this one simple cuz I think this is one of the most unbeatable entry in this anthology! Eisener just knows how to make a film shocking, nostalgic and utterly artistic with so little to use!

1 male eyes punctured with antlers, head torn off
Total: 1

And lastly
Z is for Zetsumetsu
Rating: 0, or should I say WTF?!

Does this even count as horror? What the heck, Japan?

I don't even get what this was about. Some guy selling Japan-made products? Commercialization? Softcore porn? Fuck, I don't know and I don't care, all I know is that's three entries from Japan and two of them already fucked up, and I just used the F-bomb twice in one sentence, meaning I'm stark-raving mad and I had enough.

This is just awful and I know this country can do better. I can't believe I'm saying this, but bring in some long-haired ghosts! Least those kind of movies sometimes make more sense than art house-porn like this!

3 males shot through with gun
1 female gutted with bladed dildo
Total: 4

So there you have it. A parade of the bad, the awful, the decent and the too good for words! As each of these directors expressed full artistic freedom, I'm just glad I'm able to made it this far, criticizing their works without losing my mind. (Or did I?)

So whether you're curious to see what unholy legion this film has for us, or been aching to see what's your favorite horror director up to now, The ABCs of Death is a roller coaster ride that you just have to see to believe.

Total Bodycount: 83