Death Comes For Legacies: Final Destination: Bloodlines (2025)

Final Destination: Bloodlines (2025)

Rating: ***1/2

Starring: Kaitlyn Santa Juana, Teo Briones, Rya Kihlstedt

It's been, what? Fourteen years since the last Final Destination movie? In all honesty, Final Destination 5 (2011) would have ended the franchise on a high note by being an absolute godsend entry for managing to still keep the idea of Death personally picking off disaster survivors brutally frightening and morbidly fascinating within its back-to-basics story. Not to mention that one neat twist in the near end that I'm sure surprised a lot of the audience the first time they saw it! But through the next years, the rumor mill kept hopes of another round of the "howdunnit" bodycounting alive, this including talks of a story set at the medieval ages, to ones focusing on a group of first responders. (Frankly, a period piece Final Destination movie would have been interesting. Maybe then they would finally address who or what the flying fridge kept giving these random people visions of terrible disasters?)

Now, Death is back once more, and this time it takes a bloodied flying log through the legacy sequel trend, with a big emphasis on "legacy".

The scene starts at 1968; young Iris is surprised by her boyfriend Paul with a fancy dinner high up at a newly opened Skyview Tower, a classy restaurant built hundreds of feet above ground. What Iris didn't know is that her man plans on proposing to her there, all the while Paul isn't aware that the love of his life is carrying his child. When the two learns of each other's little secrets, the couple couldn't be happier for themselves and one another, thus everyone clapped and is happy.

Until some brat's coin toss somehow leads to the tower's glass dance floor shattering, a massive explosion, and the structure falling apart, killing everyone.

As Iris falls to her death, this turns out to be no more than a recurring nightmare and the source of night terrors for one Stefani, a present day college student. It's been two months since she started dreaming the disaster and, hoping to find its source so she can live normally again, Stefani pries information out from her extended family who hesitantly reveal to her that Iris is her grandmother, driven insane by her constant lookout for Death ever since that visit to the Skyview and is now dwelling inside a fortified cabin at a secluded mountain clearing.

Tracking her grandmother down, Stefani learns that Iris was successful in preventing the tower's collapse, saving the lives of everyone there. Of course, Death didn't like that its plan got screwed up, so it starts to kill off every survivor in the order they would've died that time, along with their respective descendants who shouldn't exist to begin with. The matter that everyone walked off living and breathing from that tower meant Death took a very long while to eventually get to Iris' bloodline (so long, dare I say, that if it was a movie, it would take three or four sequels just to do it justice), but with Iris now terminally ill, she theorizes Stefani's getting these dreams as a sign that her family's next to bite as soon as the cancer finally do her in. 

Stefani didn't buy any of this at first, but a well-projected weather vane through grammy's head moments after their meeting was enough to make a believer out of the girl, who then starts to go through and take to heart Grandma Iris' impromptu gift, a Bible-thick journal full of tips and tricks on how to avoid Death. The rest of her family, as you would expect, was skeptical by all of this until, that is, someone's dad got his face mulched by a runaway lawnmower and a cousin gets a gruesome yet unusually humor-driven incident involving a garbage truck. By then, it's a desperate race against time to find a way to break the cycle, which may include a heartfelt final appearance of Tony Todd as the mysterious mortician William Bludworth, a kooky plan to kill-and-resurrect a cousin through a triggered peanut allergy, and maybe even a darkly humorous suggestion of infanticide to steal the fresh soul's years, though thankfully nobody bothered to do after, perhaps, one of this film's best exchanges.

In fact, one of the key good points of Bloodlines (2025) is how the two families are written and portrayed, just a colorful bunch of fun and likeable characters despite their flaws. The film generously gives good bits after good bits of just how close they all are (Uncle Howard's kids and their cousin going through the house looking for a tiny adorable pet turtle, for one. And then there's Richard Harmon's Erik, a tattoo and piercing-studded assholey joker-type, shown to have a photo of his dad giving him a fatherly smooch on the cheek set as his phone's wallpaper, which successfully tugged my heartstrings), and it's this warm bond that's something mostly absent throughout the franchise, thus greatly welcomed here for giving the movie an identifiable theme and tone, as well as a relatable raise of stakes.

When it comes to the messy meat and bone of the movie, Bloodlines (2025) does kick things off with one of this franchise's best opening disaster next to Final Destination 2 (2003)'s vehicular pile-up; just brutal carnage all over. Blood, guts and charred bodies grace the screen full of splatter and a dash of dark comedy here and there. (Raindrops Keep Falling on my Head plays on a radio before hapless dancers start getting splattered on the hard concrete from a fall. A penny's weight causes a piano to tip over and fall through and, satisfyingly, on top of an obnoxious character. Just to name a few) This dip into grim comedy occasionally shows up across the rest of the death scenes, making the massacre here oddly balanced in terror, gore and cathartic laughs as MRI magnet flies metal debris through soft flesh, or an accidentally-chained nose piercing escalates to a deadly blaze.

The excitement, unfortunately, starts to fizzle down around the final act as the remaining family decide that the best course of action to keep Death at bay is to have them, or at least one of them, fort up inside late-Grandma Iris' "deathproof" cabin as long as they could, so the rest can live their lives to the fullest. Now, see, this is when Bloodlines (2025) starts to get sloppy with its direction as, for one, this plan is just dumb; with Death managing to kill off Iris using the structure of the cabin against her, the whole place is basically imperiled and this is further hammered down by the number of hazards originally meant to keep the Grim Reaper off now posing as dangers against the doomed family. And, yet, they continue ahead, resulting to even more deaths and a near-death experience that may or may not have broken the cycle.

I could have tolerated this shortsighted turn of events as it did still feature a few nicely executed set-pieces, but even when the movie rears up its inevitable twisty final disaster, Bloodlines (2025) couldn't even bother to come up with a more creative exit. Practically speaking, they just did the ending for Final Destination 3 (2006) again, only with little to no exciting build-up, looking awfully cartoonish and has Final Destination 2 (2003) logs thrown in because, well, fanservice. Yawn.

Quite a shame, really, as I would have given this entry a better rating given that they tried harder and better for its finale. Still, the journey before that is a whole baggage of fun, one that isn't shy to toss around an emotional core in the midst of all the crushed bodies and witty jest, reminding us to cherish our time with our loved ones. All I can say is I'm glad we have Final Destination: Bloodlines (2025)! It's imperfect, but worth a watch! 

Bodycount:

1 elderly female gets a projected weather vane through her head

1 male had his face shredded by a lawnmower

1 female crushed to death inside a trash compactor

1 male gets a magnetized wheelchair crush and impale him into a malfunctioning MRI machine

1 male gets a magnetized metal spring through his head

1 female crushed by a falling light post

1 female crushed by an airborne log

1 male crushed by an airborne log

Total: 8

Images (c) Google

A Sailor Man Disgustipated: Popeye The Slayer Man (2025) and Popeye's Revenge (2025) Double Bill Review

Very much like the case of Winnie The Pooh: Blood And Honey (2023), beloved spinach-eating, bad guy-bopping Popeye The Sailor Man joins the troublesome train of childhood characters getting reformed into brutal killers once he entered public domain in 2025, resulting to movies like Popeye The Slayer Man (2025) and Popeye's Revenge (2025)! Now, as a kid who grew up watching the sailor beat away villains and saving his dame, Olive Oyl, time and time again (Oh, those cherished Monday nights!), seeing him turned into a massacring monster should've got me feeling disgustipated, but as a hardcore slasher fan, I just got curious.

So curious, in fact, I watched these two back to back! Was I crazy to do that? Of course! But I had a warm cheeseburger and a pack of fresh onion rings that evening, so why not pair those with a couple of dumb movies? 

~~~

Popeye The Slayer Man (2025)
Rating: ***
Starring: Jason Robert Stephens, Sarah Nicklin, Angela Relucio

Blow me down. I actually like this one!

University student Dexter is doing a video documentary about a local town legend known as the "Sailor Man", who apparently haunts the abandoned and soon-to-be demolished Anchor Bay spinach cannery. He's joined by his bestfriend Lisa, her boyfriend Seth, their friend Katie, and a mysterious newcomer named Olivia who's deeply interested about the urban legend. The gang plans on filming around the factory later that night for quality shots, as well as do a bit of junior investigation around what exactly led to the place shutting down two decades ago. While all of this is happening, Katie's abusive boyfriend and his cronies are convinced she's cheating, so they start stalking the place to confront her.

Unbeknownst to all of these hapless souls, the Sailor Man is real; with his deformed face and equally misshapen, overly muscular arms, he stomps around the factory to crush some heads and tear off a few limbs. Particularly of those who dare enter his territory...

Popeye The Slayer Man (2025) is what it is, a cheesed-up slasher with a ridiculous premise, one that actually brought some good material to poke fun at; while the characters are your trope-types ranging from the nerdy protagonist and his cool girl love interest, to the lovey-dovey couple and despicable douchebags that are just in it for the kill count, they're set around a story that's basic yet workably outrageous, centering on bad spinach cover-ups and a mutated man-monster with distinctive brutality. It walks a fine line between being a satire of the Popeye franchise with its name drops and visual Easter eggs (I guess that guy will have to pay another food joint Tuesday for a cheeseburger today), and a murder-focused B-grade bodycounter that generously delivers splashy kills and chunky gore, the resulting product being this odd yet entertaining ham of a movie that can get predictable with its direction, but makes up for it with a few laughs and loads of the red stuff. Loads.

At times, the low budget does show whenever we get a good look at our killer Popeye up-close, the rubbery texture of the practical effects done for his face and tumorous arms visibly obvious. Due to this, it's sometimes hard to feel scared for our characters whenever the Sailor Man is out getting them, though we do have some expressive lightning here and there that definitely gave him an intimidating presence, as silly as he looks with his caricature face, bulbous arms and his strangely prim sailor uniform. (Like, he's been hiding in that dusty spinach factory for years, how the heck is that uniform not worn out?) Plus, he has lore. The movie actually took the time to build a silly lore behind this monster, one involving unsanitary canned vegetables, whistleblowers and a long lost swee'pea that, somehow, makes him sympathetic, even! I have to give the movie points for that!

To simply put it, Popeye The Slayer Man (2025) is a movie not meant for serious eyes, but for those who love a bad slasher! Cheesy to the core, too silly to ignore, pop this Popeye in with hot popcorn and anchors away!

Bodycount:

1 male disemboweled

1 male had his head crushed open, brain spilled out

1 female killed offscreen

1 male had his head stomped

1 female had her scalp torn off, crushed in a hydraulic press

1 male had his eyes thumbed, head twisted

1 male had his neck crushed with an anchor, decapitated

1 male impaled by dropped steel rods

1 female falls unto steel rods, impaled

1 male beaten to death with his own torn arm

1 male had his head crushed 

Total: 11

~~~~

Popeye's Revenge (United Kingdom, 2025)
Rating: *1/2

Starring: Emily Mogilner, Connor Powles, Danielle Ronald

From ITN Studios, who produced the infamous Winnie The Pooh: Blood and Honey franchise, comes this darkly tale of a deformed boy who drowned in a lake, now haunting the woods as a supernatural undead hulk, hellbent on murdering he comes across. 

Yeah. Hadn't heard of that before. Totally original. (If I had a nickle...)

Popeye's Revenge (2025) starts with an animated narration about a boy named Johnny (Nicknamed "Popeye"), who was born with a cartoonish chin, even more cartoonish forearms, and immense strength. Because of his odd appearance, he's constantly bullied at school to the point he eventually snaps one day, strangling another kid dead. Horrified by this, Johnny's parents hide away him in a basement until this whole thing blows over, his only companion a mysterious pen pal who passes him notes through a secret door. It isn't long before the angry mob find out where the boy is hidden and they torch down the house, killing Johnny's family and him barely escaping the blaze, only to seemingly drown in a nearby lake. Now, it is said that Johnny's spirit lives within the lake's fog and whenever it rolls in, it means nothing more than the arrival of a vengeful burnt brute. (Dressed as a sailor)

Cut to the present and we learn that Johnny's old home was rebuilt mysteriously over the years, and a young adult Tara has inherited it after her gramma passed away. Hoping to turn it into a haunted attraction to help her folks with their money problems, she invites her friends over to get the place cleaned up, unaware that the foggy presence of "Popeye" and a mysterious accomplice has set their eyes on hunting and ending them the moment they arrive.

As you can tell, Popeye's Revenge (2025) takes a different stab on ole' Popeye The Sailor Man, one that's barely Popeye at all. There's little to no reference to the cartoon source material and, instead, simply have its killer dress up as a half-burnt sailor (in a lake) and beef up his arms a bit. In fact, take all the Popeye stuff away and just make Johnny a random vengeful revenant cursed with deformity, you'd still have the same picture show! Sadly, the story it chooses to tell is barely showcasing anything new, with the killer's origins, for one, a hodge-podge of Friday The 13th's Jason Voorhees, A Nightmare on Elm Street's Fred Krueger and even a bit of the undead ghosts killers from John Carpenter's The Fog (1980). The plot dearly tries to make something unique out of this monstrosity, but its supposed supernatural angle is handled so poorly, it's practically nonexistent and pointless, leaving us with nothing more than another killer-in-the-backwoods dead teenager movie littered with boring and unlikable youngsters. 

If there's anything to praise here, it would be the fact that Popeye's Revenge (2025) has some decent camera work here and there, its sizeable kills are never dry of blood (Though some of the props used are obviously Halloween decors, just look how stiff that freshly torn spine is!), and its "Popeye slasher" looks intimidating given that you ignore the silly matter that he's wearing a cartoon sailor's uniform in the middle of the damn woods for some reason. (In fact, why was he wearing a sailor's uniform when he was still alive?) It has that faint whiff of cheese, sure, but it doesn't really feel like it's openly approaching its silliness that much, focusing more on straight shlock that partially works.

In the end, uninspired plotting and clumsy execution is the undoing of Popeye's Revenge (2025), and no amount of splatter and slaughter can save itself from being a tired effort. That's all I can stands, an' I can stands no more! 

Bodycount:

1 boy strangled until his eyes popped off (flashback)

1 male and 1 female burned to death (flashback)

1 boy caught on fire, drowned in a lake (flashback)

1 female hacked with an anchor, head stomped

1 female punched through the chest

1 male had his head crushed

1 male garroted to death

1 female had her throat crushed with an anchor, drowned in a jacuzzi

1 male gets an anchor to the groin, spine and head torn off

1 male shoved eye-first to a broken plank

1 female shredded through with a riding lawnmower

1 female strangled with a length of chain until her eyes popped off

1 female caught in an exploding car

1 male knifed to death

1 female set on fire

1 female had her neck broken

Total: 17

It's a Terrifier Christmas, Let Horror Fill Your Heart: Terrifier 3 (2024)

Terrifier 3 (2024)

Rating: ****

Starring: Lauren LaVera, David Howard Thornton, Antonella Rose

I'm just gonna put it out there that I was considering knocking down a few points from this movie for being a Christmas slasher because, damn it! The Terrifier franchise already established itself as a Halloween staple all the way back to its iconic killer's first appearance in Damien Leone's short, The 9th Circle (2008), and y'all wanna terrorize another holiday? Way to break the momentum! 

But, hey, this little blow to my obsessive compulsiveness aside, Terrifier 3 (2024) is just a damn good movie.

The film opens on a night before Christmas, with a girl named Juliet having a tough time sleeping, disturbed by the weird noises she's been hearing. Her family dismisses her concerns, explaining it away as just the house settling (or Santa's elves), but Juliet isn't convinced. Not when the noises start to resemble footfalls. Once her folks go back to bed, the little darling decided to snoop a bit, soon spotting none other than Santa Claus himself walking to their Christmas tree and pulling out from his sack... a heavy axe. What was once a silent night becomes a gory night as every single one from this family gets hacked apart, dismembered all the way, revealing to us that under the red suit and heavy boots isn't a jolly old fat man. It's Art the Clown, up and walking around once again!

Jump back to five years ago; after another Halloween rampage, Art seems to have met his match when one of his supposed victims, Sienna Shaw, fought back and managed to defeat him by cutting his head clean off with a seemingly mystic sword. This, however, is no setback for the clown as his now headless body kills its way to where his head ended up after the brawl, at the psychiatric clinic holding one of his former victims, the heavily disfigured Victoria Heyes, who appears to have finally succumbed to whatever demonic forces at play here. The two escapes, leaving more bodies on their trail as they flee back to Art's dilapidated hideout-slash-work shop where they go into a dormant state.

 

Moving ahead to the present, Sienna Shaw is undergoing a great deal of therapy as the events of that one Halloween night haunt her to this day, with visions of her dead friends and family blaming her for their demises. Upon her release from a mental health center, she's to stay with her aunt Jess' family, an arrangement Jess' husband Greg isn't too sure about despite putting on a cheerful face whenever Sienna is in the room with them, fearing she's one or two breakdowns away from endangering the family. Their daughter Gabbie, however, is simply ecstatic to have her big cousin around, completely unaware of the nightmares Sienna's dealing with. 

All the while, Jonathan, Sienna's kid brother, is now in college trying to move on with his life, something that's proven to be a tad hard when his sister is keeps blaming herself for surviving and just wouldn't let it go, as well as the fact that there will always be someone out there who will recognize him as one of the 'supposed' survivors of a killing spree perpetrated by Art the Clown, who at this point is something of a Miles County urban legend.

And speaking of the devil; when couple of demolition workers arrive to inspect a rather familiar dilapidated house, they didn't expect to find both Art and Victoria there, now awakened from their unnatural slumber and ready to take more lives as brutally as possible. With this starts another round of murders and torture for ole' Art, and with it being the Christmas season, he's gonna try on some new looks and explore new painful ways to end people. Hell, maybe he and his new accomplice will even take the time to be home for the holiday and celebrate it with a certain girl who got away the only way they can: with a crown of thorns (and razor blades), rat torture and even a roaring chainsaw...

As you watch Terrifier 3 (2024) start itself with the annihilation of a random family before treating you with a gag of a headless body wearing a victim's head to get around inconspicuously, and then grossing you out with the imagery of a now-demonic woman eating chewed flesh straight out of a still-living decapitated head's own gullet, you know damn well that this movie's going to continue the franchise's tradition of delivering some of the most-messed up things you could pull off in a slasher flick and I'm glad to say it's done all here with some noticeable improvements; for one, the pacing is just a breeze, wonderfully balancing out the story of our heroine undergoing an emotional and mental crisis as she tries to live a normal life past that one gore-soaked Halloween massacre, with that of Art the Clown being, well, Art the Clown. Just savage hijinks with a good dose of black humor that only a creepy grinning killer mime can pull off. The direction wisely opted to not overly dwell on the plot to the point that it overcooks the drama and character depth, giving it time to breathe a bit in between brutal hijinks of little mall kids getting one hell of a Christmas popper courtesy of Art, or that of a man getting the skin and flesh of his head dressed down from the skull while a disfigured witch watches and sodomize herself with a mirror shard. (Yes. You read that right) 

Curiously, apart from Sienna's descent towards a fractured case of survivor's guilt and her increasingly strained relationship with her brother, Terrifier 3 (2024) technically adds nothing that we didn't already know since the last film. Rather, it expanded upon what was given before and dives further down its layers, throwing in biblical lore behind Art's supernatural durability and immortality, as well as Sienna's mysterious sword for what could be a set-up to something big and immaculate in the future. It's not hard to see how this scattershot plotting can get real testy for some audience, as the increasingly overcomplicated mythology could stray the franchise away from what was originally just a simple story of a deranged clown killing folks, but for some of us who can roll with the punches, it's a tolerable dent on a showcase of gore and darkly hilarious clownery. Plus, admittedly, my curiosity is peaked by what they're hinting here. I mean, how couldn't you when one of these visions involves a living statue of the Virgin Mary seemingly commanding a chained demon to forge the armor of a warrior angel in hellfire? That's not simple badassery. That's pure metal!

One cannot deny, too, the top-tier special effects here; despite some of these being your typical slasher murder fares of axe hackings or knife murders, the way they're executed to push the boundaries of an iron stomach keeps them fresh, the increasing absurdity of their own brutality fitting nicely with its darkly imaginative savagery and/or the unrelenting intensity of its overkills. One axe blow isn't enough to kill someone here, oh no. Unlike most slashers out there, Terrifier 3 (2024) wanted to make sure a victim is dead and that typically means more than a couple of whacks! And, yes, why not get kooky and experimental with the murder weapons? Would a handheld tank that blows liquid nitrogen do? Of course, all of this wouldn't mean much if it wasn't for David Howard Thornton's morbidly charming portrayal of Art the Clown, who's at his most expressive here considering the clown is basically playing pretend as Santa Claus, spinning his own take on Christmas spirit and holiday cheers via cartoonish body language and facial acting, effectively hiding his deadly intentions. From enthusiastically losing himself over meeting "Santa", to mockingly mute laughing at a wife's distress while hacking apart her husband, Art continues to be a real slasher icon and there's no sign of slowing down or stopping!

Thus the saga of this hyper-violent slasher franchise continues and Terrifier 3 (2024) sets itself as a real solid treat as a holiday bodycounter, may it be Halloween's or Christmas'. There's room for improvement, sure, but it's safe to say that this one undoubtedly served the demented and the defiled! The gruesome and the gory! Have a Terrifier Christmas! Let horror fill your heart!

Bodycount:

1 boy hacked to pieces with an axe

1 male hacked to death with an axe

1 female hacked to death with an axe

1 girl killed with an axe (heavily implied)

1 male killed offscreen, head seen

1 female killed offscreen, later found being eaten

1 male had his head pried apart

1 male murdered offcamera, clothes seen

1 male jabbed in the neck, stabbed to death with a mirror shard

1 male had his head cut open with a box cutter, flesh flayed off

1 male shot on the head

1 male shot on the neck, bled to death

1 male had his limbs and head sprayed with liquid nitrogen, bashed apart with a hammer

1 boy blown apart by a bomb

1 female blown apart by a bomb

1 girl blown apart by a bomb

2 victims blown apart by a bomb

1 female slaughtered to death with a chainsaw

1 male bisected with a chainsaw

1 male found headless, gutted and nailed to a wall

1 male head seen inside a cage, eaten by rats

1 female gets a tube shoved down her throat and force fed with live rats, throat cut with a knife

1 female gets a sword to the mouth, decapitated

Total: 24

Of Hollywood and Puritans: MaxXxine (2024)

MaxXxine (2024)

Rating: ***

Starring: Charley Rowan McCain, Simon Prast, Mia Goth

First, in 2022, director Ti West threw us back in time to the 1970s to experience X, a barn massacre through the lens of porn culture and Southern fried proto-slashers ala Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974) and Eaten Alive (1976). And then, just a few months later, he had us seeing and feeling the tragedy that is that movie's leading villainess in her own origin story ala prequel title, Pearl, a grim yet loving nod to old 1910s Hollywood technicolor and psycho-drama. Now, West has returned to act as our tour guide across Mid-80s Regan era Tinseltown, following the footsteps of an uprising starlet with a dark, shadowy past: Maxine fucking Minx!

It's been six years since Maxine (Mia Goth) survived her brush with death after a porn shoot in rural Texas turned into a massacre and she's now working as an underground porn celebrity. But Miss Minx wants more in her life; the glamour of Hollywood, her feet on the red carpet and her name on The Walk of Fame. She wants to be a star. A real Hollywood star. And she's willing to climb her way into mainstream fame by any means necessary, that including starring in a woman-directed sequel to a controversial horror title, The Puritan. (Which is so bad, there are already Christian zealots with picking signs outside the studio, expressing their displeasure of the production!)

Fortunately for Maxine, she got the role! Unfortunately for her, her past refuses to stay buried: a shifty private investigator (Kevin Bacon) begins to stalk and pester her about her involvement in the porn shoot massacre, threatening to expose this dirty little secret should she refuse to follow the orders of an enigmatic benefactor. Little does he know, Maxine, who spends a few spare times at night beating the balls out of creeps, as well as scoring some connections to the shadier side of the acting business through her agent, is more than ready to get her hands dirty to make sure that part of her life remains six feet under.

Would this be enough, however, to stop a shadowy figure who's not only following Maxine's rise to stardom, but is murdering those she have grown close to lately? Perhaps there's more to the arrival of the investigator than expected. Someone out there wants her to know they're watching. Waiting. Judging whether to punish her for accepting a life she doesn't deserve... 

Comparing this with X (2022) and Pearl (2022), MaxXxine (2024) strays the furthest away from being a horror flick and is more of a crime thriller with horror elements, practically a neo-giallo painted in late-80s nostalgia. Much of the plot here is centered on Maxine's struggle to reach the limelight of Hollywood and the murder investigation she finds herself tangled in, with the former being the more intriguing deal of the movie as it opened an opportunity for the titular character to be explored further, to see how she would deal with the challenges standing in her way to become Hollywood's next big thing. It's a neat set-up and it has its moments of interest, most involving Kevin Bacon's creep of a character being beaten black, blue and red all over, but the effect feels cheapened by the direction's lack of depth and dimension, something that could've been corrected if only the characters, Maxine included, were more defined and developed to raise the stakes higher, making this should-be thrilling mystery, well, thrilling! But instead, the casts are reduced to one-note names caught in a bizarre stalk-and-stab situation, most of who are pushed aside with how much the story focused on Maxine's rise to stardom. All the while Maxine herself remains stagnant as a personality in her pursuit for success, leaving us with a journey that's too straight of a line to be anything more exciting.  

It's not until the third act where the horror shtick rears its ugly head in full gear after popping in and out throughout the film in small servings. This, in turn, means we only get a handful of slasher-friendly scenes, the closest to looking and feeling genuinely straight out of a bodycounter flick being a savage knife murder at a video store. Curiously enough, the kill count does go double digits eventually, but this is through a macabre police shootout at the story's conclusion, again putting MaxXxine (2024) further away from being a fright flick and aligned closer with horror-flavored cop thrillers ala Manhunter (1986) or Body Double (1984).

Despite all of these shortcomings, though, MaxXxine (2024) is far from unwatchable. It's lacking, sure, but it's entertaining if you're not really looking for a movie that dives deep into its own story and is more on the deal of giving us a messed-up misadventure tainted with blood and intrigue just for the sake of it. It's beautifully shot as a nostalgic piece, impressively recreating a good dose of late-80s vibe and aesthetic from the music to make-up, from its set-pieces to the bouncing-rocking soundtrack. (Love me a good Kim Carnes song!) The mystery itself is also a fun little trip from the little connive it generated as to who exactly is out to get Maxine. The reveal is sort of underwhelming, I'll admit, but the madness that follows has just that much crazy going for it that it works, not to mention it does tie up Maxine's Hollywood saga quite nicely if anything. (Plus it leads to an awesome head decimation, that has to count for something) And, of course, Mia Goth being quite the spunky, hard-hitting doll as she nails her role magnificently! Maxine may be underdeveloped, but at least she's a fun watch thanks to Goth's performance.

Not quite the showstopper I expected for Ti West's 'X' trilogy to end on but, small mercies, MaxXxine (2024) could have been worse. Way worse. It might be missing the gore-soaked, haunting creepiness of X (2022), or the soul-crushing heartbreak of Pearl (2022), as a shlocky cop thriller-slash-murder adventure, this one is serviceable enough on a B-grade scale. 

Bodycount:

2 females murdered offscreen, bodies later found in a lake

1 male slaughtered with a hunting knife

1 male handcuffed inside a car, crushed to death in a hydraulic compactor

1 female found dismembered

2 males seen shot dead

1 male shot

1 female shot

1 female shot

1 male shot

1 male shot, stabbed in the nose with switchblade

1 male shot

1 male shot

1 male found shot dead

1 male shot, bled to death

1 female found stabbed in the eye with a crucifix, falls down a hill

1 male had his head shot and decimated with a shotgun

Total: 18

They Don't Need A Reason: The Strangers: Chapter 1 (2024)

The Strangers: Chapter 1 (2024)

Rating: *1/2

Starring: Madelaine Petsch, Ryan Bown, Matus Lajcak

The way I see it, the most important thing to remember about remaking a movie is to tell the story of the original through a different set of eyes. Find the best parts that people love about the source material, keep them and then come up with something familiar yet original around it. The Strangers: Chapter 1 (2024) may have missed a note or two about this.

Couple Maya (Madelaine Petsch) and Ryan (Froy Gutierrez) were driving to Seattle for a job interview when their car broke down, forcing them to stay overnight at an AirBnB. The two talk and cuddle, think about what the future holds for their relationship, kiss, have dinner, all of the sugar you'd expect a happy couple does. The diabetes is soon interrupted by knocks on the door and a figure in the shadows asking for someone named "Tamara". When they answered no one of that name lives there, the figure leaves and everything seems alright. For a while.

When Ryan decided to ride back to town and check up on the garage that's fixing their car, Maya is left alone to chill until she started hearing creepy lullabies being hummed somewhere, as well as getting the gooseflesh after spotting more shadowy figures lurking about. It isn't long then that all the eerie and crazy shit begins to happen upon her and her lover as three masked figures prowl the house, playing a demented game of cat-and-mouse with murder in mind.

Admittedly, The Strangers: Chapter 1 (2024) does look easy on the eyes in terms of visual quality and production but, sadly, that is all I could say that this movie did right as everything else is a real misfire; for one, the new main couple feels cheap for how thinly they're written, lacking any depth or relatable flaws to help raise the stakes once the masked goons start attacking them. We see them get terrorized and maybe feel a little scared for them, but it just doesn't have a hard enough gut punch to make their predicament distressing. Petsch and Gutierrez did give their all to play their roles with a tad more spark to them, but the effort just wasn't enough to effectively work a thin script and we're basically left with a caricature of a doomed horror movie couple.

As for the slasher attack itself, The Strangers: Chapter 1 (2024) is more or less a loose, beat for beat retread of the original movie's home invasion assault with minor differences. We see the couple run and the strangers making chase. Ryan finds a weapon only to kill someone by accident. The two then getting split up during the chaos only to be hunted down and brought back to the AirBnB for a recreation of the iconic final scene where the strangers stab them with a knife. The film try spicing things up by setting most of the action out in the woods and have the strangers act more like hunters looking for prey than creeps toying with their victims, but it also made the mistake of building potential suspects by introducing a nearby town full of creepy townies who eye the unmarried couple as if the two are conjoined in the arse. With this, the creep factor is just gone as there's no lingering mystery to who could be behind the masks as we're now provided a small community full of them, killing off the scare tactics of a random house attack and setting the plot back to tired horror trope of unwelcoming small towns.

And that's what's frustrating about The Strangers: Chapter 1 (2024); it has the opportunity to try a different angle towards the titular murderous trio and their killing spree, but the film would rather play safe and retell the same movie with nearly nothing new added. It lacks life or dread. It's tired and recycled. The whole thing is just dull. A beautifully shot yet dull backwoods slasher. Hopefully Chapter 2 and Chapter 3, which are supposed to be released either later this year or at the next, would do better.

Bodycount:

1 male hacked to death with an axe

1 male shot on the head with a shotgun

1 male knifed in the gut, bled to death

Total: 3

TV Terror: Chucky - Season 2 (2022 Series)

Chucky (Season 2, 2022 Series)

Rating: **1/2

Starring: Zackary Arthur, Bjorgvin Arnarson, Alyvia Alyn Lind

Previously on Chucky, season one; a Good Guy doll possessed by the soul of Chucky, real name Charles Lee Ray, AKA the Lakeshore Strangler, shows up in the New Jersey town of Hackensack. He nearly manipulated a lonely queer teen named Jake into becoming a murderer, only for the boy to wise up and learn that the doll is actually prompting him to kill as a part of a ritual that's supposed to raise an army of even more possessed Good Guy dolls, spreading chaos across America. Jake, along with his crush Devon and a bully-turned-ally Lexy, and too returning franchise heroes Andy Barclay and Kyle, puts a stop to Chucky's Diabolical plan, with Andy seemingly driving himself and the rest of the living killer dolls to their deaths off a cliff.

Season two starts months after Chucky's bloody reign of terror in Hackensack; Jake and Devon are now living apart with foster parents, while Lexy is undergoing therapy with her seemingly traumatized kid sister and a mother whose milking the tragedy for political clout. Things go South when on Halloween, one of the Chucky dolls tricked the kids into meeting up and have Jake's young foster brother bring the little Good Guy and his expertly crafted home-made bomb to them. After a brief struggle, the bomb is detonated, killing off the tyke, and the three is naturally blamed for the tragedy. But instead of getting thrown off and locked away, Jake, Devon and Lexy find themselves chucked to a Catholic school that specializes in treating problem kids, which also happens to be Chucky's former residence. 

There they face an overly pious Father Bryce (played by Devon Sawa with no connection to the previous character he played last season), a real shortage of mean kids for the kill count, Lexy's struggles with drug addiction and, of course, Chucky dolls going around the school killing random people before stalking the lead trio and their new member to the anti-Chucky movement, a sweet nerdy girl named Nadine. Curiously, though, the story often dips into the same black comedy curveballs as that of Seed of Chucky (2004)'s when it comes to moments involving any killer dolls like one misadventure involving the reprogramming of a captured Good Guy into being good ala A Clockwork Orange, or the arrival of even more Good Guy variants like a really swole one who'd take care of loose ends, as well a Good Guy who may have taken a liking to Apocalypse Now (1979)'s Marlon Brando a tad too much. A fair deal of these mini murderers are often taken care of so easily, which starts to show the downside of Chucky learning how to split his soul into multiple dolls; when it comes to the movies prior to Cult of Chucky (2017) or even Curse of Chucky (2013), there's a satisfying sense of triumph when Charles goes through the beating and get killed in the end as, albeit the knowledge that he'll be back somehow, there's only one of him. Now, when one Chucky doll goes down, there's no more weight to it, no sense of victory as you know somewhere is another one of these little bastards sneaking up on them with a knife, a hammer or, god forbid, the world's quietest chainsaw.

While all of this is going on at the school, season 2 spreads its spotlight to Tiffany Valentine's own little situation when her two young adult children, Glen and Glenda (both played now by Lachlan Watson), shows up one day seeking answers as, for some odd reason, the two forgot that they used to be one genderfluid living doll back at Seed and have been feeling "empty" whenever one of them is away from the other. Tiffany, still in charades as Jennifer Tilly, tries her best to protect her two darlings from the truth, but the ruse gets complicated when the twins discover their mum's dirty little secret: Nina Pierce, the ever-so-tormented lead girl from Cult and Curse, quadruple-amputated to prevent her from escaping and forced to live with the very soul of Charles Lee Ray inhabiting her body. This fork in the road eventually leads to the twins learning about their past and even more murders at the hand of Tiffany as she struggles to keep things in control, both homicidally and financially, leaving Glen and Glenda choosing sides between their loving yet psychotic mother or a small gang of survivors who are out to stop their father's increasingly convoluted plans of horror and terror.

This entire mess of a story somewhat straightens itself up around the near end when most of the players introduced gather around and attempt an exorcism on a Good Guy which is, honestly, one of the best ideas this franchise ever dwelled in. I mean, with all of the pseudo-voodoo going on, how is it we only now tackle the possibility of doing another rite to get rid of Chucky? But as you would expect, things didn't go as easy as expected and, unsurprisingly, characters get snuffed out, including those who were introduced for last minute twists only to have their existence and contributions to the Child's Play lore practically rendered pointless by dying no soon after. (But, hey, at least their deaths were pretty bloody and gory. I guess that has to count for something) The end result of this exorcism-gone-wrong would have made a great season finale but, instead, we're treated with one more episode where we go jump ahead a few months to Christmas and one "final" Chucky doll plots to kill Jake, Devon and Lexy. That concludes the season with Chucky splitting a victim gloriously gory with a chainsaw, and then he himself is carved gloriously gory with said chainsaw, a character we nearly forgot turns out to be evil, Tiffany is on the run and possible in danger herself and the Glen/da doll returns with a new makeover and a new name, Gigi, with plans to see the world~

All in all, this second season of Chucky showcases the very reason why I rarely bothered with media with plotlines expanding over multiple books/movies/shows/whatever; it's simply all over the place and often gets too complicated to follow through. Some established ideas were retconned with twists, only to have it go nowhere and dropped unceremoniously, plus the potential drama between the human characters is just a cycle of bickering and making ups that gets real tiring quickly, which doesn't help the fact that a lot of these troubles feel uninspired and recycled. When it comes to the horror sequences, thankfully, the show still packs a real gut punch with its gore, torture and deaths, sometimes peppered with black humor and mean-spirit that I wholeheartedly welcome. Some cheese can be found, true, but better have that to lighten things up than have the entire show drag on with its crisscross plotting straightfaced and dull.

Frankly, the show's increasing silliness is what kept me watching (Plus, the gore. Of course), though I cannot deny that the amount of clashing surprises, motivations and dead ends hindered me from enjoying this season any further. Hopefully things get more focused story-wise in the future, all the while maintaining the grue and black comedy, but I can't help but think that's wishful thinking considering what I just experienced here... 

Bodycount:

1 boy blown up with a bomb (S2, E1 - Halloween II)

1 elderly female frightened into a heart attack (S2, S2 - The Sinners Are Much More Fun)

1 male had his throat cut with a nail file, stabbed to death (S2, S2 - The Sinners Are Much More Fun)

1 elderly male strangled with a rosary (S2, E3 - Hail Mary!)

1 male beaten, heart punched out (S2, E3 - Hail Mary!)

1 male found dead from poisoned wine (S2, E4 - Death on Denial)

1 male shot to death (S2, E4 - Death on Denial)

1 Liv Morgan knifed to death (S2, E4 - Death on Denial)

1 female slashed and stabbed to death with a straight razor (S2, E5 - Doll on Doll)

1 female tossed off a tower, lands on a statue (S2, E6 - He Has Risen Indeed)

1 female ran over by a truck (S2, E7 - Goin' To The Chapel)

1 male blown apart (S2, E7 - Goin' To The Chapel)

1 female gets a thrown bowie knife to the eye (S2, E7 - Goin' To The Chapel)

1 female had her soul swapped, gunned down (S2, E7 - Goin' To The Chapel)

1 male electrocuted with a defibrillator, bursts into flames (S2, E8 - Chucky, Actually)

2 victims found dead, souls removed (S2, E8 - Chucky, Actually)

1 female split in half with (The World's Quietest) chainsaw (S2, E8 - Chucky, Actually)

Total: 18

An Average Sharp Hand Joe: A Nightmare on Elm Street (2010)

A Nightmare on Elm Street (2010)

Rating: **

Starring: Jackie Earle Haley, Rooney Mara, Kyle Gallner

When the 2003 redux of Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974) made bank at the box office, the decade went on a "reimagining" craze when it comes to a bulk of its slasher films by redoing cult classic titles from yore into lean, mean, modern horror cuisines with varying results of passes and failures. 

More often than not, these reimaginings simply take the name and concept of the movies they're reworking and create entirely different stories around them, all the while paying tribute to the originals with a few jabs and nods, maybe a famous line uttered here and a familiar kill over there. This, in turn, usually rub a good chunk of dedicated fans the wrong way as they argue that some of these remade films hardly resemble the originals they've known and love so it's no surprise that some titles did try to stick to the source material as much as they could, like this 2010 modernized take on a slasher classic about nightmares and a little Ohio landscape called Elm Street. As you would see, that may pose its own shortcomings as well. 

A Nightmare on Elm Street (2010) opens at a diner where a group of teens witness their friend, Dean Russell (Kellan Lutz), seemingly ends himself by running a steak knife across his own throat. The core cast within the group did take notice of how odd this apparent suicide unfolded, like how Dean uttered at someone that they're not real before the darkly deed was done.

Next to bite the big one is Dean's girlfriend Kris Fowles (Katie Cassidy), who just hours after attending her late-boyfriend's funeral and getting comforted in her room by her ex, Jesse Braun (Thomas Decker), gets sliced across the chest in her sleep by invisible blades while being levitated and hurled from wall-to-wall. Jesse is blamed for the murder and thrown in jail, but he too falls victim to whatever murderous force is picking off the kids one by one. A murderous force burnt like hell, wearing a fedora and a stripey sweater, wielding a glove with knives for fingertips. 

Quickly noticing that their friend group is dropping like flies, our lead duo Nancy Holbrook (Rooney Mara) and Quentin Smith (Kyle Galner) starts looking into a few cryptic clues dropped by the others before they croaked, these including the possibility that they all once knew one another at long-forgotten pre-school and, too, the fact that they all been getting similar nightmares involving a burnt fedora-wearing man lately. It isn't long then that Nancy's mother finally reveals the truth to the two, that they and their late-friends were indeed under the same pre-school class many moons ago and that the school's caretaker, a fella named Fred Krueger (Jackie Earle Haley), allegedly molested them. In an act of vigilante justice, the man was chased into a boiler room and set on fire by mob of angry parents and the kids, somehow, forgot all about this ordeal. 

That is, until recently; somehow, from beyond the grave, Krueger has returned to eliminate all the children from that preschool class by killing them through their dreams, as revenge not only against the folks that roasted his arse, but also against the now-teenage kids who ratted him out. With time running out and Krueger getting closer to killing them, Nancy and Quentin have no choice but to figure out a way to stop and end a killer who only exists in their nightmares.

Now, I wanted to like A Nightmare on Elm Street (2010); it's a shot on making Fred Krueger scary again and, on a certain weight, we did get that as not only the plot tackled the grim characterization of Fred being a child molester and abuser, an idea that was dropped from the original 1984 film for being too heinous, but Jackie Earle Haley also did a fine job giving us a creepy and menacing supernatural killer with his drawl speech and sadistically perverse body language. (Also, I'm probably among the minority who's actually okay with the new look. It strongly implies that he's hardly human anymore) The problem, sadly, is the story and its execution as the movie practically replicates the original to a near tee so there's very little room for creativity and hardly a reason for this to even exist. The only points that set this remake from the original is a new set of teens with updated classes of stereotypes and the idea of micro-naps which, admittedly, works well on the scenes implementing them as it shows the teens slipping in and out of Freddy's reach in real time as they struggle to keep themselves awake. I would also add the little red herring attempt in which we're supposed to question whether Krueger did abused those tykes or not but, let's face it, anybody with common sense would know that he did terrible things to those kids so we might as just well drop that pointless hook. (I mean, again, he's played by Jackie Earle Haley here. Remember Ronnie McGorvey from Little Children (2006)?)

Any attempts for a scare fall dull and cheapened by this movie's use of CG effects for its supernatural elements, as well as jump scares that mostly looked too silly to genuinely frighten. The characters outside of Freddy are also unapologetically bland, basically among the most boring line of victims-to-be which isn't helped by the fact that most of these dead meats were killed off before any worth of development was done for them. The kill scenes, thankfully, are done with a good deal of practical effects with some digitalized enhancements, and some of the visuals that go along with these scenes do echo a familiar vibe of an early Elm Street movie, where Fred is mostly in the shadows and everything around him is grimy and, well, nightmarish. Apart from that, A Nightmare on Elm Street (2010) barely stands out and while not a completely bad film on its own as, again, it still delivers on what we expect from an Elm Street movie, a supernatural kill count committed by a nightmare-woven paranormal killer, it fails to bring any sense of charm or creative grit to make itself a rightfully enjoyable watch. 

Bodycount:

1 male had a knife stabbed and sliced across his throat

1 female slashed down her chest with a razor glove

1 male stabbed though his chest with a razor glove

1 male set ablaze (flashback)

1 female stabbed through the head with a razor glove

Total: 5

Another Baghead In The Woods - The Trilogy: Terror at Black Tree Forest (2010), Escape to Black Tree Forest (2012) and Black Tree Forest III (2012)

Welp, here we are. Across the wide open plains of a cheapjack franchise involving another bag-masked loonie killing people in the woods, channeling their inner-Jason Voorhees. How original...

Terror At Black Tree Forest (2010)

Rating: 1/2

Starring: Allison Scott II, Paul Albers, Steve Carty

So for the first six minutes of this mostly hour long-trek, we see a 1970s married couple and their boy Brian Mellows out in the woods, with mom and pop deciding to leave lil' Brian alone to play while they go hanky-panky in the forest. This private baby-making session is unfortunately interrupted by a random killer in a sack mask who proceeds to stab dear hubby dead and go rapey on dear wifey. Brian hears the commotion and arrives there just in time to see his mother get snuffed out by the masked man, leading to a chase scene that kinda goes forever with both the kid and the killer tripping on stuff. The boy eventually outruns his assailant and was soon found tuckered out near the road by a passing driver.

Cut to the present and we now follow four friends out to camp at the very same woods Brian Mellows had his haunting experience and, wouldn't you know it, Mr. Mellows, now fully grown yet mentally broken from the trauma, has just escaped from an asylum and made his way to the very same backwoods with a murderous streak. Take a wild guess where all of this is heading to...

There's really not a lot go by this one; the story can be easily shortened down to "kids go to the wood, kids go dead" and nothing much else, all shot and edited in that psuedo-grainy "grindhouse" aesthetic then popularized by the Tarantino/Rodriguez double-feature throwback Grindhouse (2007), only with more eye-straining colored tinting that I'm sure would fry some people's eyes blind if they look at it too long, as well as brain-numbingly dull rock acoustics and synthesizer music to bore our ears, too. All the characters were written unremarkably generic and, worse even, acted with the flair of a wooden stump, so, really, this is honestly one of the most forgettable slasher titles out there, which makes the fact this thing got a movie series even more shocking.

I honestly see very little appeal in this one. Sure, you could call this title an attempt to capture the good old days of hacking and slashing, but it just doesn't feel like it tried too much. Everything about it look, sounds and feel half-assed and it shows. If y'all are looking for a throwback slasher, you can do better than this limp piece of work...

Bodycount:

1 male knifed through the head

1 female had her throat cut with a knife

1 female knifed in the gut

1 female knifed to death

1 female knifed in the eye, killed

1 male had his throat sliced with a knife

1 male found murdered, method unknown

Total: 8

~~~

Escape to Black Tree Forest (2012)

Rating: 1/2

Starring: Paul Albers, Brandon Aylor, Karrie Bauman

Taking place two weeks after the events of the first film, now dubbed in the news as the "Black Tree Terror Massacre", lone survivor Mare Strode is still reeling from the fact that she narrowly escaped being butchered by the mad masked slasher Brian Mellows and her recent stay at the hospital to recover did little to help. So much so that, the moment she got home, Mary picked up a pillow case and turned it into a mask before going Halloween (1978) opening sequence on her own mother, knifing her to death. 

Yep, it looks like we're going down the route of Friday The 13th Part V: A New Beginning (1985), only this one's a lot more open with the fact that our then-final girl is now a mad slasher, returning to Black Tree Forest to start another killing spree. And everything from there is basically a repeat of the first film as we have yet another set of four teens visiting the titular woods to camp out, all the while doing some dumb shenanigans like stopping by a grocery to buy some supplies and pig out on free samples, as well as skinny dip on a pond albeit some footages missing. (Yep, they're still doing the Grindhouse (2007) shtick here) These tomfooleries are mostly intertwined with Mare's dad and a detective out driving to the same site in hopes of finding the girl, unaware that she'd gone cuckoo for murder and is about to go Michael Myers on our main gaggle around (and I kid you not) the last fifteen minutes of the damn movie.

Frankly, the whole thing simply failed to bring anything with actual substance as despite the plot implying a lot of interesting directions, like Mare's sudden turn to the stabby side, her father's desperate search for her or the suggestions that the first film's original killer may still be out there seeing no actual body was found, none of that really mattered as these are all set aside for what basically amounted to nothing but a lot of padding and even more padding. There's no real urgency to the pace here and by the time we do get some actual slasher horror, the fucking shit is rushed like hell with cheap kills, one uninspired chase sequence and an ending that I'm certain would have been more impacting given we actually gave a shit.

Much like the first film, this sequel is damn forgettable. Heck, even more so as practically nothing happened here to earn any genuine form of thrills, scares or intrigue. It doesn't help too that the writing is as bland as the talent acting them out, as well as the sound design and editing are basically shit. It's simply a boring follow-up to an already boring film and I would rather eat a laundry pod than subject myself to another helping of this movie. Throw it out on a pile of dog doo and carry on with your day...

Bodycount: 

1 male knifed in the eye

1 female knifed to death

1 male knifed in the back

1 male implied brained, bloody rock seen (flashback)

1 female knifed

1 male impaled on a tree branch

1 female knifed to death

1 female killed offscreen with a knife

1 female shot with a shotgun

1 male shot through the head with a shotgun

Total: 9 

~~~

Black Tree Forest III (2012)

Rating: 1/2

Starring: Brandon Aylor, Jennii Caroline, Breana Mitchell

Wow. Like, actual wow. You couldn't even see shit most of the time in this one!

So apart from being a backwoods slasher, this third entry to a franchise that doesn't even need to exist is also a holiday bodycounter, taking place around Halloween. Here we follow Chuck, a character from the prior film who survived the massacre that took the lives of his friends and girlfriend. He's now locked up in a nuthouse where we see a doctor interviewing him about the events that led to them camping at the titular Black Tree Forest, which meant half the running time of the entire run focusing on random shots of him and his girlfriend having fun at an amusement park before eventually showing us the clip note version of the second movie. (Think Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2 (1987), only less funny, less 'Garbage Day!' and grainer)

Chuck also now believes he's part of a cycle of violence which may or may not be an actual curse inflected by the Black Tree Forest and it is this belief that motivates him to escape the nuthouse, don a raincoat and dollar store mask, as well as steal a knife from an old lady's house ala Halloween II (1981) before legging it back to the woods. All the while, yet another set of four characters planning a Halloween night bonfire at Black Tree Forest and, well, you know what comes after...

...That is, of course, if you could see goddamn anything! Seriously, there's little to no lighting done in this mess so most of the time I'm trying to figure out what half of the crap I'm looking at whenever a scene takes place either at night or in the dark. And because of this, I couldn't even make out most of the killings and for those that I did see, they're nothing to clamor about, making Black Tree Forest III's talky direction, muddled audio, padded pacing, and overly grainy and irritatingly saturated shot-on-video visual aesthetics not really worth sitting through.

I mean, I can give it some respect for perfectly capturing the feel of an 80s local channel midnight Halloween viewing, this film definitely replicated the look. (complete with a shlocky TV host and an intermission courtesy of a black-and-white Trick 'r Treat safety PSA!) I can also appreciate it for trying some type of twist in the form of a random red herring involving a woman being tortured inside someone's basement which eventually ties up to this movie's ending but, aside from these, Black Tree Forest III is just a big bore of a movie and a headache to watch. What really else is there to say about this movie but 'fuck off' !

Bodycount:

1 male murdered, seen strangled with a cord

1 male found dead with a missing eye

1 female had her throat cut with a knife

1 male stabbed with a knife

1 male stabbed with a knife

1 male hit on the temple with a nailed wooden board

1 female brained with a hammer, body later seen dumped off a bridge

1 female killed, method unknown

Total: 8

~~~

And that's all of them. All three of the original Black Tree Forest movies and, my god, I think I need a strong drink to cleanse away these horrifically atrocious exploitation throwbacks I just subjected my eyeballs to. I'd be even more fortunate if I pass out drunk and get a hangover in the following morning because that would have been a far more engaging experience compared to this movie, too! But oh, what's that? Why did I phrase these three films as the original? Well, dear reader, you curious scamp, you! The franchise found a way to be remade in United Kingdom back in 2021! In fact, I reviewed that movie first and swore then that I wouldn't even touch this franchise for how horrible that movie was but I'm a completist. 

A fucking stupid completist...

You're welcome.