Every Game Has A Loser: 7eventy 5ive (2007)

7eventy 5ive (2007) (AKA "Dead Tone")
Rating: ***
Starring: Rutger Hauer, Gwendoline Yeo, Antwon Tanner

A gang of kids in a sleepover find themselves as the only survivors of a nightmarish home invasion when someone they prank-called earlier decided to get unevenly even with them by showing up masked and armed with an axe, hacking down all of their parents who happen to be resting downstairs after their own night of partying. The killer eluded capture and was never to be seen again until a decade-ish later, apparently to tie up loose ends.

As the now grown-up children starts to turn up axed to death themselves and a duo of detectives race against time to stop this new murder spree, one of the survivors drives out to a party at a friend's house (in the middle of nowhere, of course) along with his "crew" to celebrate the end of their finals. Everything was going smoothly until someone suggests playing a game of "75", where one must prank call a random number and keep them on the line for seventy five seconds without making them aware of the joke being pulled on them. One of the calls, unfortunately, is somehow redirected to the killer and it isn't long before someone drunkenly blurts out the house's address and the axeman cometh.

A late 2000s direct-to-video horror movie tackling the basics of all things dead teens and axe-wielding maniacs, 7eventy 5ive tries to spice itself up with a side of cop procedural with The Hitcher (1986)'s Rutger Hauer as a no-nonsense half of a detective pair. Though this isn't anything new (10 to Midnight (1983), anyone?), it still works in a manner that the procedural does a relatively fine job transitioning plot points that may or may not be red herrings, inviting a sense of urgency to the killing spree as well as fine fodder to the movie's neat little twist at the climax, despite some moments that the execution can be too expounding, slowing the pace.

The rest of the story is, as mentioned, your classic paint-by-number dead teenager horror jig, with (mostly) moronic teeners going at each other and doing ridiculous things for cliche purposes. Nothing new, though I will admit the overly familiarity of the tropes and the matter that little of these casts are tolerable made this early bit of the movie testy for my patience. Thankfully, once the party died down a bit and only a few faces stay behind, the film rightfully treats us to a considerably enjoyable mid-movie massacre where filler characters get the sharp end of an axe before proceeding to our main casts.

The killer, donning the same parka look as that killer from Urban Legend (1998), is unintentionally hilarious for how exaggeratedly menacing his body language is (just watch how he sways around his head like a snake to a snake charmer whilst looking for their victims on one scene), but I learned to look over that seeing he's at least putting some good and brutal effort on using his axe to forever silencing our thespians. This leads to a twist that I personally didn't saw coming despite some very subtle hints in the first half and I really can't decide whether I'm quite satisfied with where it ends to seeing how much it borrows from both Scream (1996) and, strangely enough, Night of the Living Dead (1968), but I will give the film credit for how both insane and textbook cliched it is.

In all, 7eventy 5ive (2007) is your professionally shot albeit run-in-the-mill slasher being, well, a slasher and at most, you can tell the production is satisfied with that. I personally find this movie to be at a level of mediocrity that it'll be easily overlooked, but if one would take the time to look into this, it is an okay bodycounter packed with sizable kills and a chaotic finale made to entertain.

Bodycount:
1 male hacked with an axe, decapitated
3 females and 2 males slaughtered with an axe
1 female strangled to death
1 male hacked on the face with an axe
1 male found with his throat cut
1 female found murdered
1 female heard being murdered over the phone
1 male implied murdered
1 female decapitated with an axe
1 male axed on the chest
1 male had his neck crushed under the killer's foot, repeatedly hacked with an axe
1 female hacked to death with an axe
1 male decapitated with an axe
1 female drowned under a pool
1 female thrown dead against a wall
1 male axed on the back
1 female found murdered
1 male stomp crushed against the driver's seat, beaten to death
1 male hacked on the chest with an axe
1 female seen murdered
1 male hacked with an axe
1 male stabbed with a hunting knife
1 female stabbed on the chest with a hunting knife
1 male shot to death
1 female and/or 1 male hacked with an axe
Total: 29 to 30

A Girl and Her Dog Story: Madhouse (1981)

Madhouse (AKA "There was a Little Girl", "And When She was Bad") (Italy, 1981)
Rating: ***
Starring:  Trish Everly, Michael MacRae, Dennis Robertson

Fresh off the Video Nasty list this not-so-loving tale of two sisters, revenge of the twisted kind, and animal-to-human violence with a level of goriness welcomed by true fans of the grue.

Mary is woman with a flesh-eating sickness that began to eat away her face. She's also an institutionalized psycho who spent a good childhood torturing her twin sister, Julia, traumatizing her into fearing her presence.

True enough, Julia may have grown into a fine and caring teacher in a school for deaf children but deep inside she still feels uneasy about her insane sister (as anybody would) Her eccentric yet patient uncle insists, however, that she should make another effort bonding with her sister, seeing that she is still family and that both of their birthdays are not too far. Julia gave in to the suggestion and visited Mary to see how' she's doing; what Julia get in return to her compassionate gesture however is a threat from Mary with promises of further torment to her loving but generally frightened sister.

No sooner that night, Mary escaped, assisted by an unknown accomplice and now armed with a vicious Rottweiler trained to maul anybody in her orders. She now skulks around murdering anybody close to her sister until the fateful day arrives, where she had prepared the worst for dear Julia.

Shot with eccentricity and style similar to a giallo title (which should be no surprise since the entire film is an Italian production, confused as American thanks to an all -American casting) Madhouse had potential to be a grim and uneasy slasher movie due to its grit and very downbeat atmosphere, but some of the drawbacks falls on the movie's sluggish pacing and cheese-vs-serious-undertones that made this a weird film that can be a chore to watch.

The true joy of Madhouse is that it is gory, done in a delightfully creative twist that only a few slasher titles dared to try; while the killer prefers a classic knife stabbing for some of their victims, the bloodier and chunkier kills are all done through a mauling dog, which is quite nasty and considerably longer for intensity's sake. The camera often focus on the mutilated throats of these poor chaps and the make-up for them are some of the better ones this subgenre could offer. Perhaps this is the best reason to point out why this film was enlisted as one of UK's Video Nasties.

As said before, the movie works quite well in terms of moodiness thanks to a well tuned and haunting score that goes fittingly with the gothic location. The casts are strong despite a few strangeness on some of their characters, keeping on that note some odd set-pieces found along the way, like the reveal itself which I find tilting my head to in sudden confusion and intrigue. I'm sure that I may missed a few clues that foreshadowed this turn of events but it just came in so sudden that the leading climax is as frightening as it is servile, ending on a note that there might be no hope for anybody in Julia's family.

It's not a movie for everybody, but Madhouse is an exquisite example of a slasher movie that tries to break some boundaries; not enough by standards that it'll reinvent the face of horror but more of making itself quite memorable for the true fans. Elegant, creepy and sullen, this is definitely a must-see for slasherholics.

Bodycount:
1 male mauled on the throat by a rottweiler
1 male knifed on the chest
1 boy mauled by a rottweiler offcamera
1 cat found hanged
1 female mauled on the neck by a rottweiler
1 female stabbed with a kitchen knife
1 female knifed on the gut
1 rottweiler powerdrilled through the head
1 male had his back hacked open with a hatchet
Total: 9

The Hessian Rises: Sleepy Hollow (1999)

Sleepy Hollow (USA/Germany, 1999)
Rating: ****
Starring: Johnny Depp, Christina Ricci, Miranda Richardson

Johnny Depp and Tim Burton in a slasher film?

If you know your history on 80s dead teenager flicks, Mr. Depp already had his share of slashering with that one famous nightmare man from A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984), but it's nice to see a big shot like him take a stab at this fair sub-genre every little while. And same can be said for Tim Burton on this subject; I'm a fair fan of Burton but even I can't deny that some of his works lately have been, well, "commercialized". Despite enjoying movies like Alice in Wonderland (2010) (a guilty pleasure) and his latest release Frankenweenie (2012), that little magic he had on films like Edward Scissorhands (1990) and Beetlejuice (1988) is missing lately so I'm just glad to see something as mystifying as this applied in the least expected sub-genre.

Mixing a bit of neo-classical steampunk and Burton-esque brand of Victorian Gothic, Sleepy Hollow (1999) tells a version of the infamous Headless Horseman tale wherein Ichabod Crane is a police constable in 1799 with a penchant for the scientific whenever he is doing his law abiding duties. He's sent to the small town of Sleepy Hollow after a series of unexplained murders had certain members of the town's elites beheaded and the locals believing it's the doing of none other than the fabled headless Hessian, a risen undead haunting the woods on a horseback, searching for his lost head.

As Crane is determined to prove a human suspect, he will unfortunately discover soon enough that the legends are true and he has no choice but to apply what he knows to something he hardly believed in, hoping to find a way to stop the Horseman before it's too late.

With elements of a period film done away with slasher film-style murders and stalking, conspiracies concerning socialites, and a bit of the supernatural, Sleepy Hollow (1999) was made to cater a wider range of audiences, lured in through some recognizable casts; aside from Depp taking the role of Crane, the movie also features Christina Ricci as Katrina Van Tassel, a damsel with a liking for mysticism and, possibly, for Crane, and Christopher Walken as the Horseman when he was still alive, giving much intimidating presence in such very little screen time and barely any speech. The rest includes Miranda Richardson, Jeffrey Jones, Michael Gambon, and Christopher Lee, all of who have done a mighty fine job in each of their roles and gave a straight performance to keep the film's tone in place.

The movie is ever polished, with the set-pieces nearly accurate to the period they are supposed to be taking place, even if they are styled a bit accordingly to Burton's macabre sense of artistry. Tim's longtime musical collaborator and friend Danny Elfman even provided a haunting score to go along the town's ghostly image. Everything else from lighting to props, camera works and even its cinematography seem to fit quite well without being overly playful. In fact, the film's quite mature with its story and direction despite having fantastic elements along the plot, and with Crane being the unlikeliest of all heroes to come along and save this town, it did give the character some depth and development as everything of said fantastic elements seem to clash against his rational understanding.

The pitch originally had Sleepy Hollow (1999) as a purebreed slasher film in its full exploitative nature (with a kill in every five minutes) and while it may not look much like it, the movie definitely shows. Though tackling more mature matters such as the ever-going battle against science vs belief, and too a romanticism angle commonly found in nearly every period piece, Sleepy Hollow (1999) still serves as a homage to classical horror without being overly cliched, with a bit of something from modern horror flicks. Aside from beheadings, the film features some creative murders to keep true slasher/horror fanatics satisfied, plus a classic monster brought to life with most onscreen savagery, menace and one of the finest special effects of that decade. Whenever the Horseman arrives, there's bound to be a head rolling off a neck, may it be man, woman, or even a mere child, hailing to a climax wherein the hero battles out a seemingly indestructible monster, with its own twists and takes.

It's not a perfect movie in a sense that it's historically accurate in the strictest, nor will it be all believable, but it's a perfect watch for the Autumnal seasons and Holidays, or whenever you feel a need to see something more than a bunch of dumb, sex-hungry virgins being hacked to bits by a maniac in an animal mask. If you're also a bit dodgy with Burton's directorial efforts lately, or not a fan of him at all, let that not be a reason to skip this. Among all I've seen from his work, this is a keeper and a high class-acted, big-budget gem for all your slasher/horror goodness.

Bodycount:
1 male decapitated with a sword (mostly offscreen)
1 male decapitated with a sword
1 male decapitated with a sword (flashback)
1 male decapitated with a sword (flashback)
1 horse shot (flashback)
1 male had a sword ran through his gut (flashback)
1 male decapitated with a sword (flashback)
1 male had an arm lopped off with a sword, killed (flashback)
1 male decapitated with a sword (flashback)
1 male decapitated with a sword (flashback)
1 male decapitated with a sword (flashback)
1 female decapitated with a sword (mentioned)
1 male decapitated with a sword
1 male decapitated with a sword
1 male decapitated with an axe
1 female decapitated with an axe
1 boy decapitated (offscreen)
1 male sliced in half with a sword and axe
1 female found killed inside an iron maiden (flashback)
1 elderly male mentioned hanged
1 male bludgeoned with a crucifix
1 male shot
1 male gets a thrown wooden fence post through his chest, decapitated with a sword
1 female decapitated with an axe (flashback)
1 female decapitated with an axe (flashback)
1 female dragged into the netherworld, killed
Total: 26

A Family that Slays Together: Seed of Chucky (2004)

Seed of Chucky (2004)
rating: ***1/2
starring: Jennifer Tilly, Brad Dourif, John Waters

There will come a time for every slasher franchise where they all just let loose and just f*ck around. Jason had his by the time he came back from the grave as a demonic worm-like thingie that makes you melt, Freddy had his during the time he had decided to kill off a 90s stoner by turning him into a video game sprite, and even Leatherface when some director decided to turn him from a menacing cannibal to an annoying, wailing transvestite with a powertool, in an attempt to reboot the franchise for The Next Generation. What these three had in common is that they just decided to dump everything we came to know and love about the killer when they first came out (as in, you know, they're scary) and just traded in something so silly and out-of-place that they're completely out of character.

Some of them did learn and went back to terrifying roots, but others found moderate success that is workable enough to try again. The latter happened to Chucky the killer doll of the Child's Play fame by the time he came back as a gothic, stitched-up freak back in the later 90s, paired up with a new and equally homicidal children's toy named Tiffany. While it was a shock for the series' fans for its sudden shift of tone, Bride of Chucky still found an open audience who loved the duo's humorously dark exploits and whenever there's love for a film, there's bound to be some sequels.

Risking to spill some beans for those who hadn't seen Bride yet, Seed of Chucky took place some time later where the last film left off, featuring a new sentient doll named Glen (previously "Shitface") who was last seen crawling its way out of Tiffany's burnt body and attacking a curious officer. We don't know what happened after that but it appears that this baby doll grew up a pacifist, abused by a rather dirty looking English fellow who's taking stand-up ventriloquist comedy as a profession. As popular as he is with the crowd, the kid can't help but think of what his parents were before they "abandoned" him but as luck has it, he soon found out from the that Chucky and Tiffany's body are now used as props for a Hollywood horror flick.

Escaping captivity, Glen found his way to Hollywood and met his parents, accidentally bringing them to life by chanting the mystic words engraved in Chucky's amulet (as seen on Bride). Although confused at first, the two pint-sized killers accepted their kid with a problem: Seeing they're parents now, Tiffany wants to give up killing (cold turkey!) for a life of luxury and parenthood. Unfortunately, Chucky is far from giving up his hobby (since it relaxes him) and he plans on raising his kid to love it as well. Things went off with a rocky start but the two found their way to help out each other at some point, (so long they don't discover each other's bloody little secrets) plotting to ditch their plastic bodies once and for all, setting their eyes on one specific star: Jennifer Tilly! (and the rapper, Redman)

Bound for blood and a lot of gross-out humor, Seed of Chucky is the strangest entry to the series, parodying reality drama, family domestics and lampooning Hollywood as the breeding ground of spoiled stereotyped actors, paparazzi scumbags and road accidents involving Britney Spears. It's no longer scary (Nor tense. Nor creepy) something not a lot of horror/slasher fanatics out there are going to swallow without a fit and yet I find the film as something I can enjoy the moment I switch my mind off and just swim with the cheese.

Seed is technically a splatstick comedy where fresh, dismembered body parts and jet-spewing blood is the punch line in every joke. Incidentally, Seed showcased the series' most gruesome collection of deaths including a nasty acid burn and one mean family massacre, straying far from the subtle yet creepy deaths the first three of the series had. Apart from this, the film also tapped into being a comedy of drawn-out proportions as everything that's happening around the dolls are just plain nuts (and we slasher fans have a high tolerance for nuts!); for one, the subplot of Tilly trying to seduce rapper (turned director?!) Redman into getting the role of the Virgin Mary of his religious holiday epic is downright laughable, but with Tiffany's struggle to leave out killing for a better life through self-help guides and Glen trying to figure out if he's a boy or a girl, Seeds' sense of humor could have been a movie on its own.

The Murder's always mutual~

Still, horror hasn't fully escaped this film; the gruesome opening murders had staple enough slasher tropes including POV shot of the killer and an intense stalk-and-kill, and the fact that the killer doll duo is still out doing what they do best is still pretty upsetting for the weak of stomach. Honestly, so long as the film is gory, intriguing and entertaining, I can overlook any lost of dread in a horror franchise.

Sadly, not all fans are gonna agree with me with this, and I can understand; the jokes are hit-and-miss and will depend on the viewer's taste. Not all can be a fan of parodying home domestics and homosexual urges, nor will they be as accepting to see their favorite star killer devolve from a creepy, sentient murdering stalker doll, into a family man who's this ready to just give up being human to be the most notorious slasher in history! (cue lightning) For some, to see Chucky trying to be a "good" daddy to his gender-confused (or as he takes it, "multi-talented") kid would be to see him in his lowest (that, or him masturbating into a cup after reading Fangoria), but in the end, just as Bride of Chucky, it's all about seeing horror's biggest killer doll in his reign, offing people.

The film looks polished, slick and the animatronics are as superb as ever; I really do love the fact that the casts are poking fun at themselves, showing a bit of agreeable humor to how silly Hollywood life can be. Don Mancini has his directorial debut in this entry after years of writing for Child's Play movies which was fun to see what kind of skill he has backstage. (and also might explain Glen (or Glenda's) gender identity crisis sub-plot)

May you be a fan of the series, or slashers in general, Seed of Chucky is at least a worthy ride either for keeps or rents. For those who're disappointed to see Chuck going beyond stalking an innocent kid in a mean-spirited manner, just think of this as the franchise's way to broaden up their approach. I mean Chucky was chasing the same kid for three movies...

Bodycount:

1 male stabbed on the chest with kitchen knife, falls off a floor (dream)

1 female slips and hits her head on tile flooring (dream)

1 male decapitated with thin wire

1 female immolated in car crash

1 male had a bottle of acid broke over his head, face melted

1 male gutted with kitchen knife (while eating!)

1 female set ablaze with enflamed hairspray
1 male found hacked on the head with machete
1 male found smothered in plastic bagging
1 male found dead
1 male thrown knife to the chest
1 female bludgeoned to death with doll
total: 12

And no Shining tagline, Chucky? Man, you are losing it!

House of Flying Pickaxes: Simon Says (2006)

Simon Says (2006)
Rating: ***
Starring: Crispin Glover, Margo Harshman and Greg Cipes

Did you know that the man behind the cult favorite Bigfoot family flick Harry and The Hendersons (1987) once tried making a slasher? In 2006, William Dear stepped down from making well-meaning family comedies and dramas and took a taste of the dark, gooey side of the cinema as Bill Dear with Simon Says (2006) and the end result is strange, but overall an okay cheesefest!

The scene starts with a black and white family movie of twin toddlers playing on the lawn which escalates disturbingly when one of the toddler smashes a toy truck over the other. For some unexplained reason, this turned out to be a dream our lead girl's having, which makes no sense since the film would later and clearly points out that she doesn't know these terror tykes.

From there, we follow the usual trail; kids go camping, all of them stereotyped (the stoner, the mean girl, the slut, the white guy, and our marketed final girl), people warn them not to go and turn back (twice), teens stop for gas and food wherein they meet a creepy mentally-handicapped guy named Simon and his twin brother Stanley (If you believe these twins are the ones from the dream awhile ago, you earn yourself a cookie), so far so good!

As the kids go on their merry way, they soon enough reach their backwoods spot before one of them leaves and gets hunted down by a killer (dressed as a bush, no less), leading to the earliest unmasking ever. As you've guessed, it's one of the twins (or both) and they're killing people for...well, I don't know, but they seem to be enjoying the heck out of it so I'll just leave it at that.

Made as a throwback to 80s slasher, Simon Says (2006) is backwoods horror that is either a diamond in a rough or a turd in the dirt, possessing everything that makes a bodycounter film good and, too, those that makes it bad.

The story, for one, is at its most basic, bumping over every clichés known in these films before treating us with the bloody stuff. Thankfully, the wait's worth it as Simon Says (2006) is blessed with some fun kills, some done through CG but never devoid of old school latex and corn syrup as we get crazily impressive traps set around the woods dismembering legs, impaling people, and even shred unfortunates into bits in full practical effects. To top it all off, we even have a pickaxe hurling contraption resembling a cross between a medieval catapult and a cannon, a device that I find really impressive coming from a psycho who may have enough free time in his hands to design and invent all this.

Sadly, just as some bad 80s slasher out there, we're also filled in with some unexplained plot holes; aside from the fact we got a final girl who dreams of other people's memories for no reason, we also got a random horse riding girl who appears all ghost-like just for the sake of it. There's also that time-filler massacre involving paintballers that happens sometime around the middle of the film, a possible shout out to a similar scene to Jason's triumphant 1986 return from the grave in Friday the 13th: Jason Lives. It's all fun, but it serves no purpose other than to heighten the kill count. (Not that I'm complaining, of course.)

With little mystery on who's doing the killings and cheesy effects for both practical and CG murders, Simon Says (2006) was never a film to be taken seriously. While tastes will be tested and tolerance for cheese will be needed, the film's straightforward slasher feel has little much to offer but to entertain a boring night with an unlikely scenario, unlikely villain and, yes, unrealistic kills that's conjured up for the sake of your grim enjoyment. My only suggestion on how to fully enjoy this film? Switch off the noggin'. Your brain may feel confused while watching this title...

Bodycount:
1 male stabbed in gut with knife (flashback)
1 female stabbed to death with knife (flashback)
1 male gets a projected pickaxe to the chest
1 female gets a projected pickaxe to the back, dismembered with butcher knife
1 male had his legs shredded through a pickaxe-lined disk
2 males shredded to bit through pickaxe-lined pillar
1 dog stomped
1 male pinned to a tree by a thrown pickaxe
1 female knifed on the back, thrown and impaled on a pickaxe
1 female hanged and swinged to an incoming car, hit
1 male impaled on a pickaxe
1 female hanged
1 male burnt to death
Total: 14

A Pair of Eggheads: Blood Link (1982)

Blood Link (1982) (AKA "The Link")
rating: ***
starring:  Michael Moriarty, Penelope Milford and Geraldine Fitzgerald

It's always believed that twins have this sort of connection between them. Clairvoyance, as some people might call it, where in one can feel or even see the things their sibling are experiencing.

This is what Blood Link dwells in most of its time, a rare slasher, exploitative in execution, about two identical Siamese Twins (both played by Michael Moriarty) separated at birth and lived lives totally in contrast from the other. One, growing up as Craig Manning, is a respected and well-loved doctor in the USA while his twin brother Keith, who supposedly died in a house fire in Cleveland at the age of 17, grew up a ruthless serial murderer in far off Germany who has an MO of stabbing his dates to death after sleeping with them. When Craig began to see visions of his brother's murder spree, he decided to track him down before he can continue to murder.

All the while, Keith's being mistaken by the people whom his twin brother had treated or known, as Craig. In order to make sure none of them would recognize his true identity, he began to kill these people, much to the attention of his brother who decides to go all the way to Hamburg and help the police there capture his psychotic sibling, under the lead of one inspector Hessinger. Will Craig get his name cleared and stop his brother? Or will Keith be free to murder in another day?

Blood Link plays its game as a thriller with slasher film elements; mainly sleaze and a sizable bodycount, since the majority of its playtime involves its plot rather than the actual stalkings. Sadly, the movie's plot never really did had that much going for it, since originality is really out of the question (didn't we already had a movies involving psychic visions and murders? Et Al "Eyes of Laura Mars" or even the obscure Fulci giallo The Psychic (1977)?), and it plays itself so straight-faced that it kinda come off as dull, cliched, not mention full of plot holes and coincidences. The kills are not very gory, but it kinda fits the tone of the movie, so I guess I can let that pass.

The movie's still engaging despite it's unoriginality, however; I do compliment Michael Moriarty's dual role as both the good and the bad twin, albeit his good character has no chemistry whatsoever between the two leading ladies that sandwiching him, much to the film's sleazy nature which could also be a good thing for some, but I can never be that shallow. To top it, they even decided to do a sleazier climax, but gutsy, I admit, involving one of the leading ladies distracting the evil twin by letting him rape her, for the cops to track him down through his brother's clairvoyance! That, and Ennio Morricone doing the movie's haunting and classy score.

In the end, we get a head-scratcher shock scare (Ala Carrie (1978)), and an ambiguity to whether all things are good or not. It's forgettable, but worth some time while you're at it.

Bodycount:
1 female stabbed on the back with switchblade
1 female stabbed to death with switchblade
1 male suffers a heart seizure
1 female stabbed to death with switchblade
1 female stabbed on the back with switchblade
1 male stabbed on the chest with switchblade
1 male stabbed on the chest with knife
1 male and 1 female crushed by a car (flashback)
total: 9

Sugar Plum Unicorns: The Cabin In The Woods (2012)

The Cabin in the Woods (2012)
Rating: ****1/2
Starring: Kristen Connolly, Chris Hemsworth and Anna Hutchison

((WARNING! THERE MAY BE SPOILERS. Or not. I dunno, I tend to ramble a lot without knowing it... BE WARNED!!!!))

Though not a slasher as a whole, with a gore count as high as Kingdom Come? What's not to love?

I would say Evil Dead, if they chose angry molesting trees instead... 

Five teenagers rent a cabin in the woods somewhere for some R and R; with a little swimming here, dope there, plus a hottie making out with stuffed wolf's head, the kids then find a cellar door leading to a secret collection of mysterious and unsettling artifacts. One of them was the diary of the Buckner clan, a sadomasochistic zealous family who somewhat cursed the land the cabin's built on and, by chanting the Latin incantation written in the book, bound to come back to slaughter anyone in favor of their beliefs.

The Evil Dead (1981) much? Yes, yes it is. And surely enough, incantations are recited and the Buckners return from the grave to massacre the teens.

But something else is cooking; behind these wooden walls, an entire organization is working to keep this "horror film" as cliched as possible. They make sure the kids split up when shit hits the fan, or have sex in the open woods, but "why?" is the big question here, and for "who?" Little to these teenager's knowing, the Buckner clan or these people are nothing compared to what's gonna go down by sunrise...

One of the many friends you will meet in the cabin!

Generally funny, and pretty intense, The Cabin in the Woods (2012) defines horror in a comically aware matter; every clichés known from the genre, from stereotyped victims to gore and scares, Cabin pushes every button and reconstruct it to satire the very genre its playing with a wink. What adds to my joy is that this movie choses to satire slasher films in its majority, perhaps the most cliched and rule-obedient sub-genre ever be created next to J-Horror. (said Asian genre hilariously took a bigger stab in the gut in this flick, by the way) 

One fine example to this claim is the targeted teens; they didn't start out like the stereotypes that get killed off in these movies, but instead they're forced to become these tropes through any means of subliminal messaging and pheromones. It's kinda hard to explain why without revealing the twist, but to set things straight, I would say that the matters are far from simple than just people making a horror show in reality, but with all these dangers, you can't help but root for these teens, especially the last two "survivors" with their retractable bong swinging way!

Office work was less tenser compared to handling monsters...

Now, I myself is a fan of movies that feature more than one colorful villain, like Neon Maniacs (1986) or The Hills Have Eyes (2006). Cabin took the liberty to answer this call and joke around into filling the flick with as many absurd and imaginative creatures to be featured in a single helping. The Buckners, AKA Zombie Redneck Torture Family, serve as the film's first choice baddies and, giddy me, just shows how much Americans love their slashers as this clan hacks and slash their way through the teens in full gory glory. While these murderers hunt these kids around in the first half, the next half answers every trope known in the horror business, featuring an army of nightmarish creatures known to man and cinema, and I'll assure you this, it's not gonna be clean.

The finale, depending if you're the kind of guy who looks into the spoilers or was lucky enough to see this flick in advance as I did (Curse you, Philippine distributions!), would either be something you expected or didn't. All in all, it'll depend on how well you take and understand horror. Me, personally? It's pitch perfect!

With Cabin being well received by general audiences, and more by horror fans who warmly accepted the fact that this flick never bothered to be scary at all since it is deliciously entertaining, I can easily say that this number did its job as intended! A clever flick that some are addressing as The horror flick of the decade (some claim it the best of all time, but let's not get over our heads now...), Cabin in The Woods (2012) is a definite one-of-a-kind movie that is a must see for all! No exceptions. You miss it, I'll sic a Unicorn at you! 

Bodycount:
((WARNING! MAY CONTAIN INFORMATION THAT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE))
1 female decapitated with a logging saw
1 giant ape seen dead
1 male slams unto an electric force field, disintegrated.
1 male gets a garden trowel through the neck and chest
1 male had his head bashed against the wall, presumably killed
1 male gored by an angry molesting tree and killed. Blood gush seen
1 male had his soul torn off from his body by a levitating witch
1 male dragged away and killed by a dragonbat
1 male clawed by a werewolf
1 male mauled by a werewolf
2 males dismembered by a buzzsaw killbot
1 male crushed to death by a giant cobra
1 male swallowed whole by a giant cobra
1 male devoured by zombies
1 male torn in half and dwarf tossed by dismembering goblins
1 male killed, blood splash seen
1 male attacked by an alien creature
1 male thrown to and swallowed whole by a giant cobra
5 victims seen killed
1 male glimpsed hanging upside down, to be killed by hell lords
1 male slashed by a buzzsaw killbot (mostly offscreen)
1 male seen to be vivisected with a scalpel
1 male glimpsed attacked by reaver
1 female shot to the head
4 males and 1 female seen bound and doused with gasoline, burned
1 male glimpsed getting vomited on with toxic waste by mutants
1 female glimpsed attacked by a humanoid reptile
1 male glimpsed attacked by a walking torso
1 male glimpsed caught and dragged away by a possessed tree, killed
1 male and 1 female glimpsed eaten by zombies
1 male glimpsed on fire
1 male glimpsed being asphyxiated with a plastic sheet
5 victims seen killed by a sugarplum fairy
1 male seen killed
1 victim seen killed, body part raised by a pair of goblins
A number of individuals seen being attacked by monsters
1 mutant shot on the head
1 male devoured by dragonbat
1 male seen being stalked by a psychic
1 male had his neck mauled by werewolf
1 male gets a knife to the gut
1 male glimpse dead
1 female stabbed with knife
1 male gored by unicorn (WIN!)
1 male knifed to death by scarecrows, decimated by grenade
4 scarecrow folks decimated by grenade
1 male mauled by a merman
1 female eaten by a kraken
1 male gets a garden trowel to the gut
1 female gets a hatchet to the head
1 male and 1 female crushed by falling debris
total: 68+

Images (C) Google 

The Twinning Towers of Cheesa!: Blood Rage (1983)

Blood Rage (1983) (AKA "Nightmare At Shadow Woods")

Rating: ***1/2
Starring: Louise Lasser, Mark Soper and Marianne Kanter

Some time ago in 1974, young blonde twins Todd and Terry sneaks out from their mother's car at a drive-in and wandered around to look for some teens making out just for the kick of it. When they found a couple, Terry suddenly got in touch with his inner psycho as he then starts hacking the teen boy's face with a conveniently found hatchet while his lover ran away for dear life, streakin' nude. Todd is traumatized frozen upon seeing the act and Terry quickly smothered his brother with blood, pinning the blame on him.

Moving ahead to the present, a more grown-up Terry is the apple of his mum's eye, surrounded by friends and living a healthy life; all the while, Todd, still traumatized by the incident, is locked away in an mental asylum where he is still believed to be a demented killer. But this year, at Thanksgiving, Todd finally snaps out of it and makes his escape, trying his best to alarm his loved ones of the real danger Terry is capable of and, apparently, he's willing to do anything to show how evil his brother is. (Perhaps, even murdering?!) 

All the while, Terry isn't coping well with the news that his dear ole' mum is getting hitched again, so ever the secretive psycho that he is, the man starts carving down the dinner guests one by one with a sharp machete. Could both boys have finally lost it? If so, what will become of everybody that Thanksgiving night?

If you look at it at an angle, Blood Rage (1983) could have been an unwatchable mess with its over the top dialogue, lazy scripting and horrible editing, but to see a lady hacked in half with a machete flailing around in an obviously acted scream, or for the movie to toss in a random little girl looking for her dog in the woods just to have her easily warned off by a strange sweaty man who may or may not be killing people, this film may have a lot more going for it entertainment-wise!

There's no doubt that this movie is feisty when it comes to its cheddar and fondue, but what makes it an interesting watch is that it follows a genuinely intriguing plot that often finds the time to take itself seriously, slinging along the way some gory looking kills (looking past the hammy effects, of course!) and a few decently tantalizing T&A scenes. This is also perhaps one of the few slashers to tackle on the evil twin plot with much glee and fun, concluding with a rather unexpectedly downbeat ending that's impressively in contrast to the Blood Rage (1983)'s mostly hammy execution; the fact that Todd and Terry's mum shows more love to Terry than her other son harbors a morality tale of favoritism, one that goes to a downward spiral that ultimately leads to a really grim end.

Greatly underrated, Blood Rage (1983) may look like another low-budget fare with hot cheese in its tone, but thanks to some eerily downbeat plot elements, gory demises in its slaughtering sprees and enough overacting for a good deal of unintentional laughs, the film succeeds to be watchable enough as a late night popcorn viewing and you could say I say I fell in love with this movie right on! If you're anything of a completist like me, it's a definite keeper! What say you?

Bodycount:
1 male repeatedly hacked in the face with a hatchet
1 male had a hand lopped off with machete, head split in half
1 male gutted with machete
1 female hacked in half with machete
1 male decapitated offscreen, head found dangling in a noose
1 female killed offcamera, later found with a machete stabbed into her chest
1 male gets a machete hacked into his neck
1 female hacked to death with machete offscreen
1 male gets a grill fork to the neck
1 male shot to death
1 female shot on the head
Total: 11

Raising a Tribute: Raising Cain (1992)

Raising Cain (1992)
Rating:***1/2
starring: John Lithgow, Lolita Davidovich and Steven Bauer

Sometimes, I came up with the assumption that most of Brian De Palma's thrillers were might as well be slashers with its razor happy killers, modest bodycounts, and pure tributes to giallo films. Raising Cain, though nowhere close to what I consider as a Palma masterpiece, somewhat ended up an underrated example of a slick thriller, all because of this movie's similarity to a reconstructed Psycho (1960).

Nope, nothing wrong here...

Dr. Carter Nix is a child psychologist who suffers from multiple identity disorder, a revelation made too obvious in the beginning but nonetheless continues to stroll in as our lead knocks a woman unconscious with chloroform, drowns her in a lake and gave her child to his father for some experiments. All the while, his wife Jenny Nix is also facing her own dilemma when she is starting to find her relationship with Carter growing stale and begins and affair with an old flame, Jack Dante.

Soon enough though, Carter becomes aware of his wife's little game of hookie, traps her inside her own car while it sinks into a river and attempts frame Jack for the murder. But as a sudden twist, Jenny survives her drowning and finds her daughter missing. Assuming Carter committed the crimes, Jenny races with time to find her missing daughter as well as the other children Carter took.

Giallo-inspired black gloves. Essential for all Demented killers

While Raising Cain starts off slow, the film eventually progresses into pure darker giallo elements such as paranoia, voyeur and obssession as Carter's identities begins to take uncontrollably, making us wonder who is control and who is not, as well as whether Carter can be trusted or is he a menace all in all.

Unfortunately, this is only how complicated things get and it is comparably tamer than what most De Palma made in the 80s, playing it low on sex and shocking gore and instead placing more emphasis on the thrills and the characters. While John Lithgow playing three characters and five personalities can be considered a highlight, some may find it a little underdone or overdone, but thankfully we have a contrasting grace that is Lolita Davidovich, as Jenny, a character that shares the same marital conflict with another Brain De Palma character, Kate Miller of Dressed to Kill, only this time our Jenny survives and had a drastic change from troubled and sexually-starved wife to a hardened bare-boned mother searching for her child.

Excuse me? Hello? Stop Ignoring me!

Because of the film's focus on (one/two-dimensional) characters, it ended up feeling rather underwhelming and peppered with a lot pf plot holes, as if more could have been more done so it would have the same impact as most of De Palma's other films. But, looking pass these flaws, I still find a good film to watch, something I can safely share with my folks to have a good time and actually feel good about it (even with its, somewhat, ambiguous ending) . If I could find words to describe this film simply, it'll be "A Thriller with a funny bone", cuz it is.

Which one is she talking to now?

While Raising Cain exorcised blood and exploitation, it instead makes up for the losses with eye candy cinematography, silly moments, some shocks and a few laughable macabre. Frances Sternhagen as Dr. Lynn Waldheim is one of the more bizarre psychiatrists I've ever seen (next to Halloween's Dr. Loomis), freaking out more about her wig, spending four minutes talking in perhaps the most slowest elevator ever, walking around with two investigators while getting a wrong turn or two.She's a funny minor character that parodies the psychiatrist from Psycho, who explains Norman's condition.

And speaking of Psycho, I do also noticed a few nod to Hitchcock. While the split-personality is a dead giveaway to the tribute, the title sequence itself used straight lines to cut away the title, the same kind of "symbolism" used in the opening of that film. And then there's the fact that Carter/Cain dumps the cars with their owners still inside it to a river, the same MO bates did to his victims.

While obviously not the best of his works, Brain De Palma still managed to wrangle a little devil out of this one. Raising Cain is a tame, (slightly) funny, but still an effective thriller when set on the right mood. Definitely not for the serious minded and lawyers.

bodycount:
1 female drowned in a river inside her car
1 female succumbs to cancer (flashback)
1 female accidentally impaled on the chest by a concrete statue (dream)
1 female knifed on the chest
1 male killed (method not seen)
total: 5

Go home now, Margo will take care of the rest...

Wicker Insane: Basket Case (1982)

Basket Case (1982)
Rating: ***1/2
starring: Kevin Van Hentenryck, Terri Susan Smith and Beverly Bonner

I love Frank Henenlotter's movies and I love how most of his topics involve bodily disfigurement and "weird biology". While it's not entirely new to the slasher genre to have disfigured killers, not with the likes of Friday The 13th's Jason Voorhees for starters, the Wrong Turn and Hill Have Eyes (remake) mutants, or even the obscure Gunther from The Funhouse (1981), it's not everyday that we see half a mongoloid going around on a rampage.


Duane Bradley, who looks normal and sweet, if not a little too quiet, is on a mission. A revenge mission with his brother Belial, a removed conjoined twin who's savage and loud, largely resembling a hardened piece of oatmeal with a fanged face and some claws, kept inside a large wicker basket. The two have a telepathic relationship with each other and their goal is to murder all the surgeons responsible for separating them apart from when they were young.


At first, it's all going to plan as one doctor to the next die a loud, clawing death. Until, that is, Duane begins dating a nurse named Sharon in between the murders, much to Belial's jealousy. Feeling a bit abandoned, he takes out his anger on those who are dumb enough to open his basket, but with each unplanned killing Belial makes, Duane gets all the stress of cleaning it up, bringing the poor brother to a boiling point wherein he plans to leave Belial if things got too far. Unfortunately, the mongoloid torso isn't getting any of that and he's determined to keep Duane from abandoning him, even if it means killing him...

Basket Case (1982) is Henenlotter's first film, capturing a honest vision of New York's dark underbelly as a dirty, sleepy underside where anything can happen and the grittiest are can be found right around every corner. The movie is all about blood and sleaze within the vicinity of the concrete jungle, as most of the brother's attacks occur in apartments, cinemas and hospitals (in broad daylight even!), capturing the claustrophobic horror that happens everyday.


This grindhouse approach draws its strength focusing on the two brothers, an odd dynamic that's as unsettling as it is nightmarish: Belial's a disturbing creature not just from the special effects used to depict him having their creepy moments (cheap stop-motion never looked so...bizarre), but it's also because he's unbelievably unstoppable despite his relatively small size. He can vertically stick to walls, move on his own accord despite not having any legs and, worst, he can actually tear people apart! On the other hand, Duane (Kevin Van Hentenryck), is a gentler character compared to his brother, despite being as disturbed. He's Belial's only connection to the world, the one who sees the disfigured twin as human despite looking like...that. But, in the end, Duane's also the one who suffers the most as his longing to fit in with the rest of the world starts to get to him, making him desperate to escape "babysitting" Belial which, unsurprisingly, his brother doesn't like.

As a slasher, the movies does itself proud with its killings, all gored out with dozens of blood splatters every time Belial attacks a victim. He mauls them to death, rips them apart, tears out pieces, force them into objects (!), and even constructs a death machine that split one victim in half. Yes, this film delivers the violence, and even with it's silliness, it's a fine one at that.

A cult classic in the slasher-monster hybrid, Basket Case (1982) is a gooey and sleazy big city slasher with one of the more original villains to be showcased in exploitation history. Just goes to show that a rampaging torso can do as much stalking and killing as any able-bodied maniacs can! It's a fun, weird (and at times, funny) film that leans real close to being grand if it wasn't for the cheesy special effects being distracting at times. Fans of the weird horror, though, would find a heart to love this film, and so do true horror fans.


Hi, I'm Duane, and I dream of myself streaking the streets of New York...

Bodycount:
1 male mauled to death
1 male mauled in half
1 male had his face clawed repeatedly
1 female dies from childbirth (mentioned in flashback)
1 male sliced in half by a saw blade contraption (flashback)
1 elderly female passes away (flashback)
1 female forced face first into scalpels
1 female had her neck crushed
Total: 8

AAAAAAAAHHHH!!AAAAHH! AAH! GRAAARR!!! AAARRHH!!!
(Translated: All I wanted was to eat some brains...)