Tough Love and Tough Breaks: Masked Mutilator (2019)

Masked Mutilator (2019)

Rating: **1/2

Starring: Christine Appino, Brick Bronsky and Chet Cole

Originally a lost and unfinished 90s slasher, unearthed and reworked with a wraparound shot and taking place in the present year of 2019, Masked Mutilator is as cheap as a multi-generational B-Grade horror flick can get, but it isn't without its good points. Reeking cheesy good points, but good points nonetheless.

The scene starts with a present day podcaster interviewing people who went through group home tragedies and he invited a few who happen to be survivors of a rather unusual yet devastating incident back at 1994 dubbed as the Home of Horror. Here we cut to the 90s where Vic Mangino (Jeff Sibbach), a rather infamous professional wrestler who went under the name Masked Mutilator until he accidentally killed an opponent in the ring, is working as a house parent at a group home, handling the rather troublesome youths with his brand of tough love and be the kind of imposing authority figure needed to discipline them to the right track.

Problems arise when the state starts to waver its support for the home despite handing Vic more kids to look after, which meant the home is steadily losing funds to support everyone staying there. No soon after, a masked man starts to show up and brutally beat the teens dead one by one. Perhaps it's Vic? Finally losing it after struggling with his own personal demons? Or maybe it's one of the kids? Tired of living under a strict household and getting their butts handed to them on a regular basis? 

In all honesty, there's nothing that groundbreaking about Masked Mutilator as a story and much of the movie's interest is from the fact that this was a forgotten film brought to life for the modern audience in a Frankenstein monster-esque fashion. Because of the way it's shot, edited and re-written, what we have here a rather short film that skips from one point to another, breezing over character development and plot details for a hammed up direction tainted in really janky acting. It can be laughable for the unintentional hilarity despite the plot dropping deep matters like the state of foster systems and its effects on troubled wards, so you could say that it is darn entertaining even if it's stumbling and missing a lot of opportunities to better itself.

Wrestling-themed slashers are a very very few bunch and observing familiar titles that fall into this category such as the equally fun Wrestle Massacre (2018) and Wrestlemaniac (2006), the running theme of this slasher breed is that they focus more on "tooth-and-nail" murders, as in they limit the use of murder weapons as much as possible and prefer to fill the kill count with more physically-inclined slayings. At that, the kills here involve a lot of beatings and smack-downs and Masked Mutilator makes it work by bloodying it all up and throwing in a few wrestling moves into the slaughter. The climax itself even packs a brawl-out that sits comfortably within vintage WWE programs, with Sibbach clobbering up a slasher who, in turn, is also ready to deliver a pile-driver or two against whoever stands against them or is in the way. Eagle-eyed wrestling fans could also spot some familiar faces from the industry such as Brick Bronsky as a buffed-up kid who likes to work out (and is also this film's director), and Doug Yasinsky as the cook of the house who suspiciously disappears around the last act.

To simply put it, if you're not looking for an overly gory, extravagant bodycounter and is simply in the mood for something silly, fairly bloody and moderately fun, then Masked Mutilator is waiting for you in the ring. Come on by and give it a round!  

Bodycount:

1 male had his neck snapped

1 male repeatedly beaten, neck snapped

1 male had his face beaten against a support beam

1 female strangled to death

1 male bearhugged to death

1 female kicked on the head (flashback)

1 male had his neck snapped

1 male strangled with a chokehold

1 male killed, method unknown

Total: 9

The Cuban Spine Crusher: Wrestle Massacre (2018)

Wrestle Massacre (2018)

Rating: **1/2

Starring: Richie Acevedo, Tony Atlas, Julio Bana Fernandez

(Special thanks to Jeff for sharing this wonderful trash, intentionally or not! Haha!)

Back in 2006, low budget Rey Mysterio-starring slasher Wrestlemaniac proved to us the stalk n' kill potential of wrestlers. It was fun, silly and cheesy, and I'm gonna piledriver us back to the bloody ring with yet another wrestling themed bodycounter. Cheesier and lower budgeted, yet fun in the best Z-grade way! 

Awkward groundskeeper Randy (pro wrestler Richie Acevedo) just wanted to make a name for himself as a wrestler, but life has other plans for him; not only do most of his coworkers and family get out of their way to belittle him, but he's also constantly put down and alienated by his clients save for one Becky, who showed him at least a shred of kindness. 

After finding out there's a wrestling camp nearby looking for enrollees, Randy tries out but ends up getting humiliated in a test match gone embarrassingly wrong. Making matters worse, he learns the next day that he's being let go due to him skipping work to attend the try-outs, as well as other incidents including peeping on a bathing chesty home owner. Snapped, Randy vows bloody vengeance the only way he knows how: donning nothing but boots, wrestling underwear tights and a mean attitude that somehow grants him the wrestling prowess he lacked before.

Now, there's no covering the fact that Wrestle Massacre is a low budget production judging from its undoubtedly do-it-yourself quality, but its made with a lively and hammy personality in its direction and plotting that you can't help but feel entertained on how much this movie tries, from the uneven the acting to how cartoonish the killings can get for the sake of blood and guts. 

Story-wise, the horror bits is your standard "gone postal" type, with the main antagonist going axe crazy after life pushed him too far and the film really took its sweet time getting to the juicy bits, bulking up this story is a side plot involving Becky and her partner Erwin's little loan problem for the possible purpose of developing a final girl and proposing additional bodies for the eventual kill count. This is all, again, done with feisty cheese that doesn't promise anything else but guaranteed unintentional laughs, but it does hurt the pacing since it lagged the entire movie from what could have been a serviceable seventy minute story to a hundred minute slay-a-thon with a talky first half.

Thankfully, one Randy puts on the stretchy wrestling briefs and masters the art of wise-cracking, Wrestle Massacre doesn't hold out on the messy kills. Granted, it's not the most realistic looking visceral pile and, yes, some murders can get outrageous (ones involving a spine and a scalping via eating utensil got me laughing), but its in it to be fun and I happen to be the kind of guy who can appreciate that, especially if a chunk of it is done ala rock and roll montage and with a small side of sleaze! And to cater to the wrestling theme, a high percent of the kill here are wrestling moves so there's a good share of brawls before the murder blows. 

Then, for that sweet wrestling fan service, there's also the abundance of cameos from other wrestling stars like the late Manny Fernandez, The Sandman and, funnier even, Jimmy Valiant as some sort of satire of himself and his Boogie Wrestling Camp in real life!

Ending with an out-of-nowhere supernatural twist that frankly reeks of sequel baiting, Wrestle Massacre is a fair budget horror and nothing much else. It's too little of a production to make a mark, but it's entertaining enough to worth at least a single night rental. Try it out if you're curious and get ready to rumble with the Cuban Assassin!

Bodycount:

1 male had his throat ripped

1 female had her face peeled off, beaten against a tree

1 elderly male strangled 

1 male had his back crushed against killer's knee

1 elderly male had his neck snapped

1 male killed offcamera

1 male had fingers and an ear torn off, killed

1 male bludgeoned to death with barbells

1 male tossed to a live fusebox, electrocuted

1 male killed via headlock move

1 male had his face shredded with a weed-whacker

1 female had her tongue torn out, killed

1 male disemboweled

1 female had her head stomped flat

1 male scalped with an eating utensil, killed

1 male strangled with his own guts 

1 male had his eyes thumbed

1 male had his head torn off

1 male beaten to death with his own severed leg

1 male stabbed on the throat with a garden shear

1 female had her face flattened with a folding chair

1 male had his spine ripped out 

1 male stabbed on the gut with a stake, head crushed in half with a rock

1 female had her head torn apart by the jaw, shot

1 male shot on the head

Total: 25

A Californian Survival Trip: Darkslide (2018)

Darkslide (Portugal/USA, 2018) (AKA Road to Red)
Rating: **
Starring: Sean Gray, Chris Blasman, Renee Dorian

After finding out that his kid brother Paul was planning on ditching his position as a world champion skateboarder so he could live a freer life, Bruce loses his cool and confronts his bro, chastising him for his brash decisions and how he's wasting his talents as a sportsman by giving up. Paul retaliates by driving off in the middle of the night, never to be heard of until three weeks later when his empty car's found parked at a remote alpine lake, along with a surfboard floating on the freezing water, but no trace of his body.

Bruce, feeling guilty that he caused his brother's disappearance, decides to make things right by joining four of his friends on an epic road trip one day to film Paul's planned movie, all the while enjoying everything California can offer from strong waves for surfing on, to flat dunes for grinding a gnarly board. All is well until the gang opted to stop by Paul's last spot as a way of pay respect, not knowing they'll discover what really happened to Bruce's brother and that they'll soon have to suffer the same fate.

Lengthily running for two hours, Darkslide (2018) is practically two one-hour movies in between a transition, with the first being a sports-themed road drama hammily narrated by the movie's main protagonist as he shares philosophy regarding the "Californian dream" and his thoughts concerning Paul's disappearances. It's absent of horror unless you count the cheesy dialogue as nightmarish for the hilariously wrong reasons, which might as well be the only worthwhile jig in this half since it does get funnier on a shallow B-grade bad movie way the more it tries to be dramatic. (Not to say it doesn't work at some moments, but the tongue-in-cheek approach weighs in more to consider the direction as "balanced") There's also some sweet camera work and skate and surf stunts to be seen for those who are into those, all until the movie does a 180 on the tone and shifts everything into survival horror mode.

Now, this next half loses some points for originality as its basically a cheaper, not-so-ballsy-gory clone of The Descent (2005), with four out of five of the characters surviving a nasty fall and finding themselves trapped inside a cave maze with something lurking around with plans on either killing them or procreating with them. A good chunk of this is spent on the usual bickering, planning and claustrophobic amateur spelunking, and the horror elements isn't going to kick in until the last twenty minutes. Needless to say, Darkslide (2018) is a challenge to sit through if you're not patient enough, or if you have a low tolerance for B-grade cheesy plotting as the last act's hardly that exciting, especially with the reveal as to what's hunting them in the cave.

Still, I can tell there's an idea of a working story or at least a fun one somewhere amidst all of that chunky cheddar and borrowed horror pieces so I will give the film some slack for their efforts. Sadly, there isn't enough of a rewarding payoff after all of that, so I still find Darkslide (2018) hard to recommend to anyone unless they're as curious as a cat veering dangerously close to an electrified fence; if you think you can handle it, then by all means jump over and try this movie out. If not, then you're gonna have a really long time tolerating this movie. A really long.

Bodycount:
1 male found with a mauled face
1 male found dead, body hoisted on cave wall and left to rot
1 female had her face bashed in with a skateboard
1 male bitten on the neck, chest pried open
1 male had his gut pried open, bled to death
Total: 5

Killer Workouts: Aerobicide (1987) & Death Spa (1989) Double Bill Review

What's better than one cheesy horror film about hot bods in leotards and stab wounds? What about two? Welcome to StickyRed's KILLER WORKOUTS Double Bill review!

Aerobicide (1987) (AKA "Killer Workout")

Rating: ***

Starring: Marcia Karr, David James Campbell, Fritz Matthews

Dig this for an opening act: a model hops into a sunbed at a local gym only to get fried alive as it malfunctions for God knows what reason. The irony? She's supposed to appear on a cover for an issue of Cosmopolitan magazine.

Next thing we see is the same gym, years later, showcasing all the busy bodies in tight leotards and leg warmers doing dance routines and exercises for our viewing pleasure. (As one would expect in a movie called Aerobicide!) Some montage and sultry poses later, one of the regulars of this fine establishment gets murdered with a king-sized safety pin whilst showering. How a pin can be used to stab someone to death or is strong enough to put holes into heads fatal enough to kill them is beyond my knowledge, but manageress Rhonda isn't gonna have any more of her clients dropping like flies!

In comes Lt. Morgan, a hired detective who goes into interrogating the staff and one guy named Chuck, who claims to be the gym's co-owner. Then there's the weird jealous ex-boyfriend Jimmy who's been stalking the joint for some time now. The more suspects show up, the more the kill count goes higher, with some of these can-be-killers dying along. So who is this gloved maniac? Why are they doing all this? Are they the same one responsible for the tanning bed incident years ago? And where on Earth did they get a king-sized safety pin that works so well as a murder weapon?

The film may sound like a lot of loops and twists, but Aerobicide (1987) is actually pretty cheesy for a supposed murder mystery, hence me having a hard time trying to swallow any of this as serious banter. For one, why not just close down the gym for a while instead of risking the lives of your patrons, staffs and bypassers? And all this in a few weeks? Phenomenal! Then there's some issues with the film's technical aspects; lighting on some night/dark scenes makes it hard for me to make out who dies, effects used in these murders are pretty cheap albeit bloody, and then there's the uninteresting dialogues we have to put up with, more mind-numbing as they are inaudible in some scenes.

Still, for bigger fans of hammy horror movies, this might be a fair enough 80s time capsule for its worth; there's a level of badness to it that's almost comical and could even push some viewers to forgive its flaws for entertaining them and keeping everything on a flow. T&A and leg-spreading routine montages are also another reason for some to enjoy this, cheesy as they are played along to some rocking 80s soundtrack (a rarity of its own due to limited release) and have the girls wear the most provocative looking tights I've seen. Scares and gore is low on the counter, but even if so, this makes the movie far from being the worst dance-slash hybriding the 80s can come up with. (Have you seen Slash Dance (1989)? Take my word for this, stick with Aerobicide (1987)...)

In the near end, it tries to play straight with some nice twist and some last swings on piling up some more dead bods, but is Aerobicide (1987) good enough to count on as a deserving purchase? Well, depends on you, but it's good enough for me as a single night's renting or two.

Bodycount:

1 female stabbed to death with a safety pin
1 female stabbed to death with a safety pin
1 male stabbed to death with a safety pin
1 female had her throat cut with a hunting knife
1 female stabbed on the head with a kitchen knife
1 male bashed on the face with a barbell
1 male stabbed on the head with a safety pin
1 female had her throat cut with a kitchen knife (dream)
1 male hacked with a safety pin
1 female found hanged
1 female found stabbed on the eye
1 male ran over with a car, stabbed with an ice pick
1 male shot to death
1 male bludgeoned with a shovel
Total: 14

Creative!

Death Spa (1989) (AKA "Witch Bitch")
Rating: ***
Starring: William Bumiller, Brenda Bakke, Merritt Butrick

Itching for a silly supernatural slasher? Hot bods being tortured with hot-water spewing showers? Ghostly visions and killer gym equipment? Then step right up to this crazy, yet gleefully gory late 80s horror!

Welcome to Starbody Health Spa, the coolest and sexiest health spa to exist, featuring all the goodies from synchronized dance classes and automated facilities to yummy health bars and an annual Mardi Gras party! But the spas' reputation is about to get tainted after strange incidents begin harming its patrons, including a chlorine leak that blinds a girl, jumping boards on swimming pools breaking off by themselves and one guy being crushed to death by a gym equipment.

The owner of this joint, Michael, sets his suspicions on various possible causes, including an issue with the spa's computer system which might be a sabotage attempt by his brother-in-law who works for him as a programmer and apparently blames him for his sister's apparent suicide. That being said, Michael has been getting ghostly nightmares of his wife reaching to him from beyond the grave. Could it be his wife seeking revenge from the afterlife? Is she the unseen force that's been mangling people and throwing them in the air?

Well, it seems to look that way.

While it does try to play around with what might be causing all these accidents as some form of gory mystery, the culprit is pretty obvious considering how these incidents are impossible to be done by some guy working behind a computer monitor. Thus, no matter how much it plays itself straight, Death Spa (1989) is just too silly to be taken seriously with its over-the-top situation, utterly hammy scripting, and a momentous amount of sexy fillers ranging from full frontal showers to chicks running around in their underwear. (Then there's that foreplay involving a blind lady eating a rather phallic asparagus. Don't know if that counts, though...) It takes a while before people actually starts to die off but once it does, the cheesiness of the film goes off the scale as everything from acid showers to possessed frozen fish start taking the lives of our hapless health enthusiasts. It's simply surreal with the splatter, chaotic even once the Mardi Gras party starts and ends with a fiery finale.

At that point, on a proper mindset, Death Spa (1989) can be enjoyed as a fun and visceral late-80s cheapo that you can rent overnight for a freaky run. Regarded this is a sad attempt to do a supernatural slasher, I'm pretty dang sure you can do worse than this.

Bodycount:
1 paraplegic female sets herself on fire (flashback)
1 male torn in half
1 female ran through the neck with a javelin
1 female showered with acid
1 male beaten to death
1 male had his face mangled and crushed
1 male ran through the face with a metal beam
1 female killed offscreen
1 female had her hand shredded in a blender, killed
1 male had his throat ripped by a possessed fish
1 female shredded to bits by an exploding mirror
1 male caught on fire
1 female seen dead
1 female seen trampled
1 male seen dead
A number of victims presumably burned to death
1 male electrocuted into combusting, shot to death
Total: 16+

Death to Snowboarders: Shredder (2003)

Shredder (2003) (AKA "Ski Weekend")

Rating: ***1/2

Starring: Scott Weinger, Lindsey McKeon, Juleah Weikel

I've said it once and I'll say it again: sometimes, simplicity can be a good thing.

A quite fine example of a very basic slasher flick, Shredder showcases another carload of teenagers out to have some fun on the snow and inside their friend's warm lodge. This, however, might be a short-lived plan as someone dressed as a skier is brutally bumping them off one by one. When their numbers dwindle down too low, the kids are forced to find ways to defend themselves from the masked maniac but who exactly is this killer? And why does this maniac out to get them anyway?

That, my dear readers, is something for the film to know and for us to find out; multiple red herrings did pop up here and there and just as any good mystery goes, some of them gets bumped off unexpectedly. But keep in mind that Shredder isn't going for something smart, but rather aims for something easily digestible.

Death to Snowboarders!

Taking cues from "dead teen" slasher flicks of the 80s, Shredder relies on hammy scripting, low grade exploitation and bloody murders. It's simplistic plot is designed to dish out these elements with more priority and as far as I'm concerned, I find it a very decent effort; the kills are quite good, varying from the basics to the overly gory. If the film has anything to prove, it is that it can do  snowbound killings with much glee for the red stuff and dark humor, with the killer committing these gruesome acts sporting quite a cool get-up (pun intended) that's mostly made up of a casual winter sporting gear, breathing mask and goggles which sort of reminds me of Harry Warden from My Bloody Valentine (1981).

Outrageous T&A and unusual choices of love-play are among other highlights of the film, and too it's campy tone that didn't dwell in too much on the self-referential quips that most post-Scream slashers of that time have. (Save for one scene involving a virgin victim)

Unfortunately, for those looking for more than "just another slasher", this is where I can't defend the film; being as standard as it is in terms of plotting and build-up, Shredder has very little else to offer in terms of originality as a "dead teen" film. Everything here is predictable, killing off any supposedly scary or intense scenes to the point that it doesn't work too well, and the humor is a hit and miss for those who will find its sheer randomness as unfunny. (Well, not overly random, but there were moments when some of them just felt like that cuz they're so flat)

Hey, cool! a Kid-sicle!

And yet, I still find these shortcomings to be not as bad as some people put it. It could be perhaps I never really cared much for the supposed jokes and just saw everything as a very hammy and shallow take on the sub-genre. Acting is quite acceptable from its cast (despite most of the characters being annoying morons), the cinematography looks beautiful, and while it does lag in some scenes, the resulting direction is still darkly fun, providing even a random twist that kinda makes sense, if it wasn't so cheesy. Sometimes a fan just couldn't ask for more.

Not the best of its kind to have killers rampaging in the cold snow (I think I'll put Stephen King's The Shining or Norway's Dead Snow in that category), but on its own, Shredder did do good. If you've yet to see it, give it a try and let the bodies hit the snowbank like they're supposed to.

Bodycount:
1 male nearly decapitated through a thin wire
1 female falls off a cliff (flashback)
1 male stabbed on the head with an ice pick
1 male stabbed and impaled through an icicle
1 female hanged on a scarf
1 male bludgeoned with shovel
2 skeletons found
1 male gets a ski pole shoved into his eye
1 female found stabbed on the chest
1 male decapitated through thin wire
1 male seen dead
1 female shredded through snow macerator
Total: 13

Just Cutting Up Some Bad Frogs: Hell High (1989)

Hell High (AKA Raging Fury) (1989)
Rating: ***
Starring: Christopher Stryker, Maureen Mooney, Christopher Cousins

With slasher films losing their flavor in the late 80s thanks to re-hashed plotlines and cheesy sequels to never-ending franchises, many titles decided to go through a few tweaks or two in regards to their stories. William Lustig combined action film elements with slasher film horror with Maniac Cop (1988), Scott Spiegel have gore and simplicity at their best in his Intruder (1989) (or as I prefer to call it, "Night Crew: The Final Checkout"), and one-time director and producer Douglas Grossman decided to change the usual stalk-and-prey pattern of a basic slasher film and mix up the exploitative world of 70s rape-and-revenge flicks in his otherwise overlooked Hell High.

Opening sometime 18 years ago, little miss Brooke was playing with her dolls in a wooden shack when a teen greaser and his girlfriend crash in to make love. As Brooke hides away to evade being caught, she decides to get even with the punks after she sees the greaser rip her doll apart, throwing a bucket of mud at them as they drive away in their bike. However, this little plan for revenge swirls off to deadlier ends when the mud blinds the driver and ends up catapulting and impaling the teens through some metal spikes.

Fast forward to 1989, Brookes Storm (Maureen Mooney) grows up into a Biology teacher currently harassed by class punk Dickens (Christopher Stryker) and his crew, which she retaliates by slapping him in front of the class, enraging him to threaten her before leaving to force ex-football jock Jon-Jon (Christopher Cousins) to their group.

Jon-Jon, you see, wanted out of the games but gets labeled as a coward for doing so. This, though reluctant at first, prompts him to join Dicken's crew, which consists of late 80s/pre 90s fashion disaster Queenie (Millie Prezioso) and a food stuffing Smiler (Jason Brill). Together, they rigged a football game Jon-Jon was supposed to be in with a prank (No loss for that part. Their school was losing anyway) and they soon plans to play another nasty joke on Ms. Storm later that night. However, what they didn't know is that Storm's breaking point was already at peak and what they'll do next has dire -and fatal- consequences.

Hearing about this film way before I had the opportunity to watch it, I was kinda aware that Hell High may not exactly follow the formula we all know and love, but I wasn't expecting it to be anything as sleazy and impressive as it is. For starters, I like the fact that the film tries to elevate us from the single dimensional characters these sorts of horror films cliched to death, building around the personalities of each hooligan and at some point seeing the situation from their point of view. However, the problem from this approach was that none of the characters are all that sympathetic; Dicken's is that kind of sociopath that you would really like to leave him in a ditch to die. He's a real nasty fucker who cares very little of his enemies and/or his friends. His two accomplices are nothing more than just drones who follow him around and be as nasty as he is cuz it gives them power. Jon-Jon, who should have been a more rootable guy, ends up being pushed around and barely tries to take control of the situation (no matter how much he tries), thus his label as a "coward" is quite befitting. None of these kids have once thought that what they're doing is fucked up and all of them selfishly think about what would come after once they're caught blamed for their assaults, so I was more than free to feel nothing but hate against any of them with gutso.

Interesting, however, same can also be said to our killer teacher; I can understand she'll be acting this way if she kept that traumatic childhood event to herself in all these years, but who and how on Earth did Ms. Storm ended up with a teaching job being that jumpy of what she did many moons ago? This plot hole aside, Ms. Storm's overly introvert and nervous personality makes her real hard to root for, given that she barely socializes and is hardly friendly, so by the time she breaks down and becomes our resident boogeywoman, we're caught in this conflict of whether we should fear her because she has completely lost it in more ways than what she already did to begin with, or cheer for her since she's giving these kids what they deserved.

In Storm's defense, however, she does make a worthwhile killing spree mainly involving brutal, if not overly detailed kills; bashed heads, fire poker impalements, and one memorable pencil kill are some of the punishments awaiting these troublemakers. Not exactly gory for that matter, but otherwise bloody enough to satisfy. (Although, personally, I think Dickens deserved a slower death than what he had here. I want to see him beg and cry! )

On the technical aspect, Hell High boasts some good camera works and a chilling atmosphere. The ending's a real downer, but the chilling effect of it lasts for a while and that's something I find really impressive from an overlooked, late 80s slasher such as this. You never expected it'll go down that road from the jokey, prank-filled first act it has.

While not be every slasher fan's cup of tea, Hell High was a good effort to try something new for the sub-genre. While it could use a higher bodycount and a more morally inclined hero for us to at least care for, the psychological attack on both the characters and on us was enough for this little sleeper to earn a look into.

Bodycount:
1 male and 1 female impaled on pikes
1 female beaten on the head with rock
1 male stabbed on the temple with pencil
1 male impaled on fire poker
1 female throat cut with kitchen knife
Total: 6 

Hell Hath no Fury like a woman scorned!

Arse-Bat Rapepants: The Catcher (1998)

The Catcher (1998)

Rating: *1/2

Starring: David Heavener, Monique Parent, Joe Estevez

This is one proof that when slashers get real desperate for ideas, they'll flunk. Hard.

Imagine watching Friday the 13th or Halloween done under a sports theme like, this case, baseball, America's favorite past time! We got the opening trauma, where the world's worst dad begins beating up his own son because the kid couldn't pitch, only to be killed when the kid finally mans up and got even! Next thing you know we're flash-forwarding to upteen years later and some guy in a catcher's mask is killing off team members, coaches and managers from that baseball season's losing team ala sports-themed murders. We know it's the kid, but whether he's one of the team mates or not is this movie's little mystery treat for us. Not like that's been done a hundred times already, right?

Fuck yeah, it was.

The Catcher is a shot-on-video trash that deserves very little or no praises at all despite its intentions being on the right places. While the idea of a baseball themed slasher might be a winning catch in paper, execute that with the worst set of casts I've seen since Troma's Dark Side of Midnight (1984), trippy editing that looks like its been done with Adobe Powerpoint, and a lazy direction where 77 minutes of cheap horror feels like an eternity only to end with something so anti-climactic, and you might as well hurl yourself off your window for a better night of "excitement".

Giving a few considerations though, I do appreciate the film a little more as an unintentional comedy, as the killer's lame disguise makes you wonder how hard is it to make up some guy's face behind a mask that exposes too much, or that some of the kills here were imaginative enough to do a full attack on logic or shock value. (The butt-fuck scene could count as this movie's highlight. I never saw that coming...)

There's not really a lot of insight I can give to this movie since it's literally like any other slashers out there, only decked in a baseball uniform. I might understand that the people behind this movie could have been attempting something new and fresh to the slasher formula that didn't involve deformed mongoloids or silent killers in Halloween masks, but it ain't worth it if we're gonna end up suffering from a crap like this. Funny thing is that this isn't the only baseball themed slasher out there, not with titles like Devon's Ghost: The Legend of Bloody Boy (2005), the Australian Cricket variant I Know How Many Runs You Scored Last Summer (2008), or the really superior Billy Club (2013). I guess a lot of people sees the hack and slash potentials in a game where players are allowed to wield a common murder weapon.

Wherever you stand, The Catcher (1998) is and always will be a wasted opportunity on my book. A lot of good planning, very little productivity. Just like a baseball team with a ten year losing streak...

Bodycount:
1 male bludgeoned to death with baseball bat
1 male beaten to death with baseball bat
1 male had a baseball bat shoved into his arse
1 male had his face kicked in
1 male shot repeatedly with pitching machine
1 male had his neck broken
1 male thrown down the stairs
1 male stabbed on the back with broken baseball bat
1 male beaten to death with baseball bat
Total: 9

Heads Will Bowl: Gutterballs (2008)

Gutterballs (Canada, 2008)
Rating: ****
Starring: Alastair Gamble, Mihola Terzic and Nathan Witte

Bearing the 80s vibe of film grain and cheese, Ryan Nicholson's Gutterballs (2008) is one title that got real close to my nasty side with its unrestrained vulgarity, profanity and violence, all in the spirit of the old grindhouse exploitation.

Two rivaling bowling teams made up of teens get into a brawl inside a disco-themed bowling alley Xcalibur Bowling Centre one night when a bitter hothead, Steve, wants to get even with his ex-girlfriend Lisa and his former bestbud Jamie, who swept his girl away. The brief fight ends with the janitor threatening them with a shotgun and Steve getting beaten badly, as well as his foot broken. As her gang calls it a night too, Lisa returns inside the alley to retrieve a purse only to find Steve and his friends waiting for her in there, still wanting revenge. Attacked and violently raped in turns before sodomizing her with a bowling pin, Lisa is left on a pool table naked, beaten and barely conscious.

As the next night comes, both teams return for a bowling tournament to settle everything, with Lisa surviving the previous night and noticeably acting strange. Not too soon, a bowling bag-masked killer named BBK, armed with sharpened pins and bludgeoning bowling balls, starts to pick off members from both teams one by one, apparently under Lisa's name.

A low-budget cult classic of sorts, Nicholson's Gutterballs (2008) is one absurd entry to the rape-revenge/slasher genre that goes through every trope of both horror sub-genres under the originality that is about bowling, a sport imaginatively turned into a literal bloodbath.

The film's approach is clear; as the slasher sub-genre normally relies on killing off unsuspecting teenagers, Gutterballs (2008) decide to make this approach more "fun" by taking the lengths to create unlikable characters, both rape-guilty and not, giving them an obscure need for sex or plainly making them jerk-holes who swears a lot and are completely insensitive. This said, sleaze is considerably on a helpful serving from both sides of gender (and one in between), often made clear with sleazy sex scenes and close-ups of both male and female genitalia. With this, the sex-and-death cliche here is "balls-out" as no one is clearly all that innocent and the kills make sure these victims are done away in an ultra violent fashion, often in theme to the sport and/or the sleaze such as death by "69" position, a sharpened pin anal rape, an impromptu 'man-gina', head bashed with bowling balls, and even a head eaten clear off in a nailed ball waxing machine. (The latter being my favorite) No murder is tame as the shock and splatter is really high on its value thanks to killer special effects. (Though some does look absurd, but who's complaining?)

The rape scene is certainly a hardest punch in the gut; not only was the victim assaulted repeatedly by three merciless men but she's also repeatedly beaten, kicked and, as it's finale, defiled with a bowling pin. This scene got a bit of a controversy due to it's lengthy 8 minute run and graphic take, not unlike the "hunt and rape" scenario of the original I Spit on Your Grave (1978). Small mercies were given, in the sense that the creeps didn't at least go as far as using the "other end" of the pin (Those who saw this flick would probably know what I'm talking about) and for those rooting to see these fucks get their just desserts would be glad to know two of them got quite the bad ends.

Some stylish lighting and camera work ala Italian giallo also have Gutterballs (2008) paying tribute to other horror styles, though it's not as whacky as the marketing done for this film which had posters of movies like Maniac (1980) and Halloween (1978) rendered with bowling themes, a witty wink to the influence these two flicks had on this title. Some of these cheeky market work even found its way into the movie: remember Michael Myers dressing up as a ghost with glasses to prey on an unsuspecting teen? BBK did it with his costume and, what appears to be, a freshly peeled scalp.

Clearly a genre film, Gutterballs (2008)'s hardcore approach is undoubtedly not a taste anyone will welcome. There will be some peeps who will mind the obnoxious cast or the homophobic and misogynistic undertones, not to mention the weak script and lagged pacing in some parts of the film. Nevertheless, I'll assure you that if you're the kind of guy or gal who likes their horror flicks fun, simple, and relatively bloody beyond recognition without minding much of the small stuff (or big stuff, wherever you boat floats), Gutterballs (2008) may satisfy.

Bodycount:
1 male and 1 female smothered to death in each other's genitalia while in tryst
1 male gets a bowling pin shoved down his throat
1 male gets a sharpened bowling pin stabbed to his eyes
1 female garroted with shoelaces
1 female had her head bashed open with bowling balls
1 male had his head shredded inside a nailed ball waxing machine
1 male found beheaded
1 male anally raped with sharpened bowling pin, head beaten repeatedly
1 male gets his neck slashed with a switchblade
1 male had head blown off with a shotgun
1 female shot on the gut with a shotgun
1 male shot with a shotgun offscreen
Total: 13

The Crimes of A Maniac (That or A Very Large Chef): Pandemonium (1982)

Pandemonium (1982)
Rating: ****
Starring: Tom Smothers, Carol Kane and Tammy Alverson

Back in the 1960s, a terrible fate befell on the cheerleaders of It Had To Be U as the world's longest javelin was hurled and kish-kabobs five them and their "salute to vegetables" props in a delectable fashion. Soon after, more teenagers were getting bumped off until a cheerleading camp had to be closed.

Until today.

Reopening the cheerleading camp is one Bambi (like the deer) who was around the kish-kabob murders. She never had her chance to be a cheerleader but, now, explained in an exposition, Bambi's gonna make sure that she will do good the name cheerleading once more and what better way to that than to start up her own camp and have six doomed kids train to be the best in the gig!

Now let's introduce the "Andy Gang": Candy, a telekinetic girl who just wanna be normal (and get to use her diaphragm); Mandy, the blonde with a taste for toothpaste; Sandy, the no-nonsense girl; Andy and Randy, two best buds on a quest to make out with cheerleaders; and Glenn (Glendandy!), Mr. Tall, blonde and handsome.

Keeping an eye to them is Major Cooper, the Canadian raised law-enforcer who works with his trusted steed and his little lackey, Johnson, making sure that one part of history involving cheerleader deaths won't repeat itself.

But then, words of an escaped convict from a nearby prison and an escaped mental patient from a nearby Sanitarium are going around, with people being turned into furniture in exceptional worksmanship. It appears that the murders are starting again and no one is safe...not even a phone!

Coming in at the same year as Wacko!, Pandemonium was the last of the 80s slasher spoof trilogy and while not be as witty written as Student Bodies, it is still a rather fun set of spoofy antics one can unleash against an unsuspecting bodycounter.

Basically, Pandemonium kept it simple; it's a standard slasher film in vein of Final Exam or Friday the 13th only done with spoof comedy elements that can only be found in a Mel Brooks movie. It's more a work on puns (The House of Bad Pies is literally a house of bad pies), verbal irony ("you're afraid of the night?" "Baloney!" "You're afraid of Baloney?"), and out of place moments (Mandy playing with her dolls, Bambi taking a milk (and cookies) bath, a random nudist flirting with a horse, etc.); the jokes are tamer compared to Student Bodies or Scary Movie but they're still laugh worthy by the fact that it's silly, random and surprisingly blends well with the story.

Pandemonium even boasts some creative murders that are either funny, cool or Cooflunny, the fusion of cool and funny! It knows the movies it's spoofing and it doesn't shy away from doing some serious slasher-worthy killings such a pom-pom choking, a drowning, a dynamite decimation to the mesosphere and, my fave kill, death by toothbrush-powerdrill!

And to top it off, it even had a unique twist reveal at the end that even I didn't see coming!

Filled with folks you’ll recognize (Paul Reubens, Judge Reinhold, Carol Kane, and Edie McClurg to name a few) and with a steady pacing of an hour and 22 minutes, Pandemonium never backs down on a joke and, depending on your taste, it's the very movie that I'm proud to say is in competition with Student Bodies as my all-time fave slasher spoof, a straight-forwarded cheesy comedy that anyone can enjoy.

If you can catch it, go for it! YOU'LL REGRET NOTHING!

Oh my God! PEEWEE HERMAN!

Bodycount:

5 females skewered through a javelin ala kish-kabob

1 male killed, seen as a lovely table

1 male blown to the mesosphere with dynamite

1 female brushed to death with toothbrush-powerdrill 

1 male and 1 female killed in gas chamber

1 female found as a cabinet (with legs matching her drawers!)

A number of victims found as furniture sets

3 males electrocuted

1 female drowned in milk (and cookies) bath

1 male found choked on pompom

1 male smothered with pompom

1 female gets a megaphone through chest

1 phone found knifed 

1 male ran over and crushed by a statue

Total: 20+