Thursday, March 1, 2012

Shmucko Cop: Psycho Cop (1989)

Psycho Cop (1989)
starring: Robert R. Shafer, Jeff Qualle and Palmer Lee Todd

 I am aware that the corniness of a horror movie is sometimes a secondary life-saver from the point of view that it's so bad, it's good! But when one douses everything with cheddar alone with very little to cover for, it could lead to disaster. Obviously not the good kind either! Take this movie, for example, released a year after the initial cult success of Lustig's Maniac Cop, Psycho Cop follows the same creed and introduced to us yet another killer in a blue uniform. That to say, the only distinguishing feature that separates this generic shmuck from Maniac Cop's titular killer is that he's Satan's biggest fan and all his killings are for the dark lord almighty. In fact, he's so much of a worshipper, he decorates his hideout with human blood, draw pentagrams on dirt and nail cats on trees while writing 666 in its blood. Stereotypical worship, but hey, it's his life.

What Maniac Cop did as a slasher hybriding with a good, old-fashioned cop-out action film, Psycho Cop does its turn with the easiest plot yet: Six teens goes to a summer house in the woods (As always as it should be) to party  (as always as it should be) only to have them picked off one by one (as always as it should be) by psycho Satan worshipper cop (not exactly as always as it should be). It can't get any simpler than that. Not exactly as elaborate and as original of an idea to be different from a highly superior movie, but least they knew their place. God forbid if they try to be anything like Maniac Cop!

If that's not a storm signal enough for you to tell that the rest of the movie's gonna be stale, then you should check out our loon's take on wise-cracking. You can't go wrong with wise-cracks when you're Freddy Krueger, but if you spat out verbal nightmares like "I'm going to have to throw the book at you!" or "God? Hah! God has nothing to do with it! ...If you know what I mean!" and then laugh a hardy laugh ala robot, then you have every right to remain silent. I mean it.

The murders are decently fair, though. They're well orchestrated and a unique at their best but I'm not that shallow or desperate to give a movie five stars for it. I would if I had fun, but as you can see, not all the way. It's not necessarily a bad film for that case; I suggest a whole keg of beer before, during and after the show unless you pride yourself some overcooked cheese and go with the flow.

You can't go wrong with a silly movie to watch like this when it strikes you. For all it's crazy one-liners, hastily written script and paper thin characters, if you fancy bad movies or just see yourself an 80s horror flick completist, then this nightmare is yours and yours alone. In fact, if you see this as a comedy movie i wouldn't blame you, because the only horror in this "horror movie" is that it got a sequel...
Guess the Satan worship pays of. Huh?

1 Male found axed on the head
1 Female found with throat slit
1 Female strangled to death, neck broken
1 Male axed in the head
1 Male police baton shoved down his throat
1 Female hit by police cruiser
1 Male electrocuted ala stun gun to the groin, later found with throat slit
1 cat found nailed to a tree
1 Female knifed off-screen
1 Male shot in the head
1 Male knifed on the chest, heart removed
total: 11

1 comment:

  1. The sequel (the uncut version, that is) is way better, as it has no pretenses of being a serious horror film, and is as over-the-top as it can be.

    The intro alone has Psycho Cop enjoying coffee and donuts in slow motion, and driving off in a police cruiser he's converted into what can only be described as a Satanic slaughterhouse on wheels.

    And it was written by a guy whose worked on Phineas and Ferb, Family Guy, The Simpsons, Rocko's Modern Life, etc.