Sunday, March 4, 2012

Balls to the joint horror: Marrionner (2004)

Marrionner (Japan, 2004)
rating: 0
starring:  Yuriko Anjho, Miyako Cojima and Mizuki Hikaru

whoa...really? My first zero rating film?! WHOOOHOOO!

(fixes head with duct tape and super glue) alright, sorry, watching this movie felt exactly like that. I'm meek and very fair when it comes to movie reviews, but it takes a real fuck-up for it to get it this bad! The acting is poor, soundtrack's made up of purely of random tunes, and he plot is crazier than Dr. Colosso's Colosso-Boots.
Dr Colossus / Dr Colosso
See, the point of having boots that stretch is to use it outside...
All I understood from what the DVD box is trying to say is that it's about some loon killing girls, putting them in his master's sci-fi machine, turning them into dolls, dolls come to life and attacking whoever they can. It's that simple, yet constant editing and senseless oddities made this film look like a bad drug trip. Slow-mo scenes, speed-up dialogues, CG-enhanced imagery, plot holes, bad continuity and a total random story-telling, Marrionner went overcooked on the idea and leading to a result of jumbled mess that not even a schizophrenic could understand! If you're here cuz of the creepy looking dolls from the cover, I'll tell you this, they're not that creepy...unless you have a fear of dolls, then okay, it could be scary for that reason alone. But thanks to some bad practical effects, the dolls looked obviously handheld and a little misleading if you're here for dolls with knives. If you were looking for killer doll movies outside the usual Chucky films, it's best a bet to outlook this. No dolls doing the killing, just one love-obsessed fan boy on the prowl. The rest of the effects is just bullshit. I can tell that's latex, and I can tell that paper-mache, if you don't have the cash to do gore effects, you do it offscreen, but by doing so, you always have to have style! Sadly, this film had none. I wouldn't even call it an art film even with it's kooky premises and random shit flying around! There's no message! There's no art! Just mess! Piles and piles of unadulterated, shitty mess!

unless, it's art in mess...yeah, I don't see it still.

You know what? Screw this shit. If you still got your crummy hands on this folm even after reading this review, then it's probably your taste, but honestly, a better movie that's just as crazy as this had already been born out there, and it's name is Tourist Trap. The difference? Tourist Trap had style and flair, something Marrionner failed to bring. Those who're a fan of J-horror, I know you guys love weird psycho-films, but there isn't even one strand of psychology in this dreck. Psychologically insane is more like it, and this film had nothing going except for that! Heed my warning, brothers and sisters! Heed my voice! BURN THY COPIES OF THIS WRECKAGE OF AMATEURISH MESS AND LET US ALL DANCE IN THE BONFIRE OF FAILURE!

That or simply take a dump on it. One big, mango size dump would do.

1 female decapitated with thin wire
1 male hanged with noose, bludgeoned to death with sledgehammer
1 female strangled to death (flashback)
1 female killed, turn into wax doll
1 male bludgeoned to death with sledgehammer
1 female killed
1 male head beaten with sledge hammer
1 female face chopped with battle axe
1 female killed (method unknown)
total: 9


  1. Despite your warnings not to, I think I'm still going to find a copy of this movie to watch.

    1. Hey, it's your funeral, mate. tell me if you survive! I think I'll owe you a drink by then!

  2. I on the other hand, will make a new hobby of skipping it. Nice shout out for the excellent Tourist Trap, K-Man!

    1. I had to do the shout-out. Tourist Trap was awesome!