Sunday, July 15, 2012

Tell me why we let Uwe Boll direct again?: Seed (2007)

Seed (2007) (AKA "Shocker")
rating: 1/2
starring:  Michael Paré, Will Sanderson and Ralf Moeller

And what was that statement again?
If there's one guy I want to stop making films, ever, it's Uwe Boll. Let's face it, not one single movie he made can be counted as a classic unless you're the kind of guy so easily entertained by lame special effects, very thin plot and cheap productions all in all.

So then he tried to get his grubby hands on the slasher/serial killer genre and gave us Seed, the story of a man named Max Seed who has the habit of kidnapping people and starving them to death in his basement while recording the whole ordeal on tape. He was captured, convicted and sentenced to be executed via electric chair but after he survived the execution, he was instead buried alive while he was still unconscious since, according to state law, anyone who can survive that is a free man.
Yeah, I call bullshit on this.
wait, how often do I say this line? Oh gosh! that's gonna be my
But after biting and clawing his way out, he start to exact bloody vengeance on all of those responsible for his capture and burying him alive. And I mean very bloody.

Now let me start first with what I appreciate in this movie: Max Seed for one is a cool looking killer. Robust yet silent, he barely says a whisper and kinda looks like young Thomas Hewitt AKA remake Leatherface during his early, pre-skin mask years, which I find cool. There's also two kills that I like here: the baby starving scene, which is unnerving as it is shocking and a very effective looking pike impaling that uses some neat practical effects and a nifty editing.

Sadly, that's as far as I could go to praising; not much to go with here, Seed is a lazy, cheap and tedious walk through the basics of slashers, serial killer and revenge genre. The opening video featuring stock footage of poachers killing animals is just upsetting (it's those kind of people I wanted to butcher) but this might be the only thing worth being upset about. The pacing of the movie is horrible (a lot of stretched out scenes that could have been done away shorter or with better script) and the rest of the murders are just stale. Bloody but stale. There's also some attempt to do some cop drama along the way, but it ain't working if the script lacks material and if the cast are hardly worth rooting for. (not to mention, they can't act either.)

Heck, not even the most talked about axe scene here cut it for me: it's around, what? four or five minutes of me watching Seed beat a CG victim's head with the dull end of an axe before he completely goes ape with it and pulps it completely. As much a I like a good gory kill, this one is too fake looking to enjoy.

It slowly creeps into a finale that sortah inspired the same ending in that overrated Afterdark feature Dread, but the shock factor is gone between all these boring dialogues and uninspired murders, an empty story so draggy that everytime I try to re-watch and pull myself to like it, I always ending up half-asleep, pushing the fast-forward button out of frustration or just stop the whole damn thing and watch Day of the Dead '85 for some reason.

If you're an Uwe Boll fan, go ahead, and take it. Your kind definitely deserves this. Now, if you don't mind, I'm just gonna watch Day of the Dead Again. (Day of the Dead is my happy place...)

1 male executed via electric chair
1 baby head smashed against pole (dream)
1 baby starved to death
1 female starved to death
1 girl corpse found
1 male pickaxe to the head
1 male powerdrill to the back
1 male slashed with cleaver, decapitated
1 male found murdered
1 male arm kicked in two, killed
1 male eye stabbed with pen
1 male head kicked through iron bars
1 male electrocuted in electric chair
1 male face bitten off
1 male impaled on steel pipe
1 female head beaten to a pulp with an axe
3 bodies found dismembered with woodsaw
1 female nailgun shot to her head
1 male shot on the head
total: 21


  1. not his worst movie but definitely one of his worst. Ralf Moeller as main actor - worst miscast in history!!

    1. he was decent in Gladiator, but uh...this is just sad.

  2. Give Rampage or Stoic a try. You willbe pleasantly surprised. The body count for Rampage is probably over 100 and most importantly the acting is incredible. I found Rampage deeply disturbing and couldn't possibly see it a second time. Stoic is just insane.

    1. I'll try it, seeing that I read what Rampage is about, but I'm a little skeptic around Stoic. what is it about?

  3. Haven't seen it. Ralf Moeller has a very small window of parts he can be cast correctly in. Sounds like this wasn't one of them.

    1. It's not. He's too whiny and frustrated of a character to make him any interesting in this one.

  4. This was supposed to be set in the 70s or 80s (can't remember which) but nobody bothers telling you, it's just seen written on a the death warrant some guy signs. It was quite rubbish.

    1. rubbish? It's lower than rubbish. I don't know what's lower than rubbish but I'm thinking it's very small...with many legs.

  5. Stoic takes place in a small prison room. Over the course of a night 3cellmates torture a fourth cell mate to death. It is extremely brutal, realistic, and well acted. Ed Furlong gives the best performance of his career as a sociopathic inmate. The film is very low budget everything takes place in two rooms which makes it claustrophobic. I think the movie tries to make the point that prison is an inherently violent place and prison conditions lead to acts of horrible violence. It doesn't have the epic body count of Rampage but it is just as intense. Attack on Darfur is another good one and Postal and Blubberrella are hilarious and violent. I did not like the footage of abused animals in Seed and wish someone had warned me because I cannot watch that. I understood the point he was making but didn't think it was necessary. I believe the footage was from PETA. Disclaimer I am Associate Producer of the annthology film Profane Exhibit which features a short from Boll and I was present at some of the shoot.

    1. well, as much as I don't want any ill will towards Boll, I just don't understand or fully appreciate his efforts. Blubberella was funny, but it's very forgettable for me. Still, kudos to you and your future projects, mate!

  6. Thank you! My new project is doing press for American Horrors and Glenn Danzig I can send you the next press release if you want. As for Blubberrella I thought the parody of Precious was funny as hell with a white guy playing the mother. And Uwe playing a depressed misunderstood Hitler asking Blubberella for advice was the funniest part. The whole joke of that movie was that it was a spoof of another film he did which they filmed at the same time. One of the Bloodrayne movies. I am not a fan at all of those. The acting is terrible even by the 'respectable' actors like Udo Kier and Billy Zane and they all had ridiculous haircuts and it made no sense. But if you have seen that first you can appreciate Blubberella more. But don't see it.

  7. I seem to be one of the few who did not absolutely hate this.

    Oh well.

    They're apparently making a sequel, according to this recent Facebook post by Ryan Nicholson. Quote:

    "due to my FX gig on "Seed 2", I am up to my neck in fake blood and guts"

  8. One of the best horror flicks ever. You people are drunk

    1. nope. Not drunk. Just very opinionated ...Just Like You~!