WARNING: THIS BLOG CONTAINS BODYCOUNT. HIGH RISK OF SPOILERS. ENTER IF YOU DARE.

Saturday, August 6, 2011

Jungle Boogie: Memorial Valley Massacre (1988)

Memorial Valley Massacre (AKA Memorial Day/ Valley of Death) (1988)
Rating:**1/2
Starring: John Kerry, Mark Mears and John Caso

And to think I've seen the weirdest slasher villains out there; I saw evil robots rampaging in malls, killer crocodiles that know how to move cars into rivers, spirits of evil witches hammering stakes into heads, a vengeful nerd in a jester mask, transsexual girls cutting people's heads off for all things, so what else am I missing?

What about a caveman?

It's a big day for camping as many enthusiasts in trailer homes line up to a new camp site being made in Memorial Valley. Unknown to them, though, site owner Allen Sangster had been dealing with some strange on-goings including dead dogs in the well, an "accident" killing one of the hired men and toilets not working. But giddy about the new campers who are eager to spend whole hard cash to lay around on the camp sites, he disregarded these problems anyway and orders his chief ranger to let the camping happen.

Even further unknown to them, some randomly placed wild man (!) is watching these colorful (AKA weird) characters mess up his forest with dancing ( GASP!), drinking (GASP!), loitering (GASP!), chatting (GASP!) and worst...riding a buggy around his green green grass of home! (OH, THE HUMANITY!) When he'd seen enough of these campers' antics (and awfully written conversations..."Chuck You, Farlie?"), our Caveman-Tarzan-Hermit goes bad jungle man on them and begins hunting down those that disturb his land.

Memorial Valley Massacre is a truckload of cheesy antics trying to breath a new life to the common backwoods slasher. It's a rather basic run with the usual cliches, from over-the-top variety of characters including Vietnam vets, rock stars and one fat biker, to the methodical killings that doesn't really look all that inspired, much to staple its status as a B-grade home rental where it's only winning factor is its' "unique" villain. (well, he did fed a mouse. This is the first time I saw a killer that's a tree-hugging "Lord of the Forest")

Little else can be said except that anyone who would try to look at this film seriously should, as it'll save them a lot of time and/or brain cells. I mean, just ask this yourself: would you find a horror movie involving a killer jungle man "frightening"? No, I really doubt it. As far as cheese and obscurity goes, Memorial Valley Massacre is a half-and-half movie of either good or bad cinematic "attempts" that only the right audience can fully appreciate.

Personally, I sure find it funny enough to at least "like" it, but it is still a bogus concept. When it comes for bad hair, fat bikers, mobile houses being blown up, and the cheesiest slice of B-movie criteria, Memorial Valley Massacre has it all. Fans of bad 80s "horror" obscured to the point of no return, or just those wanting to see something completely out of the ordinary, pop this Poppa for the night and enjoy the cheddar~!

Bodycount:
1 dog found drowned in a well
1 victim mentioned killed
1 dog killed offscreen
1 male had his neck broken
1 male axed on the chest
1 male falls into spiked pit
1 male speared on the gut and pushed into spike pit
1 male gets a dagger to the chest
1 male and 1 female immolated in gas leak
1 male accidentally shot
1 female bearhugged to death
1 female killed offscreen
1 male set ablaze
1 male and 2 females crushed by a toppling truck
1 male impaled on the gut by booby trap
total: 18

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