Golden Title: My Bloody Valentine (1981)

My Bloody Valentine (1981)
Ratings: *****
Starring: Paul Kelman, Lori Hallier and Neil Affleck

What made My Bloody Valentine (1981) earn the highest rating I can give to a movie? (yeah, "Golden Title" reviews what I considered the best of the best). Nothing. Just Nothing. It's just that the movie itself is the slasher genre immortalized and defined.

Beginning with two miners venturing deep into a cave, one of them begins to undress and reveals a voluptuous woman underneath the suit. The other miner, in turn, starts caressing her milk mounds as the girl teasingly etches his gas mask. For a moment, the two appears to be coming in to an early on-screen love play until the miner sees a heart tattooed on his partner's breast, his hands shiver from a sudden anxiety and pushes the girl to a pickaxe, impaling her...

The Legend of Harry Warden, a miner driven insane after a cave-in caused by some ignorant workers forced him to eat the flesh of his dead colleagues, returning every time "the 14th draws near" to murder and mutilate, plagued the town of Valentine Bluffs for far too long. So after a twenty year hiatus of holding any Valentine parties, the town finally decided to loosen up and hold their first one since the incident. Paper hearts are posted in every houses, pink streamers hang around the town, the people are finally free to breath again and say their 'Happy Valentines" in public. 

But after a beating red flesh is found inside a candy box by local authorities, they decided to hold the parties off when a new string of familiar deaths begin popping up. But feeling hauled up themselves, the young 20s to 30 somethings opted to hold a party of their own miles away from town, near Hanniger Mines. Unbeknownst to them, the legend is real and he's out there waiting with his pickaxe at hand.

But is there more to this story? Has Harry Warden really come back once more to punish the town? Or has someone gone insane and decided to live on Warden's legacy?

If there's going to be a perfect slasher film to show as an example to a newbie fanatic, this would be it. It's got everything from the moody atmosphere to a well played holiday theme (complete with a love-triangle side story); a cast of likable (and well acted) characters, from a crazy doom-sayer, to the virginial final girl (and boy); some nice red slayings, a claustrophobic finale and, of course, a killer that's as iconic as this cult favorite.

Director George Mihalka did all of this while injecting a fair amount of suspense and slick stylishness to the film's execution. Even if you are watching the heavily edited theatrical cut, the film works still just for the atmosphere alone. It's a testament to the overall quality of the film thanks to the gloomy and claustrophobic setting, an emptied mine thanks to a celebrated Valentine party, simply giving the film's horror moments an effectively intimidating feel, which helps the authenticity of the film's reputation as a "scary" or 'thrilling" slasher. This is all despite the fact that the usual suspects of clichés are present like a couple of cheesy lines, or the overly familiar plotting resembling nearly every slasher films made. (Bad past coming back to bite unsuspecting victim's arses, the usual game plan)  It's knows the assignment as a bodycounter straight from the enjoyably infamous 80s golden age, where all things gone psycho-killer and cheesy. It's simplistic, yet unique, evident from the killer's choice of victims wherein, while many similar titles out there spent their time stalking you nubile teenagers, My Bloody Valentine (1981) targeted the working class, those people who're fresh out of college and too young to settle down. Thanks to these "kids", the film is rarely boring, full of attitude and life, and provides one of the cheesiest love-triangle there is to be put on screen!

The film's killer, a legend came to life known as Harry Warden, may not be as big as Jason, or Freddy or Micheal, but Warden's an interesting fella; on a small scale, he represents chaos. A pure animal driven by hate, caused by the human ignorance that left him for dead. He's a perfect example of a cinema monster that walks in the shadows, clad in black mining gear and gas mask, following the footstep of so many more that came before him. Though he didn't have the same creep factor as The Shape or the wise-ass attitude of Freddy, Warden still made an impact as an overtly easy yet effective killer thanks to some clever camera work (and the extensive use of shadows), body language and a gnarly set of kills. In other words, he's pure badassery.

It's a big MUST for all seekers of bodycount films to check this one out, at least once. Words simply cannot explain its beauty as a slasher flick. For a slasher fan not to know about My Bloody Valentine (1981) is like a Christian not knowing who Jesus is. Pure blasphemy!

Bodycount:
1 female pushed and impaled on a pickaxe, heart removed
4 males mentioned killed in cave-in (presumably cannibalized as well by Warden)
1 male pickaxed on the chest, disemboweled
1 male mentioned murdered
1 female pickaxed, corpse later found tumble dried
1 male pickaxed through the jaw, exits to eye
1 male forced face first to hotdog fryer
1 female had her head impaled on a shower head, exits to mouth
1 male and 1 female found drilled together
1 male repeatedly nail gunned on the head
1 male hanged and beheaded by noose
1 female pickaxed on the gut
Total: 16

...No seriously, guys, Valentine Bluffs?