Saturday, October 22, 2011

Nail-Gunning One Liners: Nail Gun Massacre (1985)

Nail Gun Massacre (1985) (AKA "Texas Nailgun Massacre"...LOL!!!!)
Rating: **1/2 (?)
Starring:  Rocky Patterson, Ron Queen and Beau Leland

Yeah, I've been asking myself what to make of this: it's awful in every aspect, but I had "FUN" watching it. And at the same time, I feel guilty of having "FUN" watching it, too. So, I guess a half-and-half score with a "?" fits perfectly.

Guilty Pleasure? Could be! I mean how many movies out there actually have a helmeted psycho killer carry around an air-pressured nailgun, spitting out horrible one-liners with a Darth Vader impersonation? But before I rant further with my confused like/dislike for this godforsaken movie, let me wrap around what this movie's about first for those who haven't seen this or are planning to see it.

The opening have us watching a random woman getting raped by six construction workers, though I don't think "rape" is the right word because little lady's fully clothed and these guys ain't humping. Molested is more fitting but just for the sake of this film's attempt to do one then yes, they "raped" her...

So anyways, we then cut to a small cabin in the woods I assume some time later, where a fat momma is busy hanging laundry while her baby plays in a box. We see our killer (obviously a woman) enter the cabin and greets the fat slob just sitting there with a nail gun shooting and some lame one-liners. Fat Momma hears the commotion, sees the body and then runs off.

Soon, more random people are literally getting nailed. As the bodycount rises, Sheriff Thomas (Ron Queen) turns to his buddy, Doc James (Rocky Patterson), to help him solve the case. Since we know damn well the murders are connected to the rape victim, the only thing this film can do then is the old-fashion "who did it" cop-out car chases shtick with a lot of obvious goofs.

Now that you know what this film is about, it's really all up to your morbid curiosity if you want to see a title that have people calling it the best worse movie ever, following Troll 2 (1990). I for one did it for the sake of being a completist for slasher titles, plus the fact that some people are enjoying this film despite the silly goofs, but I can't make a straight review for this film due to my conflicting feeling for it, so let me just list down what the pros and the cons are of this movie:

First the Cons: Bad acting, sleazy sex that looks like an outtake of a porno (nice rack, though), cheap effects, bad script, bad lighting, a bad camera work, untalented casts and extras, randomly placed victims, lots of cheese, lots of inconsistencies (one guy ordered cheeseburgers and he got grilled cheese sandwich, killer changes height and body shape from one scene to another, sheriff's badge switches from left to right, etc....) and, yes, the goddamned one-liners that are gouda enough to make Freddy Krueger cringe in horror. (latter line is copyrighted to Hysteria Lives.co.uk. I'll be expecting their law suit anytime now...)

Now, the Pros: Unintentionally funny, so-bad-it's-good campy feeling, laughable sex, some good gore, some good T&A, cool looking killer, and, well, it's cheesy....yes, that is all.

There's nothing intentionally horrifying about Nail Gun Massacre, so I could say we'll be wasting our time trying to see this as "straight" horror, but as cult standards apply, it does however win the hearts of many DIY horror film enthusiasts with its horror-comedy failure of a nature that I, too, come to love at some point. I will not admit it's a good movie because, God almighty as my witness, anyone who could do better has every right to dump it to their garbage bins, but if you're looking for some cheap thrills or something to laugh at with your friends, then I guess you could rent this...or own it if you're that masochistic.

1 male nail gunned to death
1 male nail gunned to death
1 male nail gunned on the back and falls into a chainsaw, dismembered
1 male nailgunned to death
1 female found nail gunned to death 
1 male nail gunned on the head
1 female nail gunned to death
1 male nail gunned to a tree, left for death
1 male nail gunned to death
1 male nail gunned to death
1 male nail gunned to death
1 female nail gunned to death
1 male repeatedly nailgunned, burnt in grill
1 female nail gunned to death
1 female nail gunned to death
1 male falls off a crane
Total: 16


  1. Waste of time indeed.
    Nail Gun Massacre is definitely one of the worst horror movies of all time. A pointless and stupid piece of bullcrap

  2. I know...you know that feeling that you just laughed your guts out and then you suddenly realized how stupid it was?...

    I got that.