Friday, April 20, 2012

WHY WONT HE DIE?!: Hard To Die (1990)

Hard To Die (1990) (AKA "Sorority Massacre 3", "Tower of Evil")
rating: *1/2
starring: Gail Harris, Karen Mayo-Chandler and Deborah Dutch

A near-parody of Die Hard, Hard to Kill and the late 80s slashers, Hard to Die tells the story of five voluptuous employees working overtime at Acme Lingerie office tower to sort out its stock inventory. With them is the uber creepy and obese janitor Orville Ketchum, who was present during the Hockstatter House massacre, when a deranged madman killed multiple girls inside his own home.

As they try to avoid this creepy mustachioed fatso, the girls later receive a package containing the boxed evil spirit of Hockstatter (it could happen, people!), inevitably set free and is now possessing one of them, itching to murder anyone he can get his crummy hands to.

Now seeing this is a film about five women trapped in a building with a loose psycho with only a barrage of guns to defend themselves, I was saying to myself  "Why on earth not?" as I giddly tracked this down, only to notice how bad the acting was and that they used scenes from Slumber Party Massacre unjustly. Right there, I lost it.

Okay, lemme get this out of my system first:  Hard To Die has nothing to do with Slumber Party Massacre. The only reason why they included clips from that movie was to pull up the running time and probably include better murder scenes or heighten the kill count. What really grinds me was that this film tried to pass it off as their own by changing the name of the killer from Russ Thorn to Hockstatter and make up an entirely different story to coincide with the clips. Um, not the wisest shit to do unless you want to expose how cheap your movie is. Anywho, that's one point off for ripping my fave Slumber Party slasher, now let see the other casualties.

Hard to Die is a perfect example of a bad movie made worse; the parodies on slasher flicks from nubile female victims to indestructible killers were present here, pushed to heights so high that it ended up so stale. It overdid the sleaze by having the female casts dress up in skimpy lingerie, put into situations where they get wet and showers, which would have been fine for me if it wasn't for the bad cheese. It maybe not a big deal for some seeing this is a horror-comedy but, why do rubbed, wet skin sound like two balloons being rubbed together? Was it the silicone? I think someone's idea of a dumb blonde was up there too, as these gals utter the lamest one-liners and, too, wasted so many time trying to kill off the wrong guy.

Okay, "kill" is an understatement; it's no spoiler (if it is, then to hell with it) but they thought the killer was Orville. What's so shocking here was that this tub of lard took on hails of bullets, garroted with telephone chords, knifed, pushed off a building, and yet he lived! Right until the fucking ending, this bastard lived! It should have been funny but I find this frustrating and a bit of a headache in my case.

Acting and continuity was never the strong point for films of this kind, so I'm leaving those alone. I think the most valid reason for my rating is that it's plain boring. An hour and 17 minutes is not worth wasting in a flick where we watch a fat guy and a possessed lady in lingerie shoot each other to death over and over again, just to live up to the movie's promise of an action-oriented horror flick. Puh-leeze, just because we have folks shot each other with guns doesn't make it all action-y!

I'm up for mindless fun, but this is ridiculous! Real travesty, right here. Don't waste your breath on its false promises, you're better off watching the REAL Slumber Party Massacre instead!

1 female hacked with hook
1 female hacked with hook
1 female set ablaze
1 female caught in friendly fire, shot to death with machine gun
1 male gunned dead with machine gun
1 male gunned dead with machine gun
1 female had her neck broken, later gunned dead with machine gun.
total: 7

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