Friday, December 30, 2011

fate worse than being 'scared alive'...:Island of Blood (1982)

Island of Blood (AKA Scared Alive/Whodunit) (1982)
rating: *
starring:  Marie-Alise Recasner, Rick Dean and Ron Gardner

Just when you think it pays to ben ice...it didn't for once. Yeah, I decided to take a tiny lookie-lookie into this supposed bad boy, boasting a kickass poster and claims to had taken its idea from my favorite Agatha Christie book And Then There were None. I happen to like that book. a lot. so yes, I dashed to the nearest copy around (Thank you Youtube!...sorry I take that back). What hit me at the end is something like a badly written rip-off of that book, made to film, put to a blender, mixed with cupid's ambrosia and Peter Griffin's home made energy drink.

The plot is as simple as it gets that anybody who's anybody could do it; a group of film makers and it's "actors" and "actresses", went to an island to shoot a "positive youth film." Positive gonna nailed it...if yer a happy young teen who just got his, or her, first porno, cuz yeah, they're secretly shooting a porno. Apparently it wouldn't matter for these young ragtag of actors cuz they don't seem to mind...or notice.

Well that's not the point. The thing is there's a f*cktart who starts killing off the crew, basing his or her murders on a bizarre song that can come out as a lame version of the Hungarian Suicide song (Gloomy Sunday, for those who're curious). You don't need me to tell you it was one of them. But who?

Yeah well, f*ck it. I didn't care and neither should you, cuz, personally, it's a big, long, wet, drag. Does that sound too personal? Well, maybe. I can't help it, it takes a monumental fuck-up to screw something so simple as that! bad lighting, awful script, cheesy acting ("I'm sorry, it isn't every day that I find someone boiled to death!" Honey...neither do then thousand more folks in Massachusetts ), and lots and lots of draggy scenes. If there's anything more bland and shaven bald dull than this, then I don't know what side of the world I'm in it right now!

You wanna know where that single star you see in that rating over there goes to? The kills. a likable bunch, I'll tell you. But not even that could save the Queen from this utter dreck. Do yourself a favor and if you ever see this film on rental. Steal it and burn it. It'll get you into trouble, but watching this damn film is a fate worse than  parole.

1 Female shot in the face with shotgun
1 Male boiled to death in jacuzzi
1 Male has spike pushed into his face
1 Male immolated in explosion
1 Female showered with battery acid, burned
1 Male machete through gut
1 Male dismemebered with chainsaw
1 Male killed off camera
1 Female found nailgunned to death
1 Male nailgunned to death
1 Male shot with shotgun
total: 10

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