Sunday, December 15, 2013
Der Fuhrer's Secret Occult Weapon of Christmassy Doom: Elves (1989)
Starring: Dan Haggerty, Julie Austin, Deanna Lund
Nope. Nope. Nope. Fuckin' nope.
Kristen is a ordinary teenager who unwillingly resurrected an evil demon elf after cutting her hand and bleeding on a sacred ground during a supposed "anti-Christmas" ritual. As a joke. The elf continues to spy on Kristen and her estranged family, murdering some people and throwing Kristen in a strange situation where it turns out Nazis once concocted a plan to breed virgins with fallen angels, creating killer elves in the process. And now that she resurrected one, she's unfortunately part of the plan now.
Perhaps I'm looking at it wrong but this is utter bullcrap for me; it's cheap as cheese-covered cardboard cutouts being passed around as Doritos, monotonously paced, horribly acted, and is barely scary or gory. It's incredibly hammy with a lot of guys just talking about conspiracies that are too far-fetched to be even taken so seriously! I try to watch this film without any sense of seriousness but even at that mindset, the incredibly bad production of this film leaves nothing me! Not even a good laugh!
1 cat drowned in toilet
1 male knifed on the groin
1 male found dead with head wound
1 female shot on the head
1 female knifed to death
1 male pounded to death
1 female electrocuted on the tub with a live radio
1 male repeatedly shot
1 elderly male shot
1 male shot