All Dancing! All Slashing! All Dragging!: Slash Dance (1989)

Slash Dance (1989)
rating: *
starring: Cindy Ferda, James Carroll Jordan, J. Buzz Von Ornsteiner

Do understand one thing here; as I write these down, I'm also contemplating placing a surgical laser in front of my face to burn my eyes out for watching the abysmal wreck that is Slash Dance. For all honesty's sake, this wasn't even the movie I'm looking for! I was looking for another dance-themed slasher known as Last Dance after reading about it from one of my favorite blogs, but somehow I got confused and got this instead. This, kids, is the reason why I always make lists...

So don't give me that face, Spike! A list can save you!

But I pressed on watching this movie in hopes that it'll be good, only to find myself going through an hour and so following a female cop named Tori (Cindy Ferda) investigating some missing dancers who all signed up for a part in a musical. Take two buffed-up lesbians that look and act like pro-wrestlers, a scene involving biker punks who, after being kicked in the balls, asked our cop for a date, one dash of a competitive cop story that goes nowhere and one mentally challenged stage-hand into the fray, and you got a slasher movie that did very little slashing and more low-budget cop movie antics.

With countless padding for "developing" Tori, you can tell we're up for another misfire with Slash Dance. What I find weird is that a lot of directors tried making one of these "dance-slashers", including the Godfather of Italian gore Fulci himself with Murderock! I've yet to see a decent one, but I'm sure this trash may have killed my interest on "dance slashers". (A bit too conclusive on my end, but otherwise, please understand, I'm still a bit hazy from watching this dreck.)

Director James Shyman tries to melt and mix slasher with comedy, which is an old yet welcome hat even by today's standard, but thanks to his lifeless directing, the film's nothing more than a headache that has to be avoided. Come to think of it, what else would you expect from the same guy who've made the disastrous Hollywood's New Blood? With little to no blood to offer and barely an intimidating killer with their black pillow sack with eye-holes get-up, I'm not even sure if this film is legal to watch for being so atrocious! Even for a slasher film!

Okay, maybe I'm going way overboard here; I'm sure there are worse slashers out there, but come on, what was this movie supposed to be? A slasher film? A cop thriller? An underground comedy? I understand that by around the late 80s, slasher films are dying down and the people who're struggling on making these type of movies were desperate for ideas, but why feed an out-of-control forest fire with more wood to burn?

Unless, of course, you have a fetish for leotards and dancing, then there's a scene or two for you to watch here, but what was the point for this slasher to exist in the first place? You're better off watching them direct to video Disney flicks like High School Musical or some shit like that if you want cheesy dancing, but if you're llooking for a slasher film, or a comedy, or a decent film to watch at all? Then Slash Dance isn't any of those. Avoid at all cost!


Now where was I-? Oh yeah!
AAAAAAAAARRRHHHHHHHH!!!

Bodycount:
1 female had her throat cut with wood saw
1 female glimpsed dead from drug overdose (flashback)
1 female strangled with rope
1 male knifes himself in the gut
1 male shot dead
1 male gets a logging saw to the face
total: 6