Wednesday, March 12, 2014

A tale of 40 Whacks: Lizzie Borden's Revenge (2013)

Well, here we are again in another
This time, I'll be walking you through another atrocity in cinema that dares to take a stab in exploiting history itself. I'm talking about:
Lizzie Borden's Revenge (2013)
Rating: 0
Starring: Jenny Allford, Michael Beardsley, Rich Calderon

Tits and Violence. Yay?

Horror fans with a knack for history would know the story of Lizzie Borden, an American woman tried for murdering her father and stepmother with an axe, under so many theories tossed around to explain why she did it, including momentary insanity due to an unexplained disease, family affairs and the classic "she just snapped" gig. (Classic slasher scenario that latter one)

In here, we're treated with another possible explanation: Lizzie was gay, and she murders her family out of repressed rage.  Say what?

Opening on Borden residence on the day of the murders (are those recycling bins next to that house? They had those in the 1890s?), we see Lizzie being lectured with the word of Christ Almighty by her step-mum and how her feelings for another lady is against all that's good in humanity. All of this with a terrible acting and two axe murders littered with CG blood. Elsewhere, a Filipino horror fan who's supposed to be paying real good attention to this was thinking whether he should just put in Troll 2 instead or just keep watching in hopes it gets better.

He chose the latter and found out it didn't. 

Forward to the present, we now watch a group of coeds in their underwear talking about how suckish it is to be stuck in their predicament and how bras can be an optional clothing when you're out having fun with your girl friends.
I can vouch for that.
So they decided to pass the time doing a seance, insisted by one geek girl with an obsession for Lizzie Borden, and next thing you know we got Britney Spears axing all these babes with an axe...oh wait, that's supposed to be the ghost of Lizzie Borden, huh, she looked a lot better that what I remembered.

Much of the movie tries to be this fun sorority horror that we'd seen couple of times before, but what it lacks is what its supposed to do. The jokes are flat and forced, characterization is slim and the script is shit. Absence of special effects is also very distracting as the use of CG blood tainted every uninspired axing and Lizzie's supposedly ghostly emerging into the scene was simplified to her just walking in-camera. (Cuz nothing's scarier than an axe murderous ghost to appearing out of nowhere, right? Well, depending on the case...)

There's also some random sexy things going on once in a while like one red herring girl just had to walk around naked in a trance, showing off her smoothness and them rosy cheeks. As much as I (and my pants) would like that, you still had to wonder what exactly does this do for the story? Not that I'll be spoiling anything (I'm sure up to this point of the movie, many of you are either asleep or is contemplating suicide for wasting a precious hour watching this) but she did has something to do with the murders, but all of that can be done with her on clothes.
I'm a bood person...but DAT ASS!
Turd story, bad acting, cheap set, zero atmosphere, ridiculous looking ghosts and a lot of unimpressive kills. Why would anybody fund a movie this bad is beyond my reasonable psyche and the only reason why I kept watching is so I could check if what I got is a porno instead.

Well, one brief lesbian scene and a couple of boobies, not enough to go around for me to at least like it so...(insert the sound of a zipper zipping...close!)

For all that's good and holy, ditch this movie. It's worth the marketing, it's not the bodycount, and my God, it's not even worth that bulge on your pants right now! Do yourself a favor and if you ever see this movie, grab it and yell at it for being awful. People will look at you weirdly but hey, you know yourself you had a reason for doing that!

1 female hacked to death with an axe
1 male hacked to death with an axe
1 male and 1 found murdered
1 male hacked to death with an axe
1 female hacked to death with an axe
1 female hacked to death with an axe
1 female beheaded with an axe
1 male hacked on the gut with an axe
1 female hacked on the back with an axe
1 female hacked on the chest with an axe
1 female knifed on the back
Total: 12

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