The One With A Boring Madman Mannequin: The Tombs (2019)

The Tombs (United Kingdom, 2019)

Rating: *1/2

Starring:  Jessica Cameron, Jess Impiazzi, Akie Kotabe

Filmed at an actual haunted maze in London, The Tombs (2019) follows a group of celebrities and cast members from an in-universe slasher movie titled The, er, Tombs visiting an attraction specifically set-up to promote the movie's upcoming sequel and hopefully rile up some publicity. What they didn't know is that the haunt unknowingly unearthed the slumbering spirit of a necromancer who will stop at nothing to harvest some fresh victims, as well as find a new host to take over.

I first came upon this movie's existence all the way back at 2017 and the premise they put out then got me excited with the notion that this is going to be a haunt-set bodycounter with a supernatural robot/animatronic for a villain. I have a small soft spot for slashers set in haunts as movies like The Funhouse (1980), Dark Ride (2006) and Haunt (2019) proved to be a fun bunch so long as they utilize the settings to its full potential. Unfortunately, The Tombs failed to do this, among other unsatisfying elements.

Basically, The Tombs just feels uninspired and uncaring overall, seen evidently with its lackluster writing, unlikable characters and paperthin plot circling around the gag that these victims are unaware that the madman with the axe is killing people for real. The pace hobbles in a clumsy gait that tries to build-up to the massacre with as much cast interaction and banter as a 70 plus movie can, only to drop on us a collection of uninspired axe murders and little else to add variety. (Plus, the offscreen killings. Oh, God. The cheap trick of offscreen killings) I guess the matter of fact that this film has been crowdfunding its budget all the way back at 2015 is a tell-tale sign that its quality is going to be close to crap.

Quite a shame, really; I like the idea, but all of this is just absolute "meh" for me and it's better that I just leave it at that. The Tombs (2019) isn't bad enough to have a copy drop-kicked into a hundred pieces, but its very far from an entertainment piece that deserves even a second viewing.

 Bodycount:
1 male murdered, method unknown
2 males seen murdered
1 female killed, seen with a bloodied back
1 male hacked on the head with an axe
1 male found hacked on the face
1 female found murdered
1 male found attacked, killed later
1 female hacked to death with an axe
1 female gets a throat cut
1 male hacked to death with an axe
1 male had his neck snapped
1 female gutted with an axe
2 males and 2 females seen murdered
1 female hacked with an axe
1 male had his neck broken
1 male hacked on the gut with an axe, bled to death
1 male presumably hacked with an axe
Total: 21