Friday, May 30, 2014

A Question I don't wanna Answer: Do You wanna Know a Secret (2001)

Do You Wanna Know A Secret (2001)
Rating: 0
Starring: Michael Sarysz, Dorie Barton, Joseph Lawrence

Waste my time with a bad movie, I say. Who knows, maybe I'll like it, I say! 

Why put myself through it, even? Experience? Well, there's that, but after spending an hour and twenty something minutes with this movie, I highly doubt I want to keep said "experience". Here's why:

The plot has us looking into yet again another group of partying teens in Spring Break, offed one by one by a cloaked killer with a ridiculous-looking mask (E.T. knows where you live!!!) who keeps leaving a message for the rest of the kids to find: Do You Wanna Know a Secret? Honestly, I don't give a flying feather what it is if it takes 40 something minutes into the film before anything interesting happens, but it may have something to do with a friend of theirs that was axed a year ago.

But seriously, no one in here deserves my attention; they're plain rowdy teens who want to party until the end of time (or the end of Spring Break. Or of their life. Whichever one goes first), feeling barely any remorse for their dead buddies. For all it's worth, I would really want to see these kids die off in an entertaining manner just to make up for their lack of character and yet the film fails even to provide that, leaving us with cheap throat cuts and criminally high count of offscreen kills.

What's worse than dull characters and murders? How about a plodding direction? Or a lame-as-ass twist ending that's hardly even inspired? The kind that makes you roll your eyes and shrug in disappointment that these guys can't even make up a good reason for their killer to be chopping off heads so they have to rip one off from another movie. (Mortuary (1981) anyone?)

Yes, this is barely a functioning slasher for my standard and it deserves to be forgotten into non-existence. Do You Wanna Know a Secret? No. Wank off, movie!

1 male hacked with an axe
1 male knifed to death, words carved on chest
1 female found with throat cut
1 female gets a throat cut with hunting knife
1 male gets a throat cut with hunting knife
1 male and 1 female murdered off camera
1 male found beheaded
1 male impaled with a candle holder, shot to death
Total: 9


  1. You said it brother - this one is meh-riffic through and through. Here's my full review if anyone wants a double shot of not enjoying this movie...


    1. I wonder if it's desperation or just pure amateur production that made this film bad...

  2. You reviewed this a couple of days after the guy over at the other site slash above! You have said pretty much exactly the same thing. I think add your own opinion may be better

    1. Dude. The movie's pretty uneventful and the production is lower than cheap. It's lame, generic and overly clichéd, I don't think there's anything else to say!

  3. Heard of that one, but never got to see it, even though I'm actually a fan of polished 90s/00s semi-slashers.

    1. there's nothing polished about this film. Just look at that mask our killer used. Does that even look "polished" to you?