The Saw is Family: Leatherface: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 3

Leatherface: Texas Chainsaw Massacre III (1990)

rating: ***

starring: Kate Hodge, Ken Foree and R.A. Mihailoff

I never knew the wild ramblings of a deranged cook would become a literal reality; around the early 90s, when nearly all slasher flicks lost their taste, there were still some titles trying to kick the almost dead sub-genre back to life with plots that are mostly cooked, served, saved and pre-heated over and over again. Some odd stories, though, did got their way through and little of them would include TCM's lovable cannibal Leatherface getting a more "loving" family.

More of a direct sequel to the original, TCMIII starts off with a meat hammer slamming a screaming victim's face, killing her as the big guy prepares to skin a new mask. Over the window, a hysterical-looking girl watches in horror as Leatherface proceeds with his craft, before she accidentally snaps a twig which made the big guy aware of her presence and the gal running for dear life.

We leave it at that when we switch focus to a Californian couple, Michelle and Ryan, out for a road trip in the open Texan desert and stopping by for some gas. But when the stop's perverted attendant tries to make his way to Michelle, a kind hitchhiker helps them out until the attendant pulls a shotgun on them and proceeds to fire. Scared off, the couple drives through a shortcut given to them by the hitchhiker before the brawl, but as they find out, the trail leads to a deserted forest.

It wasn't long before the couple are attacked off the road and found aid from a concerned survivalist who just happens to be driving by. It soon became clear to them that someone's out there hunting them down and if you know your Texan chainsaw massacres, then you know damn well why...

TCMIII is more of a retelling of the first film, still focusing on the the villain's family slaughtering victims for food as if it's a normal livelihood, which makes this entry also slightly reminiscent of TCM2's outlandish attempt to bring out some color to Leatherface's life, minus the cartoonish feel and with a more bizarre range of characters (though none of them actually have the same flavor of the original clan), including a Texan wannabe-Samaritan, a technology loving hick, a heterochromic loonie with speech impediment and, the oddest addition, Leatherface's own young daughter. (Ah whu?!) The producers actually wanted this to be an TCM entry that stands on its own continuity (disregarding the previous films) but with many tie-ins shown and hinted here and there such as the pre-credits narration explaining the events from the first TCM movie and that slight cameo of TCM2's Caroline Williams, who many fans suggested as Stretch recovering from her horrendous incident (which I highly doubt but accept as a likely theory), as well as the fact that "Junior" here wears a leg brace (Die hard Chainsaw fans would know why he has that), I guess it is safe to say that plan didn't went through.

This being said, I do feel like TCMIII may have given too much emphasis on bringing the clan to light as the two leading couple barely made anything interesting apart from the classic screaming damsel shtick. The inclusion of a Ken Foree as a survivalist, however, did brought a stronger character into the fray. His role here was more like of Lefty's from TCM2, a strong arm of a protagonist whose experience, will to survive, and a mean AK47, makes him a formidable foe for the clan. Funny, though, he was supposed to die in this flick, evidently from his supposed death by chainsaw as we see him get dismembered, but he showed up alive and well with hardly a scratch on his body save a small head wound. Guess fans in test screenings will always have their way...

There isn't much to go around with this one either in terms of slasher antics as you'll probably know your way around it. Murders were surprisingly tame for a movie made in the late 80s, something we can always blame the MPAA for. Hec, if it wasn't for them, this one would actually had a naked guy hung upside down and get sawed in half! 

In the end, TCMIII is hardly a step up for a franchise entry but it's no short of an entertaining piece of slasher goodness in terms of premises and ghoulish humor. It is practically nothing more than a Texas Chainsaw Massacre with its killer living with another "quirky" (and yet at the same time, one dimensional) family, with my only gripe with it being that it can get a bit draggy in both horror and non-horror scenes and it could really use some more gore and chainsaw action, but what else can we do?  Least it made a lot more sense than that harking 4th sequel...

Bodycount:
1 female gets a meat hammer to the face
1 female dismembered with chainsaw
1 male bludgeoned on the temple by projected sledgehammer
1 female shot
1 male shot
1 male set ablaze
1 male shot on the chest with shotgun
total: 7

They will end the world: My top 20 Cabin In The Woods Monsters

So, Just has The Cabin In The Woods suggested, our world's gonna end via full on attack of seemingly immortal horror movie monsters. If that's our fate, then I'm just gonna go head on and say Best Apocalypse Ever!

But before that happens, let me just share you guys my top 20 fave little (and huge) nasties that mauls, bites, and maims in one of 2012's most anticipated and exciting horror-slasher hybrid! So start the count down of the world's end with:

Ah, classic~

20: Zombies- Ah, the classic set-up. Death by Zombies! Or in a shorter term "Zombiepocalypse!" As a second fave horror sub-genre, Zombies had always had a good on impression for me, especially the slow ones. (The Fast Ones just overdid the threat, personally...)

stop looking at me. stop looking at me..

19: The Reanimated- I'm not sure why the fans, or maybe even the staff, called these weird fuckers as "The Reanimated" since they look little like revived bodies but whatever. So long as these bastards stop looking with their freaky upside-down heads (and climb on ceilings!) I'm cool with them...yeesh...

"We have such sights to show you..."

18. Fornicus, Lord of Bondage and Pain- An obvious Rip-Off of Hellraiser's Cenobites (maybe even one of them!), Fornicus got in my list for being a good little tribute to my childhood fave horror franchise! Now if only he did a little more than just look menacing...

"OH COME ON!"

17. Merman- Ah the irony, you want something in life and next thing you know, you'l get it when you're about to bite the big one. One thing's for sure, Merman is really scary...

the clean up is a nightmare!

Burn, baby! Burn!

16. Jack-o-Lantern- Dude, it's a Jack-O-Lantern headed man, in an old-timey suit, that breathes fire! Screw any other Jack-O-Lantern headed killers or monsters out there! Somebody make a spin-off using this monster!!!

the ones of the left...

15. KKK- A trio of Klan members (well, two members and an official) is seen briefly on a monitor, standing patiently for their release. Hmm, Murdering Racists White Supremacists labeled as "monsters". Seems kinda fitting, just wished I could had seen them in action, they'll make one hell of a controversial slasher villain...

angry. angry. victims

14. Suffocator- Another briefly seen monster, an undead man with a penchant for suffocating victims with plastic bags. Subtle, but least he looks cool!

"please don't cut!"

 13. Doctors- We really need more good killer docs out there. These guys were glimpsed for a few seconds, about to cut open an unfortunate fella, which is more terrifying considering their eyes are sewn shut..

Joyride!

12. Dismemberment Goblins- A duo of crazed and mischievous goblins was first seen splitting a soldier in half (and dwarf tossing it), and later, through the monitors, riding a go cart. Heck, it has Gremlins written all over it, only more extreme! Gotta love that part!

"I will fuck you, one way or another!"

12. Angry Molesting Tree- Oh God! Evil Dead reference! And a fun one at that! Who knew a tree would get angry enough to puree a guy into...well, a bloody fountain?

Don't these guys know? You have to shoot them at their funny bones!

11. Clown- Hey, you know me. I love killer clowns. Especially the ones impervious to bullets and brandishing a knife!

Ooooh, he's hungry!

10. Dragonbat- Now, this is something I can fully appreciate. Being a fan of giant monster flicks as well, this man sized bat monster impressed me with it's vicious look. Split-mouths, high-pitched roars, awesome wingspan, why not?

If only the Strangers had one more guy...

9. Dolls- A quartre of porcelain masked murderers. I'm a guy who owns a part of the web for this dedication for slasher flicks and anything else in between. Need I say more?

that's just wrong in every way...

8. Mutants- Though they were just in it for a few measly seconds, these freaks had the most funniest looking kill I've seen in history. Who knew death by toxic vomit would be so gross and randomly funny for me.

I'll steal your soul!

7. Witch- This is an awesome rendition of a traditional witch with equally awesome powers! So far only two is seen: levitation and the most creative visual death I've seen: literal soul-ripping!

hush little baby...

6. Alma Wade- AKA that creepy girl that stalks a wounded soldier. She's supposed to have psychic powers, but I'm just gonna admire the fact that she looks so calm and cool along with the mayhem.

Patience is a virtue. Patience Buckner is not.

6. The Buckners- Well, they're maybe undead pain worshipping backwood idiots, but they're our undead pain-worshipping backwood idiots. 

ain't that adorable~

4. Sugarplum Fairy- Let's all agree with one thing: she's creepily adorable. I mean she does ballet while peeps are being mauled to bits! If it weren't for them raw of pointy teeth I would had hugged this baby!

ah, the brony side of me...

3. Unicorn- You got to admit, this one's a real shocker! Who knew a unicorn would qualify as a horror monster? Well, at least now we know what's the horn for...

eat your hear out, Jacob...

2. Werewolf- though I'm rarely a fan of werewolf flicks, since there's very little good ones out there, I'm just glad to see a traditional werewolf here. And he's the best kind, too! Immune to gun shots! Best traditional werewolf ever!

killer robots. we need more of these.

1. Killbot- Aww, sweetest of all doomed angels! This has to be the coolest thing in the purge for me! We hardly get killer bots in horror flicks. Gore-inducing killer bots, not the shoot them with lasers kind, and this one's a Godsend for me! Coolest thing ever!

Bonus!:
Monsters I wish I've seen in action:

50 Foot Woman- Come on! What's a horror flick tribute without one of the hottest classic 50s B-Movie classic monster?

Kevin- Ah yes, the legendary "Kevin" That nice harmless guy that looks like he works at someplace like Walmart. How I really wished I've seen him...

The Huron- Sounds like an awesome monster! mentioned to be a Native American with a habit of scalping people, a probable tribute to my fave cheese fest slasher Scalps (1983)

 Monsters I really hate:

Kiko- Augh, I know I'm very open to everything, but if there's one thing I'll never fully appreciate, unless they try real hard, it is long haired ghosts. I've seen them a lot of times and I already know the formula of their movies, but Kiko here proved something I never thought is possible and that is how cliched some of these Asian ghost flicks are.

Wraith- Oky, he looks cool, but if we're gonna put the context here, all this guy did is go through people. Which is lame...and why I don't watch too many ghost movies... Now if only they showed how he could kill, I might appreciate him more.

Virtual Insanity: Brainscan (1994)

Brainscan (1994)
Rating: ***1/2
Starring: Edward Furlong, Frank Langella and T. Ryder Smith

Funny thing about this film is that I saw this as a toddler, under the bootleg label "Back To The Future 4"  and the very image that remained with me to this day was a scene were a boy gets swallowed whole by a guy with a stretched out mouth. Guess you can tell how messed up my childhood was...

Michael is a sullen 16-year old motherless horrorphile who's constantly left alone by his workaholic father over business trips, leaving him under the company of a single punk best friend, some fanciful (voice commanded!) softwares, and dozens of horror titles to waste his time with.

In one ordinary day, Michael came upon a magazine ad showcasing a new game called Brainscan, promising a whole new type of gaming experience. Interested in what the game could offer, he orders the it and, much to his delight and surprise, finds out it's a murder simulation where in he stalks and knifes a man to death. Things were fun at first until a creepily identical killing shakes the neighborhood.

Confused, scared and suspicious that the game may have something to do with the recent crime, Michael refuses to play the next free installment of the game that's mysteriously delivered to his doorstep. But when a punk-attired cyber-demon named Trickster materializes in his room and threateningly persuades Michael to continue playing or be jailed for the sloppiness of his first murder, endangering not only himself but also everyone that is close to him as his paranoia and frantic behavior draw the attention of one Detective Hayden.

Tackling concepts such as manipulation, paranoia and responsibility, Brainscan is almost a slasher flick thanks to a (very) brutal murder of a sleeping man who gets repeatedly knifed and had his foot sliced off as the killer's trophy. After that, the movie slowly descends into a morality tale of murder and the consequences that go along with the crime, a concept I find quite more disturbing since the main lead and suspect (played by young Edward Furlong of the Terminator 2 fame) happens to be young. Think an episode of Goosebumps, only less campy, slightly gorier, depressing, and even a bit sleazy. (There's a snuggle scene between Furlong and a scantily clad Amy Hargreaves, also in her early teens.)

The gore count actually decreases the more the film dwells into the plot, which is a clever curve ball since it actually help focus more on the psychological side of committing murder rather than the guilty thrills of it. Though some scenes do come off more comical thanks to the inclusion of an Iggy Pop-Freddy Krueger hybrid named The Trickster, who, as his name suggests, coax our anti-hero into killing and cause unintended havoc through his neighborhood; his appearance was actually more of a minstrel than a murderous demon, and his odd behavior (cheesy dancing, eating raw chicken with mustard, etc.) doesn't really help establishing him as a threat. However, he does have a few moments where he made me feel a bit uneasy; his appearance never meant good news in a harbinger sort of manner and his unaligned nature never made him clear of his true intentions for his victim.

In the end, we never really get to understand this villain other than that he may or may not even exists outside of the game, an idea toyed around with the film's final "twist". (a possible drawback depending how you take it) But his role is enough to make him scary: he's the inner demon that exists not only inside our lead, but also in anybody who longs for horror. Real horror.

Brainscan also plays around the idea of concept vs reality; many of the scenes with Trickster in it happens only when he's alone with Michael, which puts us to question whether Michael is actually losing mind or being manipulated, which is scary considering it has a dab of realism to it. A dab since the fictional Brainscan game itself is portrayed unarguably laughable: I'm not much of a gamer (in fact, I don't own a single game console except a classic Gameboy that I broke when I was a wee lad), but did 90s games really came through a series of disks instead of one single cartridge? And since when did we had the technology to use brainwaves as the ultimate gaming console? Aren't we still working on that?

Laughable game logic aside, is Brainscan a good movie? My answer is and always will be: it depends. The film has a message. A murder allegory to be more precise, something that I find as a refreshing angle from a B-grade movie. The tacky special effects show a bit of age from the film's part and I'm sure some fans might find that distracting (not to mention the story's pacing may turn some gore-hungry viewers off) but as a whole, Brainscan is cyber-goth horror at it's best, at least for a 90s entry, and I can see why some are hailing this title a cult classic...

Bodycount:
1 female seen killed in car crash
1 male repeatedly knifed on the back, foot chopped off
1 male killed (implied)
1 male crushed by falling bricks
1 male shot to death
1 male shot
Total: 6

You Don't Wanna Be "It": TAG! The Assassination Game (1982)

TAG! The Assassination Game (1982) (AKA "Everybody Gets it in the End")
Rating: ***1/2
Starring:  Robert Carradine, Linda Hamilton and Kristine DeBell

If you would talk to me five or so years ago, I would say that any horror film killer who uses guns isn't a slasher. Little do I know back then, there's already a film that will prove me wrong and that's TAG! The Assassination Game.

In a university where stereotypes are ever present, a game of TAG (short for The Assassination Game) sweeps through the dorms as students, armed with dart guns with suckers in the end, hunt each other down for the ultimate title as the best "killer" in campus. Each students are given a target that they must "kill", who in turn must give up their target once they're hunted out of the game. New to this fad (yet surprisingly good) is one Susan Swayze, psych-major who, one night, had a close call of being a victim herself if it wasn't for the intervention of a school journalist who happens to be staying in the right place, at the right time.

Bitten by the love bug, the lover boy-paper boy makes a believable (?) excuse to hang out with the toy gun-totting hottie as a part of his article about TAG. Cue cheesy saxophone love theme, some fun scenes involving the game itself and we have a cheesy romantic comedy working here.

And then we have Gersh, a sweaty TAG-obsessed student played by pre-Re-Animator (1985) Bruce Abbot, who just happens to be the five year champion of the game. When a fluke shot had him "killed" by a lucky noob, Gresh loses it and begins playing the game with a single rule change: he'll be using a real gun. One by one, he kills off his targets and soon, it's down to just him and our lovely psych major, and the "real" fun starts...

TAG is cheesy at its fullest, but it also has the fortunate luck of being creative and fun; the plot is new for a dorm-built slasher flick, in which by using this unusual game as a backdrop gave the film it's own unique taste that made it rarely boring while the killings aren't going on. Some of the fun elements that made this film watchable includes how each TAG player go on with their hunting gimmicks, often have us going through Porkies or Revenge of the Nerds -style antics where kids are awfully carefree, weird and cheeky for campus students such as a guy who plays the game with his pet rat named Ratatoille (no joking!) and Police Academy's Michael Winslow as a student who makes the same weird noises as his character from the aforementioned comedy hit.

If that ain't enough, TAG even did some James Bond spoofs; with an opening featuring dancing ladies and silhouettes of a tuxedo-dressed gunman, and our killer dressing up from average, sweaty weirdo to a cool, suave, neat-hair cut James Bond imitation at the near end, you can tell TAG was in it for the cheddar fun.

Sadly, slasher fans often overlook this film not only because of it's obscure release, but also from the fact that the killer's weapon of choice may not strike many as a certified classic slasher choice. There's also the matter of taste, as the film never focuses on just being a straight bodycounter, but more of a University comedy with some gun-totting "slasher" on the side. Gore isn't strong since it's all gun kills, but it's fairly suspenseful, especially the cat-and-mouse chase at the end which could have ended anytime considering the loonie just has to pull a trigger.

Gun-wielding slashers may not catch on, but TAG made it work with an end product that is unique for a campy B-flick and honestly fun if it hits you in the right time. Just don't let that hit be coming from Gersh, okay?

Bodycount:
1 male shot on the head
1 male shot on the back
1 male shot on the chest
1 male shot
1 male shot, falls to his death
Total: 5

Strangling The Time Away:The Hollywood Strangler Meets The Skid Row Slasher (1979) & The Las Vegas Killer (1987) Double Bill Review

The Hollywood Strangler meets the Skid Row Slasher (1979)
Rating: *
Starring: Pierre Agostino, Carolyn Brandt and Chuck Alford

I never knew a running time of one hour can also be equivalent to, oh, I dunno, FOREVER! (dun dun duunnn!)

Hollywood Strangler (1979) is a strange exploitative grindhouse slasher flick that actually has a unique gimmick; instead of people talking, we go through the whole movie with the scenes narrated by the thoughts of our titular strangler, which turns out to be a horrible idea. Not only does this dragged the film slow whenever the killer begins to ramble around with his own thoughts, but it also degrades the whole gig once the guy starts to do in-joke voices in his head. We hear him talk, and talk, and talk, and I really want to shove a shotgun down this guy's throat just to end it all, but unfortunately, somebody beats me to it.

Now, the odd part about this film is that it also tries to add a secondary killer here, who actually serves no purpose to the plot other than the fact that the killer sees her now and then before he begins obsessing over her around the last 1/8th of the movie. Oh wait, did I just gave away the second killer's gender? Meh, doesn't matter, they show her soon enough anyways and she kills hobos! Ain't that nice. But with the strangler stranglin' and yappin with his inner voice and naked femme bodies everywhere, is there really a point to all this?

There isn't, honestly; kills are too tame and repetitive to make it any good. Not a single character is above the other. The whole story is, well, isn't a story. It's just some guy killing girls after posing as a photographer for a nudie mag or something. I'm sure you can do better with your grindhouse/drive-In flicks; unless you find bliss and tranquility with all this, I suggest you go find yourself a REAL serial killer movie instead.

Bodycount:

1 female strangled

1 female strangled

1 male gets a switchblade to the throat

1 female strangled with bathrobe

1 female smothered with pillow

1 male gets a switchblade to the throat

1 female strangled with bikini-top, drowned in hot tub

1 female strangled

1 male throat slashed with switchblade

1 female strangled

1 female strangled

1 female strangled

1 male gets a switchblade to the throat

1 female strangled

1 male dies from stab wounds

Total: 15

The Las Vegas Killer (1987)
Rating: 1/2
Starring:  Pierre Agostino, Greg Dorchak and Kathryn Downey

A "sequel" to Hollywood Strangler meets the Skid Row Slasher (1979), this "movie" hardly has anything to do with the aforementioned strangler from the first film and is about some other nut with the same MO (but played by the same actor) who got released from prison after finding no solid evidence to back the accusations against him. All the while, we got two sunglasses-wearing shmucks who are in a bag-snatching/robbery spree, prowling around Las Vegas for easy money. Of course, we have to be fateful to the title and place our crazed strangler in Sin City.

But again, much like the previous movie, the two central "characters" never meet through out the story until the last act and, even by then, there's not much to celebrate about. They even try to do the "the end?" gag as if the people behind this movie thinks this stinker's gonna sell like hot cakes on a blue Volkswagen and make enough moolah to make another sequel! I don't think so! I mean, what was the fucking deal of this whole movie? Artistic license? Shlocky entertainment? Anything? Nope! Nothing artsy about watching people sightseeing in Las Vegas without uttering a single word. Yes, both killer and Snatch-o brothers doesn't utter a word for the majority of the running time and I think it's fair play to say there's little to no entertainment to be found from that! In Living Color's Fire Marshall Bill is more entertaining than this and all he has to do is say his famous catchphrase and chuck his own gizzards out! More fun than watching a man strangle random floozies with little or no inspiration, or follow two thieves in their adventures through Las Vegas which apparently includes a pizza dinner for two...

Cuz frying yer own brains is a healthier alternative
compared to this movie!

LEMME TELL YOU SOMETHING! This movie is a joke. Don't waste a minute of yer time with this. You're better off watching other trash classics than this. Now, would you excuse me, I have a date with a soap and a rope...

Bodycount:
1 female strangled
1 female strangled
1 female strangled
1 female strangled
1 female strangled
1 female strangled
1 female strangled
1 female strangled
1 female strangled
1 female strangled
1 male shot
Total: 11

Everybody's on PCP!: Home Sweet Home (1981)

Home Sweet Home (AKA "Slasher in the House") (1981)
Rating: **
Staring: Jake Steinfeld, Vinessa Shaw and Peter De Paula

In the first few minutes, PCP-injecting mental patient Jay Jones escapes a loonie bin, kills a good guy offering him beer and run over an old lady during a red light. This badly acted yet attention-grabbing opening is soon followed by an even more atrociously-acted family gathering of nine, which includes a teenage KIZZ member wannabe named "Mistake". (You got that right, movie) Now, what makes this a bit of a joy to watch is that these casts are unbelievably stupid; I mean really, these morons seem to forget a lot of things such as wine, generator fuel and even peas(!), unshockingly giving them a reason to go out and, well, be killed off by a giggling Mr. Jones who happens to have randomly targeted them for his killing spree. Rinse, repeat.

Home Sweet Home (1981) isn't exactly the kind of film where you have to be very smart to enjoy. The way I see it, it's the very definition of a B-flick horror abortion, only funnier depending on how well you can take your cheese coz this movie's full of it. One cliché to another, I've never seen a slasher flick where everything goes wrong in a household and not a single guy or gal goes a little suspicious that the phone, power, fuel and, oh, people seems to be disappearing on them. No, they pretty much go on with their little "thanksgiving party" as if everything's fine. And by the time they finally begin to notice these weird on-goings, they blame it on Mistake. Yes, you heard me. They blame that freak while they're the ones who paid very little attention on the fact that none of the other guys come home yet. Then again, I wouldn't blame them for fabricating a story that would lead to the little shmuck's possible incarceration cuz he's annoying as heck. And I mean annoying. In every possible scene of his.

With zero suspense and scares, and not one character worthy of being likable (not even the killer...), the one thing left for me to check is this film's kills and, well, I wouldn't say they're bad. Just very standard slasher murders only made funnier (for me) seeing that they're committed by a bulked-up bodybuilder whose scariest face is synonymous to that of a man experiencing constipation, or that they're executed with some level of strangeness: one guy gets crushed underneath the hood of his jeep and his body's reaction was to pulls its legs up high steadily before limping down, while another pleads the life for his lover in exchange of playing his guitar for the killer. (You know damn well who this one was)

There's no word to define the strangeness this movie have, I'll tell you that; Home Sweet Home (1981) lacks the making of a true slasher classic, but if cheese is what you're hungry for, then I'm glad to tell you that I have some goudah left in my fridge, you can have it if you want. Just remember that it might go well with some bread, a couple of brewskies and perhaps this movie. Pop this flick right in your VCR/DVD/Blue-ray/whatever you have hooked-up and running on your TV and just let the corny horror sink in. If it hits you right, you might like what you see. If not, well, may Mistake be with you!

Bodycount:
1 male strangled
1 elderly female hit with car
1 male had his head crushed with car hood
1 male garroted with necklace
1 female slammed her head on a rock
1 female stabbed to death with broken bottle
1 female knifed on the chest
1 male electrocuted on chair
1 male had his throat cut with knife
Total: 9

DUN DUN DUN!