Saturday, September 27, 2014

It Seams A Little Tired: The Seamstress (2009)

The Seamstress (Canada, 2009)
Rating: *
Starring:  Kailin See, David Kopp, James Kirk
Uh, yeah, we know what revenge means.
It's in almost EVERY slasher movie ever made!

Take everything you know about backwood slashers/monster feature (as in teens in the woods having sex for fun dying one by one), put in a floaty J-Horror-like ghost with needles for fingertips and weapons as our bad guy, and one uninteresting mystery involving a teen girl looking for some answers to why her dad suddenly changed personality and later disappears in said woods (obvious answer, he's involved some way with the villain's current supernatural state) and you get The Seamstress, a rather uninspiring mess that tries to do an effort to create a possible new face of horror but fails to.

Why? Characterization, flow and plot. The cast weren't exactly terrible, but the characters they play were as flat as flapjacks and barely stood up in anyway except that a couple there was newly engaged and another had some sort of tired love-triangle with the main gal. Our protagonist, even, was laughable in her current semi-depressed state; played by Kailin See from Decoys 2: The Second Seduction, she makes an early statement that she really meant business in her mystery-solving hoo-ha by readily accusing and yelling at one of the townfolks pointed out to had last seen her dad, calling him a murderer the moment she saw him. Yeah, so much for rooting for our heroes.

To salt our wounds, the movie runs for 76 minutes but it took about 45 before they get the action going. In media res, we are treated to witness an "offscreen" torture session of the town's local sheriff as he mutilates a possible vigilante who, like Kailin See's character's father, may have something to do with The Seamstress. And with her being said, this monster wasn't even all that terrifying, intriguing or even memorable. She comes out being an amalgamation of the Tooth Fairy from Darkness Falls and Sadako Yamamura/Samara Morgan from The Ring series, with a whispery voice and armed with needles which she uses to sew people's eyes shut as well as a stabbing weapon (I'm aware how small it is but she made it work), but has the unfortunate luck of having an origin story-slash-motive that's really worn out for our standards. (And yet the script tries to make it look like as if this is all new and unique.)

The end result is a tirade of tired backwoods shenanigans and vengeful ghost cliches. No cast to care for, no villain to root for and definitely no twist to shock us. Production has some quality but the flashy editing and CG effects shows how much was spent, and judging from what I've seen, not enough to make The Seamstress work at all.

1 male buried down the neck, tortured to death
1 male found dead with his eyes sewn shut
1 female thrown to a bonfire
1 female stabbed on the neck with a needle
1 male murdered offcamera
1 male stabbed on the chest with a needle, fell down a well
1 male shot on the face
Total: 7


  1. And in a possible sequel, she'll cut her own hand off, and replace it with a sewing machine.