Cybercrime That ain't worth Time: Cam2Cam (2014)

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Cam2Cam (2014) (AKA "C2C, Darknet")

Rating: *1/2
Starring: Tammin Sursok, Ben Wiggins, Sarah Bonrepaux

Slasher movies involving cyberspace are not the likeliest bunch to really work out there. At least, not without getting some criticisms on their attempt to mix our modern social elements with something as cliched as bodycount horror films.

Still, sometimes it's all in the delivery: CRY_WOLF (what could be considered as the earliest example of these films) has a watchable direction despite its lack of real sizable killcount, 2009's Chain Letter got the gore going in favor over a cheesy plot, and perhaps 2013's The Den might be the only title to make this slasher variation creepier than it should be! But of course, with the likes of others like Smiley (2012) and iMurders, there will always be flawed ones and Cam2Cam sadly falls in with these clutter.

Taking place in Thailand, we begin with a lengthy scenario involving a woman, alone in her cheap apartment, playing tease with another woman at a video chat site. What started as a kinky play soon escalates to a vulgar and creepy conversation, and it's a tad too late to back out now as our girl notices her chatmate was stripping while the message was being typed and whoever it was on the other side of the site knew what she is doing. (Think the opening for Scream, with less star power and more cybertalk)

The woman's geeky-looking neighbor shows up, supposedly checking on her until he reveals that all of this is his doing, viciously beheading her after a lengthy monologue about how he's tired of being treated as shit by women.

A few weeks later, we now follow Allie (Pretty Little Liar's Tammin Sursok), a visiting student who wanted to party hard in Thailand while she takes a year off campus. She finds a place to stay in a dirty looking apartment complex and she befriends a group of highly accented English-speaking foreigners who, after some night of partying, introduces her Cam2Cam, a paysite where people can buy time to watch other people do the sickest and the most bizarre sexual deviancy over the web.

Note, the apartments and the site were the same ones from the opening kill so if this is to say anything, we can easily tell these kids may have something to do with the murder but just about half an hour into the movie, our killer suddenly kills himself by jumping unto an incoming truck, thus thickening our plot into something unexpected.

Or will it?

The problem with Cam2Cam was, after the killer commits suicide, it all went downhill: with little to no characters to care for thanks to the bland development of both the story and cast. The movie turns into a chore of a watch where the twists can be seen from a mile afar and a lack of atmosphere just made it dull to the very bone. The sadder part was that this tile felt like it never reached at least half of its full potential, with the lack of blood making it too dry for a slasher fanatic, the twists are too obvious and messy for mystery fans, and the scares too cliched to impress a horror junkie.

Honestly, the only thing that worked here was the opening, even if we can easily tell that the scenario smelled trouble the moment we notice the supposed live feed looping and the chats type themselves. All the goodness of a slasher thriller was molded on that first fifteen minutes alone and soon to be exploited uselessly for the next hour (yes, this film's running time was a short one. Felt longer, though.)

I can also see this is trying to capture the dark and grimey underworld of Asia (which is always ugly no matter how you look at it. I should know, I live in one!) but the exploitation angle limps uncomfortably if this is the only support the producers were aiming for to rally up the rest of the movie. You ought to think I should be used to this kind of trash by now but let me tell you this: there's redeemable trash and then there's utter garbage. Cam2Cam's overflowing flaws that outnumbered the good threw it straight into the garbage heap.

Obviously, I'm not too impressed. I'll subject myself to the dreaded Chain Letter and/or Smiley over this anytime.

Bodycount:
1 female beheaded with hatchets
1 male ran over by a truck
1 female found beheaded
1 male hacked to death with a hatchet
1 male hacked on the back with a hatchet
Total: 5

Threesome Terrors: Murder University (2012)

Murder University (2012)
Rating: ***
Starring: Samantha Acampora, David Adams Murphy, Dave Almeida

Some of the box art for this film shows a rather grim and serious shot of a victim cowering before somebody with an axe; little do some suckers know that, though there is a maniac with an axe (actually, three maniacs!), Murder University is anything but serious and grim, that is until the final half hour.

Taking place in a fictional Greensboro College in 1983, Josh is a freshman who just couldn't fit in with the weird and hokey people around campus, probably because he's the son of somebody with a bit of history there. All things go for the worse when he gets captured by a trio of masked cult murderers and witnessed some slayings. 

Josh survives the ordeal after finding a chance to escape his captors and is forced to team-up with a detective who's on this case for quite some time and, too, his daughter who obviously took quite a liking to Josh the moment they met. As the kill count rises to double digits, it's only a matter of time before this trio of unlikely company finds the truth behind these killings, with a twist that comes rather offbeat and dark.

Murder University resembles a Troma movie minus the crude gross-outs and more on the weird; Jamie DuFault's character Josh may as well be the only normal guy around and he's getting into a lot of trouble just for being one. His roommate's a dorky looking ladiesman who wears "I'm a Virgin" shirts and works in stripper bars, his professor profanes as a part of his teaching regime, and we all can't help but feel that every student and staff in this university are out to get our lead guy, even if some of them were meant to help him. More or less, the lack of any serious character here did kinda help us root for our lead as he is the only one with some real sense around, which also makes the sudden grim turn in the last third of the movie quite effective.

In fact, while I'm not too keen with the kind of humor Murder University's approaching, I love the fact they kept the slasher/horror elements as straight as possible, even delving into the thrill once in a while thanks to the healthy helping of chase scenes. The kills are sort of repetitive, unfortunately, limited to a series of axe hackings and beheading, with only a slight chance for the killers to get creative and pick something else as a murder weapon. (And when they did, it disappointingly shown as a black and white video shown to taunt our leads) Still, the lack of CG in these murders is a nice touch, staying true to the 80s heydays that this movie is taking tribute to.

Then there are the technical aspects; camerawork and lighting has this giallo-esque take with candy tinting and editing done away with grained details. It's picturesque and fitting to the supposed decade the story takes place in, remarkable seeing how fair the budget was.

But what really impressed me about Murder University is its unpredictability; right in the beginning we're treated to something we didn't quite see coming from your classic a group of opening victims and these unusual twists venture further into the movie as unexpected character deaths and changes swarmed crucial moments with enough shock factor to keep this low-budget gem memorable in its best. May it fail to provide a workable comedy element, the movie still have a fair amount of pros to at least make a satisfying viewing. It could have been worthier should the directing kept the entire thing a "straight" 80s slasher tribute but, as even the dumbest flick out there would have their own following, Murder University will definitely have its own.

Bodycount:
1 male knifed on the gut
1 male head found
1 female beheaded with an axe
1 female hacked on the chest with an axe
1 female decapitated with an axe
1 male murdered offcamera, heart cut out
1 female had her throat cut until beheaded with a knife
1 female decapitated with an axe
1 female ran over by a truck, hacked with axes
1 male gets a throat cut with a knife (flashback)
1 female slashed to death with a knife (flashback)
1 female beheaded with an axe
1 male scalped with a kitchen knife
1 male had his crown sliced off with an axe
1 male killed offcamera
1 male found mutilated
1 female beheaded with an axe
1 female shot
1 male found gutted
1 female knifed on the gut (film)
1 female shot on the head (film)
1 male smothered with a plastic bag (film)
1 male had his neck broken
1 male had his neck broken
1 male axed on the gut
1 male gets an axe-pick to the head
1 male axed on the gut
1 male shot
Total: 28

Don't Go And See: The Movie House Massacre (1984)

The Movie House Massacre (1984) (AKA "Blood Theatre")
Rating: *
Starring: Mary Woronov, Jenny Cunningham, Jonathan Blakely

From the mastermind who brought us the atrocious Hobgoblins (1988) comes this unlikely 80s slasher entry which may as well be a fine example of how the sub-genre was losing its cool in the latter part of that decade.

Opening act; some sweaty looking theater manager goes around the joint searching for his lover and eventually finds her cuddling with another guy. Distraught from what he just saw, sweaty guy sets one of the film reels on fire backstage and, well, gassed his patrons to death. (You would think a roll of film (which is mostly nitrate) would ignite at this point and set the building ablaze but no, all we see is a theater smoking up in a minute and a bunch of people lying on the floor, supposedly dead. Also, sweaty theater manager knifed the ticket lady to death just for the heck of it.)

Fast forward some years later, the seedy manager of the equally seedy Spotlite Theaters is expanding to their eleventh location, which so happens to be the same movie house where the opening massacre occurred. (of course) He sends three of his employees to spiffy up the place so they can have it ready for the grand opening night, without pretty much telling them of the place's history.

Don't ask why he didn't. I was busy chanting a mantra for myself to finish the film and do a fair review here just for you blokes and gals, so I may have missed it. All I know is that there was a promised $1000 bonus on their paycheck, so a projectionist, his girlfriend and some random guy who barely did anything (all of them teenagers) agree to help. Soon, they start experiencing spooky things like doors suddenly locking up, stuffs flipping over, smoke coming out of nowhere, and there's an old guy in a tux and a knife killing random teens that goes inside the theater for God knows what reason.

This is as far as the plot goes for clarity and it's kinda all there is to it. The actual execution of the movie have more "random unfunnies" that fail miserably, inexcusably outrageous cheesy characters, blood-dry death scenes (one guy gets beheaded and there's hardly any blood spurting out of those stumps) and countless plot holes that really (and I mean really) show no one knows what exactly is going on with this movie.

There are scenes that could have been (or was) intentionally hilarious but with the overall tone of the movie and the badly acted parts? Yeah, nothing kills a gut-busting laugh faster than overcooked (or undercooked) performances sided with a zero budget production. Heck, you can tell how desperate this movie was to top whatever slasher title popular then when they decided to suddenly give our killer supernatural powers even if the opening act barely made any indication for such a thing. For all we know it could be the ghosts of his victims haunting the place but they appear to be assisting their killer so I'm not too hot for that explanation myself. Even with this "development", The Movie House Massacre (1984) hardly lived by its title with most of the murdering happening offcamera (or hardly seen due to the lighting. Again, zero budget) and, well, it's just too silly to satisfy a blood crave. (A victim died sliding down against a wall while some supernatural wind blew at her. Must be death by ghostly orgasm.)

Incompetent, unsatisfying and simply shit, The Movie House Massacre (1984) is that one kind of movie you just have to see to know how bad it is. So bad that many tried to keep their sanity by pretending this is a slasher spoof; might have worked a lot better that way but, again, it's not even "so-bad-it's-funny" funny. With no shred of excitement, originality and at least a single working element to go by, just take our word for it and leave this slob alone unless you're to poke fun at it.

Bodycount:
1 female knifed to death
A number of people seen dead (by fire, smoke or whatever explanation you can come up with)
1 female knifed
1 female knifed to death
1 female killed offscreen
1 female knifed to death
1 female cooked inside a popcorn machine (dream)
1 female killed offcamera
1 male electrocuted against a projector
1 male beheaded
1 female killed (by sliding down against a wall)
1 male knifed on the back
Total: 11+

Least I could use this screencap for something...

The One Boll Didn't Direct: Seed 2: The New Breed (2014)

Seed 2: The New Breed (US/Canada, 2014) (AKA "Blood Valley: Seed's Revenge")
Rating: **
Starring: Natalie Scheetz, Nick Principe, Caroline Williams

Why on Earth would anyone be interested in doing this? I mean come on, did Uwe Boll's film Seed really needed a follow-up? With almost little to no horror junkies out there supporting that movie, where is the point of marketing a franchise surrounding a film so utterly unlikable and pathetic even for a trashy horror film?

I guess if someone else would direct it, the film could work, so let's all thank the gods that this was the case; Boll only acted as the producer for Seed 2: The New Breed and handed the directorial job to Marcel Walz, a German director who apparently had done a lot of horror films which I've never seen or heard of before. (Not that I'm ashamed of that fact. I do have a life outside horror!)

Here, we follow four bachelorettes driving through the desert after their party last night but only to meet some strange fellows along the way before being stranded due to a dead car engine. Around this time, a mysterious police woman offered her help to them but unknown to the girls, she's simply leading them to meet a good friend of hers: Max Seed, the star murderer of our prior movie.

I will say that the only good thing these Seed films seem to do is that they come up with some pretty shocking (and sometimes disturbing) scenes; the first did this by showing us real black-and-white footages of a fox hunters abusing and skinning foxes alive, had a part where a baby is starved to death and, perhaps its most notorious, show us a lengthy scene where a chair-tied woman was bludgeoned to death with a hammer. (which is, as unflinchingly mean-spirited it is, done away in CG) Sadly, as shocking as these scenes are, the empty plot vouched nothing for the first movie, making it a rather pointless bodycounter which sole purpose is to upset us blood, gore and violence. Seed 2 is nothing different; it's still a messy, plotless dreck that seems to be a mix of 2003's The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and 2006's The Hills Have Eyes reboots, only it does the tension play a little better and it's hardly boring.

Perhaps the interesting bit about Seed 2 is that decided to do a non-linear plot flow similar to Tarantino's classic crime thriller Pulp Fiction, where, starting from the second act, scenes are jumbled as we see victims killed, injured or left alive in one moment but seen alive later otherwise. It's like a huge puzzle where we get to piece things together and once we do...

uh, well, not much really.

As mentioned before, Seed 2 is still generically plotless, with its gimmicky time-jump story-telling the only thing that made the tension working for it. It's no different from the other misogynistic new age slasher/torture porn hybrids out there, with a "big" reveal that, while it ties this film with the first, isn't really all that amazing. (Honestly, the movie could still function without this twist) There's grit in its kills and torture awaits for each victim (thanks to the effects work of Ryan "Gutterballs (2008)" Nicholson), but some of the elements just don't go too well. (There's some religious mumbo going on with our killers, which is strange considering there's no hint of Max Seed being a religious nut in the first.)

Not gonna lie, this is "sort-of" an improvement from the first, but I'm not too hot for this franchise yet. Maybe if they try something a little deeper without boring us to death (or, as I like to put it in my own terms, "Boll-ing it"), I might give consider another Seed movie a go. For now, Seed 2 is trash, but its a considerably watchable trash.

Bodycount: (in chronological order)
1 female had her neck crushed
1 male stabbed on the neck with a rail spike
1 male disemboweled with a kitchen knife, strangled with his own innards
1 female shot on the groin
1 female shot on the head
1 male bludgeoned with a hammer
1 female gets a broken neck
1 male had his throat cut with a machete
Total: 8

Random Art Post: Today I Love...

Guardians of The Galaxy. (Especially Rocket Raccoon)

Is it Blasphemy to say I think this movie is SUPERIOR to The Avengers? Well, maybe. I'll probably get stoned for saying that but meh, I LOVE this movie! Best Marvel Movie Since the first The Amazing Spiderman!

Art (c) Mine. No Stealy Please!

O.D. phone home: Brain Damage (1988)

Brain Damage (1988)
Rating: ****1/2
Starring: Rick Hearst, Gordon MacDonald, Jennifer Lowry

Are we to consider a movie revolving around an alien brain-eater that looks like a talking turd a slasher? Well, even in my book I'm questioning the credibility of this film to be reviewed here but nevertheless, said alien is sentient enough to know what he is doing and that's a fitting factor to a classic horror killer so, what the heck!? Least the little guy knows how to give us a splashing good time!

Written and directed by the obscure body horror aficionado Frank Henenlotter (of the Basket Case trilogy), Brain Damage starts inside a New York apartment where a middle age couple gleefully prepares some fresh animal brains for someone-or something- named Aylmer. However, they discover that whatever's supposed to be feeding on these brains has escaped their apartment, putting the couple on a storm of a fit, thrashing their place as they search for it.

One floor below them lies Brian, a young man who just recently let go of his date since he's feeling a little under the weather. By the time he is all alone in his apartment, he suddenly goes through an acid trip that sort of improved his condition and soon discovers that Aylmer, a smooth talking, John Zacherle-voiced alien slug, has chosen as his new companion and injected him on the nape with a highly-addictive blue juice that heightened Brian's senses. Now hooked on the juice, Brian willingly lets Aylmer hang around and inject his strange liquid again before storming out into the streets, experiencing his own personal the light and sound show.

But all is not without its price; Aylmer eats brains to survive and the fresher it is, the better. And with Brian's addiction for the juice taking over his life, he now has no choice but to provide this alien his much preferred food source in exchange for a fix.

Not much of a slasher channeling the likes of Friday the 13th (1980) or Halloween (1978), Brain Damage is a horror film morality tale showing the dangers of drug use and addiction. Aylmer's first conversation with Brian hints this theme pretty early as the slug's inviting voice and promises of a worry-free life without any form of drawback sounded too good to be true, and this further escalates to a full parallel when Brian tries to withdraw from the juice, only for him to end up so distressed and twitchy that he started to see things and grows weak, physically, mentally and emotionally. It's really uneasy and the comparison works so well, something I find very impressive coming from a B-Flick.

On that note, the great thing about this film is that it is not that preachy with the subject and it doesn't forget that it is still a cheesy horror movie; gore is delightfully red in true Henenlotter fashion, mixed in with a good amount of weirdness and sexual undertones like that one phallic kill that becomes so memorable for its unusual and unexpected nature. The city is yet again shown to be the perfect backdrop for a plot revolving around unhealthy addiction, a similar taste done for the first Basket Case film and his horror-comedy Frankenhooker. Acting is variable, which is uncommon for low budget films like this but Rick Hearst certainly did well on portraying our troubled addict, showing a range of emotions and acting from the silliest to the deeply unsettling. Of course, there's also the movie's main attraction, Aylmer, portrayed as an animatronic puppet with an impressive design and mechanism with Zacherle's voice acting that gave this creature the life and (infamous) fame he is known for around the hardcore horror community, a quite likable character of flair despite the threat that he poses once we accept his little offer.

Perhaps the director's best horror movie by my experience and enjoyment, coming from the fact that with so little budget, he managed to pull off something this weird yet complexly deep, Brain Damage is a must see and own for not only slasher addicts who are open to accept the more curious types of maniacs out there, but also horror fanatics in general. Nothing does a good scare and a few laughs than this 80s gem, especially if you're the clean type!

Bodycount:
1 male had his brains eaten by an alien slug
1 female had her brains eaten from her mouth by an alien slug
1 male had his brains eaten by an alien slug
1 female had her brains eaten from her mouth by an alien slug
1 female had her brains eaten by an alien slug
1 male dies from his head wound
1 alien slug crushed to death
1 male shot on the head
Total: 8

A man with a Wicker Basket. Seems familiar?

Beware The Clowns: The Camp Blood Trilogy Review

Camp Blood (1999)

Rating: **

Starring:  Jennifer Ritchkoff, Michael Taylor, Tim Young

No, we are not gonna talk about Friday the 13th's Camp Crystal Lake's nickname here. Instead, we're gonna look into another killer-in-the-woods type with a low budget, bad acting and a murderer in a suit that really stands out from a backwoods slasher. Seriously, why the heck is he wearing a clown mask? That ain't outdoors-esque!

Well, whatever gimmick this maniac have in mind, it's sure worked enough to gain campfire boogeyman status as four campers and their butch lesbian guide gets a fair warning from a doomsayer they meet along the way, claiming the "legendary" killer clown is real. Right, we've been down this road for a couple of times so it's no shock that one of their friends is later found cooked in their bonfire the next morning. How nobody noticed the smell of burnt meat is beyond me but no sooner after they decided to book it for dear life, the infamous clown arrives to make butcheries out of them.

Camp Blood could work as a cheesy fondue of everything you know about slashers (mostly the backwoods type like the obvious inspiration, Friday the 13th) without making much of an effort. The acting is horrible for everybody and the camerawork is amateur at its near fullest, this title might come off as insulting for many (and I completely understand them) but any pros to come out of this mess would be the even pacing and the nostalgia-inducing low quality doing probable goods for the right audience, perhaps with a  "so-bad-it's effin-hilarious" charm.

Though I'm no fan of the film, I do come to appreciate the movie's attempts to be a simple and fun slasher made to entertain trashy folks. Obviously not for just anyone so watch at your own risk!

Bodycount:
1 male ran through the chest with a machete
1 female hacked to death with a machete
1 male beheaded with a machete
1 male slaughtered with a machete offscreen
1 male had his shoulder chopped with a machete (flashback)
1 female slashed with a machete (flashback)
1 male hacked on the head with a machete
1 female stabbed on the gut with a hunting knife
1 male had his neck broken
1 male hacked to death with a machete
1 female ran over by a car

Total: 11

Camp Blood 2 (2000)

Rating: **

Starring: Jennifer Ritchkoff, Garrett Clancy, Missy Rae Hansen

Following up from the unfortunate events of the previous installment, fate of our lone survivor now hangs on her retracing everything that happened prior so she can prove herself completely sane and wasn't responsible for the death of nine victims. All the while, she shares these events with a low-budget director who's planning on doing a movie based on the killings, with a gimmick on using the possible murder suspect as a guide of sorts to make sure this film is as accurate as possible. What they didn't expect is that the clown, or someone donning as the clown, has returned to do more killings, targeting staffs and actors alike.

No means any better but I do saw some improvements; for starters, the story has a nice touch of complexity, straying a bit away from the bare-bone "kids go to the woods then die" set-up to create at least some depth and situation for some of its characters. Of course, this being a cheap direct-to-video concoction, the rest of the casts are one-dimensional, simply there to be meat, and the plot is tainted with enough hamminess and holes to start someone's boiling point.

Still, I could give further points up from the fact that this sequel feels like a parody of low-budget production, stabbing at the cliches, troubles and joys of making a home-made horror film. It's this take on the plot that got me following, but not entirely enjoying, this franchise, hoping to see further improvements in each film.

Gore-wise, Camp Blood 2 didn't shy away from the machete kills and it is bloodier in comparison. The killer still dons the cheap black gear and mask combo, though the clown mold is noticeably different. (Not that it matters anyway) Apart from these pros, there's nothing else to say for the rest except that it's pretty much your average garden-grown SOV horror.

Still lacking any real sense of dread but fluidly paced, Camp Blood 2 is a sequel nobody asked for but exists anyway to satisfy whatever number of fans the first gathered with it's cheapness and cheesy production. Again, not for everyone but if you're willing to waste a good hour and minutes to watch a horror movie set being terrorized by a wanker in a clown mask, be my guest!

Bodycount:
1 female found with throat cut
1 male ran through the chest with a machete
1 female knifed to death
1 male hacked to death with a machete
1 male hacked to death with a machete
1 female ran through the head with a machete
1 male gets a machete to the head
1 male gets his throat cut with a machete
1 male hacked on the back with a machete, stabbed on the eye with a broken bottle
1 female hacked to death with a machete
Total: 10

Within the Woods (2005)
Rating: **
Starring: Athena Demos, Alex Gordon, Janelle Herrera

More of a retelling of the first with a new set of characters and a much more fluid modern look, Within The Woods follows a reality show producer who plans to use the legend of the Camp Blood Clown as a motif. And as if his cue was called in, the Clown, or someone donning the clown, pops up to do bodily dismemberment to each and everyone involved in the set. The thing about this is that it took quite a bit before the clown shows up to butcher the contestants (a few deadly casualties did got in the way for an added kill count) and we did have some feeble attempts to deepen the characters, as well as re-telling of the Camp Blood Clown story. (covering events of the two prior entries) Once these kids wake up for the next morning, they discover some of their friends are missing and/or dead, and soon we repeat the run-stalk-kill last third of the first movie with a familiar twist.

So it's nothing more but the same old stuff, Within The woods' only improvement is that it looks a little better, there were some actual plot direction and a better set of talents. It's still bad, but watchable as a campy slasher that, like the first, was made to entertain the simple folks with a standard horror story, some awfully big plot holes and really cheap kills.

Not much else to say, Within The Woods is quite forgettable but a fair swing nevertheless. See it if you want but you're not gonna lose much either if you decided to skip this.

Bodycount:
1 male had his throat cut with a machete
1 female hacked with a machete
1 female slashed with a machete
1 male pushed to an upright branch, impaled through the head
1 female murdered, later found with throat cut (story)
1 male slashed with a machete (story)
1 male stabbed to death with a buck knife
1 female seen dead at the foot of a cliff (?)
1 male gets a thrown machete through the gut
1 female slashed with a machete
1 female electrocuted via current
Total: 11 (?)