A Clunky Zombie's Night Out: Jonah Lives (2012)

Boys and girls, it's that time again!

In today's episode, we look into the religious life of being a dumb ass and the consequences of not knowing how to handle one undead. For now I present to you...

Jonah Lives (2012)
Rating: 0
Starring:  Brinke Stevens, Jocelyn Padilla, Ryan Boudreau

Now, here is one thing I notice about slasher movies: the reason why a group of teens get slaughtered by a single killer is because they always split up, leaving one or two victims alone and ripe for the killer's picking. It's a dumb move to begin with given their situation, which is why many of us root for said killer cuz, let's face it, some of these people aren't going to contribute much in the future. (except, maybe, legalize marijuana or something)

So with this said, humor me this: we got six teenagers in a basement and a non-runner, non-flesh munching zombie skulking the basement hall. Count it again, six teenagers. Against one zombie that doesn't eat meat and walks around like a rusted robot. And five of these teenagers died at the end of the film.

Is this how dumb movie victims are getting nowadays?

Jonah Lives tells the story of six teenagers who decided to hang out in their friend's basement while their parents and other grownups have a livelier party of their own in the house. Growing bored of playing poker, they further exploit their stupidity by playing with an Ouija board in hopes of talking to a spirit. All of this happening while one of them kept bitching about how messed up this is going to be cuz they'll be dealing with "devil stuff", making me, a sort-of Christian, embarrassed of the religion I grew up with and further forcing me to accept religious skepticism.

Their board picked up the spirit of one Hanoj Jonah, a man who was recently murdered by his money-hungry wife. Jonah tells them that he wanted revenge so he crawled out of his grave and lumbers his way to the party, to start killing off the kids because of...revenge?

I'm not even sure if Jonah is all that focused on this revenge scheme; I mean seriously, why is he killing the teenagers when halfway to the film, it was revealed that one of the character's mum, who happens to be at the party upstairs, was the one who killed Jonah and took his moolah. Further more, our dead guy seems to notice this but spends the film up until the last act, chasing these teenagers and killing them. Is he murdering the teenagers for disturbing his eternal sleep, or was he really just that pissed off for being dead that he can't tell who's guilty or not?

This isn't the only problem of Jonah Lives; the characters themselves are established to be religious in some way and yet, this never went anywhere except for that one guy who refused to play. Strangely enough, he was the first to go! So were the producers trying to make them likable cuz they're holy and shit? So when they die we feel for them? Well, it doesn't work! Apart from their implied holiness, they're still bland, annoying, lacking any real personality, and above all, dumb.

Again, six teenagers, against a clunky zombie. I guess I can understand that the first guy has to bite it since he didn't saw ole Jonah coming. What were the rest's excuse? Five against one zombie! Which they outran more than once! Heck, they even got as far as go to the basement door before the site of the zombie spooked them back into running! Seriously, I will be freaked out too when I see my first zombie! I would have ran as well but these guys saw it more than once, you ought they would have wise up and thought up a plan to CUT the zombie's head off! (they got tools in that basement and not one of them thought of picking one up!)

So with all of these religious mumbo-jumbo and teenagers that are perfect candidate for the Darwin Horror Awards, is there at least something good Jonah Lives offered? Seeing this is the director's first film, not really: editing is "music video inspired" in a lack of a better term, the special effects are cheap, the story is dull and outrageous, the acting is overdone, Jonah's make-up looked too clean to be scary, pacing is terrible, what else can I say? It belongs right up to my bottomless bottom where I shall digest it in pain and excruciatingly shit out because that is precisely what this film is and just did!

I might be a little harsh about this film as it is, after all, a directorial debut. These new directors are trying so hard to make their slashers unique that they're overdoing it and the result is anything but fun. Jonah Lives? Shove it back to the grave! If you guys want a religiously themed slasher flick, I recommend End of the Line or Bloody Bloody Bible Camp for that matter. least these titles are focused...

Bodycount:
1 male bludgeoned with a baseball bat
1 male suffers an asthma attack
1 male bashed on the head with a sledgehammer
1 female had her neck bitten open
1 male had an arm lopped off with a shovel, brained
1 female killed offscreen
Total: 6