Thursday, October 17, 2019

Ain't Nothing Great Here: Pumpkins (2018)

Pumpkins (United Kingdom, 2018)
Rating: 1/2
Starring: Dani Thompson, Craig Edwards, Maria Lee Metheringha

What rubbish.

Shite here is about a farmer who obsesses over his pumpkin patch and with the help of his live-in niece, has been creating some sort of pumpkin growth formula which he regularly sprays over his gourds. One day, a pair of wannabe punks have nothing to do so they opted to do the douchey thing of Sharpie-ing doodles on the pumpkins, an act so heinous that it freaked the old fart into a heart attack, upturning a canister of pumpkin growth formula as he falls to the dirt.

Next thing you know, the formula somehow gave the pumpkins sentience, one of them latching unto the farmer's body and transforming/resurrecting him into a pumpkin-headed killer. Niece sees what his uncle becomes and is rather okay with it (?!), so much so that she even gave him a knife and unleashed the freak to the country side so it can continue murdering random folks, from campers and wilderness survival class to boozed up hicks and few other unnamed casualties.

Oh, and I think it's Halloween because...pumpkins.

I can tell there's some imagination put into writing for Pumpkins (2018), especially seeing that the gourd-headed killer isn't the only threat in the film and little meat-eating Jack-o-lanterns gets a Critters (1986)-inspired treatment as they menace some of the victims, but the direction put into the film is just a dreck from beginning to start.

Like most low-budget shot-on-video atrocities, Editing is obviously cut-and-paste, scored with a soundtrack that attempts to be vintage but more or less ends up sounding "aged" in a barely appreciated way. Acting is a lot to be desired for just about anyone on screen here and so goes to the script they have to utter out much to our dismay, making the already lean "killer in the woods" story a tedious one to watch with hardly anything rewarding to pay us back. And what I meant by that is that the kills are mostly done offscreen, gore effects are a joke and the killer pumpkin man fails to be threatening. Or funny. Or oddly interesting. Or matter in regards to existing as they didn't even get to go through a worthwhile climax because there isn't any. (If there was, I couldn't tell. Or was the killer just walking away the climax? In case it was, that's how bland this travesty is so, yes, nothing rewarding)

If the kills and attacks have gone through more effort, or at least have the story balance out its ideas of having both a humanoid killer and ravaging killer Autumn gourds, Pumpkins (2018) could have been a fun, silly slasher/creature feature hybrid that is at least worth a small rent fee. But alas, even as another low-end throwaway horror film, it sucks.

1 male doused with acidic spit
1 male stabbed through the groin with a hunting knife
1 male found decapitated
1 female knifed to death offcamera, later seen beheaded
1 male killed offcamera, method unknown
1 male knifed through the throat
1 female knifed to death
1 male stabbed on the gut with a pitchfork
1 female hacked to death with an axe
1 male had his head crushed
1 male had an arm chopped off with an axe, killed
1 female gets a thrown axe to the back

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