Santa Isn't Real (2023)
Rating: *1/2
Starring: Kaya Coleman, Scarlett Sperduto, Dana Millican
Now, I know myself to be patient enough to sit through a good slowburn horror flick given that the story and its characters are decently engaging, making the entire stroll to the inevitable horrors worth its while. Sadly, I didn't feel the same kind of patience nor was I all that entertained with this killer Santa offering.
The film opens with a young woman named Nikki (Kaya Coleman) spending her Christmas alone with a glass of egg-nog when, seemingly, none other than Santa himself decided to give her a visit and instead of giving her the gift of a Christmas miracle, he cuts her wrist open with a knife, bashed her head with a snow globe and leaves her to die, right after he gorges on some Christmas cookies. Nikki survives this attack, though it did leave her comatose for a year. Literally.
Comes next Christmas and Nikki wakes up from her coma. She's visited by her best friend Jess (Scarlett Sperduto) and boyfriend Nathan (Trey Anderson) who share to her the shocking news that her parents were ready to pull the plug and have already converted her bedroom into a gym. Rightfully upset, Nikki decided to spend the holidays with Jess and Nathan at a woodland vacation home owned by another friend named MJ (Cissy Ly), though the girl can't help but feel off and uneasy. Perhaps it's the fact that that Jess and Nathan are actually seeing each other now, much to her shock. Or maybe it's the matter that her attack was ruled as a suicide attempt. Whatever it is, it's leading to a red-stained Christmas as someone would soon crash their little get-together with an axe murder or two in mind. Someone resembling Jolly Old Saint Nick, seemingly finishing what they started one Christmas night ago...
In a ploy to, perhaps, build a sense of mystery and characterization,
Santa Isn't Real (2023) opted to work its way to the snowbound holiday horror by first focusing a decent deal of its run time on Nikki's claims of being attacked by Santa Claus and the crazy conspiracies that goes with it (many of which were confused with other Winter folk beings like Krampus, Gryla and her Yule Lads), as well as her reaction towards Nathan and Tess’ relationship for brooding drama and tension. The result, however, is an excruciating test of patience as the writing barely made any of the characters interesting or likable enough to sit through all of the melodrama, a point hardly helped by the actors' uninspired performances, nor by the lack of energy and action in the film's direction. There's an initial attempt to play around with the idea of whether the threat could be supernatural or not, though the lack of budget and clumsy execution meant a lot of questionable visual effects and plot holes, all leading to an unsatisfying conclusion that confusingly juggles between the line of the whole killer Santa shtick being product of someone's unstable psyche, and teasing hints of an actual Saint Nick out on a murderous prowl.
Anything decent to say about
Santa Isn't Real (2023) falls on the slayings, which we don't get to until the near end of the film after our killer captures their targets. The minuscule kill count delivers a surprisingly gruesome amount of practical gore and some savage editing to highlight the murder's chaotic flair but, by then, it's a little too late for it to be a saving grace, not when the accompanying murder motive and twist reveal were damn predictable.
Sad to say, Santa Isn't Real (2023) is a mishandled mess of a Christmas slasher, one that aims to be an inviting and diverting horror drama but couldn't get neither the horror nor the drama working in its favor. Mediocre filmmaking at its most ungainly, you're better off getting coal than this in your Christmas stockings...
Bodycount:
1 male gets a thrown knife to the chest, stabbed to death
1 male gutted with a knife
1 female stabbed in the eye with a sharpened candy cane, stabbed to death
1 male had his throat cut with a sharpened candy cane
Total: 4
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