WARNING: THIS BLOG CONTAINS BODYCOUNT. HIGH RISK OF SPOILERS. ENTER IF YOU DARE.

Wednesday, December 13, 2023

All The Tender Sweetness of A Seasick Crocodile: The Mean One (2022)

The Mean One (2022)
Rating: ***
Starring: David Howard Thornton, Krystle Martin, Chase Mullins

Released months before a certain silly old bear goes backwoods maniac on grown-up Christopher Robin and a couple of girls visiting the Hundred Acre Woods, this is the movie Winnie The Pooh: Blood and Honey (2023) could have been: crazy, bloody and fun!

As a wee little girl, Cindy once got a not-so-silent night after spotting "Santa" trying to steal away their Christmas tree and dear ole' mother opted to tussle with the thief, only to end up falling unto a nutcracker's sword and impaling her neck. Twenty years forward and as suggested by her therapist, Cindy (Krystle Martin) decided to go back to her hometown of Newville with her supportive father Lou (Flip Kobler) to confront her past, find closure and just have a holly jolly Christmas like she used to as a kid. That was until the same "Santa" comes back to spread some holiday fear just as pops finished putting up the decorations one night, brutally murdering the man before whisking all the Christmassy trinkets away.


Understandably distressed and now wanting answers as to who or what killed her parents when the local sheriff (Erik Baker) and the town mayor (Amy Schumacher) prove to be of little help, Cindy starts looking into the events and Newville's little history, leading her to discover a grisly conspiracy involving missing hikers, encountering a green furry creature donning a makeshift Santa suit, as well as meeting a local drunkard (last name Zeus, but everyone calls him "Doc") who have his own misfortune with the creature after it slaughtered his wife many years ago. Through all of this, she learns that what they're up against is a real Mean One, as cuddly as a cactus, as charming as an eel, and with a murderous streak to anyone who celebrates Christmas, intentionally and accidentally! 

As a parody, The Mean One (2022) presents itself with the usual B-grade slasher/monster-hybird romp of traumatized protagonists going back to town to settle their troubled psyches only to come face to face with the threat that started the whole ordeal, though the gimmick here is that the villain just happens to be a familiar face to those who grew up under the whimsy and wonder of the Theodor Geisel classic children's book, Dr. Seuss' How The Grinch Stole Christmas. Seeing this is an unauthorized horror jab of the story, the name "Grinch" couldn't be uttered anywhere in the film so they simply refer to it as The Mean One and this is practically one of the jokes in the film as a small running gag involves someone yelling for a Mr. Finch just as somebody else was about to utter the creature's real name. The movie could've actually benefitted from more jokes and nods like these but the direction and writing occasionally drags unto the mediocre, insisting on playing the plot itself straight in an attempt for some depth to Cindy's plight and the horrors brought upon by the titular monster, only to fall flat with how much it clashes with the overall tone, as well as how clumsily oversentimental it can get.


Fortunately, a lot of these failed straight-faced angles do come off unintentionally funny and the resulting camp outweighs whatever serious approach The Mean One (2022) tried leaning to, thus whenever the film wanted to be silly and messy, it somehow delivers: the murders are certainly one of this movie's highlights once the carnage goes full force and, although a decent bunch of them did rely on some CG blood for extra splatter, the absurdity of the kills work with how cartoonish the villain can get with their murdering as Terrifier (2017) and Terrifier 2 (2022)'s own Art The Clown actor David Howard Thornton dons the make-up and channels Jim Carrey's neurotic take of the Grinch back in 2000's How the Grinch Stole Christmas in terms of body language. A fine example would be one massacre wherein a group of overly festive drunkards dressed up as Santas, sexy elves and, for one shmuck, a Christmas tree hollered too much noise noise noise for The Mean One's liking, so the creature goes ho-ho-homicidal on them with killer candy canes and fairy light lassos, all the while The Mean One slides into places, jumps from spot to spot, pretty much being a limber evil thing! No speaking lines were given for the furry green fella, though, just a lot of growls and howls, so in terms of characterization, our villain is greatly lacking on that end, sadly, and we never did get an official reason for why this take of The Grinch is so murderous towards anyone celebrating Christmas in turn.

The rest of the casts are usually of one note, but they have a sense of warmth and humor that do make their presence tolerable to an extent whenever one or two of them start hamming it up the dramatics. The last act of the film is when the campiness of it all goes nearly as high as Mount Crumpit, with Cindy going on full training montages and setting up traps to use against The Mean One, before luring the beast into her home with all the bright lights and holiday music blaring, ready to roast the monster away with candy cane-colored machine guns and Christmas baubles filled with explosives. Heck, even the villain's defeat is deliciously hammy and hilarious as it addresses the fact that a heart growing three times its size is never a good thing! 


Schmaltzy dialogue and overdramatic acting aside, The Mean One (2022) can be a fun holiday treat stocked with a fair dose of fun kills, satirical stabs on a beloved children's literature and an explosive finale that goes great with hot popcorn and cold sodas. Far from a new cult classic, but entertaining enough to pass the time with!

Bodycount:
1 female lands neck-first unto a nutcracker's sword
1 male has his gut clawed open, head impaled with a cane
1 male stabbed to death
1 male murdered, later found with an icicle stabbed into his neck
1 male beaten with a cane
1 male had his head beaten unto a stationary spindle
1 male stabbed in the gut with a cane
1 female had her head stomped
1 male beaten to death against a bar table
1 male clawed on the face
1 male clawed to death
1 female had her neck snapped with a length of fairy lights, hanged
1 female mulched through a meat grinder
1 female torn in half (flashback)
1 male hacked on the head with a meat cleaver, dismembered
1 female decapitated with a car's trunk
1 female had her neck broken (flashback)
1 male mauled offscreen, dismembered arm seen
1 creature dies from an exploding heart
Total: 19

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