Family Bonding Bloodied: House of Dolls (2023)

House of Dolls (2023)

Rating: **

Starring: Dee Wallace, Meeko, Stephanie Troyak

Family reunions, am I right? 

Three estranged sisters (an aspiring children's book author, a CPS worker and a shit show of a diva) are summoned by their father who's in his deathbed, hoping to resolve any bad blood between them as a family by leaving the ladies an inheritance of three hundred grand. The catch, though, is that the girls must stay inside the titular House of Dolls, a life-sized doll house filled with family memorabilia and clues for the sisters to piece together in order to earn the cash and, maybe, even grow closer as a family. Sad to say, this is easier said than done as the siblings not only hate each other's guts, but there's also a trench coat-dashing, spike-studded pink balaclava-wearing killer out there knifing their way to the same house, seemingly to settle a score with the girls.

Let me just say that, out of all the mess I've experienced watching House of Dolls (2023), I do like its slasher segments where the killer simply pops up in random places to kill people who have little to nothing to do with the main plot or characters just for the sake of showing off gnarly gore effects. I, too, like the killer's get-up of a punk leather coat and pink, spiky balaclava for how simple yet striking it is. I also like the unintentional hilarity that came with the movie's low budget production as some of its editing makes it look like the killer could just teleport from one part of the town to another to pull off their murder spree, as well as some of the weapons and backdrops used are clearly plastic Halloween props.

That being said, it's hard to fully engage and enjoy a movie when none of its characters are likable, when all they do is go for each other's throats with harsh tongues and criticisms every time one of them opens their pie holes to talk or, heck, even breathe. The wooden acting I can overlook, but to have such unbearably hateful set of victims-to-be just be arseholes kinda fucks up the mood when we're supposed to be rooting for these girls. Also, for a movie that tries to market itself for having a giant dollhouse, there's really not much to say about that as said life-sized toy house is really just a house with overly decorated walls and furniture, pretty much adding to the story, underwhelming, nothing.

It's like watching a bad reality TV show: all the people are just plain nasty and/or dumb, forced to work together to win that day's challenge, leading to said horrible people to whine and bitch some more until they either throw temper tantrums and rage quitting or go sappy on live TV with fake sincerities. Here in House of Dolls (2023), fortunately, we get intervals of people in wrong places at wrong times meeting their makers through the killer's dual knife-wielding skills, which eventually crosses into the sisters' little bitching sessions and leading to a doable enough twist reveal that a few of us could've seen coming.

All in all, House of Dolls (2023) is flawed, but at least it has the decency to make up for its terrible characters and missed opportunities with a decently fair bunch of kills, a cool-looking killer and feisty fromage. Oh, and Dee Wallace. Dee Wallace is also here. 

Bodycount:

1 male found slaughtered with a knife

1 female stabbed with a knife

1 male found dead with a slaughtered face

1 male gutted with a knife, throat cut

1 male headbutted to death with a spike-studded mask

1 male found gutted

1 female garroted with a rope

1 female had her throat cut with knives

1 victim found murdered, body hung from a ceiling

1 female knifed to death

1 male drowned to death in a toilet

1 female had a leg hacked off with an axe, knifed to death

1 male sliced in half with a chainsaw

1 male knifed in the gut

1 male and 1 female killed with an axe

Total: 16