It's a Terrifier Christmas, Let Horror Fill Your Heart: Terrifier 3 (2024)

Terrifier 3 (2024)

Rating: ****

Starring: Lauren LaVera, David Howard Thornton, Antonella Rose

I'm just gonna put it out there that I was considering knocking down a few points from this movie for being a Christmas slasher because, damn it! The Terrifier franchise already established itself as a Halloween staple all the way back to its iconic killer's first appearance in Damien Leone's short, The 9th Circle (2008), and y'all wanna terrorize another holiday? Way to break the momentum! 

But, hey, this little blow to my obsessive compulsiveness aside, Terrifier 3 (2024) is just a damn good movie.

The film opens on a night before Christmas, with a girl named Juliet having a tough time sleeping, disturbed by the weird noises she's been hearing. Her family dismisses her concerns, explaining it away as just the house settling (or Santa's elves), but Juliet isn't convinced. Not when the noises start to resemble footfalls. Once her folks go back to bed, the little darling decided to snoop a bit, soon spotting none other than Santa Claus himself walking to their Christmas tree and pulling out from his sack... a heavy axe. What was once a silent night becomes a gory night as every single one from this family gets hacked apart, dismembered all the way, revealing to us that under the red suit and heavy boots isn't a jolly old fat man. It's Art the Clown, up and walking around once again!

Jump back to five years ago; after another Halloween rampage, Art seems to have met his match when one of his supposed victims, Sienna Shaw, fought back and managed to defeat him by cutting his head clean off with a seemingly mystic sword. This, however, is no setback for the clown as his now headless body kills its way to where his head ended up after the brawl, at the psychiatric clinic holding one of his former victims, the heavily disfigured Victoria Heyes, who appears to have finally succumbed to whatever demonic forces at play here. The two escapes, leaving more bodies on their trail as they flee back to Art's dilapidated hideout-slash-work shop where they go into a dormant state.

 

Moving ahead to the present, Sienna Shaw is undergoing a great deal of therapy as the events of that one Halloween night haunt her to this day, with visions of her dead friends and family blaming her for their demises. Upon her release from a mental health center, she's to stay with her aunt Jess' family, an arrangement Jess' husband Greg isn't too sure about despite putting on a cheerful face whenever Sienna is in the room with them, fearing she's one or two breakdowns away from endangering the family. Their daughter Gabbie, however, is simply ecstatic to have her big cousin around, completely unaware of the nightmares Sienna's dealing with. 

All the while, Jonathan, Sienna's kid brother, is now in college trying to move on with his life, something that's proven to be a tad hard when his sister is keeps blaming herself for surviving and just wouldn't let it go, as well as the fact that there will always be someone out there who will recognize him as one of the 'supposed' survivors of a killing spree perpetrated by Art the Clown, who at this point is something of a Miles County urban legend.

And speaking of the devil; when couple of demolition workers arrive to inspect a rather familiar dilapidated house, they didn't expect to find both Art and Victoria there, now awakened from their unnatural slumber and ready to take more lives as brutally as possible. With this starts another round of murders and torture for ole' Art, and with it being the Christmas season, he's gonna try on some new looks and explore new painful ways to end people. Hell, maybe he and his new accomplice will even take the time to be home for the holiday and celebrate it with a certain girl who got away the only way they can: with a crown of thorns (and razor blades), rat torture and even a roaring chainsaw...

As you watch Terrifier 3 (2024) start itself with the annihilation of a random family before treating you with a gag of a headless body wearing a victim's head to get around inconspicuously, and then grossing you out with the imagery of a now-demonic woman eating chewed flesh straight out of a still-living decapitated head's own gullet, you know damn well that this movie's going to continue the franchise's tradition of delivering some of the most-messed up things you could pull off in a slasher flick and I'm glad to say it's done all here with some noticeable improvements; for one, the pacing is just a breeze, wonderfully balancing out the story of our heroine undergoing an emotional and mental crisis as she tries to live a normal life past that one gore-soaked Halloween massacre, with that of Art the Clown being, well, Art the Clown. Just savage hijinks with a good dose of black humor that only a creepy grinning killer mime can pull off. The direction wisely opted to not overly dwell on the plot to the point that it overcooks the drama and character depth, giving it time to breathe a bit in between brutal hijinks of little mall kids getting one hell of a Christmas popper courtesy of Art, or that of a man getting the skin and flesh of his head dressed down from the skull while a disfigured witch watches and sodomize herself with a mirror shard. (Yes. You read that right) 

Curiously, apart from Sienna's descent towards a fractured case of survivor's guilt and her increasingly strained relationship with her brother, Terrifier 3 (2024) technically adds nothing that we didn't already know since the last film. Rather, it expanded upon what was given before and dives further down its layers, throwing in biblical lore behind Art's supernatural durability and immortality, as well as Sienna's mysterious sword for what could be a set-up to something big and immaculate in the future. It's not hard to see how this scattershot plotting can get real testy for some audience, as the increasingly overcomplicated mythology could stray the franchise away from what was originally just a simple story of a deranged clown killing folks, but for some of us who can roll with the punches, it's a tolerable dent on a showcase of gore and darkly hilarious clownery. Plus, admittedly, my curiosity is peaked by what they're hinting here. I mean, how couldn't you when one of these visions involves a living statue of the Virgin Mary seemingly commanding a chained demon to forge the armor of a warrior angel in hellfire? That's not simple badassery. That's pure metal!

One cannot deny, too, the top-tier special effects here; despite some of these being your typical slasher murder fares of axe hackings or knife murders, the way they're executed to push the boundaries of an iron stomach keeps them fresh, the increasing absurdity of their own brutality fitting nicely with its darkly imaginative savagery and/or the unrelenting intensity of its overkills. One axe blow isn't enough to kill someone here, oh no. Unlike most slashers out there, Terrifier 3 (2024) wanted to make sure a victim is dead and that typically means more than a couple of whacks! And, yes, why not get kooky and experimental with the murder weapons? Would a handheld tank that blows liquid nitrogen do? Of course, all of this wouldn't mean much if it wasn't for David Howard Thornton's morbidly charming portrayal of Art the Clown, who's at his most expressive here considering the clown is basically playing pretend as Santa Claus, spinning his own take on Christmas spirit and holiday cheers via cartoonish body language and facial acting, effectively hiding his deadly intentions. From enthusiastically losing himself over meeting "Santa", to mockingly mute laughing at a wife's distress while hacking apart her husband, Art continues to be a real slasher icon and there's no sign of slowing down or stopping!

Thus the saga of this hyper-violent slasher franchise continues and Terrifier 3 (2024) sets itself as a real solid treat as a holiday bodycounter, may it be Halloween's or Christmas'. There's room for improvement, sure, but it's safe to say that this one undoubtedly served the demented and the defiled! The gruesome and the gory! Have a Terrifier Christmas! Let horror fill your heart!

Bodycount:

1 boy hacked to pieces with an axe

1 male hacked to death with an axe

1 female hacked to death with an axe

1 girl killed with an axe (heavily implied)

1 male killed offscreen, head seen

1 female killed offscreen, later found being eaten

1 male had his head pried apart

1 male murdered offcamera, clothes seen

1 male jabbed in the neck, stabbed to death with a mirror shard

1 male had his head cut open with a box cutter, flesh flayed off

1 male shot on the head

1 male shot on the neck, bled to death

1 male had his limbs and head sprayed with liquid nitrogen, bashed apart with a hammer

1 boy blown apart by a bomb

1 female blown apart by a bomb

1 girl blown apart by a bomb

2 victims blown apart by a bomb

1 female slaughtered to death with a chainsaw

1 male bisected with a chainsaw

1 male found headless, gutted and nailed to a wall

1 male head seen inside a cage, eaten by rats

1 female gets a tube shoved down her throat and force fed with live rats, throat cut with a knife

1 female gets a sword to the mouth, decapitated

Total: 24

Island of Misfit Boys: Grand Guignol (2022)

Grand Guignol (Japan, 2022)

Rating: **1/2

Starring: Rio Komiya, Riku Ichikawa, Rina Koike

The word Grand Guignol pertains to short plays that were popular in 19th century Parisian cabarets for emphasizing violence, horror, and sadism, embracing shock value through illicit subject matters and over-the-top practical effects as entertainment. This seems to be part of the case for director Hashiimoto Hajime's homoerotic slasher Grand Guignol (2022) which does feature a splatterful amount of bloodwork for its murders, as well as a bout of surrealism which makes its basic premise of a typical backwoods horror flick a bit more... odd.

After getting involved in an incident where a student got his face mutilated with a box cutter, Homura Itsuki sees himself transferred over to a boarding school set at a solitary island where only troublesome kids get to attend. All communication to the outside world is cut, the staff running the joint are unnervingly suspicious and there's a study group dedicated to the art of Grand Guignol drama, the strange scenario gets even more uneasy when a new teacher waltzes in and starts making advances to some of the boys there. That, unfortunately, is little compared to the violent figure out prowling the woods, decked in animal skulls and armed with a razor-sharp chain flail. It isn't long before this thing starts to hunt down students, though it seems this hack-and-slash gig may not be the only craziness going around in this island...

Independent J-horror does have the tendency to go overboard on the bloodletting and craziness, something Grand Guignol (2022) can attest to seeing it's basically running on extreme gore, murderous cults, backwoods bodycounting and an abundant amount of homoerotism. If anything, this movie has the vision to be an outlandish queer horror flick and it does succeeds on that at a decent level, albeit on a noticeable budget and a lack of solid direction; as a slasher, the effects are practical yet shoddy, nowhere impressive on a technical sense but delivers greatly on the messy blood and gore. The killer's get-up also leans on the cheap and silly side considering it kinda resembles a suit of confetti decked out with a badass mask consisting of arranged animal skulls, making the maniac look awfully like a walking, stalking piñata from hell!

The homoerotic elements are ever-present with how much the boys here get on with one another, though it's less emphasizing on romance and more on shock factor, especially when it dives into taboo subjects of forced feminization and creepy adults prowling on younger victims. In fact, the horror of Grand Guignol (2022) is more on the intensity of the madness and kills, focusing on nightmare logic, sexualized depravity and macabre violence thinly disguised as the work of dark supernatural forces and the maddened individuals under its command. The end result succeeds in drawing out the explicitness of its overt violence and fetishisms, as well the over-the-top insanity that is this movie's arthouse plotting and tone, pretty much in tune with original Grand Guignol stage plays that inspired it.

An over-the-top mish mash of the sensual and the savage that comes with a rough edge and spotty quality control. Not exactly a good example of queer horror done right, but it win points for just how off-the-wall bonkers it is! 

Bodycount:

1 male slashed to death with a bladed chain flail

1 male repeatedly slashed with a bladed chain flail, decapitated

1 male stabbed through the gut with a sword, gutted

1 male had his skin flayed off with shearing tools, dies from injuries

1 male shot through the mouth with a shotgun

1 male repeatedly bashed with a sledgehammer, neck snapped

1 female bashed on the head with a sledgehammer

1 female dies from a sword impaled through her back

1 male stabbed on the gut with a sword, bashed to death with a sledgehammer

Total: 9

The Beast of Meteorite Acres: Splatter-Saurus (2023 Novella)

Splatter-Saurus

Author: Judith Sonnet

Publication Year: 2023

Chapters: 14

Rating: ***

A dinosaur-centered Youtube channel once covered this book and described it as 'dinosaur splatterpunk'. Seeing this is written by Judith Sonnet, whose stories often dip into Extreme horror, I'm not too surprised. What did tickle my curiosity, however, was upon further looking into it, some people also consider this a 'backwoods slasher'. And that, ladies and gents, is how I ended up owning this rather gruesome, exploitative novella about a random dinosaur on a feeding frenzy deep in some woods. 

The story does resemble a typical backwoods slasher plot of young adults visiting a cabin at Meteorite Acres for some rest and relaxation; drinks were drank, drugs were suggested, some hanky-panky time was considered despite some characters wondering how their partners would react if they finally decided to come out of the closet, but what these lads and ladies didn't come to account for is the orange-scaled dinosaur that's rampaging all over the nearby forest and pond! Devouring already the small family who owned the cabins and a few very horrible rednecks, this bipedal monster is now dead set on gorily sinking its teeth down on some nubile college kids...

In the afterword of the book, Sonnet wrote that Splatter-Saurus is a homage to cheesy dinosaur flicks one would typically catch on channels like SyFy or streaming sites like Tubi and, frankly, she is mostly on point; the book reads like the most hardcore creature feature exploitation piece involving a prehistoric theropod, one that the likes of the Carnosaur movies would have been if they delivered a bit more bad taste into their plots, such as overly-detailed traumatic deaths and a pinch of hicksploitation grindcore with a pair of redneck brothers who are into very disturbing and upsetting ideas of fun, examples of which apparently involve torturing lady hitchhikers and swiping babies away from mothers. 

This being a short horror piece, the story is straight-to-the-point and a quick read, barely diving away from the shallow plotting of a dinosaur brutally hunting and eating side dish cannon fodders before moving in to the main course chilling inside a cabin. Wordplay is descriptive enough to really really paint the gross gruesomeness of these attacks, as well as attempt a bit of layer and humor during the story's few lulling moments, making this a promisingly intense and intriguing B-grade horror read. The only qualm for me here is that the last twist and the resulting ending feels like it pushed the silliness a tad too far, making the conclusion overly random for the sake of cheese and shock, maybe a bit rushed as well. In all sincerity, it could work as the author did say she wanted this book to be stupid yet fun, but I personally think it could have been articulated and written better so it wouldn't be so janky.

Still, Splatter-Saurus done enough tooth-and-nail bodycounting to make it a good read, given that is you got the iron stomach for some extreme horror literature because it can get real nasty! This novelette is ridiculously wrong and splattery, but if you love a bad dinosaur creature feature, even more so a slasher with a generous offering of blood and body parts, then give this backwoods slaughter-fest with a prehistoric twist a go!

Bodycount: 13

Notable Kills: "...The bulky brute's body lifted Angus up and sent him spinning like an organic frisbee. Angus's scream warbled comedically before his body struck a nearby tree.

Paul watched in shock as his brother wrapped around the sturdy shaft of the tree."

Mountaintop Cryptid Massacre: The Bloody Tracks of Bigfoot (2021 Novel)

The Bloody Tracks of Bigfoot

Author: David Irons

Publication Year: 2021

Chapters: 56

Rating: ****

Frequent visitors of this here little personal corner of the web would probably know how much I love my Bigfoot slashers! I love the splattery hamminess of Night of The Demon (1980). I love the Southern fried creepiness of The Wildman of The Navidad (2008). I love the found footage stylings of Exist (2014). I love the backwoods bachelor bash gone Bigfoot of Cherokee Creek (2018). I love this slasher/monster hybrid niche that much, I have now expanded my need to consume media where the big hairy fella slaughters teenagers one by one from movies to novels!

And here's where David Iron's The Bloody Tracks of Bigfoot comes in! 

Taking place mostly in April 2nd, 1981, the novel follows the small cast and crew of an independent movie production as they drive to a rented construction site somewhere at the Oregonian mountains to finish filming the last few key scenes of their slasher flick, Mountaintop Madman Massacre. For the first half of the book, the story does a good job building itself around the filming as we get to know more about the bunch working in it; heading this production is director and writer Rob Lieberman, who technically conned his own father into funding this circus in hopes of making a quick and easy buck by cashing in to the cult success of slasher movies at that time; cinematographer Danny McLaughlin shares with his bestfriend and soundman Billy Zito his desires to do more than just commercials and low budget horror movies, thus accumulating a bit of jealousy towards the team's special effects wiz Tommy Bottin, who has doors of opportunities opening up for him after being featured in magazines like Fangoria and Cinemafantasque; Tommy, in turn, is considered a creep by some of the crew for crushing hard on the movie's leading actress, Adrianne Heather Curtis, who went from being household name famous to infamous after more than one unsavory articles written about her private life, resulting to a lack of work. 

The rest of the gang are Larry Lerner, Ben Tramer, Connie Conners and Laura Sommers, actors and actresses who all just wanted to get this last day of filming done so they can chill out, make the beast with two backs, or move on to the next acting gig. All the while Arnold Lebowitz, who's playing the titular Mountaintop Madman, is there to bring jokey vibes and be committed to his work as a lardy cannibal killer. And then there's Tony Reynolds. Stunt coordinator. In charge of the explosives to be used for the movie's explosive finale. Running a tad behind schedule and acting really sketchy and ominous by the time he finally shows up. Adrianne's lover.

In the midst of this movie-making misadventure, at a cave nearby the site, lives a family of three mythological beasts, the last of their kind; the adults know of the danger humans pose over them so they do their best to be left unseen and alone, but the youngest of them all have grown curious of the bells and whistles these interlopers brought along, luring it close to their set. Unbeknownst to the little one, as well as most of the crew, something wasn't right. Something was done to an FX shot that not only ends up with a charred body, but also the death of the male beast's loved ones.

And then, as the book said: 'All hell broke loose'.

From that point on, The Bloody Tracks of Bigfoot goes full gear on the creature feature-cum-slasher flick thrills and spills as the now vengeful Bigfoot unleashes a torrent of pain and suffering towards the film crew, brawling with some, massacring the others. Intriguingly, this gruesome fiasco also brings out the worst from our doomed gang as Rob and Danny loses their marbles at the fact that Bigfoot exists and decided together that raw footage of a cryptid attack is better than no footage at all, thus paying it all in blood, while a few of the actors start to fight and betray one another reasons both sinister and petty. So the tension is written astonishingly high around this act, both from the brutality of the monster's attacks and, too, the uncertainty of who among the thespians are trustworthy or not; A LOT of the murders here have so much vivid gory details on them, my inner gorehound was more than just satisfied. It was quenched! Like, for real, it's like reading kills from any one of Adam Greene's Hatchet movies! And devolution of a once chummy film production down to a horrifying battle for survival simply spells a captivating read as the it does beg you to question where all of this is going now that almost every man and woman are out for themselves, with each chapter paced for a speedy read and ending on good hooks before jumping to the next one.  

My only qualms here is that a few twist reveals feel a tad unnecessary, especially one example which does fall into spoiler territories but I will at least say that it added nothing to the overall direction, just more excuse to pen down a gory demise. The cynical mean-spiritedness of it all may not sit too kindly for some readers as well, but, for me, there is something quite astonishing from fact that almost all of the characters were made into unlikeable douches at the end and the only one you get to feel for in some way is the killer Bigfoot as you do get to understand why he's this pissed off towards these humans. This stunt does cheapen a lot of the formerly fleshed out characters into meat bags deserving of being torn in half, yes, but when the payoff is a great read of mayhem and disturbing fates, I does help not to take this book too seriously and just enjoy The Bloody Tracks of Bigfoot as the hammy, bloody horror novel that it is.

The story ends on an admittedly disturbing note, one that punches the right cards for shock and shlock, fitting right well with the absurd craziness of this Bigfoot attack /backwoods slasher story. That being said, The Bloody Tracks of Bigfoot is a fun neat read if you love a bad creature feature and the bloodiest of bodycounter flicks, one that's packed with feisty fromage and a bitter streak on the side. Should you ever find yourself with some time to kill and read B-grade cryptid horror, why not give this page-turner a try? 

Bodycount: 15

Notable Kill: Honestly, it's hard to pick just one. But if I do have to pick one, it has to be that one guy who fought Bigfoot, only to be humbled by the creature not once, but TWICE! I wouldn't say much what happened, but all I could say is that after bearing so much of that guy's cockiness, I am just glad we got the hairy fella recreating a kill from Madman (1981), only with a few more muscles and organs strewn around~

Gory Gory Youth Group Camp: Sardines (In The Dark) (2023 Novella)

Sardines (In The Dark)
Author: Judith Sonnet
Publication Year: 2023
Chapters: 10
Rating: ***1/2

Sometimes you just want to relax with a good story without going through an essay's worth of pages just to finish a single chapter. Sometimes you just feel like getting a quick read for a good shot of fantastical entertainment in one sitting before readying ourselves for a full day ahead. Often at times I find myself very busy balancing business with pleasure, thus a cheap paperback novella such as this gore-soaked nightmare is just what the horror doctor ordered for a fun-sized page-turner.

The story follows the young members of an evangelical-free church's youth group enjoying their Fall Break retreat at some rented cabins in the woods when one of their newest members suggests a new game for them to play; Sardines, were one person hides while the others look for them in the dark and whoever finds the hider have to hide with them. Last person to find the group would be "it" on the next round. The kids are excited to play the game, save our protagonist, fifteen-year old Kylie, who really isn't getting into the vibe of playing what's technically hide-and-seek in the dark, but she felt a tad more daring that night to give it a try since her bestfriends Jackie and Harold are joining, too.

Unbeknownst and unfortunately for this youth group, something else decided to join the game. Something hulking and powerful. Something twisted with a crazed smile. Something with a taste for warm flesh.

Originally published by its author as a part of an out-of-print collection of horror shorts titled Your God Can't Save You, Sardines (In The Dark) is an unrelenting example of splatterpunk horror fiction in its prime, vividly describing extreme torture and gore through out the pages while taking the time to tackle religious horror centering on traumatic upbringings and uncertainties. Being a novella, however, the book doesn't dive too deep into its religious subtexts and it's mostly used here to slightly flesh out the characters for a paragraph or two before they're pounded to death with a mallet, or give the antagonist a cliched motive behind the massacre. No, the book strongly focuses more on style over substance, more on shock factor and visceral exploitation as not only do the murders go on brutal lengths wording the bodily destructions, but a few of these kills were also done to awfully young victims and the killer even indulges in some really screwed-up shit like wearing a severed head in a manner that's disturbingly and disgustingly perverse.

And speaking of, the book's monstrous villain is certainly quite a disturbing aberration, described as a near-naked muscular freak cloaked in nothing but a rain slicker, bearing a misshapen head, red eyes, almond-shaped teeth and an amazing display of strength. It's revealed to be non-human way too early into the book but, considering the novella is aiming to capitalize on brutality, I wouldn't be surprised if it was done that way to give the writer more opportunity to pen about the creature's terrifying penchant for mutilating victims through sheer strength. It doesn't dilly-dally on getting the ball rolling, too, with the gore quota starting as soon as the second chapter introduces the story's murderous being and its blunt weapon of choice, steadily going through one victim to the next in a consistent pace and an unwavering savage tone, eventually leading to a few interesting curveballs such as who's actually behind the killing spree, as well as the true nature of the killer which is, admittedly, creepy. 

Sardines (In The Dark) never really went anywhere beyond its basic supernatural slasher plotting of groups splitting up and finding reasons to walk into spooky spots in the dark only to be horribly killed by an abomination, but it does make up for it with an effectively violent direction and a good flair of traumatizing writing. It's not for the faint of heart, but if you think you have a strong stomach for nightmarish splatter and gross killers, then I say give this one a read! 

Bodycount: 12

Notable Kill: "He felt the wooden mallet slam between his legs with so much force that it scooted him back toward the wall. The mallet was lifted and brought down again. Its wooden rim detonated his testicles against the dirt floor. He felt his left ball mash into a squirting paste in his jeans. The other seemed to crawl out from its skin sheath," 

And that's just the beginning for this poor chap. Not to mention this is just the first kill from of the entire novella!

Art The Clown

"We have a very special guest with us today! Now, for a guy who doesn't speak, he sure makes a lot of noise. All the way from Miles County, please welcome...

ART THE CLOWN!"

The Island of No Return: Slaughter Island (2010)

Slaughter Island (Jutou) (Japan, 2010)

Rating: ***

Starring: Tôru Amemiya, Noriko Ikemi, Serina Ogawa

In this low-budget, direct-to-video Japanese teen-kill offering, we get to see that minimalism, when done right, can lead to some worthy results.

Slaughter Island (2010) follows the usual story of lively teens enjoying themselves vacationing on a deserted island, doing nothing but fun and games of swimming around, playing in the beach and indulging on evening barbecues with spooky campfire tales to share. One of these tales is of a mysterious island where, legend has it, anybody who goes in never comes out. Word has it that the island they're at is the very one with this spooky reputation, though they all chalk it up to just a funny scare.

That is until the following morning comes; when two of the teens ventured into the woods, one came back splattered in blood and in complete hysterics, while the other is later found torn in half. Unsure of what to make of this, the rest of the gang decided to end the trip and go back to the mainland to get help, only to find the boat they used to get there is now missing and learn that none of them even bothered telling anyone where they were going, effectively stranding them in the island with something that's out to end them all...

Director Hisaaki Nagaota basically does everything you would expect from a teen-kill flick in Slaughter Island (2010), giving us a good dose of skin, scares and slaughtered bodies in a rather simplistic plot, all of which with little to no sets, limited special effects, a distinguishably small cast and a runtime of only an hour and five minutes. The minimalist production and direction may as well be this film's double-edge as those expecting strong exploitative thrills and novelties may find this movie rather lacking and cheap, though if one's looking for something thriving within the realms of nightmare logic and brooding atmosphere, then this movie fairly delivers.

Without giving away much, whatever it is that's killing the doomed teenagers works well enough to be this movie's more note-worthy element as its silent and stoic presence, paired with the fact that there's no actual reason as to why it does what it does nor are there any explanation given as to why or how it exists, builds a strong sense of eeriness and unnerving dread to the killings, even more so when it is made clear that there's hardly anything that can be done to stop it. This is where Slaughter Island (2010)'s limited resources get put to good use as they stylized the simple offscreen murders with blood splashes and gory after death effects which fit very nicely with the ambiguous nature of the murders, though occasionally the film do treat us with a couple of fair onscreen killings that are still done under a restrictive budget but quite effective nonetheless.

Albeit starting off like your typical B-flick gaggle of enthusiastic youths, the characters are a tolerable bunch with the teen casts playing them doing a genuinely okay job with their performances, giving off a candid feel that befits the movie's mood. The only qualm I can get from this is that none of the characters do stand out, even once the slaughtering starts and the group's stance switches from carefree and excited to serious and focused. Yes, a few did show a hint of development and even some depth, but most of it got flushed down in favor of using them as red herrings or the casual meat for murder.

Slaughter Island (2010) may not be the best example of a supernatural slasher with its overly unostentatious story and obviously minuscule funding, but to credit when credit is due, it is at least an original and entertaining effort, one that proves that sometimes you don't need extreme visuals or a big budget to make something worth watching. Give it a try!

Bodycount:

1 female slaughtered, blood splash seen

1 male torn in half

1 female slaughtered, gut seen split open

1 male killed offscreen, later found with his guts strewn out

1 male gets a tree branch shoved down his mouth

1 female killed offscreen, later found impaled on a tree branch

1 female killed, method unknown

1 male found slaughtered

1 female slaughtered, blood splash seen

1 male stabbed in the gut with a tree branch, arm torn off

1 female killed offscreen

Total: 11

Yankee Doodled: 2001 Maniacs: Field of Screams (2010)

2001 Maniacs: Field of Screams (2010)

Rating: *

Starring: Bill Moseley, Lin Shaye, Christa Campbell

Ah, god, how did I even survive this shit?

Look, I love 2001 Maniacs (2005), Eli Roth's teen slasher remake of Herschell Gordon Lewis Southern-fried splatter classic Two Thousand Maniacs! (1964). And I also love Bill Moseley, a beloved character actor who don the roles of many horror faves such as Chop Top from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 (1986) and Otis B. Driftwood from Rob Zombie's Firefly Clan movies. Seeing Moseley leading in a follow-up to one of my fave early 2000s gorefest should be a match made in heaven for me, but not if the resulting movie is like watching a ten year old trying to paint a replica of Van Gogh's The Starry Night while drunk and high at the same time: simply horrifying and concerning.

For those who are not in the know, the story of Maniacs follows the ghoulish undead denizens of a small Southern community called Pleasant Valley and their macabre celebrations involving the luring, torturing, mutilating and then devouring of unsuspecting motorists as revenge against the Northerners. 2001 Maniacs: Field of Screams (2010) follows on the events of Eli Roth's re-telling as we see the folks of Pleasant Valley preparing for another round of their annual "Guts N' Glory Jubilee" celebration, only to learn that the local sheriff is putting a stop to the Jubilee since the feds are starting to catch on to the disappearances around their neck of the woods over the years. Town leader Mayor Buckman (Bill Moseley) doesn't take kindly to this news so, after killing off the sheriff by rolling him down a hill inside a barrel driven with nails, he devised a plan to take their macabre celebration on the road, turning the jamboree into a traveling circus of sorts.

In comes our group of stereotypes that happen to be the cast and crew of a brain-rotting reality TV show Road Rascals (practically The Simple Life), driving around in their tour bus when they came upon the maniacs' lil' cavalcade of crazies and sees an opportunity to film an impromptu episode for their show once they're invited to join Mayor Buckman's traveling party of Southern hospitality, games and barbecue! And as you would expect, the folks from Pleasant Valley are just delighted to have these suckers around for their fiendish and cannibalistic fun, picking them off one by one...

Almost everything about 2001 Maniacs: Field of Screams (2010) is terrible. Flimsy. Embarrassing. Excruciating, even. I say almost since there's a good deal of messy gore effects done for some of the kills which pleases my inner gorehound, as well as Moseley being a definite treat in this movie, playing the gruesome yet infectively charming and hilarious mayor of Pleasant Valley with much wry Southern humor and tongue-in-cheek hamminess. Past that, too many of the jokes missed than hit as the writing often devolved into cheaply throwing shots at horribly dated pop culture and politics, the victims are devoid of any real character apart from being tired offensive clichés played by barely talented folks and the production definitely took a nose dive down the cheap shithole. Seriously, throughout the movie, you'll see uninteresting camera work, audio quality dropping randomly and hack job editing. It's bad enough we have to sit through rotten cheese, terrible jokes and yawn-worthy shock gags, but to have it executed half-assed simply shows how much this movie just dragged itself into failure from the moment it started.

No, good gentlemen and fair ladies, I am not impressed by 2001 Maniacs: Field of Screams (2010)! It's hard to praise a film that can make the idea of a black comedy about evil, murderous and cannibalistic confederate towns this boring and I would rather chuck myself down a nailed barrel rolling down a hill than to subject myself to another viewing of this garbage. Dump it!

Bodycount: 

1 male rolled inside a nailed barrel, impaled on wooden planks

1 female sliced through the groin with a buzzsaw

1 male electrocuted in an electric chair

1 male had his back broken, heart torn out

1 male had his head decimated with a stick of dynamite

1 female hoisted and hanged on a noose

1 female had her face torn off with a clawed chastity belt

1 male shredded against a bus engine

2 female ran over with a truck

Total: 10 

A Wolf On The Prowl: Project Wolf Hunting (2023)

Project Wolf Hunting (Neugdaesanyang) (South Korea, 2023)

Rating: ***1/2

Starring: Seo In-Guk, Dong-Yoon Jang and Jung So-Min

And here I thought Ricky-Oh: The Story of Ricky (1991) is the silliest, goriest action horror thriller I'll ever lay eyes on... 

After a fiasco back in 2017 in which a suicide bomber blew himself up and killed many at a publicly announced prison transport flight, the higher ups involved with an extradition deal between South Korea and the Philippines opted to try a different mode of transportation when it comes to transferring dangerous Korean criminals captured in the Philippines back to their country. This time, Frontier Titan, a seemingly normal cargo ship, will be used to escort an assorted batch of ruthless fugitives from Manila to Busan by sea, a three-day mission headed by hardened "fist-to-your-face" cop Seok-woo (Park Ho-san) and kept in check by an army of fellow police officers.

What these law enforcers didn't know, though, is that one of the inmates, vile murderer and rapist Jong-doo (Seo In-guk), arranged a job with his vicious underlings where they'll infiltrate Titan disguised as crewmates and smuggle in some high caliber weapons. It isn't too long then before the bloodshed begins as the criminals are freed and start torturing and massacring as many cops as they could, all the while the remaining law enforcers who quickly learn of the grim situation fight back in hopes of still turning the tide to their favor.

Now all of this is just the first hour of this two hour long action horror epic and it's pretty much a gorier and sea-bound version of Con Air (1997) as a transport mission becomes a bloody war between heartless criminals and law abiding officers, with the former quickly taking the advantage of them outnumbering their captors, as well as mostly having the element of surprise and a well-planned sabotage working on their benefit. Gunfire of varying calibers are exchanged, heads are brained with nailguns and bolt cutters, brutal stabbings, hatchet hackings, it's all a visceral show of unrelenting violence leading up to what could have been a climactic showdown as Jong-doo's army of miscreants would come face to face with what remains of seasoned cop Seok-woo's forces, but this is when the horror elements of Project Wolf Hunting (2023) comes into play.

You see, the whole escort mission is also being closely monitored by a shady organization who also arranged the Titan to carry a top secret cargo: an ancient bioweapon that was once a man, created all the way back in World War II when the Japanese army was experimenting with the creation of super soldiers. Codenamed "Alpha", this monster just has to pick that day to wake up from his drug-induced sedation and we're quickly treated to one heck of a killing spree as Alpha single handedly obliterated nearly all of the cops and criminals gathered in a brawl out. And by obliterated, I'm talking about people getting kicked across boiler rooms and bursting into bloody messes upon impact, limbs getting torn off to beat their owners dead, lots of throat rippings, chest stompings, head pulpings, it's everything one could have wished Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan (1989) was, especially once Alpha brutally dispatched our supposed "main bad" of the film and starts prowling the ship for remaining victims to beat down dead, all the while those who survived the killing spree so far have to stick together and figure out how to stop an undead bioweapon enhanced with the strength of five men, Predator (1987)-esque "thermovision" and the cunningness of a wolf.

From a criminal escort-gone-wrong gig to a ship-set scifi slasher, all done with a splatter film treatment of practical effects, 2.5 tons worth of fake blood and very little CGI, it is within these two acts that Project Wolf Hunting (2023) shines its bloody best as an exploitation piece where violence is the name of the game and deliver it does. Almost every minute of the film is dedicated to gore and splatter with every layout of the ship is used for the carnage and everyone and everything bound to be covered in blood and grue. It's honestly an outrageous feat of adrenaline infused, hardcore ultraviolence that mostly makes up for the film's less than noteworthy protagonists, lack of genuine scares and simple plotting, so those wanting to see a fulfilling character development out of its cavalcade of casts or a decent amount of scare factor might need to look elsewhere, but for those who find bliss in mindless entertainment centered on intense action and brutal slayings, this film is a thing of beauty.

The real big flaw of Project Wolf Hunting (2023), frankly, lies in its last act; without spoiling much, it introduced more enhanced superhumans into the plot, almost all the characters we've been following throughout the bloody affair are simply unceremoniously killed off and the film completely shifts its gear to a scifi action thriller route as bioweapons duke it out with fists, knives and gunfire ala Resident Evil movie sequel starring Milla Jovovich. In any other film, this would have been an okay turn but, after all of that build-up wherein normal humans struggle and fight to survive against an enemy that's seemingly impossible to stop, switching its focus to superpowered characters with personal vendettas and agendas simply doesn't have the same cathartic gut punch and, honestly, it wasted a great opportunity to bring a satisfyingly fulfilling final act to the table. Instead, all we get is multiple bite-sized flashbacks worth of info dump, an underwhelming villain and a so-so tragic hero beating the lights out of one another, leaving us in the end with a groaner of a twist reveal/cliffhanger combo doubling as sequel bait. It's all too overly ambitious, if I say so myself.

Still, as flawed as the finale was, I strongly recommend Project Wolf Hunting (2023) to anyone with a taste for action horror hybrids, especially ones that come with B-movie grade craziness and geysers of blood to satisfy the inner gorehound! A nonstop thrill ride of (literal) bloody proportions, tailor made for long nights of exploitation cinema and splatter movie runs!

Bodycount:

1 male killed in suicide bombing

7 victims killed in suicide bombing

1 male knifed in the neck (flashback)

1 male seen murdered (flashback)

1 male seen murdered (flashback)

1 male brained with a nailgun

1 male shot on the head with a nailgun, beaten to death

1 male stabbed to death with a switchblade

1 male shot to death

1 male shot to death

1 male bashed on the head with boltcutters

1 male throat cut with a switchblade, stabbed to death

1 male repeatedly beaten with steel cuffs, hunting knife buried into his chest

1 male stabbed in the jaw with a hunting knife

1 male shot to death

2 males shot to death

1 female seen dead from knife wound (flashback)

1 male shot to death

1 male shot to death

1 male stabbed in the neck with a hunting knife

1 male hacked to death with a hatchet

1 male shot to death

1 male shot on the head

1 male shot to death

1 male kicked across a room, crushed on impact

1 male had his throat cut with  knife

1 male had his throat ripped off

1 male stomped on the back

1 male punched to death

2 males had their throats crushed

1 male scalp torn off, stomped on the chest

1 male elbowed, brained against a gas tank

2 males shot to death

1 male had his face pulped with a punch

1 male shot to death

1 male bashed headless with a sledgehammer

1 male had his head crushed

1 male found with a ripped throat

1 male killed offscreen

1 female had her throat ripped off

1 male had his head stepped on, crushed

1 male punched across a room, head bashed against a table

1 female slashed across the face with a hunting knife, bled to death

1 male had his legs sliced in half with a hunting knife, chest stomped on

1 female pinned to a wall with a hunting knife to the neck

1 male had his chest punched open

1 male beaten to death with his own severed arm

1 male had his throat crushed (flashback)

1 female brained against a table (flashback)

1 female bashed with a skull (flashback)

1 male bashed with a skull (flashback)

1 male brained with a skull (flashback)

1 male brained to death with a skull (flashback)

1 male brained to death with a skull (flashback)

1 male brained to death with a skull (flashback)

1 male brained to death with a skull (flashback)

1 male brained with a skull (flashback)

1 male shot on the head (flashback)

1 male repeatedly stomped on, killed in elevator crash

1 male kicked on the head, neck broken

1 female shot on the head

1 female shot to death

1 male had his neck broken

1 male shot on the head

1 male expires from an experiment (flashback)

A number of victims seen dead from experiments (flashback)

1 male pushed unto a steel pipe, neck impaled (flashback)

1 male gutted offcamera

1 male crushed with a metal door

1 male shot to death

1 male shot to death

1 male knifed in the neck

1 male brained to death with a rifle

1 male beaten to death

1 male shot to death

1 male shot to death

1 male shot to death

1 male had his throat cut with a hunting knife

1 male stabbed and slashed to death with a hunting knife

Total: 87+

Drop on By The Clown Cafe: Terrifier 2 (2022)

Terrifier 2 (2022)

Rating: ***1/2

Starring: Lauren LaVera, David Howard Thornton and Jenna Kanell

If you've been following all of director Damien Leone's filmography, then you'll know that whenever a certain pointy-nosed mime who goes by "Art The Clown" appears, it's bound to be a splatterpunk's wet dream at its most nihilistic and sadistic. And so on that note, here we are back for round two of Art's own picture deal wherein he terrorizes yet another Halloween night, leaving mutilations, gore-filled torture and traumatic deaths wherever he walks.

Picking off a year after the events of the first film, wherein Art stalked, brutalized and massacred a number of people at Miles County, it's Halloween once again and the town simply wanted to move past that horrific night, despite the lingering question as to whether the face-painted maniac is really dead or not since his body disappeared right after it got carted to a local morgue and the coroner attending the supposed stiff ended up as a corpse himself. With this, Art has become the local boogeyman but, unfortunately for the timid town of Miles County, he is very much alive and kicking through supernatural means and he's going to further cement his reputation as the stuff of nightmares as he prepares for another night of senseless murders and bloody bodycount, tagging along a mysterious creepy pale clown girl who is seemingly visible only to a few and acts as his little partner-in-crime.

Elsewhere, artistic teenager Sienna Shaw and her geeky, horror-loving younger brother Jonathan are still dealing with the loss of their father who offed himself some time ago. It appears the two have found themselves under Art's radar somehow, with Sienna encountering him in a dream in which he slays the cast and crew of a nonsensical show (with an earworm-inducing theme song) before setting everything on fire, an attack that somehow also sets Sienna's costume ablaze and nearly burning down the house. Jonathan, in turn, spots him at School playing with a dead possum, a sick act that got the boy suspended after he's mistaken to be the one responsible for the mess. As the Shaw household gets rockier with all the unnerving mishaps piling up, the closer Art draws near on getting his hands on these two, but not before ending a few of the siblings' friends, family and random bystanders left and right in the most brutally grotesque ways.

With an outrageous running time of two hours and eighteen minutes (?!), Terrifier 2 (2022) aims to upstage its predecessor by any means possible and it succeeds at this to a degree in terms of plotting and brutality; while the original Terrifier (2017) is basically just our crazed clown stalking and killing people from point A to point B in a it-goes-wherever-it-goes-flow, the sequel does take it time to focus on its protagonists and build the plot around them and their hinted connection to Art and his new ghoulish little girl cohort. It works in a way that the Shaw siblings are written realistically and acted magnificently by Lauren LaVera and young Elliott Fullam, though the execution of the potential lore behind who or what Art The Clown might be, as well as his ties to the Shaws might divide some folks and their need to satisfy a budding curiosity. It's already a given matter that something supernatural is at foot the moment Art survived shooting his own head and then walking it off to kill more people at the same night, but the way this is further implemented into the film can feel a little clumsy, adding in more bits and pieces that doesn't really go anywhere except making the movie unnecessarily confusing and long. 

For one, it's suggested here that the Shaw patriarch have some sort of link to the clown's massacres as news clippings and sketches of familiar murders were seen inside his sketchbook, implementing that his mental decline and eventual suicide could have been more than just a mere case of depression. This, sadly, was never uttered again nor any no solid conclusion was even given, but this is chicken feed compared to the Deux Ex Machina moment wherein, without spoiling much, a weapon suddenly gains the ability to revive and heal just because it was proposed to be significant earlier on. Where and how did this even happened? Don't bother. It was in a dead man's sketchbook so I guess we're supposed to roll with it.

Bloated and patchy story aside, you can at least safely bet that Terrifier 2 is still a brutal film to sit through when it comes to its kills, probably even more as it delves quite close into torture porn territory; rather than giving us quick-cut yet gory slayings and maybe one or two extreme murders to be imprinted into our inner gorehound, this sequel opted to prolong the suffering and gruesome display as Art (still the amazing David Howard Thornton) brutalizes his victims either to death or after, all the while still being horridly playful in his body language, to the point that it's effectively unnerving. One horrifying visage, for example, have an unfortunate gal getting savaged with surgical scissors and scalpel, her scalp and limbs torn off before being tortured with salt and bleach, all for it to end with her mother finding a nightmarish scene that even I didn't expect. Corpses get fed with mashed potatoes in front of loved ones, heads are used as candy bowls for Trick or Treating, chests were pried to get a beating heart to munch on, yes, Terrifier 2 outdid itself in intense gore and traumatic horror. It's bound to upset a lot of stomachs, though probably at the cost of padding the running time a little more than needed.

To be frank, however, it is around the last thirty minutes that the film really started to fizzle dry as, again, for a film clocking two and a quarter hours, we're practically treated with an overly long climax where we simply watch a cycle of stalking, stabbing, fighting and fake-out deaths between Sienna and Art. It became repetitive and drawn out at this point, with hardly to no surprises to reward our patience apart from more weird nightmare logic, macabre visions and a random power-up, all topped with an expected sequel bait that's as grisly and messy as it is peculiar and darkly hilarious. It is here were we can certainly tell the movie as a whole could have benefitted with a trim or two behind the editing room, giving us more of an engaging narrative than the resulting product here.

I can unquestionably respect the strive done to give something bigger, badder and better for the Terrifier franchise, but sometimes it is best to keep things simple, if not humble. If you can look past its the downcast aim for a story and overindulgent last act, Terrifier 2 is just as entertainingly savage as the first film and (patient) fans of extreme horror, grindhouse splatter and B-grade slashers can definitely get a kick out of the paramount of a massacre that is this movie!

Bodycount:

1 male gets a broken mop handle through the head offscreen

8 males and 6 female shot dead with a tommy gun (dream)

1 male set ablaze with a blowtorch (dream)

1 female seen with a wounded hand, killed (dream)

1 male seen on fire (dream)

1 boy found dead from tainted cereal (dream)

1 male hacked on the head with a cleaver, decapitated

1 female scalped and slaughtered to death with surgical scissors and a scalpel 

1 female seen decapitated

1 female had her head blown off with a shotgun

1 male repeatedly knifed on the groin, castrated

1 female pulverized with a blade-studded table leg

Total: 25*

(*I did not count the coroner's death as I already counted it back at my Terrifer (2017) review. As much as I want to detail here how the poor shmuck died, I don't want to be redundant just for the sake of good gore.) 

Murderous Mogul's Slasher Soiree: Invitation Only (2009)

Invitation Only (Jue Ming Pai Dui) (Taiwan, 2009)

Rating: ***

Starring: Ray Chang, Julianne Chu and Maria Ozawa

Following the success of torture porn films like Hostel (2005) and Saw (2003), it's little to no surprise that many films would cash in and give rise to the "gorno" sub-genre around the mid to late 2000s, among them being foreign titles, most notably France with its wave of New French Extremity movies like Inside (2007), Frontier(s) (2007) and Martyrs (2008). Here we see Taiwan's take on the modern day splatter subgenre, marketed as the country's "first slasher" film which is, technically, about a third of the truth.

Average guy Wade Chen is a chauffer who finds himself escorting a rich corporate CEO around town one day, only to accidentally find the high profile client getting scandalously frisky with a supermodel at a car park. As an apparent mean to buy his silence, the CEO hands Wade an invitation to a secretive party exclusive only to society's elites and instructs him to pose as his cousin. There, he and four other newcomers to the function indulge themselves to everything their hearts desire, this includes a little pitch of writing down their wildest dreams at the back of their invites so the host can grant them as welcome gifts. Things were good. 

Too good.

It isn't long before we see someone in a papermache mask stalking the newcomers, bloodily maiming them before putting them on stage for a torture spectacle for the depraved rich. It turns out these five debutantes have their own little indiscretions with the wealthy and the whole shindig is how the high class get even with their misdemeanors. As the crowd cheers for their demise, what remains of the group has no choice but to fight back if they want to make it out of this nightmare alive.

Practically, Invitation Only (2009) is a melting fondue pot of slasher film stalk-and-stab and sadistic torture porn horror show as it starts off with a lot of quick yet brutal kills courtesy of your classic masked maniac before transitioning to a Hostel clone with an arguably decent amount tension and bloodshed. Notable gory moments include one wannabe politician getting his groin crushed with a pair of battery clamps before having them cooked ala deep fried mountain oysters, while a thieving nurse gets an impromptu face surgery with salts and a stapler. This said, there's nothing new to speak of here as the format of the plot and little details here and there are lifted from Eli Roth's film (Heck, one guy who happens to be American even look like Roth), though I have to give credit when credit is due as director Kevin Ko seems to have a good understanding on what makes both the slasher and torture porn elements work as the gruesomely inventive set pieces do enough to have enough of an impact despite being done before and the obvious lack of budget.

The characters are mostly a viable bunch, especially our main man Wade who, while not an entire saint, is a decent average joe of a guy who just wanted to taste a bit of the good life after being pushed around by his superiors. Interestingly, there's an attempt to give more layer behind the entire torture show as the host shares his past involving one of his father's former clients kidnapping him and his sister as a child and holding them for ransom, only for his sister to die during the ordeal, but the implementation of it is flimsy at its worse and it quickly devolves into yet another "we can do this because we're rich" shtick. This misguided plot detail is hardly a distraction to the gory meat and bone of things, however, so it isn't that hard to overlook. 

Standing in that fine borderline between inspired and ripping off, Invitation Only (2009) is an agreeably solid slasher/torture porn mash-up from our Taiwanese friends that delivers enough thrills and bloodletting to be undemandingly entertaining, given you can forgive its recycled ideas and horror tropes. All in all, not too shabby!

Bodycount:

1 female head and hands found inside a purse

1 female had her throat cut

1 female had her throat cut with a dagger

1 male seen dying from wounds

1 male had his groin clamped and electrocuted with a car battery

1 male shot on the head with a shotgun

1 male beaten to death with a lead pipe

1 male shot with a shotgun

1 female had her throat cut with a kukri, bled to death

1 male decapitated with an axe

1 female bled to death from a stabbed gut

Total: 11

A Texas Ghost Town Encounter: Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2022)

Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2022)

Rating: ***1/2

Starring: Sarah Yarkin, Elsie Fisher and Mark Burnham

It's been a while since we got another timeline for our favorite powertool-wielding, face-wearing Texan, isn't it?

Picking up decades after the original 1974 Texas Chainsaw Massacre, we follow young entrepreneurs Melody and Dante as they travel to Harlow, a supposedly abandoned Texas town, to auction off its properties to visiting buyers eager to turn the area into a trendy, gentrified haven. Tagged along with them is Dante's girlfriend Ruth and Melody's sister Lila, and things go off on a rather rocky start when, while inspecting an old orphanage, the group discovers it is still occupied by an elderly woman named Virginia who claims she still owns the building. An argument breaks out and ends with cops being called, Virginia's heart acting out from the stress and the last of her ward, a towering silent man, accompanying her as she's taken to a hospital. 

It all goes downhill from here when, while the teens busy themselves with the arriving real estate party, Virginia passes away in her ward's arms, triggering a murderous psychosis in him as it's revealed he's none other than Leatherface, the maniac responsible for the 1973 murders, hiding in plain sight all these years. Now making his way back to Harlow, leaving a trail of bodies behind, Leatherface sets his eyes on slaughtering anyone that comes across his path, this including our doomed little business group and a busload of gentrifying influencers.  

While "legacy sequels" like Halloween (2017) and Candyman (2021) busy themselves expanding the lore of the franchise while trying to do its own thing, Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2022) does little of the world building and more on running a bonafide straightforward B-flick slasher that's only in it for blood, guts and chainsaw carnage.

The plot is fairly simplistic, practically a hack 'n slash horror flick in its bare bones as it centers more on putting Leatherface on a solo villain act, with the rest of the Sawyer clan nowhere to be seen or are even mentioned. Its quick pacing meant the bodycount starts ramping up as soon as our killer Texan could grab hold of something sharp and pointy, and it doesn't stinge on the gore as practical and CG effects meld well here to deliver the gruesome goods, this including a bleak and nihilistic bus scene that will go down as one of slasher history's messiest climax, earning this movie's infamous title. 

These being the case, however, it does mean that writing isn't this film's best forte: with a story that focuses more on a killer and his kills, the rest of the characters hardly have any other personality apart from what they present outward, thus are thin on being interesting and/or likable. Plot holes are ever present, like how exactly Leatherface ended up living with Virginia in her orphanage after the events of the original film or the fact that our maniac is looking pretty sturdy and seemingly bulletproof for someone who's supposedly in their 70s to 80s. (I mean, it's been five decades, man! How is he not shriveled? Or riding a motorized scooter?!) There's also the matter that the film wasted potential elements that could have made this film a bit more engaging by mishandling and/or barely exploring ideas such as the real estate property sale, one of our main character's little history as a school shooting survivor, or having Sally Hardesty, the one who got away from Leatherface's massacre of '73, come back as a ranger grabbing the opportunity to end the monster haunting her all of these years. These little snippets could have been more but, no, they're there for five minutes and nothing else.

A clumsy execution, true, but if you're looking to entertain yourself with a back to basics slasher, these are nothing but small expected misfires. If anything, I'm just glad this film didn't try to reinvent itself much, staying true to the isolated Southern fried tone of the original with gorgeous scenery, worthwhile cinematography and a dash of dark humor to go along its carnal atrocities. (Yeah, let's see how well those social media likes can protect you from a gas powered cutting tool) The onscreen talents are alright despite the simple script and the take on Leatherface here is among the best I've seen for a good long while, an intimidating hulk of muscle and rage under his freshly skinned face mask, though somewhat still sympathetic as you kinda feel for his loss. Shocks and scares also has a genuine attempt here as the direction did play with our expectations a bit, especially around the beginning wherein who to trust and not gets juggled around to a good extent.

To put it short, I really enjoyed this. It's a bodycounter poking holes here and there, but makes up for it with tons of horrific fun meant to satisfy gore hounds and slasher purists. A blood soaked butchery in its sincerest form, Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2022) is a definite keeper!  

Bodycount:

1 elderly female suffers through a heart attack

1 male had his hand broken, stabbed in the neck with a bone

7 victims seen dead from a school shooting (flashback)

1 male shot on the neck, brained with an air tank

1 female gutted with a metal shard

1 male hacked and mutilated with a meat cleaver, bled to death

1 male had his neck stabbed unto a window shard, head pulped with a sledgehammer

1 male decapitated with a chainsaw

1 male gutted with a chainsaw

1 male eviscerated with a chainsaw

1 male ran through with a chainsaw

1 male slashed with a chainsaw

1 male sliced down with a chainsaw, leg cut off

1 victim ran down with a chainsaw (mostly offcamera, screams heard)

1 victim slashed with a chainsaw (mostly offcamera, screams heard)

1 male gutted with a chainsaw

1 male ran down with a chainsaw (mostly offcamera, screams heard)

1 male seen with a missing arm, killed

1 male ran through with a chainsaw

1 female ran through with a chainsaw

6 victims seen slaughtered with a chainsaw

1 female sliced in half with a chainsaw

2 females and 1 male presumably killed offcamera with a chainsaw

1 female ran through with a chainsaw

1 female decapitated with a chainsaw

Total: 38