Who Dares To Ride?: CarousHell (2016)

CarousHell (2016)

Rating: ***

Starring: Steve Rimpici, Sé Marie, Haley Madison

It's a testament to how far I've gone as a slasher fan when the phrase "killer carousel unicorn slasher" doesn't even faze me.

Meet Duke, the prettiest goddamn unicorn in the world. He's stuck working in a fun park as one of the carousel horses and he's hating every minute of it as day by day, it's nothing more than snot-nosed brats riding on his back while he's forced to grin and bear it. He feels his life is going nowhere and yearns to finally get out to make the world pay, but little does he and everybody else know is that his day of reckoning is near.

After a fat kid took a ride on him and abused him with boogers one day, Duke had enough and breaks out of the carousel to start stalking down the boy, goring, stomping, and bucking everybody else that got in the way or those he just felt like killing. Trailing him is Cowboy Cool, one of the mascots of the fun park who's now well aware of Duke's killing spree and has apparently come prepared to end him. But will he make it in time? Or will the pissed-off equine horror gets his hooves bloodied with fat kid guts?

And for God's sake, will someone just pay the pizza guy?

With a running time of only an hour and six minutes, CarousHell is micro-budget do-it-yourself slasher horror comedy done well, heartily serving a good amount of gory demises one would not expect coming from a levitating carousel horse with an attitude, as well as a few good laughs along the way. It's story may not pack much of a surprise as it is the bare bone slasher formula of someone - or something, in this case - getting wronged, thus going on a killing spree against anyone who comes within hooves length, only the film follows the flow in a near-parodying self-satire manner, even chucking in a random human killer who's not too happy that a plastic unicorn has stolen his thunder. (Though he's still polite enough to let said killer plastic unicorn borrow his axe) 

Much of what makes the humor in CarousHell mostly work is its writing and the energetic execution by everyone involved, whether on or behind the screen. Yes, there are a few gags that missed, felt too cheesy or went on too long, particularly the ones involving a pair of (possibly incestuous?) Canadians who openly despise Americans, but the rest of the jokes are a gaggle of laughs like its jab at bronies, the adult fans of My Little Pony; a montage of Duke partying with his soon-to-be victims and a running gag of director Steve Rudzinski as Joe The Pizza Guy who's dedication to his job made him oblivious to a girl's constant flirting and wants nothing more than to get paid for the pizza he's delivering.

And then there's Steve Rimpici as Duke. (Or, rather, the voice of Duke) Despite the limited effects used to make our killer unicorn "alive" (I think they call it "chuckimation"?), Rimpici's lively voice acting and given script gave enough of an identity to the plastic menace that its kinda hilarious seeing how bitter Duke has become. Thus, his enjoyment from dismembering random people and, too, his confusion to how some of them react to him from casual acknowledgement to horrified surprise often feels very infectious in turn, as you root for him in his often distracted mission on ending one boy's life.

Speaking of dismemberment, I do like the fact that albeit having a talking horned horse as a villain, CarousHell embraces the absurdity of its plot and simply have Duke murder his victims like any human slasher would, limiting horn goring to a couple of kills while filling the rest of the bodycount with death by machetes, garrotes, plastic flamingos or, among the few that got me laughing, ninja stars and laser vision that came out of left field. How he does it doesn't matter, but what does is the gore used here looking way better than it should be given the small budget this movie had to work on, so kudos to the special effects people responsible to this film's splashy latex parts and chunky blood! The effects rock, so you all rock!

So, not much of a movie for those looking for something less ridiculous, but CarousHell is made for good cheesy laughs and a quick night of nearly decapitated heads and unicorn sex. If you ever find yourself the chance to see this movie, give it a try or else face the wrath of Duke! IN HELL!

Bodycount:

1 male gored on the neck

1 male hacked on the head with a machete

1 male gets throwing stars to the back

1 female had her neck garroted open

1 male had his head kicked apart

2 males impaled with a pink lawn flamingo

1 female trampled to death

1 male gored on the gut

1 female had her neck bitten open

1 male shot with an arrow

1 female shot on the neck with an arrow

1 female shot on the chest with an arrow

1 male had his face stomped in

1 male axed on the head

1 male had his face repeatedly sliced with a pizza cutter

1 female cooked alive with laser vision

1 male dies from an axed back

1 boy ran over with a car

Total: 19

The Campaign Night He Came Home: President Evil (2018)

President Evil (2018)

Rating: **1/2

Starring:  Ryan Quinn Adams, Kevin Alain, Sitara Attaie

Despite sounding a whole lot like a political satire of a zombie movie, President Evil (2018) is instead a parody of John Carpenter's Halloween (1978) centered on a goofier take on Donald Trump as a plus-sized murderer going around killing (and insulting?) people who aren't with the Republican party.

It begins with the point-of-view shot of some kid named David, sneaking up on his gold-digging pornstar mom and her lover getting into some smut talk while his unnamed real estate billionaire dad's away. It also happens to be the early 80s and around a presidential election so everybody's on a political mood, down to the Ronald Reagan masks and republican letter openers. Can you take a quick guess what David wore and used to pop dear ole' mum's water balloon implants with out of sheer anger?

David is then caught and institutionalized until decades into the present, when he murders his way out to freedom, heading back to his hometown of Libertybelle where life is hard, unless you're white. By luck, the night he comes home coincides with Trump's ‘state of the union’ address, something our Muslim heroine Lana and her Mexican, Haitian and transgender friends wanted to watch and poke fun at seeing that evening's also Halloween.

With David more or less set to go on a killing spree targeting anyone who isn't white or straight, all the while empowered by the powers of the Dark One courtesy of an unexpected ally, Lana and her friends have no choice but to defend themselves against the large gut and sharpened knife of an angry Republican in a bad wig and mask! 

Now, as a self-proclaimed guy living comfortably under a rock, I never see myself as a political person even til' this day. I understand there is a need for a government to exist as we cannot function without order, as well as the matter that a government cannot exist without its people to support it, but you wouldn't find me arguing on who fucked a donkey or who had a quickie with an elephant as, to simply put it, I just don't have the patience for it and the subject of politics bores me.

This said, with a range of satire from name-dropping (or hinting) political figures involved with the Trump administration to lengthy talks of how Republicans are evil and Democrats are good fueling every scene like precious life blood, President Evil is just forced and hardly subtle. It's a point that hurts the movie as it makes the plot and gags feel rather dated, replacing much of the wit and humor with outcries lazily driven by a single political jab and hardly anything else. There are moments that got me laughing at the cheesiness and outrageousness of the scenes (Particularly the ones with a vandalized tombstone, a demonic pact and David's defeat in the end. Oh god, you wouldn't believe how much I laughed at these) but they're very scarce and peppered throughout the movie awfully far apart.

On the horror side of this horror-comedy, President Evil is literally a Halloween (1978) clone that deviates little from the source, dropping in other slasher knock-off sequences like Psycho (1960)'s stair kill whenever its not sparing some time poking fun at the state of America under Trump. Despite this, the murders are sadly dry and lacking variety as they're mostly knife murders, their only identifiable trait being that they come after a joke or two. I could blame the movie's low budget, but I've seen other slasher titles with minimal funding do better with their bloodletting so this just comes off underwhelming. At least some of these jokey killings work alright and our masked maniac does look memorable enough for what the jests are worth, wielding a flag-themed kitchen knife and donning a cheap Trump mask topped with a bad wig.

Frankly, I understand the filmmakers' grounds and what they're trying to achieve here, it's just that I'm not the right audience for this kind of jabs. Again, government politics bore me and President Evil has enough pleasantries to tackle the subject sideways, but all I want in a slasher comedy is a good kill count, maybe some splatstick gore and a much more general array of funnies that anybody, regardless of age, gender, skin color, beliefs and preferred barnyard animal can enjoy. It still had me laughing at times so I will give it that, but I'm sure there are others out there who will love this more than I do. 

Bodycount:

1 female stabbed in the chest implants with a letter opener

1 female found dying from a stabbed back

2 males found murdered

1 victim mentioned murdered

1 male knifed to death

1 female knifed on the back

1 male knifed to death

1 female knifed to death

1 male shot dead

1 male decimated with a grenade launcher

Total: 11

That Fantasy Island (2020) Trailer...

First The Banana Splits (2019), now Fantasy Island? If we're gonna rebranding normal TV shows into horror films, may I suggest Love Boat next? It can be like that skit from Family Guy with the Somali pirates. Only, maybe, a murder mystery instead?

Yeah, that'll be funny...

Rotten Bananas: The Banana Splits Movie (2019)

The Banana Splits Movie (2019)
Rating: ***1/2
Starring: Dani Kind, Finlay Wojtak-Hissong, Romeo Carere

Well, just when I thought slasher cinema couldn't get any weirder, here we have an officially licensed horror movie about mascot characters from an obscure 60s variety program created by Hanna-Barbera (as in Yogi Bear, The Flintstones, Scooby-Doo Hanna-Barbera) as murderous robots. Considering we got Harvey Birdman: Attorney at Law out there, I guess it shouldn't come as a surprise we're going Chopping Mall (1986) with The Banana Splits!

Set in a universe where The Banana Splits show is still on-going and well loved by many kids, young superfan Harley gets the chance to see a live recording of the program when his parents Beth and Mitch got tickets for five for his birthday. Tagging along Harley's sweet 19-year old brother Austin and a classmate named Zoey, the family soon drives to the Split's studio, unbeknownst to them that this is actually the last taping they're attending following the show's unexpected cancellation.

Unfortunately for all of those involved in the show, as well as Harley's family and pretty much the rest of the audience, the Splits aren't too happy with the cancellation and they decided to do everything they can to make sure the show must go on, including killing a few bad eggs and the occasional bystanders. And to make matters worse, these aren't just people in funny animal suits, they're animatronics. Walking, talking, life-sized, steel-strong and hardwired animatronics.

With an impassive yet silly approach on the subject, The Banana Splits Movie (2019) stands out as an odd ball of cheese and mire reminding us why mascot characters can be so darn creepy and what kind of horror show awaits us in the bizarre situation of them being Terminator-esque robots underneath all of them fluff and felt, all the while injecting family melodrama and themes concerning maturity for that little shred of character development that thankfully didn't get too hammy.

Structurally, The Banana Splits Movie (2019) is thin in story and formulaic at times, finding one reason to the next to split up our casts in a nearly-abandoned filming studio, just to dish out overly gory and torturous kills to the expected obnoxious types from cheating husbands and drunken actors to pushy stage dads and annoying men-children. Nevertheless, the overall direction, pace and atmosphere of the movie makes up for the plot holes and cliches, choosing to ignore vital story points like why exactly are the Splits robots or why nobody seems to deeply question this, for the sake of diving the movie down to pure exploitation territory rich with black humor, twisted grit and delicious practical gore that is begging to suspend disbelief and just be ridiculously dark. Thus, it doesn't feel overly serious despite the straight-faced acting and muted backdrops, nor are we to expect it will give the time of day to broaden its characters to more than two dimensions, so we more or less have a malarkey plot of killer robot mascots here and so long as they're braining people with hammers or setting them on fire, I'm quite fine with that.

Concept-wise, the film isn't overly scary but it does have its unsettling and distressing moments (them kids are gonna need years of therapy) and a fun set of fluffy villains that succeeds on being maliciously creepy. It is an overall fun B-grade slasher romp that utilizes its own absurdity, subverting childhood nostalgia into something sinister to great effect which we slasher fans can warmly welcome from a bonafide guilty pleasure! What else is there to say but The Banana Splits Movie (2019) is making up a mess of fun and it's bloody fun for (probably, mostly) everyone!

Bodycount:
1 male gets a prop lollipop shoved down his throat, crushing it apart
1 male chopped in half with a prop saw
1 male found beheaded
1 male had his back stabbed and pried open with a prop key
1 female bashed on the face with a mallet
1 male slashed with a metal claw
1 male found stabbed in the eyes with drumsticks
A number of victims found murdered and hoarded into a pile
1 male had his limbs torn off
1 male ran over with a buggy
Total: 9+

Little Pig, Little Pig: Wolves At The Door (2016)

Wolves at The Door (2016)
Rating: **
Starring: Katie Cassidy, Elizabeth Henstridge, Adam Campbell

The moment I saw the word "pig" written in blood during its trailer, I already knew how Wolves At The Door (2016) will end.

Being a horror fan normally meant grossing over spooky, creepy and morbid stuff at a varying degree, this including a level of fascination to real life monsters and atrocities such as deranged cult leaders forcing an entire community to commit suicide for the sole purpose of enlightenment, or serial killers who prey on women using their charm and wit. This said, one can imagine that a good bunch of us know a thing or two about Charles Manson and his so-called Manson Family, a cult of deranged and/or brainwashed individuals who were responsible for seven murders under the belief that it would incite an apocalyptic race war known as "Helter Skelter" back at the 1960s.

These killings gained notoriety due to the fact that one of their victims was the late actress Sharon Tate, who was eight-and-a-half months pregnant with her husband Roman Polanski's child. The crime would soon lead to the investigation and eventual arrest of the responsible members of Manson's so-called family, as well as Manson himself under the charges of conspiracy to commit the murders, among many other crimes.

As one can imagine, this is some heavy stuff and it have been covered multiple times through many mediums from books to documentaries and dramas. You could even say that the deranged character of the cult influenced a decent dose of horror movies back at the days until recently, from titles like I Drink Your Blood (1970) to Manson's Lost Girls (2016), so was it really a terrible idea to make a slasher film based on Manson and his cult?

Truthfully, it all falls to what the movie will make out of such a touchy subject. Wolves At The Door (2016) follows four friends- pregnant actress Sharon, her friends Jay and Abigail, and Abi's boyfriend Wojciech- hanging out in their rented Hollywood hills home to commemorate their last night with Abigail as she will be moving back with her parents at Boston. What they didn't count on happening, unfortunately, is the arrival of four murderous individuals who have no plan on leaving any of them alive.

If this sounds like your average slasher plot, that is because it is. Unfortunately, this itself is sure to leave a bad taste to most movie goers' mouths as Wolves' lack of depth to its carnage comes out rather uncomfortable and even upsetting due many of the film's details make it look and feel like a fictionalized and exploited re-enactment of the infamous "Tate murders", wherein the aforementioned Sharon Tate, three of her friends, and a visiting student were killed by members of the Manson cult, in and nearby a house at Los Angeles. Given that the movie did try to do little changes to keep itself from being too parallel to its real life inspiration (the couple in the opening was based on another Manson cult attack, though what happened in real life ended differently...), things like naming the characters based on the people who were either killed or were associated with the crime, as well as not-so subtle hints that this film is based on said crime (the characters were hanging out at the El Coyote restaurant during the beginning of the film, and too the fact that "Sharon" just also happens to be pregnant) do otherwise and just left everything about this slasher feel convoluted; it's too close to home for escapism, too relentlessly exploitative and cheap to be a re-enactment.

To be fair, Wolves does have its little pros like a few good suspenseful scenes and some worthwhile scares, many of which probably stem from the uncomfortable historical backdrops and a few effectively executed jump and false scares. I also like the fact that the villains here are depicted as your typical silent boogeyman and boogeywomen-type, which I will honestly say are too good for this movie. The murders they committed in this film strike me as odd, though, as they were mostly done in a way that they are as obscured as the faces of the maniacs committing them, but enough were showcased with a fair amount of brutality and helplessness, a middle line that reflects the is-it-a-slasher-or-is-it-a-dramatization? nature of the film.

In the end, I find Wolves At The Door (2016), in a lack of a better term, pretty confusing. Not plot-wise, but as a production: was it made to commemorate the lives we lost from the doings of a deranged lunatic and his minions with its near-accuracy? If so, why do it in such an exploited manner by treating it like a generic slasher flick? If it was supposed to be a slasher flick/home invasion hybrid then, why feature so much details from the real world crime and used it as a plot point or element ? This kind of familiarity will spoil any supposed surprises this movie can come up, leading the final product either predictable and forgettable or just trying too hard to be shocking, which is exactly how I felt about this film. Don't waste your time with this film unless you are really really into Home Invasion/ slasher hybrids.

Bodycount:
1 male bashed on the face with a sledgehammer
1 male stabbed to death with a knife
1 female killed offcamera
1 male knifed to death
1 female stabbed with a knife, killed offcamera
Total: 5

The Classic American Figure of Death(?!) : Marco Polo (2008)

Marco Polo (2008)
Rating: ***
Starring: Christina DeRosa, Bryce Wagoner, Antonio D. Charity

Marco Polo was a Venetian merchant traveler who learned of the mercantile trade from his father and uncle, Niccolò and Maffeo. He will later join them in 1269 to embark on an epic journey to Asia, returning 24 years later to find Venice at war with Genoa. Marco was imprisoned and dictated his stories to a cellmate, who in turn recorded it and used the stories for a book that introduced Europeans to Asia. Marco was later released in 1299, became a wealthy merchant, married, had three children and then died in 1324, buried in the church of San Lorenzo in Venice.

With a life story like that, where does it say that Marco Polo makes a great slasher villain?

Apparently, you just have to twist the truth all the way around to do just that as, in the world of 2008's Marco Polo, the man was actually a victim of a savage mutiny back at 1324, when his own crew decided to torment him and his family. His eyes were thumbed out, forcing him to listen to the rape and deaths of his wife and children, maddening him to the point of killing some of his attackers before being murdered himself.

An odd take on alternate history but a passable campfire story for this movie's present day teenage campers to pass around. However, unknown to all of them, the angry spirit of Marco Polo is frighteningly real, haunting the very woods they are staying at and possessing a random masked hunter earlier that day. Inevitably, they are soon hunted by the deranged Polo, machete and axe at hand, and the only way for these kids to make out of the forest is to either fight back, or die in pieces.

I wouldn't be lying much calling Marco Polo your basic backwoods slasher because it did play as one down to the very tropes. The only difference between this title to most other forest massacres, other than fictionalizing a historical figure into a savage madman, is that the characters were given enough realistic and engaging personalities to at least make their interactions and conversations more interesting than one-liner gags and cheesy woozits, thus rooting for them to survive ain't all that impossible. And with the kind of direction this movie pulled off, much like how the earlier Friday the 13th entries laid low on the bloodshed around the first act to give the kids enough exposure, there's no denying Marco Polo's script and plot works really well, particularly when it also played around with the pecking order. (The nicest girl dies early, for one. Not a pretty sight but all for horror, I guess.)

When the killings finally happen, though, things got damn ugly in the right ways; much to my delight, we got gruesome grues in the reddest and splashiest means possible, done away with fairly great practical and make-up effects, with one unexpected bisection being my personal fave. A few of these murders did get a tad silly (death by a nailed rake handle?) but the nasty surprises and unexpected turns made them horrifically fun and horror hound pleasing.

The only problem I got with this movie is that the killer committing them did not impressed me that much despite having a curious backstory. He has the hulking menace thing just fine, but I sincerely find his presence forgettable, lacking any real personality other than "be big and strong" and his overall appearance just doesn't cut it for me. (Camouflage suit and a paintballer's mask. Doesn't say homicidal Venetian to be honest...) In fact, why exactly was this movie slasherfying Marco Polo? The killer here barely did anything 1300s-related like spew out old timey one-liners or wear old Venetian gear, so the ghost possessing the killer meatbag could have been easily replaced by any other angry vengeful spirit. My guess was the producers were trying to do their own take on  "game-based" slasher movies like T.A.G. The Assasination Game or Hide and Go Shriek, evident with the understandably underused gimmick wherein the killer only attacks those who answer "Polo" whenever he ghostly calls out "Marco". I recall this was only used twice in the movie so it didn't really add much to the story and it's honestly silly. But hey, so long as blood and guts be rolling down like rivers, they could have been gimmicky with other kiddie games like balloon volleyball for all I care.

Weird stratagem and odd choice of killer aside, Marco Polo still delivers the goods and more as a forest-bound dead teenager flick and should earn a lookie look for that. It's not doing anything groundbreaking as a slasher but, again, the characters are a decent bunch and the terror they go through is enough to entertain a fair horror fan. It can be a bit cheesy on occasions but what slasher movie hasn't? I say give this one a try should the opportunity ever come and enjoy the horror that is the vengeful Venetian merchant "Marco Polo".

 Bodycount:
1 boy strangled
1 female brained with a club
1 female killed
1 male shot with a shotgun
1 dog shot with a shotgun
1 male gets a thrown axe to the head
1 female beheaded with an axe
1 male stabbed with a machete, eyes gouged
1 female had her neck punctured with a nailed rake handle, bled to death
1 male chopped in half with a machete, shot on the head
1 male gets a thrown machete to the chest
1 male hacked with an axe, shot dead
2 females skewered with a spike
1 male stabbed on the back with a spike
Total: 15

Even More Slasher Sequels for Normie Movies

Wow, how long since I had done this?

You know these movies. People loved them. You might too, but sometimes I wonder what will happen if some nut decide to turn the franchise into something...bloody? Gored up? blood soak with something red and sticky? When a masked psycho stalks a singing couple, or when an escaped loon take refuge in a house belonging to a stereotypical family? When normal movies suddenly gain "Slasher Sequels!"

Here are some of the "slasher sequels" I made up for your or your family's favorite films. Now don't kill me for this, I just wanna have fun..

Matilda

Suggested Titles: The Wormwoods (Matilda II)
Tagline: Crime doesn't pay. It follows you...

What would happen: Two years after the events of the original, Matilda's real family, The Wormwoods, had moved to Guam to escape the authorities after a bust on their illegal car shop operation. Seeing an opportunity to restart his business, Harry Wormwood continues to make cars from used parts for unfair prices; that is until a suspicious worm-out car is seen driving by now and then.

Harry made nothing out of the mysterious car (though he sortah recognizes it as one of the cars he sold), but with the cops suddenly tailing on them sooner than they believed, the Wormwoods drove away into the hot desert, looking for an arranged accomplice who they will stay with until the heat is off. Things were going according to plan, until the mysterious driver ran over their son, and began killing everybody they came contact with.

With the cops hot on their tail, and a madman apparently framing them for his killing spree, can the Wormwoods find a way to save themselves? Or die trying?

possible murders: A hit and run of a boy (yeah it's their son. forgot the brat's name...), a buck knife stabbing, someone got disemboweled with a bike's running tire and lots of shotgun shootouts.

Edward Scissorhands

Suggested Titles: Scissorhands: The untold tale.
Tagline: these blades where made for cutting...you

what would happen: In this basic slasher set-up, taking place in the present, a group of teens from the small town that Edward once became part of decided to make an investigatory thesis on the local legend based on Scissorhands.

Upon entering, they find themselves trapped after the floors gave up and caving them in. Looking for a way out, they found the lab where Edward was made, along with the notes explaining Edward's creation, showing the details of the project. Unfortunately, they're not the only one who's finding: someone inside in the mansion is picking them off one by one, with a deformed hand made with scissors. Could it be Edward? Or something else...

possible murders: disembowelment via scissors, head gorily sliced open with scissors, and a possible reenactment of Edward's town rampage, only this time, people die.

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

Suggested Titles: The Chocolate Factory
Tagline: The Sweetest Revenge is always served cold.

what would happen: Years after being traumatized by the events in the chocolate factory, the young boys and girls that was "rejected" by Wonka made a pact that one day, they'll visit the factory again and exact vengeance on Wonka for humiliating, and nearly killing, them. Unfortunately, as years go by, the factory shuts down after an accident killing an entire family residing in it, but that didn't stop the four children, now adults, to visit it and destroy the very thing that led their lives into depression.

As the group relive their nightmares, a group of teens had also made their way inside the chocolate factory in hopes of recovering lost packages of candy. hoping to sell them. But someone is still lurking inside the chocolate factory. Someone armed with a razor sharp cane, who then proceeds to kill them off, one by one, in a fate similar to what they once had before...

possible murders: fat guy nearly drowned in a chocolate river and then gets a throat slashed, fried by blinding TV lights, pulled apart by taffy puller, and burned alive in incinerator.

Twilight Saga

Suggested Title: Pixie Vamp Massacre
Tagline: If you think Vampire Horror is dead. Think again!

What would happen: Taking place in real life, this horror-comedy will concentrate on a studio who is planning to expand the Pixie Vamp franchise (a parody of Twilight) by making another sequel a few months right after they claimed that the last of the Quadrilogy is indeed their last movie. The Vamp fans rejoice, one angry and disgruntled horror fan isn't.

Some night later, a prop room was ransacked, a guard was murdered and a Transylvanian Knight costume had gone missing. Afraid of bad publicity, they covered this up as an "accident" and forges on to the filming, but unfortunately, the cast and crew begins to thin down as a killer in the Knight's suit began to decapitate, drive stakes and burn people with welded metal crosses, all in typical vampire lore fashion.

It's a race against time, and money, as the remaining crew tries to figure out who's the real killer among them, and whether they should do another movie that's only made it this far relying on heavy fanbase...

Possible murders: decapitation with head being juice for blood, wooden cross impalement, drowned in "holy water", burned alive with stage lights among all other possible vampire-related kills.

Allen Gregory (TV Animated series)

Suggested Title: The Sad Life and Death of Allen Gregory
Tagline: You've Hated the Show. Now love the Movie.

What will happen: In this animated movie, it follows the De Longpre family getting terrorized by a group of hooded punks. The twist here is that this is no mere home invasion; the Mexican maid Allen fired in one of the episodes exact vengeance via seeking the help of a voodoo witch doctor who raised the maid's dead sons after they committed suicide to ease their fired mother's burdens. The three revenants, who wears plastic masks to hide their demonically shut closed faces, then began to hunt down everyone that Allen mostly gets involved to, both adult and children. They kill them off one by one until it's only the De Longpre left, which the undead killers have a special game in store for them...

Possible murders: truck loads of nasty murders such as an entire family being slaughtered with axes, knifes and machete, a guy with a bad hair gets scalped and then electrocuted by smashing his head to a computer, an obese lady getting crushed with a garage door, people being run down with a car, torture via soaked feet and jumper cables to the groin, back being broken and then left for dead in a busy traffic, heads twisted, arms torn off, the sky's the limit for animated gore, and I'm hoping if this film's gonna be made, make it a competition for The Summer of Massacre. (Who, I would like to congratulate, for getting into the Guinness Book of Records for most bodycount in a slasher film!)

Faux Poster: High School Musical 4: Bloody Closing

A (badly drawn) poster of a faux sequel I made up for High School Musical!

High School Musical: Bloody Closing

   Singing turned screaming

 A year since the original cast graduated, a new set of wannabe normies singing and dancing around on how hard it is to fit in to a new school, but soon finds comfort from themselves as well as to others. Also, there's a she-psycho wearing a giant tennis ball mask deading people with musical instruments. When a new girl cross paths unsuspectedly with the killer while she was unmasked, she becomes the killer's new target and obsession...

More Slasher sequels for Normie Movies

Here comes another round of slasher-fied sequels for movies you'll never expect!

You know these movies. People loved them. You might too, but sometimes I wonder what will happen if some nut decide to turn the franchise into something...bloody? Gored up? blood soak with something red and sticky? When a masked psycho stalks a singing couple, or when an escaped loon take refuge in a house belonging to a stereotypical family? When normal movies suddenly gain "Slasher sequels!"

Here are some of the "slasher sequels" I made up for your or your family's or your parents' favorite films. Now don't kill me for this, I just wanna have fun...

Enchanted


Suggested Titles: Darkly Enchanted
Tagline: A Horrifying Fairytale/ There are no more happy endings...

what would happen: It's been years since Giselle lived in our world, she nearly lost all touch of her magical origins and is now a hardworking mother. But after a car crash took the life of her husband, Robert Phillip, a red, demonic looking court jester offers her to revive her fallen husband and she quickly agrees without knowing of the price.

Now, Robert is back from the dead, and everything seems to be fine, but when Robert starts seeing visions of murders at the hand of the Court Jester. Day by day, Robert changes violently, the murders began to get closer and closer, Giselle began to see what might have been the price: Her life.

possible murders: Your usual standard slasher murders. Since this is being more of a psychological horror, I guess the most gruesome would be an offscreen child murder

American Pie

 Suggested Titles: American Pie: DIE BETA! DIE!
Tagline: Sleaze and Squeeze, til you die!

what would happen: A new set of hapless teen virgins out for a conquest to lose their virginity, one way or another. That is, if they survive the night. After being admitted to BETA house by Dwight Stifler, a series of murders began occurring around those who're having sex, all of them murdered with sex toys-turned-weapons of mass murders. When some of the weapons were found in our hero's room, all the blame points to him. It's a race against time to prove himself innocent, find the killer before he kills again and finally de-virginize himself.

possible murders: A reenactment of the infamous famous skewering ala Friday the 13th part 2, but with a bladed dildo, a glass toy that burns and explodes from the inside (nothing beats internal bleeding) and a vibrator that goes to a mouth and electrocutes them.

Sister Act


Suggested Titles: Sister Act: Preying for God
Tagline:  The Preying Ground of Evil

what would happen: A pick pocketing African American girl finds herself hiding in a Roman Catholic church in a seedy neighborhood, in the run from the law, only to find herself accepted by the Reverend Mother, giving her a new home and a new hope as 'Sister Mary Clarence II".

As a newly appointed nun, Mary starts to find the ways of nunhood harder than what she pictured. But soon, she warms up to her new friends, until a string of unexplained accidents starts popping here and out and a figure in a nun's habit is seen skulking around. Is Sister Mary Clarence the killer? or is someone trying to frame her?

possible murders: A Rosary Strangling,  incense ball flailing, people setting ablaze by candles and, my personal favorite, a Crucifix bashing to the head.

Tropic Thunder


Suggested Titles: Tropic Thunder: Rain of madness
Tagline: GET SOME...AND THEN DIE...OVER AND OVER AGAIN!

what would happen: Seeing the success of making a movie out of "a real life attempt of making a movie based on supposed true to life book", a young indie director worming his way in Hollywood tries to do the same thing with his friends of D-List actors, by making a movie about a real life story of a film crew filming a movie about a group of soldiers getting lost in a forest, only to find themselves under the mercy of a group of hardened mercenaries. Everything was going according to plan, until the part when they were supposed to fight mercenaries. The group playing the movie's villains accidentally stumbled upon a hidden WWII military bunk, experimenting with super-soldiers. what they find there, and unleashed, is one of the test subjects, and he's very, very angry.

With a juiced-up, regenerating villain on the loose, is it too late for the film crew? Or are they just too dumb to figure out this is all for real?...Again?

possible murders: An impaling with bayonet, a guy gets his head smashed flat with a tree log, a victims gets his spine pulled off from his arse, a guy gets a machine gunned forced down his throat...and fired. Lots of cartoonish mayhem here.

Freaky Friday


Suggested Titles: Freaky Friday: Deadly Switch
Tagline:  She's no longer your girl next door...

what would happen: A dysfunctional mother and daughter pair gets a bigger problem when they went to a Chinese restaurant and a fight between them starts to brew. An elderly chinese woman gave them both a fortune cookie that would switch their personalities, but the two didn't open it. At their way home, a woman tries to steal their car, at gunpoint, but ended up having the purse instead, containing the cookie. Shortly after the woman was caught and found out she's actually a serial killer, wanted for the murder of 99 teenage boys, each after or before having sex with them.

On the woman's day of execution, both she and the girl opens their cookie and read their fortune, only to switch bodies with one another. With the girl now in the woman's body, she dies in the electric chair for a crime she didn't commit, and the killer is now free to walk again. But not if the suspecting mom has something to do with it.

possible murders: Lots of knife stabbings, a guy gets electrocuted in the bath tub, a dude gets his face doused with acid, a guy drinks a beer liced with lye and gets his insides melted, and throw little gun kills, and you got one freaky horror-comedy!

Slasher sequels for Normie Movies

You know these movies. People love them. You might too! But sometimes I wonder what will happen if some nut decides to turn the franchise into something...bloody? Gory? Soak with something red and sticky? When a masked psycho stalks a singing couple, or when an escaped loon takes refuge in a house belonging to a stereotypical family? When normal movies suddenly get "Slasher sequels!"

Here are some of the "slasher sequels" I made up for your or your family's favorite films. Now don't kill me for this, I just wanna have fun...

Cheaper By The Dozen

Suggested Title: Cheaper By The Dozen: Twelve Down Dead
Tagline: A family of sixteen. Five Psychos. What will be left?

What would happen: It's another summer together and the Bakers are gonna spend it at a beach house Tom is renting. While the Baker kids go through their lives of mischief, Nora and Bud McNulty adjust as young parents, and Tom and Kate reminisce of the good old days when they were young and carefree, a band of criminals is looking for a hideout and crosses with the Bakers. Now holding the family hostage, the thugs plan out their escape and it's only a matter of who will be left alive and how far can the Bakers go to defend each other?

Possible murders: Lots of gun shot kills, the goriest murders had to be on the criminals, which might include a head being beaten open with a hammer claw.

Home Alone

Suggested Titles: Home Alone: Death Trap
Tagline: Don't Worry. The pain will end soon...

What would happen: Revolves around the "real world", wherein a remake of the original Home Alone is being filmed and an adult Macaulay Carson Culkin is starring in it for a small role. But Macaulay soon finds himself framed for a double murder he did not commit, with the murder weapons being found in his house. Macaulay soon starts to find it harder and harder to claim his innocence when he begins to black out every now and then, and people involved in the movie starts ending up dead from traps set in their own homes, each based on the new movie's traps. Is Macualay the real killer? Or someone else who bears a grudge on him...

Possible murders: lots of Goldbergesque traps including a choreographed trap made up of pulleys, some piano wires, a projected harpoon and a high-pressure home-made nail gun.

Camp Rock

Suggested Title: Camp Rock: Psycho Camp Party
Tagline: Don't Stand out. Stay forever...

What would happen: Camp Star and Camp Rock join forces and opens a new school: "Camp Jam". Unknown to them, the ground they built the new camp on is an old Native American burial ground and the spirit of "Blood Ox", a native American warrior whose bloodlust matches his immense strength, awakens. With campers piling up in pieces and old rivalries starting to come back from the panicking campers, its up to Mitchie and the rest of the original "Camp Rockers" to find out the secret behind Blood Ox and how to stop him.

Possible Murders: considering the name "Blood Ox", there's bound to be lots of mangling, fierce strangulation/neck crushing and Victor Crowley style- dismembering.

Scooby-Doo (live action movies)

Suggested Title: Scoody Doo: Death comes.
Tagline: Real monsters. Real Danger. No Escape.

What would happen: Mystery Inc. gets a letter from a village in distress, claiming some ghost (or something) is terrorizing their town. Seeing it as a mystery for them to solve, the gang later finds out that the town is actually an isolated island and hunting reserve. With their guide suddenly murdered, the gang will learn there is no mystery and that there's not one single menace, but SIX of them! All camouflaged to match their surrounding and armed with deadly weapons. It's no longer a test of deduction and wit, but of survival...

Possible murders: some nasty shotgun kills, A pit fall with an automated machine gun firing above at the bottom and a spring trap made up of sharpened human bones.

High School Musical

Suggested Title: High School Musical: Bloody Closing
Tagline: Singing turned screaming

What would happen: A year since the original cast graduated, a new set of wannabe normies sing and dance around about how hard it is to fit in to a new school, but soon finds comfort from themselves as well as from others.

Apart from this shtick, however, there's also a she-psycho wearing a giant tennis ball mask deading people with musical instruments. When a new girl cross paths unexpectedly with the killer while she was unmasked, she becomes the killer's new target and obsession...

Possible murders: an English horn jabbed to a throat (sounds coming from it of course), a harmonica kicked into some guy's arse before knifing him, and a tennis racket lines with piano wires slicing someone's face repeatedly.