Boogie Bop Flop: 1962 Halloween Massacre (2023)

1962 Halloween Massacre (2023)

Rating: 1/2

Starring: Ariel Ash, Caroline Beagles, Will Branner

Yeah, this one is a real doozy of a slasher movie. And here I was thinking watching the side of my painted house dry was terrible, I have no idea there's something even more boring!

This hogwash of a film is actually based on an internet urban legend involving a vintage photo of a 1960s Halloween party. Among the people in the picture is a figure wearing a simple black mask and story has it that the fella would soon lock all the guests in and start attacking them, killing seven before disappearing into the night and leaving the FBI the black mask as the only piece of evidence from the massacre. 

1962 Halloween Massacre (2023) basically tries molding a story out of the urban legend, focusing on four friends who happen to be members of an elite circle of pharmaceutical families, driving to a remote cottage in the woods for a Halloween party. As they enjoy the spirit of the night and the debaucheries that comes with it (mainly sex, booze and a game of hide-and-seek apparently), an unexpected guest drops by to skulk around and say random doomsayer shit to himself, before soon enough trapping everybody in the cottage by tying the doors with heavy duty rope and going around stabbing people to death.

Now, see, this would have been exciting given that the film wasn't so focused on way too many conversations between its main casts or the random spouting of nonsensicals from the deranged maniac, so much so that 1962 Halloween Massacre (2023) is mostly jabber and little horror action from the maniac stabber. It's slowburn beyond slowburn, a direction littered with dull yakking about things that barely made the movie's dry run intriguing, something that doesn't help the fact that the low budget is more than evident from the cheap sets, use of CG blood and lackluster visual work that's obviously shot by some guy walking around with a camera. Most of the acting is okay(ish) at least, although I can't help but feel awkward watching some of these actors line read 1960s lingo with the enthusiasm of a highschool theater play. 

Damning of it all, though, is how this film concludes; without giving out a lot, too many survivors ran away scott-free with the killer leaving them be under the reason that they prefer a "captive audience" and "when you buy a ticket to the movies, you don't have to chase the picture to watch that". Uh, bullshit! Just tell us you're lazy, you self-glorifying asshat! This is then followed by more mad ramblings from the jerk before they phone in the killings to the police while pretending to be some sort of cross between a murder victim and an entitled bitch who cries "lawyer" when shit doesn't go their way. (No, really) The scene then simply cuts to the following morning, with FBI detectives weirdly scoping out the place and ending with heavy implications that the killer is among the investigators. Riveting, it ain't.

1962 Halloween Massacre (2023), as a concept, has the potential to be a good time capsule slasher flick set in the 60s, but its cheap and rushed production unsurprisingly results to one of the most nerve-wreckingly unexciting slasher to ever disgrace the face of horror. To be plain and simple, this one is just a drag. 

Bodycount:

1 male had his throat cut with a knife

1 female knifed to death

1 male knifed to death

1 male knifed to death

1 male knifed to death

1 female knifed to death

1 female knifed to death 

Total: 7

The Hooked Horror of Valentines Day: Lovers Lane (1999)

Lovers Lane (1999) (AKA "I'm Still Waiting For You")

Rating: **1/2

Starring: Diedre Kilgore, Carter Roy and Brian Allemand

When Wes Craven's Scream (1996) revitalized the slasher craze for a whole new generation of horror fans to enjoy back in the late 90s, it's not far off that the straight-to-video market would cash in to the success and have these considerably less-funded and roughly polished productions grace our video players and small screen tubes with sometimes-competent-sometimes-not video titles such as this rare teen holiday horror, Lovers Lane (1999).

Opening "thirteen years ago" with a take on a well-known urban legend, we watch a horny couple at the titular make-out doing all sorts of risqué canoodling before they're suddenly terrorized by a maniac armed with a hook. The kids soon escape from their tormentor to raise the alarm, but not before discovering to their horror that the two occupants of another nearby car have also fallen victim to the hook-handed menace. 

Flash forward to the present, we now learn that the slaughtered couple were involved in a secret affair behind their spouses' backs, with the woman being the sheriff's wife and the man being the husband of the high school's current principal. A suspect was apprehended that night of the hook murders and, over the years, has been under the watchful eye of the town's psychiatrist, who just happens to be the sheriff's half-brother. The sheriff's daughter, Mandy, was also present at the time they found her mother's mangled corpse and has grown up to be the quite geeky kid that everyone picks on, especially her own half-cousin Chloe, the school's Queen bee-type who's dating the principal's son, Michael. And with it being Valentines Day, Chloe's clique plans a little party at lover's lane and Mandy finds herself roped into the gig when one of the friends got desperate for a date.   

Unbeknownst to these gaggle of youths, the hook-handed killer broke out of an asylum earlier that day (apparently he hated prison food?) and has now made his way back to the make-out point to stalk and slaughter some more teens. After seeing one of their own get murdered in front of them, the gang ends up fleeing to an abandoned farmhouse where the killer proceeds to stalk them one by one, all the while the sheriff and the principal, despite awkwardly knowing that their former spouses were having a go at one another, decided to work together to find and stop the maniac after learning about his escape. 

On one end, Lovers Lane (1999) isn't exactly what you call quality cinema as there's a considerable stint on its budget in terms of lighting and special effects. More often you'll find yourself squinting at some dimly lit scenes to make sense of what you're looking at or who's getting hooked to death, plus a good dose of the kill count is made up of offscreen murders in which bodies are simply found slaughtered. A few characters also fail to be as interesting and important as they're intended to be, sometimes coming off as annoying or ridiculously inept to the point you'd wonder if these certain individuals would get the fatal end of the hook and be disappointed when some of them lived to see the morning after the carnage.

Still, I can attest that there's some fun to be found in this late 90s bodycounter as Lovers Lane (1999) simply embraces the clichés of a slasher plot wholeheartedly and treats us with a back-to-basics dead teenager film. Most of the teen casts are a fun watch with their cheesy high school dramatics and hammy dialogues, with one pre-Scary Movie (2000) Anna Farris appearing as one of Chloe's clique girls who spent the entire film wearing a cheerleader outfit and got snuffed out in the gnarliest way one could with a hook. The third act in the farmhouse has some nice thrilling scenes going for it when the killer starts prowling the place and relentlessly pursue their victims. I could also applaud this film for dishing out one of the better twist reveals I've seen in a slasher, especially when the build-up getting there is as convoluted as this one wherein things like incest and revenge gets thrown in.

Yes, Lovers Lane (1999) is far from a rough hidden gem, but it could worth one's time if you're into bad slashers with a big heart to entertain!

Bodycount:

1 male and 1 female found slaughtered with a hook

1 male found murdered

1 male seen murdered with a hook

1 male hacked to death with a hook

1 male found slaughtered with a hook

1 male hacked with a hook

1 female gets a hook to the groin

1 male knifed to death

1 female hit with a car

1 male and 1 female found murdered

1 female had her throat slashed with a hook

1 male repeatedly shot, hook to the back

Total: 14

Say His Name: Candyman (2021)

Candyman (2021)

Rating: ***

Starring: Yahya Abdul-Mateen II, Teyonah Parris and Nathan Stewart-Jarrett

Personally, Bernard Rose's Candyman (1992) will forever remain as one of the many slasher masterpieces I have the good will and grace to experience; I love its gothic, modern fairy tale-esque direction, how it utilized the power of belief and legends to create a memorable, psuedo-romantic horror figure, as well as how it subtly uses the subtext of black oppression to create a level of depth and atmosphere to its approach in horror. This being said, I really wanted director Nia DaCosta's "spiritual sequel" to work, at least, all the way.

Struggling to find a spark of inspiration for his latest work, Chicago artist Anthony McCoy decided to wander around Cabrini-Green after hearing about an urban legend surrounding a graduate student who went on a killing spree back in the 1990s and was eventually stopped right before she was about to throw an infant into a bonfire outside the house projects. It is there where he meets William Burke, a laundromat owner who introduces him to yet another legend; the Candyman.

According to Burke, his Candyman was an eccentric hook-handed man named Sherman Fields, believed to be responsible for putting razor blades in sweets after a girl found one in her Halloween stash. It wasn't long before overzealous police corner and beat Sherman to death but, much to everyone's horror, the man was later revealed innocent when more razorblades were found in sweets after his murder. From then on, it is said that by saying "Candyman" five times in in front of a mirror, a now undead Sherman will come to murder those who called for him through this little ritual.

Now inspired to do a collection based on the Candyman legend and racial tension, Anthony paints and have his works set up for an exhibit with the help of his art gallery director girlfriend, Brianna Cartwright. The resulting showcase, unfortunately, wasn't the buzzing success he was hoping it would be, but Anthony will soon find out that he may have unleashed something powerful when those who tried calling out for Candyman start to get horribly murdered and he himself appears to be deteriorating physically after a bee stung him. Soon, Anthony learns the horrific truth about his past and what fate awaits him back at Cabrini-Green...

Let me just go on the record and say that I love the idea that Candyman here is, as described in the film, a hive. It just fits the killer's nature as an urban legend embodied, how there will never be only one version of the tale and that there's always be a varying take based on whoever's telling them, all the while the strongest key elements remain the same. The Candyman is no longer just a lone murderer from beyond the grave in this movie, but is now also a catalyst that leads to people like Sherman Fields and many other African American figures hinted later, all victims of prejudice and racial hate, to wear the cloak and wield the hook.

This is a wide and welcome move to expand the world behind the iconic supernatural slasher and I really wished Candyman (2021) found a way to make this work into the story to full effect but thanks to the writing's lack of cohesiveness and focus, and too its missed opportunities to be subtle and flair, this lore ended up something closer to a footnote that wouldn't come up again until the near end where it may have gone a little too on-the-nose with what it is implying. 

Until then, we're practically treated with a supernatural psychological mystery that hovers mostly on our main lead's ties to the Candyman legend and his declining state the further he delves into the rabbit hole, coupled with slasher murders and body horror nightmares. I will say that this attempt of a mystery is as predictable and basic as the characters involved (If you already saw The Midnight Meat Train (2008) and The Devil's Candy (2015), then you may have a clue or two what troubles our artist lead is heading to), even leaving some doors open and just hang them there without any form of resolution or point, but at least it is comfortable enough to sit through as your typical slasher story and the talents involved, particularly Yahya Abdul-Mateen II, Teyonah Parris and Colman Domingo as Anthony, Brianna and William Burke respectively, did all their best to put out a fine performance despite the standard characterizations. 

Visually, Candyman (2021) is a real treat to the eyes at its best, probably the movie's strongest point with its stylized depictions of the Candyman murders, the history surrounding the figure and even the legend himself; when it needs to be bloody, it gets real bloody, but the film isn't shy on experimenting with what can be done without overly relying on anything graphic on screen. The result is a lot of striking compositions of shots and sounds, among the best being a massacre in a girl's bathroom wherein we can see just a glimpse of a floating Candyman through a bloodied compact mirror, as well as an eerily shot death of a critic who we see gets lifted and murdered above ground by an invisible force while the camera pans away.

Intriguing to note, too, how the Candyman is shown here as he barely appeared completely in the flesh whenever he kills and he's depicted instead as a shadow, a reflection in the background or, as mentioned prior, just an unseen force drags you away to be hooked from groin to gullet.  Whenever he does appear onscreen, he's more of a specter and an omen haunting Anthony, a sort of foreshadow of things to come doubled as your classic, creepy grinning spook straight out of your ghost stories. If there's anything more to praise, the last few shots of the Candyman are probably the most memorable for me; just a floating man in a coat, a hook for a hand and a swarm of bees for a head. That's Eldritch imagery at its best and I love it!

The use of shadow puppets is also a creative touch I come to really like from the film, perfectly bringing the folkloric feel out of the legends and stories about he who is the writing on the wall, the whisper in the classroom. Add the fact that the ending credits is also a short puppet show featuring all the previous variants of the Candyman just makes the overall film a little bit better despite the flaws.

A far cry from being the perfect companion piece to the original Candyman (well, for me at least), Candyman (2021) is still a commendable ole' "college try" to bring back and partially re-invent a horror icon for the modern audience. It has a good eye on style and atmosphere, plus an interesting take on a slasher heavyweight's mythos, just be prepared for some loose, unresolved and kinda undercooked ends.

Bodycount:
1 male beaten to death (flashback)
1 female had her throat cut with a hook
1 male had his heel hooked, later found disemboweled
1 male jumps out of a window (flashback)
1 female had her head smashed and dragged across a window
1 female slaughtered offcamera with a hook
1 female slaughtered offcamera with a hook
1 female slaughtered offcamera with a hook
1 female slaughtered offcamera with a hook
1 girl slaughtered with a hook (flashback)

1 girl slaughtered with a hook (flashback)
1 male stabbed to death with a box cutter
1 male shot dead
1 male seen walking out with a gashed neck
1 male slashed across the gut with a hook
1 male had his throat slashed with a hook
1 male slashed across with a hook
1 male hacked on the back with a hatchet(animation)
1 boy executed via electric chair (animation)
1 male tied behind a truck, dragged to death (animation)
1 male hacked on the back with a hook (animation)
1 male hacked on the head with a hook (animation)
1 male ran through the back with a hook (animation)

1 male snared and murdered with a hook (animation)
Total: 24

The Dark Minstrel Strikes!: Tuno Negro (2001)

Tuno Negro (Black Serenade) (Spain, 2001)
Rating: ***

Starring: Silke, Jorge Sanz, Fele Martínez

In this Spanish jab at an early 2000s teen slasher, music and murder goes hand in hand as a mythical slayer known as the Dark Minstrel is killing students at one Salamanca University, wherein campus boys occasionally dress up and perform as minstrels as a sort of tradition. Architecture freshman Alex (Silke) gets intertwined with the killings when she appears to have spoken with the Dark Minstrel themselves via dial-up age chatroom, hinting to her that someone will die in their gown later that night.

True enough, a newlywed bride had her brains beaten out with a mandolin before getting daggered to death and a few of Alex's coed acquaintances just happen to be performing that night as minstrels for the wedding, among other sultry businesses. As more students starts biting the big one and many of them being Alex's friends, she soon tries to figure out the motive behind these killings which may be linked to a 16th century legend about a group of poor minstrels who sang for money in order to pay for their schooling, only to be stricken troubled and murderous when wealthier scholars decided to be minstrels just for fun, basically taking away their livelihood.

All the while, a pair of inspectors are also looking into the recent murders, one of whom going by Victor (Fele Martínez) obsessing over uncovering the identity of the Dark Minstrel and has fallen in love with Alex, tangling himself into a love triangle with campus minstrel Eduardo (Jorge Sanz) who also has the hots for her. As the semester draws near its end, will the Dark Minstrel be stopped? Or will the cloaked-and-masked slayer succeed in ridding the campus of its undergrads?

For a decent bulk of the story, Tuno Negro can be a rather fun and engaging mystery that hams itself up with its attempts to sound serious and sophisticated talking about criminology and old century art and traditions. It boasts some fair stalk-and-chase scenes and murder set-pieces, a few including a claustrophobic murder inside a girl's bathroom's stall and a race against time with our leads trying to find a stalked friend using the killer's live footage feed, and I simply love the design of our killer minstrel and the concept of the legend their murders are centered on. 

On the cheesier side, there are some comic moments that had me smiling like a corpse dissection with gross results and one drug-dealing hippie guy (who looks like stretched-up Tom Savini, way too old to be a "college student") getting a handful of ass from the last lady he should be doing it to, and too his demise that somehow involves early CG blood serpents for reasons. In fact, Tuno Negro used a good bunch of these early day computerized transition cuts and visual effects, all of which I can say definitely didn't age well and can be a bit awkward to look at.

The fact that a lot of the characters surrounding Alex's clique are just annoying and most of the deaths felt relatively tame does hold me back from from enjoying this film any more, sadly, though none of them have the same mildly-frustrating sourness as this movie's finale; after all of that sleuthing, slashing and one softcore lovemaking, the payoff didn't feel satisfactory as the reveal to our Dark Minstrel's identity hardly made sense and why this killer managed to escape is just groan-worthy. Ignorance kills is a quote passed around more than once in the entire story, but they're definitely ignoring one to two plot points and loose ends in need of addressing and tying up before the film simply open-ends abruptly. I can't hate this final act completely as it still has a good dose of workable craziness, such as one of the inspectors going trigger happy on any dude in a minstrel suit because of a hunch he has of multiple Dark Minstrels working around the murders. (Even though you can clearly tell these minstrel boys are just running for their lives coz, I dunno, the fucking cathedral was set on fire?!) 

Tuno Negro (2001) is undoubtedly far off from being anywhere as smart or fun as the likes of Scream (1996) or Urban Legends (1998), but I'm not taking it against the movie and the people behind it for trying. It's understandably obscure, though if you see yourself as the easily forgiving type and you just happen to come across a copy of this film, feel free to ty it out.

Bodycount:

1 female stabbed to death with a pair of dressmaker shears

1 female stabbed to death with a dagger

2 males and 1 female found slaughtered

1 male had his throat cut with a dagger

1 male stabbed to death with a dagger

1 female set on fire

1 male found murdered with a throat cut

1 female hanged

1 male set on fire

1 male shot

2 males shot

1 male stabbed to death with a dagger

1 male seen caught on fire

3 males shot

Total: 19

Headless Hackers: Sleepy Hollow high (2000), The Hollow (2004) and Headless Horseman (2007) Triple Bill Review

It may no longer be Halloween as of writing this, but it is still Fall season and nothing spells Autumn ghost stories than The Legend of Sleepy Hollow, a 1820s Gothic tale by author Washington Irving which tells the story of one headmaster, Ichabod Crane, and his encounter with a headless Hessian one ill-fated night in the titular town of Sleepy Hollow. Adaptations of this story are plenty, ranging from animated Disney shorts to Jeff Goldblum-starring TV flicks spots, and you can bet your cheeks we have slasher varieties from time to time, one of the more known ones being directed by Tim Burton with a supernatural slasher-fantasy feel, 1999's Sleepy Hollow. 

But if you're looking for trashier, sillier and cheesier rounds of headless horsemen hacking the hapless helpless, then head no further! Here are three slashers titles taking their own twist on the Sleepy Hollow story and, my god, aren't they something~

~~~

Sleepy Hollow High (2000)

Rating: **

Starring: Meagan Lopez, Ruben Brown, Antonio Benedict

After getting caught pranking a snitch one night, five delinquents from Sleepy Hollow Highschool (who curiously look like people in their 20s) are punished to do community service by cleaning up a nearby park ground or else they'll get expelled. A counselor aptly named "Mr. E" (*muffled screams*) accompanies the gang to the clean-up so he can keep an eye on them but, in the midst of yardwork, money-funded teen drama writing and supposedly captivating red herring-filled thrills, the group will soon find out someone is taking their local legend way too seriously as a pumpkin masked killer shows up to collect some heads.

But who could it be? The snitch who is subtlety (as in, totally on our faces) seen giving them the stink eye while packing away a headless horseman costume at the trunk of his car? "Mr. E" (*even louder muffled screaming*) succumbing to his collar-grabbing short-fused temper? Or perhaps it's the headless horseman himself? Twirling his sword around and looking like a dork in a medieval fair, itching to punish some terrible people?

Strongly resembling a student film project that somehow got home video distribution rights, Sleepy Hollow High (2000) tries its hardest to be comprehensibly entertaining and, through small hoops and loops of unintentional hilarity, this micro-budget Breakfast Club (1985)-meets-supernatural slasher hybrid succeeds. By a molecular thread. 

As a slasher, it inevitably fails to impress; the janky mess that is this movie's editing made all of the pumpkin killer's slayings and brief chases barely watchable. Its use of shaky cam, near-absence of lighting and early 2000s CG bits somehow cheapening every sword swing and flying Halloween décor body parts even more than it should be possible. The worse to come, however, is this movie's own conclusion in which it pulls a Slaughter High (1986) twist on us that doubles down with a rather pointless implication before the credits roll, which ultimately adds very little to the already generic backwoods slasher plot. These peeves trip and bog the movie down drastically and I would have trashed it as dumpster fire if it wasn't for some of the laughs I got out of it.

Granted the movie also suffers from characters being detestably annoying and unengaging in their bad boy/girl melodrama, and the movie's poorly composed production rivaling your annoying uncle's home grown vacation videos, Sleepy Hollow High (2000) still has the ludicrous saving grace of being as interesting as a lumbering flaming wheel rolling down heavy traffic; tragedy bound's to happen but you just can't look away, much like how this film's misplaced attempts of seriousness clash so horribly with its inept quality that it's comical. It's so bad it's forgivingly good in a way (?), but I cannot deny that's a statement true to only a few people and plenty would likely just skip this one over. And I wouldn't blame them. 

As much as I like some slasher titles with dangerously high levels of cheese such as ThanksKilling (2008), Nail Gun Massacre (1985) and Truth or Date: A Critical Madness (1986), I still have to draw the line somewhere and Sleepy Hollow High (2000) almost got past that line if only it didn't fell apart stupidly in the end. Better luck next time, movie!

Bodycount:

1 female killed with a sword

1 female decapitated with a sword

1 female decapitated with a sword

1 male had his hand lopped off with a sword, hacked

1 male pulled through a sword, impaled

1 male sliced down in half with a sword

Total: 6

~~~

The Hollow (2004)

Rating: ***

Starring: Kevin Zegers, Kaley Cuoco, Nick Carter

This movie is just, for a lack of better term, cute!

In this made-for-TV cheapie chiller with a surprisingly large count of familiar faces, it's nearing All Hallows Eve in Sleepy Hollow and new-in-town high schooler Ian Cranston was just enjoying the festivities when he sees himself followed and pestered by the local graveyard's groundskeeper Claus Van Ripper, who calls Ian "teacher" (more often than one could stand, if you ask me) and believes he and his family are the latest descendants of one Ichabod Crane, thus the only ones who can stop the Headless Horseman upon his return.

Ian, of course, dismisses the ramblings, and the same goes for the rest of the town as everybody disregards the groundskeeper's fear of the Horseman's wrath and his consistent demands to call off the festivities. But as you would've guessed, the dark rider of the legends does arrive from the other side to hunt down horny teenagers and a few unfortunate bystanders around Sleepy Hollow, leading Ian to brave the night, heed Van Ripper's guidance and accept the role as the town's only hope for surviving that night. 

Despite the lack of gratuitous and exploitative elements likely to be found from its gorier slasher kin, I'm honestly surprised at how fun The Hollow (2004) got with its back-to-basics approach on awkward teen subplots and supernatural spookiness, both hardly that complex but appreciatively enjoyable nonetheless. Yes, it still has its cliched runs like Ian having a coach dad who's disappointed at his son for not embracing football, or how there's a love triangle between our hero, a pre-Big bang Theory Kaley Cuoco-lead cheerleader and her soon-to-be Ex played by a bullying Nick Carter of the Backstreet Boys fame, but the main story of the Headless Horseman's hellish return and Ian's discovery of being the great great grandson of Ichabod Crane has the strong points of being a strange mix of seasonal coziness and late night popcorn movie silliness that knows it exists just to simply entertain.

Its lack of a high kill count, splashy murders and a more inventive look for the headless Hessian (Like, for real. Another literal pumpkin head?) may stray away slasher fans looking for a full-on hack-a-thon with chunky gore, as the Hessian doesn't really appear on screen until the last third of the movie and even by then, there’s not that much bloodshed committed and whatever grue we got is relatively tame. Overall, though, this doesn't detract how much I enjoyed this forgettable yet competently modest Halloween slasher and I think it deserves a few more genuine views from curious horror fans out there looking for a light fright flick.

Flawed but fun, The Hollow (2004) is far from a terrible pick; a mindless time-waster guaranteed to keep the Autumn spirits up and do a fair job bringing in the small thrills.

Bodycount:

1 male killed, body seen dragged away

1 female attacked with a flaming Jack-o-Lantern, killed

1 male beheaded with a sword

1 male beheaded with a sword

1 female beheaded with a sword

Total: 5

~~~

Headless Horseman (2007)

Rating: ***

Starring: Billy Aaron Brown, Rebecca Mozo, Richard Moll

Everything you know about the story of Sleepy Hollow? Throw it out of the window because, according to this movie, it's all whitewashed! 

Seven teenagers driving to a party in Kansas make the unfortunate mistake of taking a shortcut down into the woods, which trail just so happens to be rigged with bear traps. As their car hobbles down with a snared tire, a young tow truck driver named Candy just happens to be around and agrees to take them to the small and nearly isolated town of Wormwood Ridge to have their ride repaired.

In there, the teens learn through Candy that the town's preparing for the Headless Horseman Celebration, which is held every Halloween since 1806, the year a serial killing Satanist horseman named Calvin Montgomery preyed on the town's children for his rituals until the residents caught and hanged him, body left to rot and his head torn away. But unbeknownst to our gang, Montgomery, now a headless specter called, well, Headless, cursed the town with misfortune and will continue to haunt and prey upon it unless the townsfolk help him collect seven heads for a pact he made with his dark master. 

Now trapped in a hexed town desperate to end the horseman's nightmare, the teens will find out the measures these townies will go to keep them from escaping, as well as the decapitating, supernatural threat that is Headless.

Basically Two Thousand Maniacs! (1964) and Wrong Turn (2003) with one headless killer with fleshy tentacles growing out of his neck stump, I find Headless Horseman (2007) completely bonkers in the right way; the characters are your typical B-grade horror fodder devoid of depth and acted clunkily (a few more annoying than the others), and the plot makes very little sense and even feels a tad too convenient at times, but the sheer amount of cheese, insanity and blood warped around its run and the admittedly creative take on a lore inspired by the Sleepy Hollow tale make this film a shred more tolerable to sit through than it should be.

It's nothing we wouldn't expect from a predictable and sleazy made-for-television SyFy shlock (back when it was decently called "SciFi"), bad early day CG, banal writing and all, but the movie doesn't shy away from embracing the outrageousness of its story. That said, expect a lot of genuinely fun and cheeky moments thrown in, like how Headless is one part eldritch abomination slowly growing its head back the more he decapitates his intended victims, or how he badassed his way out an exploding garage by riding a motorcycle!

WHY IS THIS NOT A THING MORE OFTEN?!

The horror elements just work in the simplest sense; though the deaths mostly lead to decapitations, the kills have variety and the gore is surprisingly done with well enough practical effects. Headless also himself proves to be an efficient villain to dish out these murders and put up a good fight, and, again, the brazen Satanist-cum-Lovecraftian angle they went with his origin does warrant good points for how off-the-wall it is. The pacing does plod off whenever the film feels the need to dump some expositions, but it fortunately rewards our patience with a good climax trailing straight down to a nifty three-against-one final brawl.

As dumb this movie can get, Headless Horseman (2007) still has enough fun content to make up for its drag and slop. It's not gonna be everyone's humble horror pie, no doubt about that, but as a harmless slasher effort? I say track this down and give it a try! Could be worth some laughs!

Bodycount:

1 male found headless

1 male decapitated with a thrown blade

1 male decapitated with a car's trunk

1 girl decapitated with a sword (flashback)

1 male attacked with a sword, hanged and pulled until decapitated (implied in book)

1 male shot a car's gas tank, immolated

1 female bashed with a flail, decapitated on a bear trap

1 male beheaded with an axe

1 male shot with a shotgun

1 male decapitated with a sickle

1 male shot

1 female decapitated

1 female shot

1 male shot

1 male shot to death

1 male ran over with a truck

120 individuals disintegrated into dust

Total: 136

Bumper Body: Hit and Run (2009)

Hit and Run (2009)

Rating: ***

Starring: Laura Breckenridge, Kevin Corrigan, Christopher Shand 

On October 26, 2001, former nurse aide Chante Jawan Mallard struck a homeless man named Gregory Glenn Biggs with her car while driving under the influence, lodging him into the windshield and leaving him there to die a day or two later. Mallard was eventually convicted for the crime and sentenced to 50 years imprisonment for the wrongful death. 

This story would later inspire late director Stuart Gordon to produce and direct Stuck, a 2007 horror thriller that mostly follows the events of the crime albeit with a few minor changes, a darkly comic tone and a happier ending. Stuck (2007) would become a mini cult hit of sorts, even spawning a Bollywood clone in 2009 with Accident on Hill Road, but not a lot of people would know about the other movie that roughly took inspiration from this crime, 2009 's Hit and Run.

Mary Murdock (Laura Breckenridge) was just leaving a New Jersey night club when she hits a bad bump on a dark isolated road while driving home drunk. She wouldn't notice what's wrong about this incident until some time after settling back in her house; it turn out that, in her absolute horror, the bump was actually a man and he's now stuck mangled and impaled on her jeep's bumper. Panicking, Mary overlooks calling 911 and tries fixing the situation on her own, but when the man suddenly attacks her, she seemingly ends up killing him for good with a golf club.

Now burdened with a body, Mary drives out again that night. This time to a nearby forest clearing to bury the man in a shallow grave, wishing nothing more than to forget this nightmare. Unbeknownst to her, the nightmare isn't over. In fact, it just began...

Comparing this to Gordon's Stuck which used the Biggs case as the basis of its story, Hit and Run (2009) is, instead, influenced by it, crafting a more original plot with standardized horror tones, down to the annoying cliche of characters with bad decision making. On that term, it's mostly a situational breakdown of our lead's descent into paranoia as the guilt of her crime starts eating her up, something which actress Laura Breckenridge did fairly with her Brooke character given she doesn't get too overexposed; she's good horror flick eye candy and, frankly, has her moments that aren't outright terrible, but the more the movie dwells into her character's fall into madness and irrationality, the more she hits those off-key acting notes and it can get distracting.

Breckenridge pretty much carries a big bulk of the film this way, getting terrified and discomforted by anything from cryptic pet parrots to TV news segments, until that is the third act happens and gets greatly dominated by TV star Kevin Corrigan as Timothy Emser, the vengeful victim of Mary's vehicular incident. It's around this part that the film sheds away the psychological mind games and heads forth as a road raging slasher albeit bodycount minuscule and gore is near absent. What it does to make up for the splatter shortcomings would be the outrageous set-piece of Emser taking revenge on Brooke, strapping her to the jeep's hood with Christmas lights and taking her out on the road the same way she unknowingly did to him. 

Characterization for our villain is quite shallow, however; playing the Hollywood mental illness card to give him the excuse to go murder-psycho on anyone that crosses his path, including a random gas station attendant and his own wife, the latter he suspected to be plotting against him. The only memorable thing about him would be the crazy amount of make-up used to get that mangled zombie-esque look. It's a cheap trick, but it works for what it's worth. 

Looking at it, imagining why this movie didn't catch on isn't hard. The meandering atmosphere for the psychological first act is largely so-so, nearing tiresome for those who doesn't have the stomach and patience for it. Nothing that memorable save for some good acting and an attractive cast, but once Emser appears in his full zombie non-zombie maniacal glory, Hit and Run (2009) packs a mean punch almost immediately, all the way to the chaotic last quarrel and ambiguous final shot. It's an okay watch, especially if you've got nothing else to rent and you're in the mood for something light yet still red. I say give it a go and watch out for homicidal speed bumps!

Bodycount:

1 male murdered, body found buried in a shallow grave

1 male force fed petrol, poisoned

1 female stabbed to death with garden shears

1 male ran over with a jeep (?)

Total: 4 (?)

...Why? How?

An Old School Detention Massacre: Into The Dark: School Spirit (2019)

School Spirit (Into The Dark Episode 11/Season 1 (2019))
Rating: ***
Starring: Annie Q., Corey Fogelmanis, Jessi Case

A joint effort between horror movie company Blumhouse's television branch and video-on-demand subscription service Hulu, Into The Dark is a monthly horror anthology web series where each episode is a feature length film inspired by a holiday from the month it is released. For August, they tackle on the first day of school and they're doing it with a back-to-basics slasher approach. And a bit of Breakfast Club (1985).

Taking place in Helbrook High, star student Erica Yang (Annie Q) finds herself attending weekend detention for reasons she's secretive about, much to the slight amusement of some of the school's delinquents who she'll be attending with. Chores are soon given under their vice principal's orders (who's clearly less than happy to be wasting a weekend babysitting hooligans) though it isn't that long before the more hardened members of the group decide to just goof around, welcoming Erica and another non-detention type in their circle with booze and buzz as their vice principal just sulks away in his office, numbing the pain of a recent divorce with a bottle of whiskey.

It's around here that we get to know about the school's own urban legend "The School Spirit", who is said to be a former elderly teacher who got killed by a prank gone wrong, her body dressed up as the school's Admiral mascot in a sad attempt to hide the crime before it's eventually found out. Now they say she roams the halls as a ghoulish revenant, stalking and murdering those she sees as "bad kids", so should we all be surprised when our gang of goofs starts getting sliced and diced under the School Spirit's sword?

While Into The Dark have good runs with entries like the psychologically creepy Pooka! (2018) and the thought-provoking Culture Shock (2019), it isn't without its lackluster episodes like most horror anthology series and School Spirit (2019) is concretely one of its more standard titles. It's a by-the-numbers slasher flick through and through, paper thin in plot and often predictable in its direction, something that usually doesn't spell a bad movie for this sub-genre but Spirit undoubtedly felt basic.

Affairs are at least kept passable and engaging due to a solid cast so the character interactions are watchable for their worth, a saving grace seeing half of the movie's total run appears to center on building its small casts and even succeeds on making me root a few of them to survive. Cinematography mainly consisting of static shots and empty framing is also used to a decent effect on some of the film's scare scenes wherein our killer prowls empty biology labs and hallways, though the rest of School Spirit (2019)'s slasher horror elements were decided to be played safe, shying the camera away from anything extreme and leaving us with two to three "daring" murders (one of which involves a guillotine trimmer) shown mostly onscreen out of the double figure kill count.

The mystery behind the identity of the killer is also disappointingly easy (A trick to make us consider that the killer might be supernatural? Don't bring it up every ten minutes in your story! Makes it an obvious red herring), plus it doesn't help that the character behind the slayings gets defeated in the most embarrassingly naive way. Thankfully, overlooking the monologuing creep that is our unmasked killer, the film’s final act earns back a degree of workable fun for approaching it as a hammy mash-up of Happy Birthday to Me (1981) and Psycho (1960), ending with a satisfying second reveal behind Erica’s detention and giving us a dark turn for our final girl.

School Spirit (2019) by some parts is inert, though not completely unwatchable. It's familiar stance and stride through slasher tropes lets you know you could be watching a better campus set dead teenager flick, but if you're in the mood for a simple, harmless and easy-to-swallow teen horror flick to pass the time then you could probably work something out with this one.

Bodycount:
1 male found stabbed in the eye with a screwdriver
1 male slashed with a sword
1 elderly female seen dead from a heart attack (flashback)
1 male had his head chopped off with a guillotine paper trimmer
1 male had his feet sliced off with a sword, killed
1 male killed offscreen with an axe
1 female hacked on the head with an axe
1 male and 1 female seen killed
1 male skeleton seen
1 male seen stabbed to death
1 male ran through with a sword
Total: 12

Off The Bad Hook: "I Still" and "Always Know What You Did Last Summer" Double Bill Review

The late 90s will always be known for slasher fans as the time eye-candy teen TV stars invaded the revived bodycounting fad thanks to the surprise success of Wes Craven's Scream (1996), thus welcoming the plethora of modest budget dead teenager films with their Scoody-Doo inspired motives and often dry murders. The title-mouthful I Know What You Did Last Summer (1997) was and still is one of the more competent cash-in to the success thanks to its focus on a workable mystery and fair character building than self-referential cheese and humor, so it isn't much of a surprise that talks of getting it a sequel got brought up. 

Problem? Two of them sequels got made. And they're both cooked in badly burnt cheese.

I Still Know What You Did Last Summer (1998)

Rating: **1/2

Starring: Jennifer Love Hewitt, Freddie Prinze Jr., Brandy Norwood

Taking place a year after the original Summer, Hewitt's character Julie James is back in college and struggling with the fact that her friends got killed by vengeful psychopathic fisherman named Ben Willis. Constantly in a state of survivor's guilt and haunted by nightmares of Mr. Willis returning to end what he started, her trauma is starting to affect her studies, as well as her love life seeing Julie's unable to choose between continuing her long distance romance with her old boy Ray (still working boats in their home town) or just getting it with fellow college student Will, who's everything dorky.

Fortunately, Julie's luck will turn for the somewhat good as she and her friendly roomie Carla win four tickets to the Bahamas through a radio show. Not too long after this, however, someone with a hook for a hand and wearing a rain slicker starts making their way to Julie's vacation and, as you would have it, staffs start dropping dead like flies. It isn't long before the vacationers are all that's left, trapped in an island in the middle of an overnight storm season with a killer.

The cliches and cheese are the obvious culprits to this sequel's mediocre story as the first film's focus on crafting likable character and a serious tone to go along its mystery are replaced by dumb choices, naïve characters and way too many plot conveniences and holes. Some of these hamminess work in the sense that they're laughably stupid, but a lot of them just felt tired, forced and rushed. There were some fun cameos (Jeffrey Combs, Jack Black and Bill Cobbs) to note on and the kills, gladly, are bloody enough to somewhat warrant small good points to approach this sequel but other than that, I Still Know What You Did Last Summer (1998) just felt stuck, really nothing more than a retread of the first film only drowned in unintentional (?) humor and banality.

I'm clearly not a fan but should you see it for the cheese alone, you might do better than I did accepting this movie's direction and existence.

Bodycount:

1 male gets a hook through his mouth

1 male got his face slashed across with a hook

1 female slashed, hooked in the back

1 male stabbed in the chest with a garden shear

1 male found hacked in the head with a machete

1 male hooked through the neck

1 male found impaled with a collapsible harpoon

1 female gets pinned through the floor with a collapsible harpoon

1 male gets a hook to the chest

1 male shot to death

Total: 10

I'll Always Know What You Did Last Summer (2006)

Rating:**

Starring: Brooke Nevin, David Paetkau, Torrey DeVitto

And here we have the odd duck in the Summer franchise; released direct to video in 2006, Always reduced the events of the first two film as well as our killer fisherman Ben Willis down to an urban legend, where it is now said that a ghostly killer fisherman will hunt teenagers on July 4th should they be keeping some dark naughty secrets. A small group of teenagers thought this would make a great prank and have one of them dress up as The Fisherman and chase the rest in a faux attack, only for all of it to end very badly when it results to an accidental death.

Just like the first film, the guilty gang make a pact to never speak of their involvement with the "attack", basically retreading the first movie as Always tries to recapture the magic of watching likeable characters battle their conscience and face the consequences of their secret. But seeing this is a cheaper production, none of the attempts are that effective and they're arguably more predictable at this time around. The titular death threat gets thrown down (modernized via text message) with the receiver trying her hardest to convince her innocuous batch of friends that trouble is brewing, only for them to give in once they get a near-death encounter with Mr. Hooky. Red herrings are brought up and introduced or re-introduced, climactic chase scene happen to boost the killcount, and then the twist. Oh, my gods, the twist.

This movie's reveal is the only reason why I hadn't kicked this film into the endless abyss; it's completely bonkers and so out of tune to what the entire franchise have built upon prior to Always that it's both unforgivably stupid and admirably brave on the producer's behalf if they thought this will fly off well without pissing the fans of the series. (Or the original movie) I guess somebody in the writing staff thought if it worked with Jason Voorhees and the Friday The 13th franchise, it would work here too? Well, at most, it doesn't. It's lazy and cheap, but it got a chuckle out of me so you got at least that.

If I am gonna be honest, overlooking the cheap characters, the annoying flashy edits whenever "The Fisherman" appears and this film's infamously dumb twist ending, I'll Always Know What They Did Last Summer (2006) would have been (or, for some, can still be) a passable rent for its bloody kills and fair pace to its mystery. If only it has a more knowledgeable direction for... whatever it was aiming to do here...

Seriously, supernatural ghoul Ben Willis? What the fuck...

Bodycount:

1 male falls unto a tractor, impaled on its exhaust pipe

1 male had his throat slashed with a hook

1 female gutted with a hook, dropped off a floor

1 male gets a hook to his chest, dragged away and killed

1 male hooked to the mouth

1 male gets hooked on the groin, pushed and impaled through a forklift's fork

1 female killed offscreen

Total: 7

Short Shear Terror: Nightmare At Bunnyman Bridge (2009)

Nightmare At Bunnyman Bridge (2009 Short)
Rating: ***
Starring: Jim Jackman, Kyle Billeter, DaNae West

So for those who have been living under a rock, the Bunny Man is an urban legend originated from two Fairfax County incidents at 1970 Virginia involving a man wearing a rabbit costume attacking people with an axe (Or a hatchet), most of which taking place around the "Bunny Man Bridge", a Southern Railway overpass spanning Colchester Road where many would come to believe is the stalking ground of our furry-suited evil-doer.

With a lore like this, you would think a few twisted minds out there would try to capitalize on the backwoods slasher film potential of this legend but, so far, the only recognizable "Bunnyman" movies existing out there belongs to a franchise following a chainsaw-wielding maniac in a bunny fursuit who has nothing to do with the legend. (Most of them aren't even that good!) So it brings me joy to see this rare short flick from 2009 that does understand the slasher flick worth of the legend and actually does a decent job with it in a 19 minute running time.

Taking place in 1974, five hippies were walking down a long road in Virginia's backwoods en route to a music festival when they came upon a passed-out drunk who, after proving to them that he ain't dead, warns them of the Bunnyman bridge and the thing that lurks in them woods. The teens ignore the warning and passes through said bridge, unknown to them that someone's watching and has set on tainting their hatchet with young hippie blood as night falls.

There really isn't much to say in terms of story here as Nightmare At Bunnyman Bridge stands on the bare-bone basics of backwoods slasher plotting albeit on a shoestring budget, shot and edited like a lost grindhouse movie and done with an amount of cheese. Character development is absent, but the film does make up for it with hammed up takes on slasher conventions like doomsayers and campfire tales, as well as letting all the gore loose at the last act where a more cryptic-looking Bunnyman goes hatchet-happy on everyone with delightfully despicably gruesome movie effects. The only qualm I got with this movie is that the twist ending kinda felt out of nowhere, but with the positives outweighing that one negative, it's all good.

Nightmare At Bunnyman Bridge (2009) is a real quick treat for backwoods slasher fans and to those looking for another rabbit-suited slasher that is not about Easter or from that Bunnyman slasher franchise. Nothing grand but watchable all the way to the end!

Bodycount:
1 male hacked on the head with a hatchet
1 male repeatedly hacked on the head with a hatchet
1 female repeatedly hacked on the face with a hatchet
1 male hacked to death with a hatchet
1 female gets a thrown hatchet to the head
1 male ran down by a train
Total: 6

Cranky like a Krampus: 12 Deaths of Christmas (2017)

12 Deaths of Christmas (United Kingdom, 2017) (AKA "Mother Krampus")
Rating: *1/2
Starring:  Claire-Maria Fox, Faye Goodwin, Tony Manders

A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984) meets Darkness Falls (2003) set during the Christmas holiday. Do I really need to say more about this underwhelming lump of coal?

Well, if I do leave it at that, one might think this is a good movie, which it isn't. Not by a long shot. So if I need to (*sobs*), it starts with a exposition narration telling us about some gruesome child murders in 1921 at an English town called Belgrave, which happens again 71 years later. Superstitious folks blame these deaths on a witch named Frau Perchta, while the more capital punishment-ready townfolk pins the crime on a local pagan named Molly Fletcher who, after getting captured and whilst being hanged, cursed those responsible for her death a grislier end through the hands of Perchta.

Twenty-Five years later, we follow a young girl named Amy, whose parents are going through a nasty break-up after dad cheated on mum with a younger woman. Amy's mother struggles to keep things chipper, especially seeing it's near Christmas, but her efforts aren't fairing any better with her own father's drinking problems and the sudden (and unwelcome) appearance of one of grampa's old acquaintances.

As you would have it, grampa's friend is there to tell him that a new string of child disappearances starts to plague Belgrave and it seems that the victims are the kids of those who were hexed by Molly back at 1992. Making matters worse is that our culprit isn't satisfied with just snagging kids away in potato sacks (I'm not joking) but is also mutilating any adults that get in her way. This transitions from a couple of nasty onscreen slaughterings and offscreen kidnappings to Amy's very uneasy family Christmas vacation at Grampa's backwoods cabin when papa arrives with his new girlfriend. Perchta eventually shows up at the cabin that afternoon, thankfully cutting short one awkward so-and-so family drama, and all means of bloody dismemberment and twist reveals broke loose upon our hapless family. And a mistress.

Repackaged within the US as "Mother Krampus" to cash-in to the success of Krampus (2015), 12 Deaths of Christmas has a wee bit of a potential to be a good slasher movie seeing it is drawing inspiration from the Frau Perchta folklore, which says that the European witch (or pagan goddess, depending to whoever you address this to) would slit the bellies of misbehaved children open to remove their guts before stuffing the hole with straw and pebbles. (All the while leaving small silver coins in a shoe or pail owned by good lil' kinders. Fair contrast?) On a level, it does succeed on grabbing my attention with some decent kill scenes done in passable practical effects, but the story itself just felt cluttered to no end with its unbalanced cheese and shoddy writing, which is saying a lot considering I usually have no quarrels with that. I guess the movie's attempts to do in serious family drama to what's practically a low-budget I Know What You Did Last Summer (1997) clone clashes horribly with its lack of better actors, proper pacing and a more solid direction, 12 Deaths of Christmas felt nothing special in the end and probably pushed itself back into low brow and awkward obscurity.

Add the matter that the last half of the movie hardly built any tension considering how much it stalled our characters (and us) to their own deaths by having them repeatedly survive whatever our villainess throws at them before finally biting the big one, 12 Deaths of Christmas (2017) just didn't cut it for me in the end. Microbudget movies are, again, no problem for me so long as they try to do something a tad more memorable than copy and paste plot points from better movies. (Apart from the aforementioned Elm Street and Last Summer, they also threw in some Candyman (1992) in there for some reason...) You could say I could love it for the gore, but I can't bring myself to be that shallow so, no. This is 12 Deaths I have no problem ignoring each festive season to pass after.

(Or was that 13 deaths? Lemme look at my bodycount real quick...)

Bodycount:
1 girl mentioned died from injuries sustained from an attack
5 children mentioned dead from throat cuts
1 female disemboweled and had Christmas lights sewn into her gut
1 female stabbed in the back with a machete, hanged (flashback)
1 female stabbed on the back with a machete and a cookie cutter, disemboweled
1 female stabbed on the throat with a machete, slaughtered with an electric knife
1 female axed on the throat
1 male had his hear clawed out
1 female had her throat slashed through with an axe
Total: 13