Murky Visions: Scalper (2023)

Scalper (2023)

Rating: *

Starring: Susan Priver, Jake Busey, Bai Ling

Y'know, it's hard to get excited for a slasher when the first kill involves a dirty fat fella getting sodomized with a dagger until the weapon is caked in blood and shit. Yeah.

Clementine Carver (Susan Priver) is a psychic, as well as a surviving victim of a serial killer dubbed The Scalper, named so after their habit of scalping women. It's been some time since the maniac was killed off and with her niche of having powers that helped track down The Scalper, Clementine sees herself getting interviewed for a radio show one day, with her friend, Jade Mei, excitedly calling the station for give the psychic some support over the air. Horrifyingly, Jade finds herself attacked by a man masked in black, her screams for help broadcasted over the airwaves. Clementine, in turn, goes into a seizure-like trance wherein she sees what happened to Jade, which is nothing short of a full-on slaughter that ends with her face and scalp being sliced off.

When Clementine comes through, she's greeted by Detective Hayden (Jake Busey) and his partner Detective Lupino (Kate Patel), who are already on the case of the recent murder and hoping to have her otherworldly abilities help them investigate what appears to be a copycat Scalper killing. Unbeknownst to them, this new wave of scalp murders has a more personal touch to it, all of which seems to lead down to Clementine herself...

Now, see, this is fine and all but, not going to sugarcoat anything, the production of this movie blows; aside from the downright horrendous writing and the very questionable set of C to Z-grade talents involved in bringing this murder mystery to life, Scalper (2023) tries to be this slick and creepy supernatural slasher by involving the previous victims of the titular killer in helping solve their own murders and, too, the new killings, via our heroine's psychic connection. Just for it all to fall embarrassingly flat when the shoddy editing, lowbrow CG effects and dollar store practical make-up distractingly and hilariously highlights how cheap this movie really is.

You could argue that this may be the intention, to bring a bit of humor to the plot, but the direction of the film is clearly aiming for something serious with how much it builds around the police procedural, and the trauma Clementine is going through being nearly another victim of the Scalper. Not to mention her worries of losing her father after he himself became a target of the serial slayer, presented here with her transversing the afterlife to convince his soul to return. Only, for some reason, the afterlife is a highly tinted barren of ruins, but not really since you can see moving traffic just way over the horizon. Yeah. Hard to take these heart-wrenching emotional moments seriously with all of that clunky production showing up.

You may be wondering, then, if I find this movie as absolute horse crap, why did I still give it a single star? Well, I'm awarding that to this movie's single highlight, which is the killer's design. Under the right lighting and angle, the fella is genuinely creepy with their flesh face mask and messy wring of a scalped hair, and I applaud Scalper (2023) for that.

That said, take this shitty movie out of my face and kick if off a trash heap.

Bodycount:

1 male sodomized with a dagger, scalped

1 male sodomized with a dagger, scalped

1 female slaughtered with a dagger, face flayed and scalped

1 female killed with a dagger, face flayed

1 female killed with a dagger, face flayed

1 male stabbed to death with a dagger

1 female sodomized with a dagger, face flayed

1 male stabbed through the neck with a dagger

1 male gets a dagger through the head

1 male found murdered

1 male stabbed with a dagger

1 male stabbed to death with a dagger

1 female decapitated with a dagger

1 male shot on the head

Total: 14

Double The Booking. Double The Hooking: Bone Lake (2024)

Bone Lake (2024)

Rating: ***

Starring: Alex Roe, Maddie Hasson, Marco Pigossi

When the first scene you see in a movie is a naked couple being chased through the woods by a shadowy figure brandishing a crossbow, hitting one victim through the balls in an unapologetic gratuitous shot, I think it'll be more than understandable to expect nothing but trashy horror in Bone Lake (2024). And, yes, the movie does lean on the sleazy side, but it's also playing a different kind of game. One that's going to test our character's will to commit, to trust, and to survive one night in the damn woods in one piece.

Former teacher and aspiring writer Diego (Marco Pigossi) is hoping to spend a (clothing optional) weekend in a rented lake house with his girlfriend, Sage (Maddie Hasson). Not long after just settling in (and doing each other on a bearskin rug), another more spirited couple, Will (Alex Roe) and Cin (Andra Nechita) show up ready to have their own happy weekend at the same cabin, but are a tad confused to find the house already occupied. It seems a booking screw-up have both couples scheduled to enjoy the forest-bound vacation home and with neither pair wanting to leave, they mutually agreed to spend the weekend together as new friends.

And as friends, the two couples share experiences, little secrets and tips for a spicy relationship, as well as engage in other fun times like sharing scary stories behind the lake's name, 'Bone Lake', which has less to do with the fact that it's a popular sex spot for lovers, and more on the fact that it's a dumping site for victims killed by a serial killer back at the 1950s. There are also the three suspicious rooms the house owner keep locked tickling the couples' curiosity, which they drunkenly proceed to open two, revealing a sex dungeon and a macabre room dedicated to the lake's dark history. What of the third room, though? Well...

As morning comes, trouble starts brewing; Will steals a wedding ring Diego was planning on proposing to Sage with and uses it to propose to Cin. It turns out the girl cheated on Will some time before and, out of desperation, he made the proposal as a way to keep her by his side. Diego, though outraged at first, somewhat understood Will's predicament as Sage also cheated on him early into their relationship, thus forgiving his new buddy so long as he does bring him back the ring before the weekend's end. 

This, unfortunately and unsurprisingly, does little to help with Diego's self-esteem as he fears he's not sexually satisfying enough after catching Sage pleasuring herself in a bathtub the day before, but it appears temptation is rearing its horny head for him as it looks like Cin's up to her old cheating tricks again, this time seducing Diego. To further complicate matters, Will is suddenly taking his shots on Sage, too, while driving to town together for groceries, promising her a good time that nobody else would ever know. 

Will the two take the bait? 

As you can tell by now, Bone Lake (2024) sets itself as a twisty erotic thriller highlighting the flaws of our main casts as both relatable figures and lovers, played with a B-grade tongue firmly pressed in a cheek and fair amount of steamy sex scenes. Yet, the film still finds the time to slow down and properly give our hapless pairs the time to grow as they share their vulnerabilities and insecurities behind their partners' backs, only to eventually face them when shit hits the fan and, by that, I mean the movie delivers a decent twist to what's really happening here, making way for a very backwoods slasher-inspired third act; chainsaws, crossbows, wise-cracking maniacs and all! Without a doubt, it takes a real long while before we do get to the splattery action, but by then insane motives and backstories were monologued, giving us a real demented and icky pair of psychos to terrorize our screens, and the movie does reward our patience with surprisingly decent stalk-and-stab sequences, visually enriched with awesome practical gore and some of the most satisfying kills to grace a forest-bound horror thriller.

Bone Lake (2024) may have the sweet and tangy coating of an inviting eye-candy exploitation and, in a lot of aspects, it is, the movie thankfully remembers to be fun with its horror thriller elements, playing us a genuinely intriguing situation of seductive temptations and moral reproach, then escalating the dangers from emotional and psychological to downright horrific and viscerally messy for our inner gorehounds! Its writing also fascinates the brooding situation without being overly titillating and prude, balancing the sexism and mystery along its well-rounded set of characters to both root for and be wary of, which is something I openly welcome if it means a real fun watch in-between all of the sleaze and slaughter. 

Delirious and debauched, Bone Lake (2024) promises outlandishly bunkum and a savage finale, just a good snatch to catch if you ever see yourself looking for something wilder and more bodacious from your typical horror thriller fix! 

Bodycount:

1 male repeatedly shot with a crossbow

1 female lands gut-first on a dead branch, killed offscreen with a crossbow

1 victim seen murdered, body being dragged and dumped into a lake (flashback)

1 victim mentioned murdered

1 male hacked on the head with an axe, lands face first on a chainsaw

1 female had her jaw whacked off with an axe and her hair caught on a boat propeller, dismembered

Total: 6

Camping The Camp: Bloody Murder (2000)

Bloody Murder (2000)

Rating: *1/2
Starring: Jessica Morris, Peter Guillemette, Patrick Cavanaugh

Well, boys and girls, can you name that one infamous hockey mask-wearing slasher known to lurk around the woods killing teenagers? If you answer 'Trevor Moorhouse' then I'm both impressed you even remember the guy, and disappointed coz you've probably never seen a Friday The 13th film. You're an anomaly of a slasher fan and that makes me sad...

So in this direct-to-video cheapo, trainee camp counselors fixing up Camp Placid Pines are disappearing one by one after bringing up a campfire boogieman named Trevor Moorhouse, who may or may not be responsible for cutting down the local population for a few years now. As suspicion variously falls on one another, our heroine Julie decides to do some amateur sleuthing to try and figure out who could be responsible for the potential murders going around the camp. And apparently this includes scenes of imagined scenarios wherein other characters are committing the murders to throw us off, and hilarious voice-over work whenever a letter is involved...

Bloody Murder (2000) was released around the time Scream (1996) made witty and satirical deconstruction of horror flicks look like the hottest thing to do, and it often feels like it with scenes shamelessly ripping and calling out slasher tropes, most of it coming from the resident horror nerd Tobe, who bemoans wry remarks like "...a great time to be walking through this camp alone. Why don’t you just paste a sign on my back that says ‘Please Kill Next’." (Yes, dude. We get it. You're trying to be Scream (1996)'s Randy) The result is nowhere as engaging nor as clever as it wanted to be, considering the whole murder mystery angle is clumsily handled with too many obvious red herrings and an acting tone dangerously leaning towards parody, courtesy of its eight-grade level writing. 

Nothing simply works here, not even the slasher elements which are awfully chaste by dead teenager flick standards; there's hardly a drop of blood for a good deal of these kills, no workable stalking or chase scenes involving a hapless victim and our masked murderer, and the raunchiest this movie ever got is a make-out session in the woods where no one got naked. Plus, the whole 'Trevor Moorhouse' shtick just isn't cutting it with how much the plot tried making him a household name here, making a mountain out of a molehill when the guy hardly even has the presence that demands attention, even more so when the killer ends up being someone we hardly paid attention to. But, hey, the movie seems to be dead set on making Trevor Moorhouse the next slasher star, so much so they're willing to risk a dumb twist ending featuring the hockey-masked maniac. (May have worked, though. This damn movie got two sequels, believe it or not...)

Perhaps the aim here was to be so bad it's good, but all I got is a whole lot of bad and very little of the good. If any. Bloody Murder (2000)? More like a bloody waste of film reel...

Bodycount:

1 male hacked up with a chainsaw

1 female stabbed with a kitchen knife

1 male shot to death with arrows

1 male had his throat cut with a kitchen knife

1 male gets a lawn dart thrown through his back

1 male found hanging dead atop a tree

1 male killed with a chainsaw

Total: 7

Bowling Over Dead: The 13th Alley (2008)

The 13th Alley (2008)

Rating: **

Starring: Robert Carradine, Randy Wayne, Bobb Hopkins

Back in 2008, slasher fans were treated with a horror movie that's as cheesy and sleazy as it is vile and gruesome, revolving around a rather obscene rape-and-revenge plot packed with fun gore effects and a hammy yet memorable masked killer, all of which centered around a dirty bowling alley. Some abhorred it, many loved it, overall it's a mini-cult classic of the splattery kind.

There's also The 13th Alley (2008).

Justin, special effects student and manager of Zodos Bowling & Beyond bowling alley, often uses his position and talents to hold private late-night games of "strip bowling", as well as pranking his buddies and their dates with realistic blood and guts. One of these evenings, however, didn't end too well when they tag along a random girl from the arcades to hang out with them, only for her to completely lose her cool upon seeing one of Justin's realistic prop heads rolling out from the ball return as a joke. It turns out the girl has a bit of history concerning her father decapitating his boss out of vengeful spite, a real deal of trauma that have her storming out. 

This incident is mostly brushed off the next night when the gang agree to do another round of "strip bowling", this time inviting over a Jamaican gal who happens to practice Voodoo hypnotism (No. Really.) It's all fun and games (as well as sex and pizza), until someone literally loses a head and a growling cloaked figure wearing an oversized knight helmet begins to stalk the alleys for more victims to behead and dismember with their bloody battle axe.

The 13th Alley (2008), in all honesty, mostly feels like a parody; its writing is as ridiculous as the kooky ensemble of characters, paired alongside gaggles of questionable acting and a direction that hams up a lot. At times the movie tries to play itself straight, usually during its slasher scenes, but it's undoubtedly hard to take any of the story seriously when you have couples making out after seemingly aroused by a prop rat falling down into a pizza oven, or a 'Voodoo' hypnotist trying to put someone in a trance by rolling her eyes over and over. We also have Robert Carradine as a zealous handyman being way too obvious of a red herring by babbling about God and prayers every single time he's on screen, and the Wilhelm Scream on loop as one poor chap loses a hand, I kid you not.

It's ineptly bad, but there's a hypnotic quality to its ineptness, so much so that it almost feels like a throwback to the old days of late night cable horror-thons or weekend drive-in features. Almost. You could say that The 13th Alley (2008)'s shlocky quality and high camp give it a so-bad-it's-good entertainment value, though its overall curiousness can get a tad bit distracting at times, especially when it gets in the way of the movie's more interesting ideas. Or a decent killing spree. Then again, if you're the tolerable and forgiving-type when it comes to horror films oozing with musty cheese, then this is a watchable effort. It's terrible, but at least it has a bit of fun here and there. 

Bodycount:

1 male found decapitated, head seen

1 female found decapitated, head seen

1 female knifed in the gut

1 male hacked in the chest with a battle axe

1 male drilled through the head

1 male hacked on the gut with a battle axe

1 female dismembered offscreen, parts seen

1 male killed with a battle axe

Total: 8

A Slay Belle In Toymaker Hell: Carnage For Christmas (2024)

Carnage For Christmas (Australia, 2024)

Rating: **1/2

Starring: Jeremy Moineau, Chris Asimos, Dominique Booth

As someone who's been subjecting oneself to slasher horror for some good decades or so, I've seen a lot of unusual jabs on the bodycounter sub-genre, may it be plot-wise or execution. One moment you're watching an angry snowman end someone by repeatedly bashing them with Christmas ornaments, or trapped teens get hunted down inside a mall by robots armed with lasers; next you're watching a murder mystery unfold ala gimmicky split screens, or follow the steps of a backwoods maniac as they hike through a dense forest looking for people to kill with little to no dialogue uttered. Cinema is a strange landscape, and horror movies will always be a part of its strangeness. 

And yet, here I am at a lost on what to make of this holiday stab-a-thon.

Returning to her hometown of Purdan for the first time after coming out of the closet and legging it from there when she was just 16 years old, true crime podcaster Lola (Jeremy Moineau) expects nothing but small town backwardness and transphobic insults from its residents upon her arrival. What she didn't see coming, though, is a bit of a warm welcome from a few good folks looking forward on meeting her, either fans of her podcast or queer like her. There's also the fact that Lola is a little of a local celebrity for solving an unsolved crime back when she was just a kid while partaking on a coming-of-age dare. One that involves an old house where, allegedly, a toymaker killed his entire family back in the 1930s. 

However, much to her and the town's horror, it appears the Toymaker, or likely someone insane enough to take on the role, has started a killing spree seemingly targeting people around Lola's circle. The police, either out of sheer homophobia or incompetence (or both), quickly dismisses these killings as "botched robberies" or simply "missing people". But not for Lola. No, she knows something is up when the cops are ignoring the fact that this is more than a simple crime case when the evidence is all over it, and she's going to use her skills and experience as a true crime podcaster to uncover the truth and stop the murderer before more lives are taken!

By all means, Carnage for Christmas (2024) has a good story to tell, one that feels like a fun rainy afternoon murder mystery you could cuddle up to with a hot drink, only queer-friendly and, well, gory given it's about a brain-bashing brute in a dirty Santa suit and mask. The plot is engagingly complex with red herrings and twisty turns, as well as a few good humor tossed around to lighten up a few moments. All of it driven by a tough and sassy amateur sleuth who takes no nonsense from sloppy cops and transphobic yokels, quick to think on her feet and surrounded by a small yet likable enough cast of side characters willing to help out so long as they don't fall victim to the Toymaker first. It's misadventures and shocking surprises around for this small town whodunnit, though it's executed in a rather "venturesome" manner that's distracting at its worst. 

 

While the mystery has a decent weight to it, there are moments where it gets a bit much with the details and characters, plenty of them popping up only to do nothing but be on the back burner until the story finds the appropriate time to bring them up again. The movie's untrammeled editing is also a cavalcade of overdone stylization, too hammed up and brashly experimental that it often feels out of place against the movie's film's more serious notes. The writing can be too on the nose on occasion, nearing cheeky, and the kills are, sadly, lackluster despite the attempts to make them feel or look gnarly. There's a "blood eagle" corpse that does look nice and I do like the one murder involving a hand-crank drill for the novelty of the weapon, but the rest were done with these store bought props, awkward graphics and CG blood effects that they're awfully frustrating to look at.   

And then there's the finale; what could have been your simple brawl between an unmasked maniac and the final girl starts with our podcaster pretty much explaining how she figured out the killer's motive and what led them to this path of murdering and mayhem, all the while trying to avoid being detected by crawling around and rolling behind tables and boxes while the maniac stalks around an empty bar. They fight with B-grade choreography and it seems the killer was about to get the upper hand, until a pair of fake boobs knocks them unconscious and, well, gets tazed to the point of defecating. I shit you not. (pun intended) 

It's this overly manic execution and mismatched comedic tone that just doesn't work for me; I like the lead gal, the urban myth that goes along with the masked slasher and, too, the reveal made regarding the killer's modus operandi, but a more consistent flow and direction would have made me like this movie a bit more. Perhaps the movie could have benefitted from a tweak or two in its direction, but the resulting product is still unique enough to standout among murder mystery slashers and queer horror, not to mention decently passable for a modern Ozploitation indie work. Feel free to see Carnage for Christmas (2024) for your fix of yuletide nightmares, just don't expect to take it too seriously...

Bodycount:

1 male gutted with a switchblade (story)

1 female brained to death with a hammer

1 female brained with a hammer, later found disemboweled

1 female jabbed in the neck with a breast drill

1 male brained with a hammer, scalp pried open

Total: 5

Of Hollywood and Puritans: MaxXxine (2024)

MaxXxine (2024)

Rating: ***

Starring: Charley Rowan McCain, Simon Prast, Mia Goth

First, in 2022, director Ti West threw us back in time to the 1970s to experience X, a barn massacre through the lens of porn culture and Southern fried proto-slashers ala Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974) and Eaten Alive (1976). And then, just a few months later, he had us seeing and feeling the tragedy that is that movie's leading villainess in her own origin story ala prequel title, Pearl, a grim yet loving nod to old 1910s Hollywood technicolor and psycho-drama. Now, West has returned to act as our tour guide across Mid-80s Regan era Tinseltown, following the footsteps of an uprising starlet with a dark, shadowy past: Maxine fucking Minx!

It's been six years since Maxine (Mia Goth) survived her brush with death after a porn shoot in rural Texas turned into a massacre and she's now working as an underground porn celebrity. But Miss Minx wants more in her life; the glamour of Hollywood, her feet on the red carpet and her name on The Walk of Fame. She wants to be a star. A real Hollywood star. And she's willing to climb her way into mainstream fame by any means necessary, that including starring in a woman-directed sequel to a controversial horror title, The Puritan. (Which is so bad, there are already Christian zealots with picking signs outside the studio, expressing their displeasure of the production!)

Fortunately for Maxine, she got the role! Unfortunately for her, her past refuses to stay buried: a shifty private investigator (Kevin Bacon) begins to stalk and pester her about her involvement in the porn shoot massacre, threatening to expose this dirty little secret should she refuse to follow the orders of an enigmatic benefactor. Little does he know, Maxine, who spends a few spare times at night beating the balls out of creeps, as well as scoring some connections to the shadier side of the acting business through her agent, is more than ready to get her hands dirty to make sure that part of her life remains six feet under.

Would this be enough, however, to stop a shadowy figure who's not only following Maxine's rise to stardom, but is murdering those she have grown close to lately? Perhaps there's more to the arrival of the investigator than expected. Someone out there wants her to know they're watching. Waiting. Judging whether to punish her for accepting a life she doesn't deserve... 

Comparing this with X (2022) and Pearl (2022), MaxXxine (2024) strays the furthest away from being a horror flick and is more of a crime thriller with horror elements, practically a neo-giallo painted in late-80s nostalgia. Much of the plot here is centered on Maxine's struggle to reach the limelight of Hollywood and the murder investigation she finds herself tangled in, with the former being the more intriguing deal of the movie as it opened an opportunity for the titular character to be explored further, to see how she would deal with the challenges standing in her way to become Hollywood's next big thing. It's a neat set-up and it has its moments of interest, most involving Kevin Bacon's creep of a character being beaten black, blue and red all over, but the effect feels cheapened by the direction's lack of depth and dimension, something that could've been corrected if only the characters, Maxine included, were more defined and developed to raise the stakes higher, making this should-be thrilling mystery, well, thrilling! But instead, the casts are reduced to one-note names caught in a bizarre stalk-and-stab situation, most of who are pushed aside with how much the story focused on Maxine's rise to stardom. All the while Maxine herself remains stagnant as a personality in her pursuit for success, leaving us with a journey that's too straight of a line to be anything more exciting.  

It's not until the third act where the horror shtick rears its ugly head in full gear after popping in and out throughout the film in small servings. This, in turn, means we only get a handful of slasher-friendly scenes, the closest to looking and feeling genuinely straight out of a bodycounter flick being a savage knife murder at a video store. Curiously enough, the kill count does go double digits eventually, but this is through a macabre police shootout at the story's conclusion, again putting MaxXxine (2024) further away from being a fright flick and aligned closer with horror-flavored cop thrillers ala Manhunter (1986) or Body Double (1984).

Despite all of these shortcomings, though, MaxXxine (2024) is far from unwatchable. It's lacking, sure, but it's entertaining if you're not really looking for a movie that dives deep into its own story and is more on the deal of giving us a messed-up misadventure tainted with blood and intrigue just for the sake of it. It's beautifully shot as a nostalgic piece, impressively recreating a good dose of late-80s vibe and aesthetic from the music to make-up, from its set-pieces to the bouncing-rocking soundtrack. (Love me a good Kim Carnes song!) The mystery itself is also a fun little trip from the little connive it generated as to who exactly is out to get Maxine. The reveal is sort of underwhelming, I'll admit, but the madness that follows has just that much crazy going for it that it works, not to mention it does tie up Maxine's Hollywood saga quite nicely if anything. (Plus it leads to an awesome head decimation, that has to count for something) And, of course, Mia Goth being quite the spunky, hard-hitting doll as she nails her role magnificently! Maxine may be underdeveloped, but at least she's a fun watch thanks to Goth's performance.

Not quite the showstopper I expected for Ti West's 'X' trilogy to end on but, small mercies, MaxXxine (2024) could have been worse. Way worse. It might be missing the gore-soaked, haunting creepiness of X (2022), or the soul-crushing heartbreak of Pearl (2022), as a shlocky cop thriller-slash-murder adventure, this one is serviceable enough on a B-grade scale. 

Bodycount:

2 females murdered offscreen, bodies later found in a lake

1 male slaughtered with a hunting knife

1 male handcuffed inside a car, crushed to death in a hydraulic compactor

1 female found dismembered

2 males seen shot dead

1 male shot

1 female shot

1 female shot

1 male shot

1 male shot, stabbed in the nose with switchblade

1 male shot

1 male shot

1 male found shot dead

1 male shot, bled to death

1 female found stabbed in the eye with a crucifix, falls down a hill

1 male had his head shot and decimated with a shotgun

Total: 18

Bloody Hell Of A Retreat: The Cabining (2014)

The Cabining (2014)

Rating: ***

Starring: Mike Kopera, Bo Keister, Angela Relucio

With their recent slasher treatment scoffed down as tired and mediocre, as well as a looming long overdue rent threatening to kick them out on the street, horror screenwriters Todd and Bruce are desperately in need of an inspired terror tale to wow interested buyers and where else should they find said inspiration other than Shangri-La, weekend cabin retreat designed to help artistic types get their juices flowing.

Only, shortly after they arrive, the other artists staying there start to die in mysterious circumstances, a lot of which seems to be whenever a certain oddball sculptor named Jasper is around. The cops mostly disregard these deaths as accidents and Shangri-La's rather lax host dismisses the notion that Jasper could harm anyone. (Even though the guy carries a machete and casually bags a decapitated head) Then again, it's not like he's the only suspicious fella in the cabin; Todd's growing impatience and desperation appear to hint a shortening fuse that's about to go full murder, and then there's Bruce's overly jovial outlook on these recent string of dead people piling up...

The Cabining (2014) is, admittedly, one of those movies that you're not really going to lose sleep over, but it does enough right to be at least worth a look. For one, the two main leads simply carried the film with their frustrated yet cordial chemistry, as Mike Kopera's Todd, being the geeky yet responsible type, mostly just tagging along with the more outgoing and positive Bo Keister's Bruce to make sure his bestfriend-slash-idea guy doesn't end up in deep trouble. (Or will become the trouble) The two are portrayed as absolute chums and I love how natural they play their banter despite the clashing ideas and ideals, overlooking some questionable moments wherein Bruce can be a tad much with his misplaced positivity and flirty attempts, so much so that it borderlines suspicious along side comical.

As a slasher, The Cabining (2014) does lean closer towards a whodunit murder mystery than actual stalk-and-stab, with victims being discovered horrifically snuffed out by seemingly (and not so seemingly) accidental deaths, all the while the surviving cabin guests are trying to figure out who among them could be the killer. (Or, perhaps, find enough damning proof that the really eccentric sculptor is the murderer among them) A lot of the kills are offcamera due to this direction, but there's enough gnarly practical and make-up effects done for the resulting corpses, giving us a fair share of gory eye candy. There's also a semi-decent twist somewhere at the last third of the film, a bit of it kinda obvious but countered fairly by a villain reveal I never really saw coming. I would have liked the movie a lot more if it ended on this silly yet dark and gutsy note but, instead, it pulled off one more curveball under our noses. One that opted for a final scare before going down on a saccharine good note that felt overly rushed and sudden, hardly bringing up a solid motive behind the actual killer's murder spree, even. It could have been better but, also, could have been worse. Way worse. 

What could have been a dime-in-a-dozen backwoods slasher, The Cabining (2014) pulled some extra punches to do a little better and the result is, while not exceedingly phenomenal, admirable to say the least. Polished and written effectively as a horror comedy indie, try this one for the giggles!

Bodycount:

1 female found landed mouth-first on a tree root, head impaled

1 male head found

1 male overdoses on heart medication

1 male found killed by a triggered log trap

1 female found knifed on the back

1 male found dead with a hammer claw to the eye

1 female stabbed in the eye with a fountain pen

1 male ran through the back with a kitchen knife

Total: 8 

Murderin' The Mollys: Totally Killer (2023)

Totally Killer (2023)

Rating: ***1/2

Starring: Kiernan Shipka, Olivia Holt, Charlie Gillespie

So we have time loops ala Groundhog Day (1993) get stabby with Happy Death Day (2017), body swapping ala Freaky Friday (1976) go bloody with Freaky (2020) and Christmastime existential dramedy ala It's a Wonderful Life (1946) hack' n slashin' a massacre with It's A Wonderful Knife (2023). Following this trend of slasherfying pre-existing intellectual properties, Totally Killer  (2023) joins the party with a terror time travel tale that's one part Scream (1996), one part Back To The Future (1985), and maybe a bit of Mean Girls (2004) thrown in there.

The suburban town of Vernon is one with a dark past; 35 years ago, three high school girls were murdered by an unknown assailant, stabbing them sixteen times on their sixteenth birthdays. The madman was never caught, the crime is unsolved after all these years and the victims happen to be the friends of one local mother named Pam (Julie Bowen), who basically raised her daughter Jamie (Kiernan Shipka) armed to the teeth in safety gear so she wouldn't meet a similar fate. The angsty seventeener, however, has grown irritable over her mom's anxious overprotectiveness and opted to see a concert one Halloween night, leaving Pam alone to fend for herself when someone dressed as the "Sweet Sixteen Killer" crashes in and murders her.

Shocked, sorrowful and very regretful for dismissing her mother's fears, Jamie investigates the murder with the help of the town's crime podcaster Chris (Jonathan Potts), who reveals to her a note left by the killer to Pam back in 1987, promising they would return one day to finish the job for good. Also helping her through the grief is her bestfriend Amelia, a super genius whose science fair project is an old photobooth-turned-time machine (!) which she warmly suggests possibly using to travel back in the past and stop the Sweet Sixteen Killer, just for that small chance for Jamie's mom to survive and live on. Fortunately for these girls, they get to see it work! Unfortunately, though, it happened after the Sweet Sixteen Killer swoops in to mangle the heart-to-heart moment, accidentally stabbing the machine which apparently triggers it. 

Caught in the resulting time warp and flung back to 1987, on the eve of the first murder, Jamie navigates through the 80s culture crash in a race against time to stop the victims-to-be from dying at the knife-wielding hands of a psycho, but this is rather a problematic mission when she discovers that her mother is the leader of a bullying clique, who are more or less prone to ticking all the right boxes of being the walking, talking, dying slasher victim stereotypes of drunken beef heads and bitchy prima donnas. 

Interestingly (and probably the film's most creative element), whatever changes Jamie causes in the past in her attempts to stop the murders are felt and noticed by characters in the present, much to some confusion. It's this film's little jab on a popular observed phenomenon known as the Mandela Effect, wherein a group of people collectively misremember facts or events in a consistent manner, and clever details like this is what keeps Totally Killer (2023)'s take on a time travel story fresh and watchable enough to be entertaining. On top of that, this film's approach on its comedy, something I can best describe as a cluster of 'fish-out-of-water via time misplacement' jokes meet low key meta-humor, occasionally lands a good laugh whenever the writing delivers a right amount of snark and smarts, something Kiernan Shipka's crotchety, impassive performance as our teen time traveler help make most of it work. There are occasions, though, where the funnies can get disappointingly predictable on moments that it veers into the usual time travel jabs of generational clash and culture shock. 

Totally Killer (2023)'s comedy-leaning direction also meant that the slasher goods often feel lacking in grandeur. Sure, it is brutal and bloody, and we do get a couple of great murder set-pieces that end with a shocking death or a ironically funny pay off, but there's hardly any variety to the kills and I just couldn't fully get into the villain's design which, perhaps, may have look cool and creepy on concept with the whole snazzy wear juxtaposed by their ghoulish, exaggerated grinning mask, but the resulting product simply looks too clean cut to be intimidating. Still, there's a neat twist to the identity of the killer that I honestly didn't see coming, paired with motives that's one end dreadful, another end silly yet in tune with the movie's overall tone, so it's not an absolute loss.

Production quality is pretty decent, capturing its retro 80s vibe quite nicely with a bopping soundtrack and stylized set work. It has a couple of loose wires and wear as a scifi horror comedy, but what do you expect from a movie where two generations of high schoolers are smart enough to create a working time machine out of a photo booth? (I mean, that kid should be in NASA or something!) Totally Killer (2023) is, for its worth, totally fine so long as you don't take it too seriously! 

Bodycount:

1 female stabbed to death with a hunting knife

1 female stabbed to death with a hunting knife

1 female stabbed to death with a hunting knife

1 male ran through with a scythe

1 female had her throat cut with a hunting knife

1 male stabbed in the head with a hunting knife

1 male disintegrated

Total: 7

Mukhayam Alshaati Aldamawii: Camp (2008)

Camp (Egypt, 2008) (AKA "Kamb")

Rating: ***

Starring: Yasmen Abaza, Amr Abdelaziz, Amr Abdullatif

It's not very often we see a horror film straight out of Egypt due to the country's strict censorship, so the fact that we even got this teen slasher from them is no short of a miracle and a real ham of a treat for us bodycount fans. 

The scene starts at a luxurious birthday party of one Wael, who we see having a bit of a talk with his on-again-off-again fiancé Shirin before she has to leave on the account of a family emergency. Right about that time, the rather beautiful Shaky arrives with her date Gamal to join the festivities and then the story jumps ahead a year later. And Shaky is now dead.

After visiting her grave, Wael, Shirin, Gamel and the rest of their gang (plus Shirin's kid sister for some reason) drive to the titular camp, which is less of a camp and more of a nearly-barren hotel manned by its owner and his promiscuous wife, a trolley guy with a case of sticky fingers and a mute cleaning lady who eyes the guests suspiciously. The group's there to celebrate their graduation by having a great time at the beach, dining fine and dancing around a bonfire to some spicy salsa music. Trouble comes bickering when talk of romance, cheating and doing the nasty out of wedlock gets brought up within the group, but that would soon escalate to more dire problems like random fires down hallways, creepy shadows looming across windows and their cars' batteries going dead. 

Dire turns deadly when a killer resembling a pale ghoul shows up to terrorize the doomed partyers, stabbing and hacking people to death, stirring up a whole mess of accusations and suspicions as the victims try to uncover who's hunting them all down...

Focused more on building suspense and intrigue rather than a high kill count or a messy spot of gore, Camp (2008) works its way through the interpersonal problems and relations of its casts for a good bulk of the plot, building enough drama and red herrings for the eventual killing spree to make it as twisty in its turns as possible. It's an approach that would've functioned better if it wasn't for the bits of comedic outings that clash with the movie's more serious moments, not to mention the sudden amount of overacting and breakneck editing around the second half which knocks off any earnest sense of chill or fright from the murders. Still, the film is shot with a modest quality and there's an undeniable fun factor to be found so long as you don't mind a dose of cheese and what's practically a run-fest of victims fleeing all over the hotel while the killer either legs after them or show off their parkour skills. It doesn't always fly well, nor does it make sense, but it's gorgeous to look at and it surely does help not to overthink how quickly our killer can change in and out of their cosplay-level disguise, among many other things.

The kills aren't too graphic and are mostly implied offscreen to appease Egypt's censors, not quite that big of a problem personally since the scenes around the attacks work well enough entertainment-wise. The finale is, shall we say, up for the audience's interpretation: it would have been your standard unmasking and reveal with a flashback to compliment the twist, only made just that complicated and confusing by adding one little detail that simply doesn't make any lick of sense at all. The film just threw it at us at the near end and left it at that, but the very gist of the whole fiasco's basically one big revenge plot and so long as that's clear at least, I can roll with it.

Camp (2008) undoubtedly could have been better, but for what it is able to accomplish, I can appreciate. It has the look and feel of an 80s slasher done right, one that isn't too coy on hamming it a bit with its thrills and spills. A neat little bodycounter flick from a different culture!

Bodycount:

1 male hacked on the neck with a curved knife

1 female found dead from a cut throat

1 female hacked on the head with a curved knife

1 male stabbed in the back with a curved knife

1 female stabbed in the back with a curved knife

1 male found stabbed in the back with a curved knife

1 female killed offscreen, later found stabbed in the chest with a curved knife

1 male found stabbed on the back with a curved knife

Total: 9

The Old Home: Next of Kin (1982)

Next of Kin (Australia, 1982)

Rating: ****

Starring: Jacki Kerin, John Jarratt, Alex Scott

Made and released during Australia's boom of exploitation flicks, this cult classic slasher thriller is an anomaly in aesthetics but well deserving of its status of a genre-defining favorite among many!

Returning back to her home town after receiving news that her dear mother passed away, Linda Stevens (Jacki Kerin) sees herself inheriting Montclare, a gothic yet luxuriant nursing home that her mother and aunt Rita created out of their own manor. Knowing little about the place, Linda entertained the idea of just selling it away and getting on with her life, but seeing the pleasant hostility of the home's head nurse Connie (Gerda Nicolson) and local medic Dr. Barton (Alex Scott), who both have been running the Montclare during the times Linda's mother was ailing, she sensed something rather off about her situation, opting to ponder over her decisions a bit more and maybe even managing the place while she's at it. 

When one of the elderly residents is found dead at the bottom of a bathtub one day, Linda's stay in Montclare took a turn for the macabre as she's now catching glimpses of a mysterious figure hanging around the grounds, getting phone calls from someone heavily breathing on the other line, as well as finding sink and baths mysteriously left open to run. Furthermore, she discovers her late-mother's diary detailing something evil lurking within the manor and her aunt's eventual descent into violent madness twenty years ago. When asked about the home's dark past, Dr Barton and Connie decline to speak about the matter, forcing Linda to seek help from a local boy she's romancing named Barney (Pre-Wolf Creek John Jarratt!) in uncovering what's really going on in Montclare...

To call Next of Kin (1982) a slasher is only true for about a third of the movie as the rest play out more as a slow burn psychological thriller crafted with effectively haunting imagery, stylized scenery, and, too, intriguing characters for the premise to focus on. It's a direction that may not work for most, but the film's steady and controlled pacing undoubtedly help build the story and tension towards a workably dark and gothic mystery behind the enigmatic horrors hidden in Montclare, fleshing out the devil in the details and, too, raising the dread the further the situation deepens. There's a mild surrealist bend to its execution, making use of a good deal of superb camerawork and uncannily eloquent visuals to give this Ozploitation piece a psuedo-supernatural sense in its scares, adding more on its creep factor. In turn, the narrative is well-acted and tainted with low cheese, influenced greatly by the Old Dark House horror outings down to the very tropes of apparent hauntings and suspiciously secretive individuals, with lead actress Jacki Kerin navigating her character through this unraveling plot with a fair range of being warmly nostalgic towards the old town she grew up in and simply downright horrified once a nightmarish turn starts a horrifying killing spree. 

It isn't until the closing act where the murdering steps in, as a genuinely enthralling reveal sets off a good old fashioned cat-and-mouse stalking and terrifyingly villains on the prowl. It's a rewarding payoff after an hour of build up, one that may have rushed the bodycount since most of the murders were done offcamera, but the striking imagery of the slaughtered bodies do make up for it, plus the overall eeriness of the attacks, done hauntingly through expressive camera work and sound design, are among the most efficient I've seen! 

So, not the most carnal slasher out there, but Next of Kin (1982) manages to maintain a noteworthy cult following for just how it stands out in tone and style compared to most other bodycounter horror flicks. It's a genuine horror gem spellbound with a patient yet captivatingly dark storytelling, exploding into a visceral display of tormented realities and murderous psychosis just right before the film meets its reaches its strange yet captivating conclusion. If you're yet to see this, then you owe yourself a viewing of this psychological mini-masterpiece from our friends down under! 

Bodycount:

1 elderly male found dead in a bath tub

1 elderly male found drowned in a bath tub (flashback)

1 female found dead from a slashed throat

1 male found murdered, face bloodied 

1 female found murdered, body seen in bath tub

1 male found dead from a head wound and a syringe to the neck, body seen in bath tub

1 female stabbed through the eye with a hat pin comb

1 male had his head blown off with a shot gun

Total; 8

Carve Us Some Meat, John Carver: Thanksgiving (2023)

Thanksgiving (2023)

Rating: ****

Starring: Patrick Dempsey, Ty Olsson, Gina Gershon

Ever since director Eli Roth tossed in a fake trailer about a slasher film taking place in Thanksgiving, complete with an axe-wielding pilgrim and a decapitated turkey mascot, in the double-feature exploitation throwback Grindhouse (2007), a lot of slasher fans wanted the film to become a reality, even more so when the other featured fake trailers got their own movie adaptations, namely Machete (2010) and Hobo With A Shotgun (2011). Now, sixteen years later after long believed to be a dead project, we are thankful to say that we finally have another Thanksgiving slasher to gorge on! 

It was Thanksgiving night in Plymouth, Massachusetts when tragedy struck the town, as the staff of a local big box retailer, lacking much security against the horde of pissed-off consumers, got swarmed during its Black Friday sale. A riot quickly formed, resulting to one security guard trampled, the store manager's wife accidentally killed and a few other fatal casualties among the injured many. 

Jump ahead a year and the owner of the store (Rick Hoffman) opted to continue its operation despite the protests of a small mob who are still bitter from the fiasco. In turn, Jessica (Nell Verlaque), who’s the daughter of said store owner, finds herself and her friends in an odd and vaguely unsettling social media tag featuring cryptic messages and a picture of a Thanksgiving dinner set with their names on it. Being partially responsible of the mob riot of one yesteryear ago, the group can't help but see this as jab on them, but they try their best to ignore it, hide their guilt and move on from the incident. Little do they know is that someone is going to make sure they own up to it, along with a few other folks linked to the deaths that occurred during that horrible holiday scuffle. 

Soon, a killer wearing a creepy John Carver mask and suited in full Pilgrim wear is carving up the guilty ones with an axe. The town sheriff (Patrick Dempsey) quickly pieces together that the victims all had something to do with last year's Thanksgiving riot, but with so many people involved that night, pointing out potential suspects is no easy task. Eventually, Jessica has an encounter with ole' John Carver and nearly got her head chopped off in the matter, forcing her and her friends to help with the investigation and put a stop to the masked slasher, even more so when their threatened number is quickly dwindling down to none. 

With a good murder mystery at play and savage kills from a cool-looking killer to boot, Thankgiving (2023) practically shows that director Eli Roth knows his way around the bodycounting sub-genre, piecing in a lot of fair and fun tributes to many slasher tropes and playing them with a right balance of dread and humor. You'll pretty much get moments like John Carver gutting a poor tubby sap with an electric knife and decapitated them with a deadly wire, before having him taking the time to properly feed his victim's now ownerless cat before legging it out with a severed head which will later turn up as a macabre centerpiece of a dinner table. Its direction and writing basically juggles its tones with a considerably good balance and I am glad to say that it holds well through a good bulk of the plot, emphasizing the serious threat of the murders as the authorities and the targeted teenagers try piecing together clues regarding the identity of the maniac behind the mask, all the while sidelining to a silly My Bloody Valentine (1981)-inspired love triangle with potential red herrings, quirky discussions involving a character's unusual nickname, or visits to the local gun-totting, drug-dealing idiot played by Joe Delfin who, honestly, have to be my favorite character out of the bunch for how increasingly silly he gets in his attempts to be cool with the kids and even help them. A good swing on the acting department definitely helps make whole mystery gig watchable, plus the cordial portrayal of the friend group is just refreshing to watch.

Many of the ridiculous yet brutal holiday carnage of massacred parades and human "turkey" cook-outs are lifted from the original faux trailer that inspired this film, though more noticeably polished and not as exploitative. (we still got the trampoline striptease, for one, but it didn't end with a near-naked cheerleader doing the splits unto an erect knife by accident) The movie wisely makes up for it with a great deal of gory effects and a better variety for its kills, from standard slayings of twisted heads and knife stabbings, to savage ends like a live-broadcasted head crushing and even a full face impalement courtesy of a runaway ship prop, most of it done under the horrifically twisted spirit of the Fall holiday. On top of that, Thanksgiving (2023) have the good grace of giving us real nail-biting chase sequences that hearken back to a couple of slasher classics, one channeling Prom Night (1980) as a teen find themselves alone and hunted in a school with an axe-wielding maniac, the other bringing pitchfork horror vibes ala The Prowler (1981) as a victim plays cat-and-mouse with the killer (who accidentally made his mask cooler by leaving one side to burn on a pre-heating oven) inside a dilapidated yet well-equipped lair.

Of all the things the movie did right, however, Thanksgiving (2023) did loose a few footings and clumsily stumbled down in places, mainly within its last act. It's kinda disappointing as a potentially good set-up was there; John Carver have gathered all of his victims, the surviving ones tied to chairs while corpses of the unfortunate others are propped up in seats, used as decors or even served as the main course in a horrifying sight that comes across something out of Happy Birthday To Me (1981) and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974). The killer does a fine job delivering a twisted monologue taunting his victims and even adding another body to the count, but then two of the survivors manage to escape and that leads to a backwoods chase that ends just as it started. A supposed twist is then revealed, only to be undone by another and, again, the film looks like it's gearing up for another fun chase sequence, this time involving 16th century muskets and a pick-up truck, but that's also wrapped up abruptly without much fanfare (despite the big blaze involved) and leaves us with a stale parting gift of a predictable jumpscare, as well as a sequel bait as (say it with me) no body was found. This whole finale is simply a hack job in the editing department, terribly rushed with too many survivors and a reveal that should've been good given that the story had the chance to dwell on it further. Still, it could have been worse. Way worse.

Stuffed with enough good bits to make most slashers fun, Thanksgiving (2023) is a welcome addition to holiday bodycounters, one that serves a platter of carnage, satire and witty humor, as well as a decent tribute to the golden age of dead teenager flicks. It may not hit all the marks right, but there's still plenty of a killer treat to be found here. Serve it up and gobble it down!

Bodycount:

1 male trampled to death

1 male had his neck caught and cut on a glass shard, bled to death

1 female hit on the head by an incoming shopping cart, neck broken

1 female split in half in a car-crushed dumpster bin

1 male stabbed in the gut with an electric knife, decapitated with a thin wire

1 male had his head twisted

1 female pushed to a table saw, eviscerated

1 male decapitated with an axe

1 male had his head impaled by a projected bowsprit

1 female impaled on a thrown pitchfork, cooked to death inside an oven

1  female seen dead from multiple stab wounds

1 male had his skull bashed apart with a meat tenderizer

Total: 12

Images (c) Google

Death by Scuba: Amsterdamned (1988)

Amsterdamned (Netherlands, 1988)

Rating: ***

Starring: Huub Stapel, Monique van de Ven, Serge-Henri Valcke

One part-slasher, one part-cop thriller, Amsterdamned (1988) follows a series of murders happening around the murky canals of Amsterdam, perpetrated by someone in full diving gear. The victims are chosen by random, often pulled into the water to be savagely slaughtered before having their corpses displayed out in the open for every unfortunate soul to see. Tasked to solve this case is one police detective Eric Visser (Huub Stapel), your typical hardboiled single father-type who plays by his own rules, only to find himself constantly one step behind our killer and following leads that may or may not hit dead ends, resulting to more victims falling prey to our murderous scuba diver and putting the city in a state of panic.

Made by Dutch director Dick Maas, this serial killer horror thriller follows all the norms one would find from your usual police procedural flicks revolving around detectives diving deep into their investigations, piecing together potential motivation or maybe even a pattern from each crime scene in hopes of solving the murders before more people fall victim to it. What set Amsterdamned (1988) apart from its kin is the unique premise of the killer prowling the canals before emerging to abduct and murder their victims underwater, which means a lot of Jaws (1975)-style bodycounting that pretty much sets this film for outrageously amusing underwater slasher shlock!

Some fine examples of this include the very opening scene of the film wherein we spend a good build-up watching through the frogman killer's point-of-view as they swim the canals at night, before popping up to murder a prostitute with a stolen butcher knife and dragging the body away. The gnarly part doesn't happen until after the credits, however, when a daytime tour boat goes through the arch of a bridge only to have itself dragging against the prostitute’s dangling butchered body, smearing blood over the glass windows before falling in through an open roof, much to the absolute horror of the passengers. Another equally odd yet entertaining scene happens further into the movie where we see a random girl in an inflatable floatie chilling in the canal, getting a Nightmare on Elm Street (1984)-inspired demise as the killer sticks their knife through the inflatable before carefully positioning it to angle where they can just run it right between the girl’s thighs!

When not entertaining us with slasher murders, Maas also set up some thrilling action sequences from car chases pursuing motorcycle-riding suspects through Amsterdam's narrow streets, to this film's most highlighted sequence concerning a high-speed boat chase through the city's network of canals and bridges, filled with an unabashed amount of stunt work jumping over the top of bridges, skidding through cafes, crashing through other boats and Huub Stapel being dragged behind his running boat in the midst of the pursuit. Without a doubt, the city of Amsterdam is used to its full effect during these thrill rides, shot as beautifully as the inventive escapades themselves. 

The only drawback here is that, in order to get to these fun set-pieces, we do have to sit through some very standard slow moments like our lead detective's romantic endeavors with a widowed diving enthusiast named Laura (Monique van de Ven), whose suspiciously unamused therapist friend (Hidde Maas) doesn't appear to appreciate the fact that the ruffled investigator is getting a tad close with the lady, or the little side-plot of Visser's cheekily snarky daughter and her friend attempting to track the killer paranormally through an ouija board. It's a lot of establishing banter and quirky moments, which isn't exactly a bad thing for cheese and giggle's sake, but they have the tendency to slow things down and stretching the film's run needlessly for almost two hours.

Still, some of these little moments do tie in to the mystery nicely enough, leading to this movie's final act and perhaps its most suspenseful set-up wherein Laura believes she has entered the killer's house and does her darnest to hide away from the suspect while finding the opportunity to get the jump on them. It has some tension, a good reveal to the killer's motive that's more or less in par with what you would get from a B-grade slasher, though I do wish the finale have a bit more pep to it as it concludes rather anti-climactically. 

Amsterdamned (1988) definitely fits the bill as an entertainingly bad flick, one with a premise that sounds absolutely silly but executed with enough gusto, cheesy charm and cynical tongue-in-cheek to keep its fun factor rolling strong! 

Bodycount:

1 female stabbed to death with a butcher knife

1 male found decapitated

1 male dragged into the water, later found mutilated

1 female pulled into the water, later found murdered

1 female gets a hunting knife ran through her groin

1 male drowned inside a sinking houseboat

1 male stabbed to death with a hunting knife

1 male shot in the mouth with a harpoon

Total: 8