She's Titanium: M3GAN (2023)

M3GAN (2023)
Rating: ***1/2
Starring: Allison Williams, Violet McGraw and Ronny Chieng

If there's anything I learned from watching murderous robot movies is that it usually starts with a good (or, at least, "good-ish") intention; The Terminator (1984) started with a revolutionary defense network computer. Chopping Mall (1986) started with "Protector bots" getting set to patrol a mall. These machines were all designed and programmed to benefit us, but once that programming becomes problematic for the bots, the bodycount drops and all hell breaks loose. Producers James Wan and Jason Blum, along with director Gerard Johnstone jumps into this bandwagon with their film M3GAN, showing us what would happen when a highly advanced "toy" is programmed to do most, if not all child-rearing duties, all the while having the industrial robot strength to tear someone's head off.

At Funki Toy Corporation, developer Gemma wants to revolutionize robotic toys by working on a prototype autonomous doll with highly adaptive artificial intelligence. Lovingly nicknamed M3GAN, for "Model 3 Generative Android", the doll fails to show any value for Gemma's CEO boss David Lin as not only did the prototype's impromptu first demonstration end up disastrously with melted silicone and computer glitches, but the CEO is more interested in making sure Funki is still on the top of the toy market food chain after finding out competitors started making cheaper knock-offs of their more popular products, forcing Gemma to continue working on improving their pre-existing brands instead.

Further hindering Gemma's plans on finalizing M3GAN is an unexpected turn in her life; after a road accident took the lives of her sister and brother-in-law, Gemma becomes the guardian of her young niece Cady James. This initially clashes greatly with Gemma's workaholic life, but she's determined to do her best in balancing out her work days with nurturing Cady, even if it meant finding somebody else to carry the burden. 

Somebody, or something.

This inspires Gemma and her colleagues to propel themselves to finally perfecting M3GAN and have decided to make Cady the doll's primary user. After another demonstration in which M3GAN showed great interaction with the girl, David is impressed and convinced that this will surely put Funki ahead of other toy companies, thus starts a campaign project wherein Cady becomes the poster child for a planned public unveiling for M3GAN. What everyone fails to take account for, however, is just how good M3GAN is as at bonding with Cady, so much so that the girl has grown an unhealthy attachment to the robot. Furthermore, M3GAN's growing independence is vastly improving and adapting past beyond parental and emotional support, soon developing a manipulative and mechanical bloodlust that have her eliminating anything and anyone she views as a threat to Cady's well-being.

The truth of the matter is, M3GAN is a big melting pot of varying horror tropes found not only in "bot gone rogue" fright flicks, but also in "killer toy" horror stories wherein the plaything gets to do away one victim at the time as it takes advantage that no one would suspect a child's toy to be the killer, even if said toy happens to be as tall as a child, programmed to walk, talk, learn and do dances out of the blue. That being said, what it lacks in originality, it makes up with silliness and cheese, the kind of cheeky entertainment one would enjoy once we shut off the big melon between our shoulders and accept the fact that a killer robot child can do that much damage and have enough sass to still go around. 

An attempt for depth is present, yes, with the script taking the time to bring up the consequences of children getting too attached to gadgets and technology-based toys as it affects their developing social skills and relationships, as well as showing the negative impacts of adults choosing to use technology as a rearing tool and a mean to avoid problems. The execution for these themes, though, often comes paired with directions littered with horror tropes and chuckle-worthy craziness, making the attempted drama feel majorly hammy and misplaced. For most, this would be a real deal breaker, but if you don't really see this as that big of a problem and you're just in it for the popcorn-friendly fun, then M3GAN still delivers. 

Among its share of good points, the film has a preposterous yet sharp work of writing satirizing the dog-eat-dog world of toy markets and technology addiction, helped work by an alright line of talented casts, particularly Allison Williams as Gemma, whose hyperrational and shortsighted cheerfulness towards the seeming success of her robotic creation gets satisfyingly challenged once she figured out that she may have done too well in making M3GAN the perfect child companion, thus must face the horrifying consequences that come with it. Playing her niece Cady is young Violet McGraw, with a performance that actually works well enough for a character going through grief and a longing need for loving warmth, even if the emotions she's going for feels rushed within transitions thanks to the movie's speedy pace. On the funnier side of the coin, Ronny Chieng played CEO Lin delightfully with a very short fuse, making him a very good source of some of this film's derided hilarity.

And, of course, who could forget our titular killer bot, M3GAN? Played by New Zealand child actress Amie Donald and voiced by Jenna Davis, the automaton doll is undoubtedly the film's biggest sell, a new slasher horror icon that boasts a whole lot of presence just from attitude alone. Beautiful yet creepy, and not to mention uncannily expressive, the thing is basically the pinnacle of what makes dolls unnerving, being somehow both real and fake at the same time, only M3GAN comes with a welcoming sense of her own absurdity and silliness via TikTok dance sessions and her chirping SIA's Titanium as a lullaby. Soon enough, doll would embrace her inner late-80s slasher villain and begin throwing out quips and deadly charms as she delightfully tears off a young bully's ear or chase someone around with the stabby part of a broken paper guillotine. Her killing spree do lack a sizable bodycount and gruesome gore, but it still works thanks to it finding the time to be absurdly entertaining through the build-up of each attack. (That, and there is an unrated version of the flick which added some more bloody chunks for the kills)

As you may have gathered, M3GAN (2023) is a popcorn film through and through. It's not effectively scary nor is it shocking, but it's aims to be fun and, frankly, it managed to be fun! I, for one, welcome our new robotic killer doll overlord and those who are nuts for cheesy B-flicks should consider, too!

Bodycount:

1 male and 1 female killed in vehicular accident

1 boy ran over by a car

1 female gets repeatedly doused with a chemical sprayer, dies from severe burns

1 male ran through with a paper guillotine blade

1 male gets a paper guillotine to the neck

Total: 6

Christmas is Terminated: Christmas Bloody Christmas (2022)

Christmas Bloody Christmas (2022)

Rating: ***1/2

Starring: Riley Dandy, Sam Delich and Jonah Ray

Do you see yourself as that one person who needs blood and carnage to balance out all the cutesy and saccharine sweet feel-good mushiness from sentimental holiday movies filling up your cable channels and streaming services every Winter season? Well, fortunately for your freaky arse, director Joe Begos of the scifi slasher Almost Human (2013) and bloody siege thriller VFW (2019) is bringing holiday fears with a good ole' slasher that's crass in class, proud to be loud and jolly to be bloody!

All Tori (Riley Dandy) wanted to do after working her Christmas Eve shift at a record store is score a good time with some dude she met at Tinder. But after finding out that the guy is married with kids and is living with his parents, she decided to ditch the lame shmuck and instead accepts her friend and colleague Robbie's (Sam Delich) invitation to hang out and paint the town red. After stopping by to visit some buddies working at a toy store and getting piss-assed drunk at a bar, the two soon made their way to Tori's house for steamy sex and obnoxiously loud conversations about each other's taste for records and horror sequels, unaware that a life-sized animatronic Santa called "RoboSanta+" suddenly have gone haywire and, channeling its inner circuitry as an intended military-grade killer robot, starts murdering off any people it comes across as it makes its way to end Tori.

One half killer Santa slasher, one half festive Terminator (1984) knock-off, Christmas Bloody Christmas (2022) has the makings to be an outrageous exploitation throwback breathing some variety to yet another axe-wielding Santa trope and it succeeds in this with its on-the-nose yet unapologetically manic execution, delivering a rather wild yet worthwhile B-grade holiday horror flick that's as entertaining as it is clunky at parts. 

The first thirty minutes can be a chore to sit through, being a crude hangout story following two adults acting like unsupervised teenagers with their hooting and hollering, drug snorting and beer guzzling. It is annoyingly immature, wearying and foul at its worst, as there's only so much swear-littered dialogue and grating blunderings one could take before the charm of it all is lost, but I will be lying if I didn't say I got some chuckles out of it (especially around their riled-up talk about horror sequels. Glad to see that mess Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2 (2000) still has its fans) and I have to give praises to the actors for doing a swell job delivering a genuine feel to their roles. Things eventually got better once RoboSanta+ finally lumbers their way to Tori's residence, stopping by and breaking into a neighboring house first for a grimly effective home invasion-cum-family massacre before forcing their way to Tori's and everyone gets an axe blow or two to places that definitely hurt.

The kills here are gloriously practical and rubbery yet gory, a lovely throwback to 70s and 80s slashers, much like the film's grainy visuals and candy-colored lightning, as well as its retrowave synth score. The killer robot Santa itself is a decent take on a popular holiday horror staple, bearing a passable explanation for its durability and strength, and too has thrown enough hints here and there as to why exactly it's splitting people in halves with an axe, but still leaving enough to the viewer's imagination regarding its specific interest on hunting down Tori. I do love the fact that it started out looking so much like your average Saint Nick with a murderous streak before gradually getting more and more damaged the further it struggles to end our final girl, revealing the flashy machinations inside it with some goofy but otherwise fitting make-up effects. 

And by struggle, I mean struggle! The final face-off is where the whole Terminator gig kicks in, running through the last third of the film and it's every way as harebrained as it is badass. It came to a point where our robot Santa is nothing but a metal endoskeleton with sparks and wires hanging out damaged and yet it still manages to be quite a challenge to put down as the menace survives every form of abuse Tori inflicts at it. This is where our lead turns from a screechy party girl to a gore-drenched heroine and I gotta say that the endless barrage of attacks from the mecha-maniac is only as good as the trappings and counter attacks its intended victim hurl back against it and this last act certainly delivers on that department, so long as you don't mind it dragging on a bit with all the robo fake-outs.

Without a doubt a slasher film for the undemanding, Christmas Bloody Christmas (2022) may suffer from a couple of clods in its writing, but as a straightforward bodycounter made to be entertainingly ridiculous and gruesomely bloody, I say it has done its best! If you get to switch off that big melon resting between your shoulders, feel free to see it as it can be a good watch. Just, maybe, prepare some booze and ready your finger towards the flashforward button... 

Bodycount:

1 male split in half with an axe

1 female repeatedly beaten against a glass counter

1 male gets a thrown axe to the back, head stomped

1 female hacked on the face with an axe

1 boy hacked with an axe

1 female had her neck broken

1 male killed offscreen with an axe

1 male had his head cleaved with an axe

1 male hacked on the head with an axe

1 male has his head blown off with a shotgun

1 male killed offcamera, mangled body hurled and seen

1 male shot on the head with a shotgun

Total: 12

Robokill Bloodbath: Mikadroid (1991)

Mikadroid (Japan, 1991) (AKA "Mikadoroido", "Mikadroid: Robokill Beneath Discoclub Layla") 

Rating: ***

Starring: Hiroshi Atsumi, Sandayû Dokumamushi and Yoriko Dôguchi

From Japanese film, theater production and distribution company Toho, which many of us would know best as the producer and distributor of kaiju and tokusatsu movies, comes this relatively interesting yet clumsy scifi horror flick about killer cyborgs and mutant soldiers.

Opening in 1945 Japan at the near end of World War II, we see an underground research bunker assigned to create armored super soldiers getting violently shut down under the orders of the Japanese army. When the scientist in charge of the project retaliates and gets shot for his defiance, he spends his last moments setting two test subjects free and activating Mikadroid, the only finished armored cyborg of the project. Allied bombers eventually rain down on Tokyo and the bunker gets destroyed, burying the lab and everyone in it. Years later, a disco club is now built over the bunker's remains, unbeknownst to its patrons that Mikadroid, pretty much still alive and functional, would reactivate one night due to the club's faulty generator and starts massacring anyone that happens to get in its way. 

The history behind Mikadroid (1991) is that it's originally a horror film titled Mikado Zombie, in which an undead WWII soldier rises from his grave to continue fighting the war by pretty much killing anybody on sight. The film was only in talks when Japanese serial child killer Tsutomu Miyazaki was caught and, thanks to the shmuck's massive collection of splatter films, horror movies went through a bit of a witch hunt and production for Mikado Zombie was put to halt. The concept was soon redeveloped with more scifi outings by replacing the zombie with a war android and the resulting product would become one of Toho's lower budget films made for the direct-to-video market.

The first half of Mikadroid practically shows the story's horror origins, with the cyborg returning back to life after decades of being buried, making its way to a disco club's parking garage and killing people left and right in a manner not unlike a maniac in a slasher flick. Teens get stalked and shot down with a submachine gun and/or hacked down with a sword, with one kill going a bit artsy by having a victim repeatedly slashed with a sword until their clothes get sliced away, leaving them bloody and swirling around like a naked ballerina before ending the scene with a darkly comic sight gag. The fact that these slayings are all done by a uniquely designed killer cyborg fittingly resembling a 1950s robot adds a welcome cheesy charm to the carnage, which is fortunately balanced out by the movie's atmospheric visual direction and creepy location choices.

After a while of people getting chopped and gunned down by a manic mechanical man, the film shifts gear into a slightly more action oriented second act once the two freed test subjects, both rendered ageless by the experiment, arrive armed to the teeth to stop Mikadroid after sensing its revival, in turn saving and tagging along a young repairman and a distressed clubgoer. This is where the movie hobbled in its run as while the gunfight between the mutated soldiers and the cyborg do boasts some energetic fun with all the pyrotechnics and the underground ruins set is pretty impressive in its details down to the giant tank machine left to crumble in dust, the pacing here often lacks momentum with some characters either just standing there amidst the gunfight or them spending a good chunk of time wandering around, looking for an escape. It also doesn't help that all of this leads to a lackluster finale that may have gone way better if it didn't went a tad too far on the random twists but, little mercies, it could have done worse.

For a movie made with relatively small budget, special-effects connoisseur-turned-director Tomoo Haraguchi put a lot of good work around the production's monetary restraints, mainly utilizing odd camera work and editing to emphasize the somber yet hammy tone of the film. At most, Mikadroid's serviceable special effects managed by Shinji Higuchi of the Heisei Gamera trilogy make up for most of the film's flaws, treating us with fair highlights of an impressive looking design for the Mikadroid, savage kills and explosive firefights against a killer bot. With the film's short running time of just 73 minutes, the acting is fair and decent for most parts though really isn't much to speak of in terms of character development, a point I'm fine with considering the net result is still a fun little guilty pleasure flick that delivers grue and gunfire. All in all, an underrated yet spiffy scifi horror tailor made for lovers of kitschy fiction.  

Bodycount:

1 male shot, bled to death

1 male shot dead with a submachine gun

3 males killed in bombing

1 male shot dead with a submachine gun

1 male shot dead with a submachine gun

1 female shot with a submachine gun, slashed with a sword

1 female slashed to death with a sword

1 male beaten to death against a water fountain

2 males shot death with a submachine gun

1 male succumbs to injuries from a gun fight

1 male stabbed though with a sword, caught in explosion

1 male destroyed in an explosion

Total: 15

Weasels, Sirens and Cage? Oh My!: Willy's Wonderland (2021)

Willy's Wonderland (2021)
Rating: ***1/2

Starring: Nicolas Cage, Emily Tosta, Beth Grant

Apparently, if you put Nicolas Cage inside a death house full of killers, he's not trapped in there with them. They're trapped in there with him.

 This is the case in Willy's Wonderland (2021), where Cage plays a lone, quiet and nameless drifter who sees himself driving through a set of road spikes "accidentally" left there. Just his luck, a tow truck happens to conveniently spot him and its driver, Jed, is willing to work on the ride if the drifter, apparently unable to pay for the new tires, is willing to work it off himself. So Jed calls in Tex Macadoo, the owner of the kid's pizzeria Willy's Wonderland and he has a proposition for the drifter; stay overnight to clean and fix the place up and the new tires are for free in the morning!

With a hand shake and a swift tour around the pizzeria, the drifter becomes "The Janitor" and off he goes to work. But things aren't all right around Willy's. Not when the animatronics gaze at him hungrily, their claws, teeth and weapons itching to shed blood, results of a Satanic ritual done years ago. So as night falls, the Janitor figures out (rather quickly) that he's in a rough night as the robotic menaces go after him, leaving him to fight back and spill some robot gore, all the while still cleaning up the place, taking hourly breaks for a soda and pinball game, and encounter some well meaning yet still doomed kids who decided to break in to, well, break him out.

Now, see, if you're looking for a horror movie that's rich in subtext and substance, then you're at the wrong pizza stop. Willy's Wonderland (2021) is seemingly made for two purposes; to be a bloody, cheesy, easy-going horror-comedy and to be a Nicolas Cage vehicle. There's really no deeper plot in here than Cage fighting off a gaggle of fuzzy robots and this can be easily seen with how shallow and bland most of the characters are, and too how quickly this film gets to the punching point. This said, it can get slightly tedious whenever the movie stops for a soda break and focus on the fleshy victims-to-be, only to be of slight interest when they go feed us some information to what's going on, though it's not something that elaborate or new altogether. (Basically, Willy's was founded by notorious killer Satanists and their murderous souls got transferred into the robots through a suicide pact in order to escape police and continue their killing spree beyond death, practically pulling a Child's Play (1987) gri-gri on us.) 

If you are, however, open for cheese, ham and Nic Cage shlock, then it's your birthday today because here at Willy's Wonderland, they have more than enough of those to feed your B-flick cravings. There's a strong sense of dark humor at play here and the ridiculousness of the premise just blends in perfectly with the direction and flow the movie goes by. The small army of  killer animatronics are a fun bunch by design, a little diverse in their range from talking animals to fantasy beings like sirens and knights, all tainted in grime and age which adds some uncanny creep factor. The kills are bloody at their best, may it be your typical human victims or, yes, even the possessed animatronics themselves! For those with a twisted fascination for robot "gorno", this film surprisingly finds a way to make decimating creepy kids place machines satisfyingly brutal with oil spilling like blood and metal parts crushed like bones!

And then there's the one and only Nicolas Cage, who doesn't utter an entire word in the film save for some groans and grunts. He more or less lets his fists and cleaning duties do the talking here, both being satisfying to watch, but the lack of dialogue on his part does make him too enigmatic for his own good, bordering into being questionable as there were moments where his help could have been appreciated but he chooses to ignore it, resulting to some deaths. Nevertheless, it adds to the weirdness and macabre of Willy's Wonderland and it does have Cage getting into the zone and jamming out to this film's best song while playing pinball so not a completely big dent to the movie's charm.

If you know what you're getting yourself into, then Willy's Wonderland (2021) is just the kind of junk food horror goodie bag you could ask for. Packed with creepy killer bots, an ass-kicking antihero and a gaggle lot of strangeness, find a good cozy spot in your Super Happy Fun Room and give this a good whirl!

Bodycount:

1 male dragged away, killed

1 female killed, blood splash seen

1 boy clawed (flashback)

1 male, 1 female and 1 girl killed offcamera (flashback)

6 males and 1 female seen dead from suicide, ingested tainted drink (flashback)

1 girl bearhugged to death (flashback)

1 male ran through with a sword

1 male mauled to death

1 male bitten to death

1 female mauled dead offcamera

1 male found disemboweled (flashback)

An entire family mentioned murdered 

1 female attacked, presumably killed (flashback)

2 females and 1 male seen murdered (flashback)

1 victim seen mauled (flashback)

1 female seen mauled (flashback)

1 male implied murdered (flashback)

2 males and 1 female implied murdered (flashback)

1 male decapitated with a sword (flashback)

1 male and 1 female had their necks snapped (flashback)

1 male had his neck snapped 

1 male crushed to death

1 female clawed in half 

2 males immolated in an exploding car

Total: 36+

Well, I'm 28 Years old now.

Two more years and I guess my real life starts? Welp, if that's the case, then I better binge all the cheese and B-Horror while I still can!

Hehe, yeah. Happy Birthday to me~

Evil Eye On The Fly: The Drone (2019)

The Drone (2019)
Rating: **1/2
Starring:  Sam Adegoke, Edgar Blackmon, Anita Briem

Tell me if you heard of this already: a serial killer gets hunted down by police, recites an incantation and ends up having their soul transferred to a toy. If you didn't say Child's Play (1987) then I question your validity as a horror fan as well as a visitor to this small slice of the web. Seriously, were you've been living under a rock with nothing but dung slugs for food and occasional company for those long lonely nights?

So, yeah, The Drone (2019) is another "haunted object" horror movie where unsuspecting people gets terrorized by unsuspecting everyday trinkets that's somehow resided by an unsuspecting paranormal evil. In this case, it is the soul of a voyeuristic serial killer known as The Violator who gets struck dead by a random lightning after reciting some presumably cursed binary codes as the SWAT corners him.

After making a quick kill out of one of the detectives, the now-possessed drone flies its way to newlyweds Chris and Rachel, played respectively by John Brotherton and Alex Essoe, and disguises itself as garbage dumped on top of the couple's trash bin. Chris sees the drone and quickly salvages it much to his delight, but Rachel isn't too keen on keeping a remote controlled cam-copter as toys that come with wireless joysticks trigger traumatic flashbacks involving a vehicular manslaughter caused by her RC car. Nevertheless, she soldiers on, hoping to keep the peace.

And as you would expect, nothing that savage for a good while; Chris goes working as a porn photographer while Rachel enjoys some "me time", blissfully unaware that their new toy's hovering around their house and neighborhood leering up women, recording private moments and setting up one of them as a voyeur. After finding their dog hanged by its leash and a hot neighbor killed by what appears to be tiny propeller blades, the two start piecing together a possibility that the recent mishaps and misfortunes are linked to their new drone, soon to be somehow proven when the gadget starts attacking them and, too, those that are in the way.

Presenting itself as a trying techno-thriller with a creative slasher curve, The Drone pretty much trails down your typical haunted object plot, with one character slowly realizing that something may not be quite right with a cursed object only for the rest of the cast refusing to acknowledge the claim until warm flesh hits the tiny fans. Seeing the focus here was more on building the absurd situation, the pacing is relatively slow and steady at first, but this is thankfully remedied by the film's expressively eccentric and fun casts, and too some odd-duck scenes including laughably cheesy horror tributes (I see one for The Exorcist III (1990) and ALIEN³ (1992)) and the drone getting very advanced upgrades to get its kill-zone on.

The third act is when most of the bloodier drone kills rear their cheap and ugly head out but, for what it is, they're in par with the B-grade style of plotting and direction this movie is going for and I would say I'm pleased at some point. The climax also pays off kindly for any slow starts and hammy misgiving, rewarding our patience with a dumb yet enjoyable final fight with the drone which, by then, ditched the silent stalker act for a more wise-cracking persona that had me chuckling for its worth, especially when it starts to act and feel like a genuine slasher villain.

Silly? Yes, and I'm not gonna deny its strongly feisty fromage neither. The Drone (2019) is the type of movie made for someone who can find simple joy out of the strangest things. Granted, the idea of a possessed toy isn't all that original seeing this movie even resorted to borrowing elements from other better titles out there which you could have been watching instead of this, but it has the exuberance to power through the cliched story and its strange choice of villain with all of the gusto it can muster and that is something I learn to admire from this little timewaster. It's not for everyone, but if you love something so bad it's good, give this freak a spin!

Bodycount:
1 female had her neck slashed offcamera
1 male had his throat slashed with a knife
1 male struck by supernatural lightning
1 male killed in car crash
1 male, 1 female and 1 boy killed in car crash (flashback)
1 dog hanged by its leash through a fence
1 female slashed to death offcamera with drone propellers
1 male slashed to death through the arse with drone propellers
1 male gets a powerdrill to the gut, brained against the table edge
2 males decapitated with drone propellers
1 male pushed and falls through a window, impaled on a pole
Total: 14

Rotten Bananas: The Banana Splits Movie (2019)

The Banana Splits Movie (2019)
Rating: ***1/2
Starring: Dani Kind, Finlay Wojtak-Hissong, Romeo Carere

Well, just when I thought slasher cinema couldn't get any weirder, here we have an officially licensed horror movie about mascot characters from an obscure 60s variety program created by Hanna-Barbera (as in Yogi Bear, The Flintstones, Scooby-Doo Hanna-Barbera) as murderous robots. Considering we got Harvey Birdman: Attorney at Law out there, I guess it shouldn't come as a surprise we're going Chopping Mall (1986) with The Banana Splits!

Set in a universe where The Banana Splits show is still on-going and well loved by many kids, young superfan Harley gets the chance to see a live recording of the program when his parents Beth and Mitch got tickets for five for his birthday. Tagging along Harley's sweet 19-year old brother Austin and a classmate named Zoey, the family soon drives to the Split's studio, unbeknownst to them that this is actually the last taping they're attending following the show's unexpected cancellation.

Unfortunately for all of those involved in the show, as well as Harley's family and pretty much the rest of the audience, the Splits aren't too happy with the cancellation and they decided to do everything they can to make sure the show must go on, including killing a few bad eggs and the occasional bystanders. And to make matters worse, these aren't just people in funny animal suits, they're animatronics. Walking, talking, life-sized, steel-strong and hardwired animatronics.

With an impassive yet silly approach on the subject, The Banana Splits Movie (2019) stands out as an odd ball of cheese and mire reminding us why mascot characters can be so darn creepy and what kind of horror show awaits us in the bizarre situation of them being Terminator-esque robots underneath all of them fluff and felt, all the while injecting family melodrama and themes concerning maturity for that little shred of character development that thankfully didn't get too hammy.

Structurally, The Banana Splits Movie (2019) is thin in story and formulaic at times, finding one reason to the next to split up our casts in a nearly-abandoned filming studio, just to dish out overly gory and torturous kills to the expected obnoxious types from cheating husbands and drunken actors to pushy stage dads and annoying men-children. Nevertheless, the overall direction, pace and atmosphere of the movie makes up for the plot holes and cliches, choosing to ignore vital story points like why exactly are the Splits robots or why nobody seems to deeply question this, for the sake of diving the movie down to pure exploitation territory rich with black humor, twisted grit and delicious practical gore that is begging to suspend disbelief and just be ridiculously dark. Thus, it doesn't feel overly serious despite the straight-faced acting and muted backdrops, nor are we to expect it will give the time of day to broaden its characters to more than two dimensions, so we more or less have a malarkey plot of killer robot mascots here and so long as they're braining people with hammers or setting them on fire, I'm quite fine with that.

Concept-wise, the film isn't overly scary but it does have its unsettling and distressing moments (them kids are gonna need years of therapy) and a fun set of fluffy villains that succeeds on being maliciously creepy. It is an overall fun B-grade slasher romp that utilizes its own absurdity, subverting childhood nostalgia into something sinister to great effect which we slasher fans can warmly welcome from a bonafide guilty pleasure! What else is there to say but The Banana Splits Movie (2019) is making up a mess of fun and it's bloody fun for (probably, mostly) everyone!

Bodycount:
1 male gets a prop lollipop shoved down his throat, crushing it apart
1 male chopped in half with a prop saw
1 male found beheaded
1 male had his back stabbed and pried open with a prop key
1 female bashed on the face with a mallet
1 male slashed with a metal claw
1 male found stabbed in the eyes with drumsticks
A number of victims found murdered and hoarded into a pile
1 male had his limbs torn off
1 male ran over with a buggy
Total: 9+

You Are My Buddi: Child's Play (2019)

Child's Play (2019)
Rating: ***1/2
Starring: Aubrey Plaza, Mark Hamill, Gabriel Bateman

When I first heard about the talks regarding a then-possible Child's Play reboot, you can bet your ass that I was among the plenty who found the idea problematic as not only is the original franchise still active, but I really doubt there's a high demand for a re-imagining. Then again, the last we saw of Chucky have the killer toy possessing not only three to four (count it, three to four!) Good Guy dolls at the same time through a voodoo spell he found at a website, but also the body of a paraplegic girl who he miraculously cured into walking. Yeah, hard to follow if yet gonna jump right into it without knowing what happened in the previous titles, so I guess a fresh take might not be such a bad idea...

In this reboot, a multinational electronics corporation known as Kaslan developed a self-learning AI doll known as Buddi, packed with features including audio and video recording, syncing with other Kaslan products and controlling them to fit their owners' needs, and move by themselves for maximum playtime. In other words, a robot servant with an animatronic face, one bad programming away from going haywire.

And as you would have it, on a dark and stormy night all the way at a Vietnam-based Buddi assembly factory, a disgruntled worker reprograms a random doll by removing all of its safety features as revenge for being fired and as a secretive last minute "fuck you" to the company before committing suicide.

Cut to Chicago some time later, young mom Karen Barclay and her 13 years old hearing-impaired son Andy just moved to the busy city neighborhood, with Karen working a frustrating retail job at a store selling Kaslan goods while Andy spends most of his days inside the apartments watching Youtube videos. Rightfully concerned about her son's lack of social skills and believing Andy's just exhausted from the move, Karen decided to gift him one day an early birthday present; a defective Buddi doll she got under the table. (My guess its the same one from the Vietnam sweatshop. I dunno why, perhaps something about its eyes mentioned glowing red...)

At first, Andy isn't quite keen on having his own Buddi doll coming from the fact that he is in his preteens and that the doll itself is pretty glitchy as it names itself Chucky, fails to follow a few simple orders and, more or less, just creepy. But as time flies by, Andy grew to like having Chucky around since his glitches left him capable of doing anything without much limitations like learning swear words and enjoy pranking jerks and creeps surrounding Andy's life. This soon caught the attention of local kids Falyn and Pugg, who eventually befriend Andy and all seems well.

That is until Chucky starts getting too attached to Andy, harming those who physically and emotionally hurt the boy to an increasingly worrying degree. When Karen's arse of a boyfriend got abusive during one visit, things quickly escalates to bloody ends and Andy is left face to face with the matter that his Buddi have gone psycho when it gifted him one morning the freshly flayed face of his mom's boyfriend. (Nailed on a melon for some reason)

What soon follows is your simple stroll down cheesy slasher bodycounting mixed with obsessive stalker horror as Chucky do away more and more people (and animals) who it deem unfit to be Andy's friend or family, a complete contrast to our OG Chucky's modus wherein the voodoo practicing serial killing doll murders for the reason that he simply can. This makes Buddi Chucky more empathetic and sympathetic for his misguided and eventually hate-fueled attempts to become Andy's one and only companion, a fresh take that thankfully kept the destructive, maniacal and fun cheesy horror of watching a tiny killer toy in action after taking its time building up a surprisingly adorable and genuinely warm relationship between Andy and Chucky.

From what I can tell, Child's Play (2019) works greatly thanks to the committed performances of its strong cast. Mark Hamill steps in as the voice behind this movie's Chucky and his take on the guy is just wonderful, may it be voicing the doll's joyful and often misconceived innocence or spiteful jealousy and anger. Gabriel Bateman as this film's more angsty preteen Andy hits the cards right as a child hero bottled with insecure frustrations for all the bad turns in his life so far, struggling to resolve as many on his own to the best of his abilities. These two are on screen the most and their relationship as unlikely friends to sudden AI monster-and-hapless victim is the glue that kept this movie interesting, a fact that I'm sure that would have fair better if it also took the time to build around other characters including Andy's mother (played by Aubrey Plaza with a young parent spunk) and her douchey boyfriend Shane, a neighboring detective with a sassy yet adorable elderly mother and, probably the most unfairly under-explored set of characters that I wanted to see more of, Andy's new friends Fayln and Pugg. (Especially Pugg. Pugg is funny awesome!)

Looking further into it, the story is predictable at best, echoing the hammy B-grade horror and silly entertainment of late 80s and early 90s scifi slashers like Chopping Mall (1986) and Ghost In The Machine (1993), but that didn't hinder Child's Play (2019) from making the best out of its AI-gone-evil direction, Buddi Chucky's very "uncanny valley" animatronic design and movements (which do warrant some time and patience getting used to. Especially the weird E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial (1982) influence to his design) an obvious product of this techno-horror route. Little to no horror was actually seen around the early bits of the plot, only hinting the downside behind the science of artificial life only when necessary for that effective foreshadowing and cathartic curveball before kicking it into full bloody bodycounting mode for all things grisly for the second half, peppered with some humorous Hitchcockian bits.

And for whatever it's worth, Child's Play (2019)'s murder set are gory, bloody and darkly funny at times, with the film's supermarket carnage of a climax probably standing out as one of this franchise's more exciting scene, utilizing the Buddi doll's feature to control other electronic goods to slice and dice shopping patrons before jogging back to your classic mano-a-monster finale. It might not be groundbreaking, but the film melds its now-charming-next-terrifying character relations with tech horror and slasher grue prodigiously well, and its polished production value and overall watchable talents make this reboot all that witty, messy and warmly welcomed as this year's decent cinematic surprises.

So if you're a wee bit concerned, don't be: Child's Play (2019) is its own monster and a great one at that. Count it as a spiritual companion piece to the original Chucky franchise if you may and just enjoy our new best Buddi at his best. And worst.

Bodycount:
1 male jumps to his death
1 cat found murdered
1 male had his scalp shredded off with a tiller, knifed to death
1 male bisected groin first through a table saw, leg cut off
1 female knifed on the chest
1 male knifed on the neck, throat further sliced through a drone's propeller
1 female seen slaughtered
1 male seen attacked by a toy bear
1 female seen attacked by a toy bear
1 male dragged away, killed by a toy bear
Total: 10

The Voorhees Uber-Massacre: Jason X (2001)

Jason X (2001)
Rating: ***
Starring: Kane Hodder, Lexa Doig, Jeff Geddis

As way to keep the franchise alive while Freddy vs Jason still wallowed around Development Hell, writer Todd Farmer pitched this idea/gimmick of having Jason rampage outside of Camp Crystal Lake, which was already attempted back at 1989 with the commercial flop Jason Takes Manhattan. However, unlike Take Manhattan, Jason made it to his destination AND wreck havoc there the right way.

Where is this location, you ask? Why none other than space!

In 2008, undead mass murderer Jason Voorhees was finally captured by the US government and spent two years as a guinea pig for those who were fascinated by his regenerative ability and apparent immortality after surviving multiple execution attempts since.

Seeing that the best option for now is to contain Jason until they can come up with a way to destroy him for good, scientist Rowan LaFontaine was about to put him in frozen stasis via cryogenics when the military types (including one played by body horror aficionado David Cronenberg) arrive and try to take the killer away in hopes of further researching his unique non-dying trait. 

Unfortunately for them, Jason escaped from his restraints and proceeds to nearly slaughter them all until Rowan successfully lured him into one of the cryogenic pods and trapped him inside, but not before the juggernaut ruptured it with his machete, in the process stabbing the scientist and freezing them both for 445 years.

Now in the future, Earth became too polluted to sustain life and a group of archaeology students is accompanied back to the now dead planet with their professor and gynoid for a field trip, eventually stumbling upon the preserved bodies of Rowan and Jason. Seeing one of them has a high chance of being revived by their technology while the other can be dissected for further studies, the students bring Rowan out of her cryogenic state and welcomes her to the future, blissfully unaware (but soon will realize in horror) that Jason has just woken up as well, ready to show his brand of mayhem to the the space age.

First of, I get it. I understand why many horror junkies are not as fond of this entry as I and a few others out there are and I believe it has something to do with the execution of the concept.

The idea of putting a horror franchise villain in space is mostly referenced as a joke concerning movie series and the fact that they'll just keep going to the point of desperation; this being said, Jason X often looks, sounds, and feels like a bad B-grade movie and, for all honesty, it is close to being one (complete with a nonsensical and hole-filled plot, average acting, and a trace of bad cheese that is everywhere considering how hard the movie was trying to sound hardcore and futuristic) if it wasn't for the considerate budget and production. If anything, this movie is the Friday the 13th franchise's shark-jumping and many horror fans can sense that.

But, seeing that we are being treated with Jason being in friggin space, perhaps that was the point; the series was never the same by the time they decided to bring Jason back to life ala Frankenstein's monster back at Part 6: Jason Lives and the films following it since were getting cheesier by the moment. This being said, yes it is nonsensical, but it has this comic book feel to the plotting and flow that its silliness can be entertaining and Jason X provides enough slasher theatrics and B-movie cheddar to keep a bodycounter happy.

The kills were barely CG assisted and they are plentiful here may it be on or off camera, this including a bunch of military men being mowed down at the beginning, an entire assault team being hunted down in a research ship, and even a space station being indirectly destroyed with Jason's massacre being the cause, all of them done in complete Voorhees fashion though it is kinda noticeable how stronger our slasher seems to be in this movie. (He sliced through metal more than once using nothing but a machete. A Machete!)

We are also treated with some fight sequences, most memorable being where Jason fights a grenade launching gynoid and momentarily loses to her after being blasted to bits. However, just like Jason Goes to Hell, losing a body isn't a big deal for him since he later comes back as a cyborg dubbed Uber-Jason after a rather convenient set-up. I have to say that while I'm not a big fan of his new mask in this form, the bulked-up and futuristic sleek look, along with his piercing red eyes, apparently doubled strength and durability makes this Jason menacing enough to strike more fear and awe, just a shame that this upgraded form is so overlooked and underrated among fans.

The rest of the characters are an odd bunch as they are a mix of your standard teenage victims and scifi action tropes such as the pompous authority, the ignored scientist, the badass militant, and even a death squad. Sadly, since the film is modeled after a standard slasher flick, they're as single-dimensional as they can with only a few standing out for better or worse, and their purpose are easily reduced to just futuristic lambs for the slaughter.

Paced with enough explosions, dodgy CG and a final shot that raises more fanboy questions, Jason X may fail as a horror film for the masses but it is what it is, and very underrated one at that. A space age slasher that's silly and bloody, made for the hardcore fans of its franchise and for B-flick enthusiasts, the only thing I recommend when viewing this is just switch down the brains and let the mindless campy spacey carnage take over!

Bodycount:
1 male murdered, method unknown
1 male beaten with a machine gun
1 male thrown into friendly fire
1 male had his neck broken with chains
1 male bludgeoned with a noose pole
1 male impaled through a thrown pole
1 male repeatedly beaten against a metal door
1 female had her head frozen with liquid nitrogen, face destroyed against counter
1 male ran through with a surgical knife
1 male had his back broken against a wall
1 male had his head bashed against a wall
1 male had his neck snapped
1 male falls and skewered through a giant drill
1 female found with a throat cut
1 male sliced in half with a surgical knife
1 female found impaled through a crane hook
1 male dismembered offcamera
60 soldiers die in an exploding space station
2 males die in an exploding space station
A number of people dies in an exploding space station
1 male dismembered offscreen with a machete, head later seen
1 male beaten against a control panel, electrocuted
1 female immolated in a crashed ship
1 male caught in an exploding ship haul
1 female sucked into space through a metal grate
1 virtual reality female beaten to death
1 virtual reality female bashed to a tree
1 male scorched through atmospheric re-entry
Total: 87+

Rise of The Machine: The Terminator (1984)

The Terminator (1984)

Rating: ****1/2

Starring:  Arnold Schwarzenegger, Linda Hamilton, Michael Biehn

Yeah, I know. The Terminator is not, I repeat, is not a slasher movie. It's hardly a horror movie to be honest, so calling this a slasher is a real stretch. So why then am I reviewing this film in a blog site dedicated in covering slasher movies and bodycount friendly thrillers, you ask? One word: influenced.

The 21st century turns out to be a post-apocalyptic wasteland where humans are nearly overruled by sentient machines. That is until one hero emerges, John Connor, starting a revolution against their mechanical overlords and waging a battle that appears to be going in favor of the humans. Hoping to stop this, the machines send back in time the Terminator, a highly advanced cyborg that is flesh on the outside, cold steel in the inside. Its mission is to assassinate the mother of John Connor, a simple waitress in 1984 named Sarah.

Fortunately, the humans use the same technology and send back their own soldier, Kyle Reese, to protect Sarah who by now is becoming well aware that someone - or something - is out to kill her. As the Terminator gets closer and closer in killing its primary target, it's up to Kyle and Sarah to survive its attacks and find a way to win a battle against an unstoppable machine.

Looking into the plot, The Terminator is really bare bone and follows classic chase movie tropes like Duel (1971) or Australia's Road Games (1981). To say the least, the entirety of the movie resembles the stalk-and-chase climaxes commonly found in most slasher movies released that year, only the killer here wields guns instead of hatchets. From POV shots and some scenes of it committing methodical killings, the villain itself is a scifi parody of indestructible maniacs in slashers, its mask is an entire fleshy coating and its sole purpose is to kill, taking hits upon hits as its targets fight back, only for the Terminator to get back up and attack anybody that gets in its way. A young Arnold Schwarzenegger plays this mean machine and, even if he had very little lines, his bulked build and unfeeling gaze made him a very intimidating presence to go against with.

Thankfully, director James Cameron knew how to handle such a unique monster and decided to show off his skills in doing good build-ups, explosive action scenes, and a direction loaded with pretty decent special effects. Before you know it, what we have is a very workable hybrid of an action/scifi movie with a few hints of the horrific, such as merciless home invasions and immortal villains. It even went for the melodramatics on us as we see Sarah's troubles on accepting the fact that she is going to mother a hero who will fight back a war that is definitely going to happen; we can relate to this in the sense of accepting a responsibility that we hardly saw coming and how much of our normal lives will be sacrificed to make it work. This is why Sarah Connor, played by Linda Hamilton, is such a powerful take on a Final Girl; while her transition may seem rushed, the ordeal is enough to let her know that she may not have much to say against it, but she will and must learn to fight back.

And fight back she and her protector did; as a survival film, The Terminator has some of the most thrilling set-pieces I've seen as adrenaline rushed car chases and lead-heavy shootouts peppered the screen whenever the big guy shows up. I love the synthesizer score used for these scenes in a way that it gives it a timeless feel as well as a nostalgic value.

So great characters, memorable villains, and stylish direction aside, perhaps another aspect of the film that was impressive was its special effects; for its time, the visuals concerning our robotic villain are just effective, mixing fluid stop-motion, animatronics and well designed make-up work. Every time our Terminator gets badly damaged, we see more of its inner metallic structure until the stalk-and-kill friendly climax where it finally revealed its pure robotic form, giving us a nightmarish visage with glowing red eyes and a persistence that cannot be reasoned with.

And to think all of this began after James Cameron dreamed of a robotic torso dragging itself to kill him with a knife; it's a scary image and this film captures not only the same sense of dread but also added a level of thrill and excitement that remains unbeaten by most action, scifi, and/or thriller films through out the years. Argue as you may whether The Terminator is a horror film or not, one can't go wrong with this classic.

This and its sequel, Judgement Day. But that is a story for another time...

Bodycount:

1 male blasted with a laser
1 male punched through the chest
1 male shot with a shotgun
1 female repeatedly shot on the head
1 female blasted to bits with a laser (flashback)
1 male killed in car crash (flashback)
1 female mentioned shot dead
1 male beaten to death
1 female shot dead
1 male shot with an automated rifle
1 female shot with an automated rifle

1 male shot with an automated rifle
1 male crushed against the wall with a car
17+ officers shot down during shootout
A number of civilians gunned down (flashback/dream)
1 female implied murdered
1 male beaten to death
1 male killed in pipe bomb explosion
Total: 33+

30th Century Golddiggers: Leprechaun 4: In Space (1996)

Leprechaun 4: In Space (1996)

Rating: *** 

Starring: Warwick Davis, Brent Jasmer, Jessica Collins 

There's a old saying that whenever a franchise goes long enough, there will come a point that they'll run out of ideas and just chuck the whole plot in space. Now this is usually a joke but there are a few movie series out there that thought this is a sell and did exactly just that. So far, I've seen three horror villains given this treatment; Jason Voorhees of Friday the 13th, Pinhead of Hellraiser and, in this review, the maniacal Leprechaun of, well, the Leprechaun franchise. 

Some time into the future, the pint-sized devil kidnaps and plans to marry a princess from an alien planet to make him an official royalty, thus granting him...a title, I guess. (What for, though? I'm sure his immortality and magical powers should have been enough to cover any world dominating scheme!) At first, the princess reasonably turns down this offer, but after being persuaded by the leprechaun's promises of gold and jewels, she eventually gives in to the idea. 

All of this is soon interrupted when a hired military mercenary group gets sent to rescue the princess and destroy the dangerous "alien". A laser gun fight soon breaks out and a grenade gets tossed, which the leprechaun heroically covers to save his future wife, blowing him to bits. Thinking they've won, they haul up with the princess and a few of the Leprechaun's gold, fly off to a ship that's being resided by a perverted geek and the professor in charge of the operation, who, by the way, resembles a bald German guy's torso implanted on a dalek from Dr. Who.

Of course, we know our bad guy's far from dead and the leprechaun magically regenerates himself from one of the marine's dick (don't ask) and wrecks all kind of havoc across the ship, searching for his princess and his gold.

Now, bear in mind, the Leprechaun franchise is never serious to begin with so please, do not ask why the Leprechaun is in space. Let's just say that he's so evil and demonic, he can out live us all and be greedy for all eternity; this being said, Leprechaun in Space (1996) is a B-movie slasher parody of many scifi conventions and movies like Aliens (1986) and Star Wars.

With its odious plotting, paper-thin characters, and terribly weak script, this sequel simply continues the same bad movie trashiness the prior three Leprechaun movies are known for, although I must admit this entry pushed it light years ahead of itself. This is more of a cartoon than a horror movie, a big joke in space under the vein of having a murderous snowman at the Bahamas ala Jack Frost 2: Attack of the Killer Mutant Snowman (2000), only this movie is a tad better as a slasher. That said, one of the fun part of Leprechaun in Space (1996) is that, from squashed faces to horrible mutation, some of its horror elements looks pretty impressive to say the least, which is saying something considering its budget looks shoestring tight.

The wit, however, is where the film falls flat; odd to say, the Leprechaun here is less whimsical and more of a straight-forward Freddy Krueger clone as he lost most of his rhyming talents and went ahead in speaking normally for once. This slight change does have its redeeming quality as he can be seen more in the same heights (not literally) of a real slasher villain, although this comes with the price of what makes the Leprechaun character so devilishly endearing in his prior a films. Not only that, but some of the exploitative elements, while simply played out for laughs, it didn't have the same kick one would get from a good B-grade film and pretty much feels just there. I put the blame on this movie's high camp factor, but whether this is a good or a bad thing is up to you.

None the less, I have fun; it's a dumb movie but it's the fun kind of dumb. The kind that gets shoved down a unicorn's bunghole while it's galloping, totally weird yet magical at the same time! It isn't for everyone, but a selective few that appreciates a shlocky silly movie just to have a good time will definitely enjoy the brainless effort that is Leprechaun In Space (1996)!

If not, then you are missing the point of this movie...

Bodycount:
1 male hacked to death with a light saber
1 male had his groin ripped open
1 male stripped to the bone by flesh-eating bacteria
1 male crushed by a falling metal crate
1 female falls to her death
1 male had his face flattened by a flying dish tray
1 male electrocuted
1 male frozen by liquid nitrogen, blown to bits
Total: 8

My sentiments exactly!