Double The Booking. Double The Hooking: Bone Lake (2024)

Bone Lake (2024)

Rating: ***

Starring: Alex Roe, Maddie Hasson, Marco Pigossi

When the first scene you see in a movie is a naked couple being chased through the woods by a shadowy figure brandishing a crossbow, hitting one victim through the balls in an unapologetic gratuitous shot, I think it'll be more than understandable to expect nothing but trashy horror in Bone Lake (2024). And, yes, the movie does lean on the sleazy side, but it's also playing a different kind of game. One that's going to test our character's will to commit, to trust, and to survive one night in the damn woods in one piece.

Former teacher and aspiring writer Diego (Marco Pigossi) is hoping to spend a (clothing optional) weekend in a rented lake house with his girlfriend, Sage (Maddie Hasson). Not long after just settling in (and doing each other on a bearskin rug), another more spirited couple, Will (Alex Roe) and Cin (Andra Nechita) show up ready to have their own happy weekend at the same cabin, but are a tad confused to find the house already occupied. It seems a booking screw-up have both couples scheduled to enjoy the forest-bound vacation home and with neither pair wanting to leave, they mutually agreed to spend the weekend together as new friends.

And as friends, the two couples share experiences, little secrets and tips for a spicy relationship, as well as engage in other fun times like sharing scary stories behind the lake's name, 'Bone Lake', which has less to do with the fact that it's a popular sex spot for lovers, and more on the fact that it's a dumping site for victims killed by a serial killer back at the 1950s. There are also the three suspicious rooms the house owner keep locked tickling the couples' curiosity, which they drunkenly proceed to open two, revealing a sex dungeon and a macabre room dedicated to the lake's dark history. What of the third room, though? Well...

As morning comes, trouble starts brewing; Will steals a wedding ring Diego was planning on proposing to Sage with and uses it to propose to Cin. It turns out the girl cheated on Will some time before and, out of desperation, he made the proposal as a way to keep her by his side. Diego, though outraged at first, somewhat understood Will's predicament as Sage also cheated on him early into their relationship, thus forgiving his new buddy so long as he does bring him back the ring before the weekend's end. 

This, unfortunately and unsurprisingly, does little to help with Diego's self-esteem as he fears he's not sexually satisfying enough after catching Sage pleasuring herself in a bathtub the day before, but it appears temptation is rearing its horny head for him as it looks like Cin's up to her old cheating tricks again, this time seducing Diego. To further complicate matters, Will is suddenly taking his shots on Sage, too, while driving to town together for groceries, promising her a good time that nobody else would ever know. 

Will the two take the bait? 

As you can tell by now, Bone Lake (2024) sets itself as a twisty erotic thriller highlighting the flaws of our main casts as both relatable figures and lovers, played with a B-grade tongue firmly pressed in a cheek and fair amount of steamy sex scenes. Yet, the film still finds the time to slow down and properly give our hapless pairs the time to grow as they share their vulnerabilities and insecurities behind their partners' backs, only to eventually face them when shit hits the fan and, by that, I mean the movie delivers a decent twist to what's really happening here, making way for a very backwoods slasher-inspired third act; chainsaws, crossbows, wise-cracking maniacs and all! Without a doubt, it takes a real long while before we do get to the splattery action, but by then insane motives and backstories were monologued, giving us a real demented and icky pair of psychos to terrorize our screens, and the movie does reward our patience with surprisingly decent stalk-and-stab sequences, visually enriched with awesome practical gore and some of the most satisfying kills to grace a forest-bound horror thriller.

Bone Lake (2024) may have the sweet and tangy coating of an inviting eye-candy exploitation and, in a lot of aspects, it is, the movie thankfully remembers to be fun with its horror thriller elements, playing us a genuinely intriguing situation of seductive temptations and moral reproach, then escalating the dangers from emotional and psychological to downright horrific and viscerally messy for our inner gorehounds! Its writing also fascinates the brooding situation without being overly titillating and prude, balancing the sexism and mystery along its well-rounded set of characters to both root for and be wary of, which is something I openly welcome if it means a real fun watch in-between all of the sleaze and slaughter. 

Delirious and debauched, Bone Lake (2024) promises outlandishly bunkum and a savage finale, just a good snatch to catch if you ever see yourself looking for something wilder and more bodacious from your typical horror thriller fix! 

Bodycount:

1 male repeatedly shot with a crossbow

1 female lands gut-first on a dead branch, killed offscreen with a crossbow

1 victim seen murdered, body being dragged and dumped into a lake (flashback)

1 victim mentioned murdered

1 male hacked on the head with an axe, lands face first on a chainsaw

1 female had her jaw whacked off with an axe and her hair caught on a boat propeller, dismembered

Total: 6

One Hell Of A Date Night: Heart Eyes (2025)

Heart Eyes (2025)

Rating: ****

Starring: Mason Gooding, Olivia Holt, Gigi Zumbado

Did you ever wish, as a slasher fanatic, those run-in-the-mill Hallmark rom-coms would get interrupted by an insane masked killer, chopping down one, two or, hell, maybe even an entire room of annoying characters just for the maniacal fun of it? Well, you lovable yet disturbed creature, set your heart for Heart Eyes (2025)!

For the past two years, a serial killer donning a mask with red cartoon hearts for eyes have been slaying couples every Valentines Day, terrorizing Boston, and then Philadelphia. For this year, the "Heart Eyes Killer" (Or HEK for short) picks Seattle as their next hunting ground, opening the scene with them attacking a hilariously botched, hashtag-worthy proposal at a vineyard, gorily snuffing out a photographer, a random worker, and the unfortunate couple. The media, of course, caught wind of the massacre, which reeks nothing but trouble for young advertising executive Ally (Lauren O’Hara), whose campaign for a jewelry brand includes commercials focusing on doomed couples such as Romeo and Juliet, Bonnie and Clyde, and Titanic (1997)'s Jack and Rose. 

The focus group is disgusted and outraged, calling the campaign exploitative. The company head is upset nobody told her about the masked loon brutally dispatching couples every Valentines for the last two years, thus making her look bad for approving the pitch. Both are practically out for Ally's head but, as luck would have it, she's instead given a chance to save her own arse and all she has to do is help out the new hire Jay (Mason Gooding), an in-demand concept master. Funny thing about this is that both Ally and Jay met earlier at a coffee shop, where the two not-flirt with one another with awkward banter and dad jokes. Now Jay is asking Ally to join him at a fancy restaurant later that night to discuss their plans on fixing the project, a suggestion that gets into Ally's skin as she's practically helping a guy who could easily replace her, not to mention that she's still reeling from a break-up, something not helped by her social media stalking her ex-boyfriend.

With Jay's attempts to make the smooth and suave dinner business talk work not doing too well against Ally's hard front, who sees his romantic act as a sham, the two eventually agrees to just head out for the night. That was until Ally spots her ex and his new girl heading to the same restaurant, thus mindlessly posturing a passionate kiss with Jay in an attempt to make her former beau jealous. A classic rom-com trope, for sure, one that caught the attention of a spying Heart Eyes Killer, mistaking it as a genuine act of love. For the rest of the night, hilarity ensues. As well as a rising bodycount.

You could say that Heart Eyes (2025) is the best of both worlds; as a slasher, it's brutally red with its murders and killer themselves are an awfully fun callback to gimmicky villains of the old golden days, the first few to come in mind being Ray from He Knows You're Alone (1980), who targets soon-to-wed women, and Harry Warden from My Bloody Valentine (1981), a murderous miner whose urban legend-esque presence terrorizes Valentines Days! Whenever the film decides to go down and bear its bloody teeth, it's played with a straight face as heads get the crossbow and groins get the machete, sidelined with good jump scares and a sweet deal of tight tension. And yet, it's never too hateful. Never too cynical and angry. It knows its assignment as a bloody good popcorn flick and you can pretty much tell this from the fact, again, our killer is wearing a mask with cartoon hearts for eyes and, yes, it all works swimmingly as a romantic comedy, too!

For a comedy to work, it's all about well-crafted jokes and enjoyable characters, and Heart Eyes (2025) has a fair share of both! As the Heart Eyes Killer themselves say, Ally and Jay have great chemistry thanks to O'Hara's and Gooding's stellar performances as the traditional rom-com couple: antagonistic at first, chummy at the halfway point, one chasing down the other at a crowded airport to confess their feelings by the end of it. Or at least around the climax. Though written as satires of chick flick lead couples, the two are given enough wit and wry in their personalities to make enough jokes and odd reactions land on a hilarious mark, the best gag being a running one where the couple keep failing to convince anyone that they're simply friends, killer included! The comedic timing simply feels as natural as the tender moments shared between Ally and Jay, which thankfully the film occasionally slows down for just to give the endangered duo, as well as the audience, a breather to soak in the situation, just be casual and real with one another through gentle heart-to-hearts. It's hammy, but it's a welcoming sweet kind of jovial ham, one that balances out nicely with a chunky kill count piled up by a serial killer's cat-and-mouse game.

If there's anything that is a bit of a letdown, it'll be the reveal of who's behind the Heart Eyes mask; after a romantic, comedic and horrific hide-and-prowl between Heart Eyes and the two lovebirds around a Valentines drive-in, the movie strolls into a rather pedestrian final encounter with the holiday serial killer, whose identity and twist fail to be anywhere as remarkable as it's implying to be. The culprit is partially obvious and their reason for the slayings simply boils down to they do it because they could, and it's fun for them. Still, lackluster unmasking aside, there's enough bloody splatter and a little good brawl in this finale, ending on a time skip, a cheeky sweet gesture and a funny mid-credit scene!

Heart Eyes (2025) is described by some as a 'date movie slasher' and it lives up good on that claim! Its humor focuses more on being cute, its violence is satisfyingly sharp in its edges, an entertaining melting pot of mixed goodies for slasher fans and their dates! 

Bodycount:

1 male stabbed through the eye with a machete

1 male shot on the head with a crossbow

1 male gets a throwing dagger to the face

1 female crushed to death inside a pneumatic press

1 male shot on the head with a crossbow

1 female skewered with a flagpole

1 male had his groin split with a machete, slashed

1 male stabbed with a machete

1 male stabbed in the mouth with a tire iron

1 female impaled through the mouth with a tire iron

1 male slashed across the throat with a machete 

1 male gets a throwing dagger to the back, hacked with a machete

1 female hacked down with a machete

1 male stabbed through with a machete

1 female pushed neck first through a concrete sword, head torn off

1 male shot death with a crossbow

Total: 16

Blood-Splattered Saw Dust: The Carpenter (1988)

The Carpenter (Canada, 1988)

Rating: ***

Starring: Wings Hauser, Lynne Adams, Pierre Lenoir

Canada in the 80s pretty much gave us a good deal of golden age slasher cult classics like My Bloody Valentine (1981), Happy Birthday To Me (1981) and Prom Night (1980), but the country also brought upon a platter of weird ventures within the sub-genre such as the Dungeons and Dragons is Satanic-inspired Skullduggery (1983), the "Wendigo psychosis" leaning Ghostkeeper (1983) and this oddly surreal melodramatic bodycounter, The Carpenter (1988).  

The movie starts with the chillingly calm mental and emotional breakdown of housewife Alice Jarrett (Lynne Adams), who soon sees herself being taken away to a mental facility after her husband Martin (Pierre Lenoir) finds her cutting up one of his suits one day. Upon her release, Martin believes that a change of scenery is in order so he bought them a house at a countryside that's currently being worked on by a cheap and rowdy construction crew. That night, though, after the workers gone home, Alice is awakened by a lone carpenter (Wings Hauser) still busying himself down in the basement and the two have an unusually cordial conversation about his work, ending with Alice pretty much just leaving the guy to do whatever he needs to fix up the place.

Things go pretty hairy when Martin leaves for work one day, leaving Alice all on her lonesome when one of the crewmen got more than a tad tipsy drunk that evening and breaks into the house to assault her. Fortunately for our housewife in distress, her friendly neighborhood carpenter is there to protect her. Unfortunately for our would-be rapist, said protection involves getting both of his arms sliced off with a circular saw. (Not that he minds, apparently. He looked more bewilderedly inconvenienced about losing those limbs than, I dunno, in complete, horrifying pain!) 

Alice would soon learn that the house once belonged to a man named Edward Byrd who fell into massive debt in his obsession of making his home perfect, only to be executed after killing several of the repo men sent after him. Edward now haunts the house, still trying to finish it, and Alice is shockingly okay with this! So much so that when Ed starts murdering away more and more of the crewmen who he sees doing wrong to both the house and its new lovely owner, Alice has no qualms of him massacring these people and, in one scene, appears to be more upset at that fact that he's awfully messy with the slayings! 

Needless to say, Alice is swooned by Ed's pleasantly hunky demeanor and good work ethics, overlooking the whole homicidal lunacy that goes with the package, and the ghostly carpenter himself returns her infatuation, promising more bloodshed to whoever comes between them. 

Directed by David Wellington (who would later do a lot of TV work like Vikings and Orphan Black) and written by Doug Taylor (of Splice (2009) and A Christmas Horror Story (2015)), The Carpenter (1988) is a strange piece of 80s Canuxploitation bodycounter that builds itself more around the ghostly theatrics between Lynne Adam's mentally troubled spouse and Wing Hauser's unhinged gentleman of a paranormal handyman, only to juxtapose to the nasty killings here and there in an unusual dream-like direction. The result is often goofy as the supernatural psychodrama doesn't really have the solid footing to be as captivating as the unhealthy growing romance between the living and the undead implies here. Instead, it all comes out more hammy for how it is scripted, acted and edited, all sided with touches of eccentricities like the overuse of dissolves to transition from scene to scene or Alice's overly offbeat reactions, implying a form of crazed whimsy from her point of view. It's serviceable so long as you find the unintentional hilarity of the film's nutty arthouse aesthetic and as a slasher, The Carpenter (1988) ain't too bad.

The kills themselves aren't that loud and splashy (strange coming from a film that have power tools for murder weapons, honestly) and the pacing really do takes its time getting around to them, but I have to commend at just how odd the interactions are during and after each murder between Alice and Ed, as if the act of killing is just something the two can do and witness while talking about how good the weather is! It also helps that Wings Hauser is practically tailor-made for his role as the titular carpenter, doing the ole' wisecracking villain trope popularized by one Elm Street's Fred Krueger, only with a good dose of Southern politeness and neighborly sweetness that made a lot of his scenes an intriguing watch. His delivery is spot-on to the craziness of the villain, maniacally dispatching one poor soul a minute, being shy about it in the next. The movie did falter a little in its last act as all the oddities made about Alice being so nonchalant with all of the bloodshed gets discarded way too easily for a by-the-book horror finale, making the fantastical, rather upbeat turn of events feel kinda undeserved for how much it just came out of left field. 

Still, the majority of the product has some hokey charm to it, making The Carpenter (1988) a decent enough title for lovers of quirky horror and obscure slashers to try out. It's a sublime blend of several moods and ideas, mostly succeeding in its own curious yet entertaining way.

Bodycount:

1 male had his arms cut off with a circular saw, killed

1 male gets a belt sander to the face

1 male powerdrilled to the throat

1 female shot to death with a nail gun

1 male pinned to the floor with screwdrivers to the hands, head crushed with a vise

Total: 5

Backwoods Wedding Bash and Slash: Jemputan Ke Neraka (2023)

Jemputan Ke Neraka (Malaysia, 2023)
Rating: ***
Starring: Janna Nick, Sharifah Sakinah, Hafreez Adam

A whodunnit outing from Malaysia, Jemputan Ke Neraka (2023) sets itself as a classic murder mystery bodycounter as soon-to-be married couple Ivy (Janna Nick) and Norman (Hafreez Adam) find themselves invited to the wedding of one of Ivy's college buddies, Lisa (Jasper Supayah). The event is to take place at a bungalow right in the middle of the woods, though upon reaching the venue, the two find very little activity going on save from another set of couples. Sofea (Amy Nur Tinie) and her partner, Fiq (Hariz Hamdan). Rania (Sharifah Sakinah) and her boyfriend, Adam (Nick Syaf). People Norman knew from high school and is rather noticeably uneasy to be around with.

The group eventually decided to look around and find the lady of the hour, all the while helping themselves to the fresh catering inside the house, but this is when they discover the horror of their little situation: fresh fingers in the stew and Lisa found stabbed to death, body hung from a makeshift noose. As the guests try to escape, Sofea is caught by a figure cloaked in black in the midst of the chaos and gets thrown off a floor, knocking her unconscious. Worse even is that the cars got tampered and, as any backwoods murder grounds normally do, there's no cell reception. Oh, and rain. Rain started to pour.

Forced to stay inside the house with a potential killer lurking around, the group devolves into guilty parties as a dark past starts to catch up on them and grim secrets are revealed, all of which involving a girl named Salina (Wafariena Roslan) who Lisa horribly bullied to the brink of committing suicide. 

For nearly an hour, Jemputan Ke Neraka (2023) took the time to build upon its characters and the predicament they're in, as well as tease in the details of the bullying bit by bit until we get the full picture of the torment when one of the characters finally spill the beans through a dramatic telling. Character dynamics are tested and shifted, red herrings are thrown in, it's a pretty standard murder mystery romp until more of the guests start walking in stabbed in the gut or gets attacked offscreen, culminating to some fair shots of stalk-and-stab action as the black cloaked figure begins to creep around the bungalow, pruning knife at hand, looking for victims to snuff.

To be truthful, the identity of the killer isn't too hard to figure out once the bullying story gets brought up, but what's intriguing here is whether the details of the bullying story is truthfully told or not; just when you thought you got the whole bulk of the events figured out, the film pulls another twist or two which gradually makes the incidents leading to the suicide far worse and, by that point, you kinda feel bad for the killer and maybe even root for them in their grudge-fueled killing spree. This being a PG-13 production, the murders are never gory, only bloody, and they're sometimes edited with cheesy slow-mo effects and fade outs. It even gets a bit cheesy at one point when, during the climax, we get a sappy song playing while our killer goes knife-frenzy on a fella and another wounded victim hobbles into the woods to hide, all the while the horrors of the bullying flashes in dramatic fashion.

The last few moments of Jemputan Ke Neraka (2023) concludes with even more twists, a satisfying set of last kills and a bittersweet end for all involved in the bungalow massacre, making this film a surprisingly decent watch despite its moderate production quality and so-so amount of carnal violence. The plotting and direction have their focus more on creating an engaging mystery and I'm glad to say this one fairly delivers, overlooking a few acting and plot twists that leaned heavily on the hammy side, of course. So if you feel like catching a good old-fashioned whodunnit with a Malay twist, then this one is an adequate choice! 

Bodycount:

1 male stabbed with a pruning knife

1 female found murdered and hanging from a noose

1 girl found hanged (flashback)

1 male stabbed in the gut

1 female had her throat cut with a pruning knife

1 male stabbed to death with a pruning knife

1 male slashed and stabbed with a pruning knife

1 female stabbed with a pruning knife

Total: 8

The Hooked Horror of Valentines Day: Lovers Lane (1999)

Lovers Lane (1999) (AKA "I'm Still Waiting For You")

Rating: **1/2

Starring: Diedre Kilgore, Carter Roy and Brian Allemand

When Wes Craven's Scream (1996) revitalized the slasher craze for a whole new generation of horror fans to enjoy back in the late 90s, it's not far off that the straight-to-video market would cash in to the success and have these considerably less-funded and roughly polished productions grace our video players and small screen tubes with sometimes-competent-sometimes-not video titles such as this rare teen holiday horror, Lovers Lane (1999).

Opening "thirteen years ago" with a take on a well-known urban legend, we watch a horny couple at the titular make-out doing all sorts of risqué canoodling before they're suddenly terrorized by a maniac armed with a hook. The kids soon escape from their tormentor to raise the alarm, but not before discovering to their horror that the two occupants of another nearby car have also fallen victim to the hook-handed menace. 

Flash forward to the present, we now learn that the slaughtered couple were involved in a secret affair behind their spouses' backs, with the woman being the sheriff's wife and the man being the husband of the high school's current principal. A suspect was apprehended that night of the hook murders and, over the years, has been under the watchful eye of the town's psychiatrist, who just happens to be the sheriff's half-brother. The sheriff's daughter, Mandy, was also present at the time they found her mother's mangled corpse and has grown up to be the quite geeky kid that everyone picks on, especially her own half-cousin Chloe, the school's Queen bee-type who's dating the principal's son, Michael. And with it being Valentines Day, Chloe's clique plans a little party at lover's lane and Mandy finds herself roped into the gig when one of the friends got desperate for a date.   

Unbeknownst to these gaggle of youths, the hook-handed killer broke out of an asylum earlier that day (apparently he hated prison food?) and has now made his way back to the make-out point to stalk and slaughter some more teens. After seeing one of their own get murdered in front of them, the gang ends up fleeing to an abandoned farmhouse where the killer proceeds to stalk them one by one, all the while the sheriff and the principal, despite awkwardly knowing that their former spouses were having a go at one another, decided to work together to find and stop the maniac after learning about his escape. 

On one end, Lovers Lane (1999) isn't exactly what you call quality cinema as there's a considerable stint on its budget in terms of lighting and special effects. More often you'll find yourself squinting at some dimly lit scenes to make sense of what you're looking at or who's getting hooked to death, plus a good dose of the kill count is made up of offscreen murders in which bodies are simply found slaughtered. A few characters also fail to be as interesting and important as they're intended to be, sometimes coming off as annoying or ridiculously inept to the point you'd wonder if these certain individuals would get the fatal end of the hook and be disappointed when some of them lived to see the morning after the carnage.

Still, I can attest that there's some fun to be found in this late 90s bodycounter as Lovers Lane (1999) simply embraces the clichés of a slasher plot wholeheartedly and treats us with a back-to-basics dead teenager film. Most of the teen casts are a fun watch with their cheesy high school dramatics and hammy dialogues, with one pre-Scary Movie (2000) Anna Farris appearing as one of Chloe's clique girls who spent the entire film wearing a cheerleader outfit and got snuffed out in the gnarliest way one could with a hook. The third act in the farmhouse has some nice thrilling scenes going for it when the killer starts prowling the place and relentlessly pursue their victims. I could also applaud this film for dishing out one of the better twist reveals I've seen in a slasher, especially when the build-up getting there is as convoluted as this one wherein things like incest and revenge gets thrown in.

Yes, Lovers Lane (1999) is far from a rough hidden gem, but it could worth one's time if you're into bad slashers with a big heart to entertain!

Bodycount:

1 male and 1 female found slaughtered with a hook

1 male found murdered

1 male seen murdered with a hook

1 male hacked to death with a hook

1 male found slaughtered with a hook

1 male hacked with a hook

1 female gets a hook to the groin

1 male knifed to death

1 female hit with a car

1 male and 1 female found murdered

1 female had her throat slashed with a hook

1 male repeatedly shot, hook to the back

Total: 14

The Whole is Greater Than the Sum of its Parts: Himeanole (2016)

Himeanole (2016, Japan)

Rating: ****

Starring: Gô Morita, Gaku Hamada and Aimi Satsukawa

Awkward and hilarious, disturbing and depressing. Yep, not your typical love story...

Starting up pretty light, we follow an uninspired assistant cleaner Okada (Gaku Hamada) as he discovers that his older co-worker Ando (Tsuyoshi Muro) is deeply infatuated with Yuka (Aimi Satsukawa), a waitress working at a nearby coffee shop. Ando, being the awkward person that he is inside and out, finds it hard building up the courage to tell Yuka how he feels, so he ropes in Okada to help him ease the way to her heart and the two soon learn that the waitress is having a spot of trouble dealing with a stalker. The two guys help Yuka avoid the creep, they became friends and things seem to be heading for the better despite Ando's ulterior motives to win Yuka's heart.

And then Yuka feel in love with Okada. Which the boy did not saw coming but welcomes either way. Not wanting to shatter Ando's fragile state of mind and emotion (and due to threats of being chainsawed to death), however, the young couple decided to date in secret, not knowing that the stalker they were avoiding all this time may have been closer than they imagined and it's only a matter of time before the freak finally loses it...

Curiously, all of this is just the first half of the movie and it is around this time that Himeanole (2016) fittingly opted to play it's credits, making way to the rawer meat and bone of the story. (Yeah, Friday the 13th (2009) has a contender for the longest opening act!) Shifting most of the focus away from Okada, Yuka and Ando, the second half follows the disturbed exploits of one Morita (Gô Morita), Okada's former high school classmate and Yuka's stalker, as he's forced to murder some of the people he's blackmailing after they attacked him in his apartment and then setting everything on fire to hide the evidence. Now wondering aimlessly in the city, Morita stalks, rapes and murders his way into houses, plays pachinko (Japanese arcade machines) for potential earnings and suffer from various flashbacks detailing the bullying he endured during high school which led to his current murderous and monstrous state.

As more people fall victim to Morita's unrelenting brutality and depravity, the closer he gets to reaching both Yuka and Okada, the two people he's aiming to end the most.

Based on the manga Hime-anole by Minoru Furuya, Himeanole (2016) is a weird yet fascinating craft that offers a palette of tone and emotions, navigating from the silly and awkward, to the devious and vile. It toyed with expectations by initially making itself look like an observational comedy drama about two weirdos trying to win the heart of a cute dream girl, a situational gag wherein our trio grows to be likable individuals despite their flaws and oddities, only for it all to twisted into a dark and emotional backlash of betrayals, murders and rapes stemming from a damaged man's trauma and abuse, all of it senseless and shocking.

What works to the film's advantage is its wonderful set of casts playing their roles effectively; Hamada and Tsuyoshi make an odd pair of friends, but both don their characters with a good balance of charm and sympathy that the friendship is endearing in their chemistry despite the troubles they're inadvertently causing to one another. Aimi Satsukawa does a well enough job to be the sweet cute girl any guy would want, which made it easy for us to understand why Ando fell hard for her to begin with. And, of course, we got Gô Morita as, well, Morita, probably the most memorable slice of talent in this number as he played his card as a disturbed serial killer and rapist with a frighteningly realistic angle, so much so that it's awfully conflicting to feel sorry for him even when the story decided to give us flashbacks explaining why he ended up so deep into the muck. All I got to say is when Himeanole (2016) became a horror film, Gô Morita owned it!

Production values of the film is great for most parts; the wide array of scoring branches from the whimsy to the haunting befitting the two faced-tone of the story. Camera work also found a way to play with the shift as it starts out static and focused at the mostly innocent first half to emphasize its calmness before gradually devolving into shaky, hand-held cinematography to show how out of control the second part has become. The minimal use of CG on the killings, too, gave the murders a more savage note, adding further horror to the already nightmarish crime spree. The rapes, thankfully, are toned down to offscreen assaults, though there is that matter of "less is more" being used here as the acts building up to the sexual violence have enough grit and intensity to them that the implications are just as horrifying.

Honestly, Himeanole (2016) is plenty of things; a real test of patience and gut, a say on bullying and guilt, a tour de force on unorthodox direction, all of these despite shuffling about some of the usual horror pitfalls like useless law enforcers and questionable character choices. I strongly recommend this for those who are more adventurous with their horror selections, those seeing to outdo themselves from the usual paint-by-number scares and bloodletting, looking for a real hidden gem to satisfy that urge!

Bodycount:

1 male killed offscreen, implied beaten with a baseball bat and strangled to death

1 male stabbed in the neck with a pen, brained with a steel pipe

1 female beaten to death with a steel pipe

3 victims mentioned killed in a burning building

1 female murdered offscreen

1 female found strangled to death with a power chord

1 male knifed to death

1 male had a knife pushed into his chest

1 male shot to death

1 male repeatedly knifed, had his head ran over with a van

Total: 12

Bed, Breakfast, Bodies All Over: The Rental (2020)

The Rental (2020)

Rating: ***

Starring: Dan Stevens, Alison Brie and Sheila Vand

Character drama? Paranoid thriller? Backwoods slasher? Why not all three?

A planned weekend getaway have Charlie, his wife Michelle, his ex-convict brother Josh and Josh's girlfriend Mina renting a beautiful remote oceanside house from its caretaker, Taylor, to celebrate a professional breakthrough and it's mostly nothing but good times of long strolls down at a beach, getting drunk that night while stargazing and hitting up on ecstasy.

The stay becomes a lot more troubling, however, when Mina and Charlie got a tad too intimate with one another behind their partners' backs and ended up having sex. Much to their horror later that morning, while Josh and Michelle are out on a friendly hike around the woods, Mina and Charlie discover hidden cameras in the house which likely have recorded that night's steamy affair. Believing the house's caretaker have been spying on them, the two decided to keep this on the low for the moment until they figure out what to do, which gets intensely complicated further when Michelle calls in Taylor to fix a broken hot tub.

From there, death and misfortune follow as our hapless couples as an argument leads to Taylor getting beaten down to an inch of his life, all the meantime Mina and Charlie do their best to keep their little secret away from their partners, completely unaware of the true nature of their situation and how, by the end of it, none of them may be even be alive to see daybreak...

A directorial debut of 21 Jump Street (2012) actor Dave Franco, The Rental (2020) sees itself largely as a mumblecore thriller first and a slasher second, spending a sizeable chunk of the story focusing on its paranoia aspect as infidelity gets threatened to be exposed and we see the lengths that some people would go to keep it in the shadows. A solid round of talents made this an engrossing watch as actors Dan Stevens, Alison Brie, Sheila Vand and Jeremy Allen White play their roles as four dysfunctional adults with a decent light of realism and sympathy, thus resulting to a rather riveting character study within shattering relationships that would eventually escalates to something dire and chaotic.

The film's transition to horror is admittedly fluid, though the difference in tone is noticeable; while the movie is mostly grounded in practicality, a play on Hitchcockian themes as four ordinary people suddenly find themselves responsible for an arresting crime, it suddenly threw a curveball at us by evolving into what is practically a slasher film wherein the killer continues to pit our casts against one another before going for the kill, all the while our hapless victims continue to do their best to keep the affair hidden. The focus in this development can gets muddled at times as the plot kinda went all over here and the murders are hardly creative, though I will say that creep factor went on full effect here and the killer at least earn some points for their creepy get-up and their interestingly chilling modus operandi of their little set. It's a neat little surprise that delivers some cheeky, tropey horror fun, all the while still building up a strong sense of tension as the plot proceeds.

All in all, The Rental (2020) benefits from a mostly clever writing of naturalistic scenes and a slick production value, starting out as a pressure-cooker story that switches to a backwoods horror type with a bit of flair and trope. It certainly could have done more around the slasher elements, but there's a sense of clarity in the plot overall and its beautifully shot from beginning to end. There's definitely a bit of tameness in this flick, but if you don't mind a bit of modesty in your horror flicks, then this is an okay title to seek and enjoy.

Bodycount:

1 male smothered to death

1 female found murdered

1 male brained to death with a hammer

1 male gets a hammer claw to the head

1 female falls off a cliff

Total: 5

Heart Break Breakdown: The Seduction (1982)

The Seduction (1982)

Rating: **

Starring: Morgan Fairchild, Michael Sarrazin and Vince Edwards

Obsessed voyeurs. Damsel news reporters. In a film directed by David Schmoeller of Tourist Trap (1979), Crawlspace (1986) and Puppet Master (1989) fame, cheese is going to be a thing in this so-called "erotic thriller", isn't it?

Morgan Fairchild leads as news anchor Jamie Douglas who becomes the obsession of her next door neighbor/stalker Derek, seen early in the movie spying on Jamie's nudie pool time with his camera. Suffering from erotomania, Derek believes Jamie is in love with him, thus prompting the creep to push his way into his neighbor's life more and more as days go by, escalating from creepy phone calls and sneaking into her house to take pictures of her, to stalking her in a mall and getting into brawls with Jamie's boyfriend Brandon.

Reporting to the incidents to the cops, Jamie is distraught to find out that they couldn't do much unless Derek commits a more serious crime, thus forcing our victim to eventually take matters to her own hands when the creep soon goes full murderer on her.

From what I can gather, The Seduction (1982) tries to feel like a sleazed-up Hitchcockian affair with stalker thrills and creeper chills being the main horrors Fairchild's character has to suffer through in a slow burn pace until the eventual climax wherein she turns the tables on her unhinged predator. It would have been a swell trail down your usual psycho-drama route but behind the glossy high-art production look is an execution that lacks a considerable punch, a linear story that hardly approached any new angles or taken any ingenious directions to set itself apart from any other low-brow stalker exploitation piece.

As majority of the plot is told through Jamie's perspective, Fairchild did try her best to sell her character through some solid acting and presence, but the thin characterization and hammed-up scripting, as well as the plentiful prolonged scenes of her being hot and naked while sleazily showering, bathing and/or swimming left her as shallowly memorable as an eye candy piece can get. The same can be said for Derek's actor Andrew Stevens whose psychotic character is a missed opportunity to explore, teasing us with a level of depth and intrigue as impotency and smitten co-workers were hinted in the story but it was all forgotten in favor of cheapening the villain with cliched bad guy movie psychology often used as a quick explanation regarding the mental illnesses. As in, he's evil because he's a few screw loose on the head and that's it.

It also doesn't help that for a thriller, a good amount of The Seduction's plotting seems a tad too easy to be considered intense or shocking as not only Derek easily finds opportunities to mess around with Jamie over and over again, but he suffers so very little consequences from doing them that it's no surprise he's not giving up. There's no strong conflict under the creeper's part so the horrors of the stalking is spoon-fed too much that it does make everything before the final act a bit tiring and redundant to sit through. 

Fortunately, when the movie remembers to pick up, it does so with an appreciated cheesy gut as Jamie, who opposes fire arms as a character trait, brandishes a shotgun to chase, stalk and kill Derek after one too many stalking incidents finally breaks her. It's the kind of wild and trashy entertainment that sort of made the whole wait worth it, earning a couple of chuckles for how outrageous it is, and too some cheers as the film finally embraced the exploitative potential of its story. 

All in all, The Seduction (1982) is a clumsy thriller that tries to aim high as a mature piece of work, only to be somehow saved from being a complete misfired glut thanks to its gaudier set-pieces. Not exactly a recommendable type, but if you fancy yourself a completist of 80s horror, or you just wanna see Morgan Fairchild get sudsy in a bathtub, then by all means check this out and hopefully you might like it. Hopefully.

Bodycount:

1 male gets a knife thrown to his back

1 male shot on the gut with a shotgun

Total: 2

T'was a Naked Scream Queen Christmas: Santa Claws (1996)

Santa Claws (1996)
Rating: **

Starring: Debbie Rochon, Grant Kramer and John Mowod

While many of us remember John A. Russo as the writer behind Night of The Living Dead (1968)'s screenplay, those skittering about the lower, lower depths of the horror trash bin would also remember him for directing one of the many horror stinkers to exist, Santa Claws (1996).

As a child, Wayne never got over his father's death and hates just about anybody who would try to take his place. So when he finds his mother and uncle canoodling one Christmas night, the boy lost it, picked up his uncle's handgun and emptied it on the two adults.

Flashforward to the present, scream queen Raven Quinn is in the midst of a troubled marriage when she agreed to star in a shlocky softcore horror feature, "Scream Queen Christmas". Her in-laws disapprove of this and her husband is out elsewhere on a photoshoot (and an affair) so no full support on his part, which leads us to the now-adult Wayne who just happens to be her neighbor; secretly, Wayne is Quinn's biggest fan and whenever he's not worshipping her through a creepy shrine decked with her memorabilia (including a life-size bust that he smooches), he's doing his best to feign normalcy and tries anything he can to win her over.

And by anything, I mean apart from being a supportive friend, he's also out killing anybody he deems unworthy of Quinn's attention and love. Like, duh.

Frankly, Santa Claws (1996) doesn't work as a genuine horror effort; it's painfully obvious in its low-budget straight-to-VHS production, treading through a soggy, paper-thin story littered with atrociously bad acting, zero scares and a dry kill count. The pace is bogged down by too many skin scenes featuring characters that aren't particularly likable (or mattered at all considering the writing quality here), so I'm sure as shit thrills won't be a thing in this shlock as well. Still, the badness of it all at least reaches a form of high point as an unintentional comedy and I do find myself laughing at this mess from start to finish; the awkward shots, the inept line delivery, the clumsy murder sequences, there's a sense of corny weirdness to them that I just can't help but grin and chuckle. 

And, yes, if you have to count it, I guess the movie's multitude of eye candy stripteases can be a treat for some people. But if we're just in it to see some tits and ass, then one should know that the outtakes from this movie, along with additional topless footages were actually compiled into a real video titled Scream Queen’s Naked Christmas (1996). From what I heard, it's just as terrible as Santa Claws (1996) but, hey, Boobs Ahoy!

Obviously the worst choice you would make if you're looking for a good, good Christmas-themed slasher, but if you're open for a weirdly goofy and cheap holiday horror trasherpiece, then drink that bourbon and watch away!

Bodycount:

1 male and 1 female shot to death

1 female hacked to death with a garden claw

1 male hacked to death with a garden claw

1 female strangled to death

1 female hacked on the gut with a garden claw, strangled

1 male strangled to death with a choke-hold

1 male hacked on the throat with a garden claw

Total: 8

Lives And Deaths In Osborne, Nebraska: There's Someone Inside Your House (2017)

There's Someone Inside Your House
Author: Stephanie Perkins
Publication Year: 2017
Chapters: 29
Rating: ****

Welcome to Osborne, Nebraska. Population of twenty-six hundred. 

Or, at least it was.

It's been almost a year since Hawaiian-born Makani Young moved to this small town and all she wanted is to live a life of normalcy accompanied by new close friends and a loving grandmother, as well as finishing her high school senior year without her dark past coming back to haunt her. But when news broke out that one of her classmates was found with her throat slaughtered and her eyes slashed into grotesque "dead cartoon eyes" one morning, Makani finds herself in the middle of the dilemma when she decided to rekindle her relationship with Oliver "Ollie" Larsson, her lonesome pink-haired Summertime fling and possible suspect.

With Ollie having a bit of a reputation, one that involves ghastly rumors about his parents' demise, it isn't much of a surprise that Makani's friends are uneasy with him just looming around her. But do they know him as well as she does? Or has Makani's budding romance towards the boy blinded her from the possibility that he could be a vile murderer? As more bodies pile up, it's only a matter of time before Makani learns the truth behind these killings and that she might be the only one to stop it.

With a tone screaming pure 90s slasher nostalgia, There's Someone Inside Your House is author Stephanie Perkins' first stroll in penning an impressively violent teen horror after her line young adult romance novels, merging coming-of-age teenage drama with bodycounting nightmares in an attempt to flesh out its characters and build up the intrigue surrounding the murders. It's a direction that comes with a double edge as after the tension-building first murder, the story halter itself into a bit of a slump as we focus greatly around Makani's relationship issues with (one of) the town misfits; a bit of romance adds layers to the plot and it gives our leading characters their likable charm and depth, yes, but a long while of this nearly made the plot looking a tad like another romantic shindig only with a side of slasher horror.

Fortunately, once the murders start rearing up again, the plot picks up in a speedy and entertaining pace as a couple of chapters are dedicated to the morbidity and creepiness of the killer's attacks, written with a flair of brutal dismemberments and visceral slayings, accompanied with effectively distressing mind games done to toy and unnerve its unfortunate victims. It's around these parts we also get to know more about Makani's hidden past and how it intertwines with her present state as a potential target to a killer who's doing well enough to evade capture. As much as it adds a bit of mystery and edge to the situation, I better enjoyed the fact that the developments within these parts got rocky and tested, yet ending with Makani and her friends and lover bonding stronger to form a firm little group racing against time to stop a killer from claiming more lives.

Curiously, the last third of the book is where the whodunit ploy gets swapped out with a more manic stalk-and-prowl act wherein the killer is revealed not just to us, but also to the main casts, and yet our psycho continues their rampage, slaying as many as possible while the whole town searches for them. It's one of the best turns the story could've made and the resulting carnage is as exciting as it is gruesome, plus the thrill of knowing the killer yet unsure where they'll strike next is a whole ballpark of satisfactory horror reading! 

For what it is, There's Someone Inside Your House is an interesting addition to horror literature and a fun, quick read for slasher fans who hopefully wouldn't mind a lot of make-out sessions before and after a bloody good kill. While it may not necessarily add anything new, it's a good story that you can't put down, especially once that hunting knife gets wielded and the town of Osborne gets to know the face of true madness!

Bodycount: 6

Notable Kill: In context, this is a simple kill with some laughable imagery, but an entire chapter was built around the murder of a football player contemplating whether he is suffering from CTE (Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy) or not. The details written about his panic, confusion and distress just made the entire thing a lot more cathartic. I feel for the dude...

He's Feline Very Unwell: Cat Sick Blues (2015)

Cat Sick Blues (Australia, 2015)
Rating: **1/2

Starring: Matthew C. Vaughan, Meg Spencer, Jeni Bezuidenhout

Well, the slasher world just got weirder. Again. For the umpteenth time.

After his cat Patrick ate himself to death (or so he claims), Ted (Matthew C. Vaughan) is in a state of grief so unhinged that he purrs like a cat, shits in a litter box like a cat and gets off at cat-themed porn. He also convinced himself that by taking the lives and draining the blood of seven women, he can bring Patrick back to the world of the living. So off he go donning a black cat mask, commissioning a BDSM artist to make him a set of cat-clawed gloves and, disturbingly, a strap-on dildo with barbs (because, for those who are not aware, cats have barbed penises), and setting his eyes on prowling the city for women he can slaughter.

Seeing herself tangled into this mess is one Claire Ellis (Shian Denovan), who used to make cute cat videos for Youtube until one of her fans stalked her, accidentally killed her cat and then raped her. The assault was filmed and shared online, pretty much destroying Claire's spirit so she started attending a therapy group for pet owners grieving for their deceased fur babies. Unknown to her, Ted happens to be in the same group and has taken a liking to Claire. The two disturbingly hook up, completely with fast food dates and unengaging sex, but the more she engages with him, the more she suspect Ted being the one responsible for the recent string of serial murders and that she might be in serious danger.

So let me just get this out and say if you think watching a disturbed man devolve into a seizure-prone, cat-obsessed serial killer who wears an ensemble of a cat mask, metal claws and an almost anatomically-correct latex feline shlong whilst breaking into people's homes to slaughter them is a bit too off-the-wall for your taste, I do not blame you. Not at all. What we have here is a psychological slasher of the arthouse kind, littered with as much weirdness and grief as it is with gory killings and disturbing imagery. It has its way of weighing in emotions of turmoil and trauma, though this is often clashed by the movie's scatterbrain approach of weird visuals combined with trippy editing and the result's mostly all over the place. 

A part that makes Cat Sick Blues (2015) an effectively unnerving watch is the unpredictability of its main character Ted. Matthew C. Vaugh played his role with much awkward yet dangerous bravado that it's darn convincing we're watching a serial killer at the brink of self-destructing madness. You can tell he's always up to no good even during his quieter moments where he just sits and stares at people, contemplating his twisted goal of bringing his dead cat back to life. I mean, if the barbed cat-cock strap-on isn't an indication of his very unstable state (which I am thankful he never used in a practical sense), then I don't know what is...

The slasher elements are messily punctuated here by gruesome practical gore and a fairly sizable kill count filled with decapitated heads and copious amount of clawing-related deaths courtesy of the Ted's metal mittens. If the heavy bloodletting isn't shocking enough, then the gross-out last act where the movie really let itself go will certainly churn stomachs as we get force-ingested slurries of human blood and cat corpse, as well as an overly long and disturbing faux finale about diseased nodules and a monstrous birth. Again, Cat Sick Blues (2015) is one strange film, absurdly demented and depraved in every angle you can look at it and its unapologetic for that fact.  

Without a doubt, this is a film made for a certain kind of audience and I find myself on the admiring side of the crowd. I can't say I like it all the way, but I can tell this is someone's vision of a notorious indie horror and I respect that. Fans of extreme underground horror will certainly get a kick out of Ted and his deranged mission to bring back his beloved pet at all cost, but what say you?

Bodycount:

1 female decapitated with a shovel

1 female strangled with a garden hose

1 female had her throat cut with metal cat claws, decapitated

1 female had her face beaten to a pulp with a statue

1 female gutted with metal cat claws

1 female had her throat slashed with metal cat claws

1 female stomped on the head

1 female choked on barbed dildo

1 female had her throat slashed with metal cat claws

1 male had his throat slashed with metal cat claws, bled to death

1 male hanged 

Total: 11

Love Lorn and Love Scorn: He Knows You're Alone (1980)

He Knows You're Alone (1980)

Rating: ***1/2

Starring: Don Scardino, Caitlin O'Heaney, Elizabeth Kemp 

Released early into the 80s golden age of slasher flicks, He Knows You're Alone opens with a scene we're familiar with: a parked car in the woods, its guy and girl occupants busy Frenching each other. The girl hears something outside, prompting her partner to step out to investigate only to go quiet. Too quiet. It isn't long before the girl gets uncomfortable and, after looking around the car on her own, finds her boyfriend strung up upside down on a tree, dead. And just as our masked slasher makes an appearance to give chase at our reasonably hysterical gal, another girl blocks the screen and goes down into the bathrooms before any of us could yell 'Down in front!'

So it turns out the backwoods shenanigans is a film within our film, one that's a bit too much for the bathroom gal we're focusing for now as she ends up feeling really uneasy whilst doing her business in the ladies' room. This slight paranoia is soon to be validated when, returning just in time to join her friend catch a crucial moment in their movie, the girl is stabbed in the back by a sweaty man with a knife, her agonized scream masked by the theater's roar of jovial laughter and shock by what they're seeing on screen. But not for long...

The murder is soon discovered and on the case is one Detective Gamble, who learns that the girl was to be wed a few weeks from now and this fact prompts him to correctly assume this is the work of a psycho he's obsessed on catching for years, a serial bride killer named Ray whose killcount includes Gamble's own late would-be spouse. As Gamble investigates and deduce Ray's current whereabouts, our maniac catches a bus ride away from his fresh kill and coincidentally stops the next morning nearby our leading bride-to-be Amy, who plans to hang around and have fun with her friends and family while her fiancé Phil celebrates his last days as an unwed man at a faraway log cabin with his buddies.

Behind the smiles and all that gushing over her engagement though, we come to find out Amy's having seconds thoughts on tying the knot completely with Phil and its a conflict stemming from the matter that she still has feelings for her lovable goofball ex, Marvin. Sure enough, her former lover shows up here and there, begging her to marry him instead with Amy's friends Nancy and Joyce, as well as Amy's own kid sister agreeing he's a better match for her than her current potential future hubby. The more she thinks this over, the more she starts to notice a prowling man popping up wherever she goes however, just a few feet away or hiding among the crowd. 

As you would've guessed, Ray, made aware of Amy's bridal commitment, has chosen to terrorize this girl and whoever else involved with her big day next. Will Amy come to a decision just in time before she's stabbed full of holes by a bride-hating loon? Will Detective Gamble piece it all together to stop Ray's latest slay-a-thon and put a full end to his terror? And oh my gods, is that young Tom Hanks in a slasher flick?!

In substance, He Knows You're Alone doesn't swing too far out from a standard and linear slasher narrative: we have a killer on the loose and cops are after them, all the while we watch a cast of characters live their lives, anticipating cathartic losses through their demises under the hands of said killer. It's a simple horror plot with simple murders, its violence tamed to just knife stabbings and offcamera deaths (save for one that went an extra mile) with the film focusing more on a good amount of character interactions and plot build-up. With a hokey B-grade flavor to it, the film's genuine sense of warmth and fun from our casts of friends and desperate lovers is a welcome treat found within the movie's writing and scripting, both cheeky, naughty and cheesy yet still somehow achieving a level of sympathetic care and development in its story and characters. 

Any scares and thrills this movie has to offer are handled through Halloween (1978)-inspired camera work wherein the killer appears to menace and/or observe from a distance before disappearing into crowds or is just be completely gone altogether, and too the well-paced and crafty stalking scenarios that can get real intense. Our killer here, uncomplicatedly named Ray, may be your typical textbook example of a random bonafide nutcase seemingly snapped into silence and bloodlust, but he has the physical presence to be intimidating despite looking like your everyday fellow out in the streets. There are moments where the shocks and creep factor doesn't work, but the film practically plays every clichés a slasher title is known and picked apart for, so there's still some slice of hammy enjoyment bound to be found and experienced here. (Like watching our final girl try to avoid death by retreating into her own sweater as the killer looms closer, or seeing young Tom Hanks play a small role here as a psych major dating one of the characters!)

Though not by any means a great movie, He Knows You're Alone (1980) is an entertainment piece that's good enough to be one's mini cult classic of sorts. It's well-written, fairly acted and amazingly fun in its simplistic approach, well worth watching overall, just maybe not around your beloved's bachelorette and/or stag night~!

Bodycount:

1 male found murdered (film)
1 female hacked to death with a sickle (film)
1 female knifed in the back
1 female stabbed to death with a switchblade (flashback)
1 male stabbed with a pair of shears
1 female found murdered
1 male knifed to death
1 female had her throat cut with a knife, decapitated
1 male stabbed on the chest with a knife
Total: 9