Blood Freaks and Spanked Cheeks: Evils of The Night (1985)

Evils of The Night (1985)

Rating: **

Starring: Neville Brand, Aldo Ray, Tina Louise

A group of space aliens resembling voluptuous women in short skirts (and old John Carradine in a silver jogging suit) arrive on Earth to harvest and experiment on the youthful blood of horny teenagers for a way to keep themselves alive, only to encounter dilemmas when it turns out that the nearby town is short on victims due to most of the teens driving off for Spring break, and those they were able to capture often end up dead thanks to the murderous tendencies of their two hired hillbilly goons. (Played by Neville Brand and Aldo Ray)

If this sounds like the plot of one of those drive-in cheapo flicks, or dime store movies often shown in public domain, that ought to show what to expect from this mess of a film, honestly. Evils of The Night (1985) is a cauldron concoction of a cheese-fest combining low brow scifi plotting of very human-looking aliens in skimpy dresses and big hair yakking up technical space jargon and extraterrestrial quips to pass up what this movie considers as an intergalactic threat (of the small scale), with that of a very exploitative swing on your typical backwoods teen slasher, showcasing very spicy sex scenes that lingers long on screen and a victim group consisting of airer-than-airhead teens punctuated with outrageously cheesy dialogue and overly expressive acting. 

It's bad. Like, amazingly bad. So much so that I, frankly, sort of enjoyed this junk of a movie! The unapologetic cheesiness of its direction and production, down to its cheap laser effects and unabashed sleaze just works with the mad science craziness of space doctors with questionable morals roping in a pair of killer gas station hicks to kidnap sex-crazed teenagers for research. They justified this juxtapose with the aliens needing someone dumb enough to be bribed with gold coins to help out with their blood-draining science project, regardless of how uncontrollably brutal they can be, which is the kind of demented writing I could always go for whenever I'm in the mood for an entertainingly dumb movie.

That said, it is still a dumb movie. One with audio work and editing that are patchy, and, too, a lack of any real sympathetic characters as practically all of them are one-note stereotypes of screaming girls and their eye-candy boyfriends. The group of villains flair a tad better as low-rent 'space aliens' and violent townies, hamming up their scenes to ludicrous fancy whenever they appear, something to consider since the story is as thin as a single sheet of paper. Heck, you can honestly tell with the way the story kinda just ends with the operation halting due to the aliens having a deadline for these blood experiments and somehow this includes one more laser death. And speaking of, for a slasher, there really isn't much gore to speak of until the last thirty minutes, so those expecting a slaughterfest may need to test their patience.

It's not going to be everyone's ham and cheese treat. In fact, even if you are hungering for a really feisty cheddar and smoky meat-to-meat minute, Evils of The Night (1985) is still the odd one out for how unconventional it is as both a slasher and a sci-fright flick. But if you don't mind a bit of an obscurity, then is one title you could try seeking out. 

Bodycount:

1 male garroted

1 female dies during an operation

1 male shot dead with a laser

1 male repeatedly beaten with a wooden beam, later dies during an operation

1 male brained with a tire iron

1 female mentioned drowned

1 female beaten to death with a blanket filled with glass containers

1 female disemboweled with a power drill

1 male crushed by an automotive hoist

1 female hacked apart with an axe

1 male shot with a laser, bled to death

Total: 11

Winter Wonder Alien Massacre: The Visitor (2020 Novella)

The Visitor

Author: Sergio Gomez

Publication Year: 2020

Chapters: 20

Rating: ***

In this little tale of holiday horrors, we take a step into a familiar set-up of strangers being brought together at a single place to take shelter from nature's wrath, only to discover someone or something lurking around is out to kill them. 

The Visitor starts the pages at a diner during Christmas Eve where its owner Sal, regulars Kaito and Ichiko Takahasi, and traveling poet Moshe Janovsky have been keeping each other company as Indiana's worst snowstorm covers the road in inches of thick snow. They're soon joined by Xavier and his Collie, Norman, who just survived an accident that had their car crashing at a barricade, as well as truck driver Santiago Sanchez whose rig couldn't handle the now-slippery road. With hot food and drinks to go around, a generator keeping everyone warm and a football game playing on the TV, the group make the best out of their predicament by talking about mundane things and share a little bit about themselves. Until, that is, a lone tree branch outside snapped into falling unto a power pole and taking the lines with it, sending the diner into pitch darkness and shivering cold.

And it is around this time that the group would soon know that there is another visitor joining them. A hunter and its hound out to stalk and prey on a few specimens that just happen to be stranded inside a diner...

As slasher story, Sergio Gomez done an equitable enough job of keeping his novella a fun and breezy read by keeping the story easy to digest and with the right amount of popcorn entertainment as any good bodycount horror should be. It's basically your standard cat-and-mouse hunt, straight to the point towards its thrills and kills once the titular visitor starts to make their rounds on killing these innocent people, only the catch here is that our killer is an alien, down to the space suit and helmet, armed with a space rifle to go along its knife and even tagged along its own tamed creature which is supposed to be a hound of sorts. Even if this is far from anything new (Without Warning (1980), Predator (1987) and Almost Human (2013), for example), this is still an intriguing turn for anyone wanting more than just another average escaped loonie terrorizing people in their slasher stories, though I do wished the author gave us a little more detail as to the motive behind this thing's hunt as the story only went as far as telling us what it does with the bodies, but not what for.

The book did fairly with its character introductions and how it crafted their little predicament with the unfavorable weather, vividly describing the sheer coldness and unforgiving barrage of snowfall with brooding wordplay which adds to the intensity and atmosphere of the eventual attacks. Not much in terms of developing its casts seeing the length of the story, though Gomez did pen the kills and the ensuing carnage descriptive enough to vividly visualize the stalk and stab/shoot action and whatever gruesome gore and horrors that go with it, thus maintaining itself to be an engaging read on a good level. 

Though, again, it doesn't offer anything new to the slasher subgenre, The Visitor is a fun read for anyone who wants a quick and easy horror short to indulge in, one that delivers cold chills and classic kills with a simple scifi aftertaste!

Bodycount: 6 

Notable Kill: A gnarly laser shot to the head courtesy of a space rifle. Apart from that, we also got poor fella who got their head bitten off by a large critter!

Night of The Meteor Mutants: Nobody Sleeps In The Woods Tonight 2 (2021)

Nobody Sleeps In The Woods Tonight 2 (W lesie dzis nie zasnie nikt II) (Poland, 2021)

Rating: **1/2

Starring: Izabela Dabrowska, Lech Dyblik and Andrzej Grabowski

For those who are not acquainted, Nobody Sleeps In The Woods Tonight (2020) is a rather basic backwoods slasher following teens from a "technology detox" camp being hunted down by a pair of very deformed and obese murder twins with a taste for flesh. The only things that set this apart from your other forest-set bodycounters would be its weird attempt to flesh out its characters more and the fact that the reason behind the killers' madness was (*spoiler alert!*) a black goo-filled meteor. 

This sequel follows up some time after the first film, with final girl Zosia being captured at some local police station, along with the "Fatties" responsible for massacring her friends and then some. She's there for further questioning as the head honcho of the station, Sergeant Waldek, couldn't wrap his head around her story of meteors turning people evil and how Zosia supposedly murdered one of the Fatties by stabbing him to death with a machete, so to get a better idea what happened, she's eventually taken back to the Fatties' humble abode and asked to point out where it all happened exactly.

Unfortunately for them all, once they get there, the meteor responsible for turning the Fatties evil strikes again, this time oozing its goo into Zosia and turning her into a deformed "meteor mutant". As history repeats itself and another bloodbath starts taking the lives of locals, a very meek Constable Adas gets caught in the middle of this madness and will soon find a fate weirder than death...

For a good hour or so, Nobody Sleeps In The Woods Tonight 2 (2021) continues its affairs as a standardized backwoods kill-a-thon as it dish out murder after murder while trying to establish a set of characters to follow along in the story. Just as the first film, though, the characterization here can be a bit weird and random, if not downright annoying, such as our supposed lead here, Adas, being a whiny coward most of the time to the point he's just pathetic, or the fact two of of the folks who decided to help out the remaining police force happen to be a pair of Neo-Nazi hunters. It doesn't help that we will be, more or less, just be watching this group be dysfunctional for a while, but that's a little more tolerable looking into what this film have in store for us in the last act.

After practically murdering off almost everyone introduced so far, Nobody Sleeps In The Woods Tonight 2 (2021) throws a curveball at us and we're suddenly looking into the monster's perspective as we learn why they're killing people, which sums up to them simply being evil. Just plain evil. One of the human characters is also turned into a meteor mutant and the final third of the movie is just now these two mutants frolicking around, teaching the other why it's great to be an evil murder creature and having monster sex. Yes. Monster sex. It's an odd turn of events, one that I wouldn't mind if it wasn't done around the remaining act which makes the whole thing feel rushed. The finale of it all also fails to be anything exciting as it kinda sizzle down and it all felt like it happened just for the sake of it happening and nothing else. (Like, what was even the point of it?)

Nobody Sleeps In The Woods Tonight 2 (2021) shines the best when it's just the meteor mutant going ape on the dismemberments as the gore effects here are among the juiciest and the attacks are intense for their brutality. Whenever it tries to make something out of the cast, though, I think it would have been more welcoming if the film just stuck with the killer-in-the-woods jig and try not to over complicate things. Still, I'm not going to completely diss its shots at character development since a few scenes did come out rather hilarious, so I say that while it doesn't it completely deliver, it still has something for the fans of the gruesome and weird to clamor over!

Bodycount:

1 male had his legs torn off, bled to death

1 male pushed head first to a fusebox, disemboweled

1 male found slaughtered

1 male dies from exhaustion after his hands got cut off from a bear trap

1 male had his heart and larynx clawed out

1 female torn to pieces

1 male found beheaded

1 male gets knifed in the eye

1 female had her face flayed off and her head repeatedly stomped

1 female ran over by an armored truck

2 males decimated with a grenade

Total: 12

Masakra Chunky Twins: Nobody Sleeps In The Woods Tonight (2020)

Nobody Sleeps In The Woods Tonight (W lesie dzis nie zasnie nikt) (Poland, 2020)
Rating: ***

Starring: Julia Wieniawa-Narkiewicz, Michal Lupa, Wiktoria Gasiewska

In this down-to-basics approach to backwoods bodycounters hailing all the way from our Polish friends, a group from Camp Adrenalina are on a hike to teach their technology-addicted selves how to let go of their electronics and experience life's worth through nature. Unknown to them, at a house deep in the very same woods, a weary old woman was feeding raw meat to something in her cellar when one small slip sends her tumbling in and getting killed by who or whatever's been hidden away there, now free to roam the woods that night for more food.

Next morning comes and Daniel, the group's wannabe playboy, is nowhere to be seen after a round of bumpin' uglies with pretty girl Aniela the previous evening. The only clue to his fate is a bloodied tree trunk nearby, so guide Iza decides to tag along avid gamer Julek and mysteriously solemn Zosia to leg back at camp with her and find help, while Aniela and soft spoken queer Bartek are left behind in case Daniel shows up somehow. Of course, in par to these killer-in-the-woods type, this plan only trails to nothing but bloody fiascos as not one, but two huge, grossly bulbous cannibals are out there hunting and killing as many people as they can for good munchies and these hikers, along with a couple of random bystanders, could fill their bellies good for days...

As a backwoods slasher, Nobody Sleeps In The Woods Tonight is a serviceable little beast. The plot isn't anything new or grand despite its potential to exploit the backdrop of a technology-free camp detoxing its campers of internet and cellphone addiction, throwing this concept out no soon after it is introduced for a more standard kids-in-the-woods kind of story, but I will give it points for not overly complicating things and just keep it easy. Teens go to the woods, get attacked, survival happens, all standard in the core but welcome.

What Nobody Sleeps have that kept me watching is its awesome gore and make-up effects, with the killers' gross deformities being one of its highlights just for how detailed and stomach-churning they are to look at. The murders are an okay set, one of which doing a decent jump scare that actually caught me by surprise while many others pay tribute to other backwoods slashers such as Wrong Turn 2: Dead End (2007), The Burning (1980) and that one iconic kill in Friday The 13th Part VII: New Blood (1987). In fact, I kinda like the little movie Easter eggs here and there as other slashers like Castle Freak (1995), Just Before Dawn (1981) and Freddy vs Jason (2003), as well as iconic horror titles like The Evil Dead (1981) and even Creepshow (1982) get a nod and a wink which often got me chuckling, if not simply gleeful at how they're worked into the story. (Absolutely loving the The Lonesome Death of Jordy Verrill-inspired explanation for the killers' madness, which simply came out of nowhere!)

I also like the fact that the writing in this film tries to flesh out its characters a bit more than simply keeping them within the stereotypes they're portraying, though this inadvertently shows Nobody Sleeps' flaws in keeping a fair flow and consistency in tone; while a good deal of the story has this sullen yet youthful atmosphere that centers on teen insecurities and struggles, without a doubt to build upon cathartic demises for the group, the random bits of comic relief, wonky theremin-laced score and weird leeways at the near end just cluttered and hobbled what could have been an effective emotional run for the film, hence making the finale feeling uneven. 

And then there are the plot holes, such as one character knowing way too much dirt on what the killers are and were (and none of the doomed kids addressing this matter), and this film's obvious final character being in a camp that keeps you from using technology, though their background reveals they might as well be traumatized from using technology seeing what it did to their family. They're distracting, but fortunately few on my book so not as jarring or annoying as one might expect.

Marketed as Poland's first slasher film, Nobody Sleeps In The Woods Tonight is a modest production for what is basically a homage to 80s bodycounters. (and then some) It's far from great, but for what it offers in bloody kills, monstrous killers and decent enough characters through an easily digestible story, I say it earns a viewing or two from good little slasher fans like you and me! 

Bodycount:

1 male dragged away, killed

1 female killed offcamera, blood splash seen

1 male repeatedly swung and beaten against a tree inside a sleeping bag

1 female decapitated offcamera, head thrown out

1 female gets a dead branch ran through her mouth

1 male had his eyes thumbed, shredded through a wood chipper

1 male seen crawling out of a burning car wreck, killed (flashback)

1 female and 1 girl implied killed in car crash (flashback)

1 male gutted with a knife

1 male shot with a shotgun

1 male split down in half with an axe

Total: 12

Short Shear Terror: Biotherapy (1986)

Biotherapy (Japan, 1986 Short)
Rating: ***
Starring: Jun'ichi Haruta, Yumiko Ishikawa, Hirohisa Nakata

Experimenting on growth serums made from glutamyltransferase (or just GT serum to make things less pretentious) extracted from meteors, a group of scientists see themselves in a deadly situation as a masked alien garbed in a coat and fedora suddenly appears and starts demanding the completed GT serum from them. Should they fail to comply, the hostile visitor has no problem butchering them one by one, prompting one of these scientists and his girlfriend to race against time and find the completed serum first, as well as understand why exactly this alien is after it.

Released direct to VHS back in the days and running for less than an hour, Biotherapy (1986) is more of an exercise on low-budget ultraviolence, giving up the likes of a developed story and characters in favor of dishing out as many messy kills as a short film can fit in itself. There are ideas, more or less science talk about what the serum can do and its side effects (and too blabberings of time travel and alien life just to complicate things) but these were so underdeveloped that there are holes on the details and the plot surrounding it fails to be consistent. Thankfully, given its short time, pacing runs quickly and is hardly boring as there's always something going on, may it be cheesy dialogue for unconventional humor or sloppily edited yet effectively brutal killings to satisfy our inner gore hounds.

In fact, the special effects used here definitely cost the movie most of its budget since all of the murders are done with detailed practical work, with a splatter flick aesthetic that borderlines to cartoonish for how much blood gushing out or how absurd the slayings can get. (Seriously, that eye gouge in the beginning looked close to being real!) The killer's concept and design do drop the film down to cheesier territories, however; to emphasize their otherworldly-ness, their lines were overdubbed with an echoplexed demonic voice and the actor is filmed to have a trippy blue glow effect around him. Once unmasked, the creature make-up just looks rubbery, kinda reminding me of those Power Rangers bad guys only, well, more homicidal-ish, and I can't help but snicker at that.

Oh, and did I mention this slasher also have telekinesis and is impervious to bullets? Touched once in a scene or two, never to be brought up again in the rest...

Frankly, this movie is just a delight. It's nothing big or grand, but as a simple underrated flawed gem that's just begging to have an audience, especially those of the splatter-appreciative kind, its a bit of a worthwhile rarity. Should you find yourself looking at a copy of this anywhere, in anyhow, then grab a chance to see it and enjoy the nonsensical alien violence that is Biotherapy (1986)!

Bodycount:
1 male had his neck crushed, eye plucked out
1 female repeatedly stabbed with broken test tubes, tongue ripped off
1 male found slaughtered
1 male shot through the mouth
1 male repeatedly beaten against a wall
1 male disemboweled
1 alien doused with experimental component, dissolves
Total: 7

The Laserblast Massacre: Nightbeast (1982)

Nightbeast (1982)
Rating: **1/2
Starring: Tom Griffith, Jamie Zemarel, Karin Kardian

When I covered the direct-to-video slasher Dead Hunt (2007) a few years ago, I never thought I'll be reviewing another one of low-budget filmmaker Don Dohler's filmography until I came upon Nightbeast (1982), a Troma-released micro-budget horror piece of the aggressively cheesy kind. 

Something of a tribute to 1950s scifi monster flicks, with the ferocity and sensibilities of a Golden Age 80s slasher, Nightbeast follows a random alien crash landing into Earth and starting a murder spree because reasons. Like, really, for the first twenty minutes, this thing in the spacesuit with the face of a hairless grinning gorilla and teeth that never heard of dental plan just whips out a laser gun and starts vaporizing anybody it sees, except for a couple in the woods and the father two two boys. Those people got mauled to death instead!

After one too many reports of a something falling from the night sky and townsfolk getting vaporized, a sheriff and his female deputy rallied up a small group to investigate the scene, only to be met hostility as the alien easily lay waste on them. Surviving the ordeal, the sheriff, his remaining deputies and a couple of other yokels plot out their next move, much to the chagrin of their mayor who doesn't want to evacuate the town due to some big event he's planning.

Oh, and there's a guy named Drago who's apparently a douchebag causing problems and strangling some women.

Much like the rest of Dohler's filmography, Nightbeast is thousands of miles away from being what many would consider a good movie; plot is non-existent and there is a noticeable lacking of good performances, a decent script, or solid dialogue, and then there's that awkward sex scene between  a pale, permed and mustachioed dude and an over-tanned woman, both presumably in their 40s to 50s. Its all painful to look at, and a bit testy to watch since it did drag a bit once we reach the forty to fifty minutes of the run, but this awkwardness can also be seen as this movie's charm, as like many so-bad-its-good horror movies.

Basically, what Nightbeast lacks in better scripting, acting and story is made up for its energetic set-pieces and overall openness to how silly its plot is, whether it's scenes of the alien is massacring people with its laser gun, a random bad guy attacking people coz he just felt like it or townsfolk doing their darnest to look busy and invested to the danger posed by their alien visitor. The movie no short of momentum in keeping up its over-the-top elements as entertaining as possible and it is something you can admire even if, again, the near absence of budget and skills tend to get in the way once in a while. Gore is still chunky and red, the kills are high in numbers, it has a score done by a young J.J. Abrams (No, really!) and it all ends with a fun note of a showdown that cues in some extra bodies for good horror fans like us.

A film made with true indie spirit, Nightbeast (1982) may not win any Oscars or total recognition from the more uppity folks, but it will always find a home among appreciative horror fans who love a good simple monster movie.

Bodycount:
1 male vaporized with a laser gun
2 males vaporized with a laser gun
1 male found mauled to death
1 male had his guts clawed out
1 female lifted and mauled mostly offscreen
2 boys vaporized with a laser gun
1 male vaporized with a laser gun
1 male vaporized with a laser gun
2 males vaporized with a laser gun
1 male clawed on the face
1 male vaporized with a laser gun
1 male vaporized with a laser gun
1 male implied torn in half
1 female strangled to death
1 male had his arm clawed off, killed
1 male clawed
1 male clawed to death
1 male found with his gut slice opened
1 female murdered offcamera
1 male had his head torn off
1 male shot through the back with a shotgun
1 male mauled to death
1 male clawed
1 male electrocuted to death
1 alien electrocuted to death
Total: 28

Drug-Laced Alien Massacre: Welcome to Willits (2016)

Welcome to Willits (2016)
Rating: ***1/2
Starring: Bill Sage, Chris Zylka, Anastasia Baranova

Alien invasion? Drug use? Backwoods bodycounting? Yep, we're definitely gonna need some buttered popcorn for this one, boys and girls.

Down in the woods of Willits, California, local pot farmer Ash Williams (Not to be confused with Ashley J. He Who Hath Fallen From The Sky To Deliver Us From The Terrors of The Deadites Williams) is convinced that monstrous space men once infiltrated his brain after he cooked up some really good shit in his drug lab some time ago. With this nightmarish memory haunting him since, the farmer has grown paranoid that the aliens will soon come back to finish him for good and, with visions of horrifying intergalactic menaces getting more and more frequent, he thinks said return is happening this one night when he spots a snarling alien prowling in the woods.

Not wanting to go down without a fight, Ash tags along his fellow chemical-head wife Peggy to kill off the nasty invaders with nothing but their determination to commit alien genocide and shells full of buckshots, coincidentally lowering down the number of teenagers from a nearby camping group of six much to the horror of Ash's visiting niece. I wonder why..,?

With the twist coming in pretty darn early and will become the butt of the dark joke this movie revels in, the film could have gotten the standardized "another backwoods slasher" treatment real quick and easy without it as the "scifright" element is that entertaining for its worth. The slasher elements, in turn, still follows a decent killer-in-the-woods-type horror tropes of stereotyped characters and plotting pitfalls of finding reasons to split-up or the classic sex-means-death allusion, but handled with the kind of wry direction, dry comic performance and somewhat twisted cynical sense of humor that works well on a thin-storied B-grade slasher.

Much of the narrative's groundwork focuses on our William character's slow descent to homicidal madness as he continues to believe that aliens are starting to surround his home and his urge to fight back increases the longer he dwells on this delusion. It is a fascinating watch thanks to actor Bill Sage's nutty performance as our main pothead, managing to straddle between the line of being funny and horrifying impressively. For one end, you'll be laughing at his obscure and out-of-this-world ramblings (pun intended) for how silly and over-the-top it is, but the moment he's starting to turn on against his own family, he and the film's direction is quick to grab the severity of the situation and push the flow to a more genuine yet familiar horror-fueled run.

Gore effects used here are pretty diverse considering the kind of plot Willits is running, which meant we do get to see both human and alien dismemberment done in that sweet, gooey, latex and corn syrup work. Some of the kills do lean forward to a more "off-camera" approach which may disappoint gorehounds, but the resulting corpse effects do make up for it, may it be a rotting monster carcass or stoners with their heads cut or blown off. The movie's lighting also helps in a way that it varies to suit and enhance a scene's creepy-yet-absurd feel, ranging from psychedelic vomit of colors to wallow us in a character's drug-induced hallucination, to shadowy backdrops to hide away creepy alien creatures standing cautiously behind the woods.

If there will be any real drawbacks, I would say that some scenes do show the budgetary constrains Willits suffers from time to time, and the flow can get pretty janky with its tendencies to jump back and forth from weed-induced fantasy to weed-embraced reality, particularly around scenes that involves an in-universe cop show called Fists of Justice that just doesn't work out for me. (I mean, there's cheesy. And then there's "cheesy". Fists lands face first on the latter...) Still, the positives are funny and gory enough for me to overlook these little shortcomings, so they're barely a flaw that ruin the film. (Plus, there's an adorable possum in a vest. You can't go wrong with that!)

At the end of it, Welcome to Willits (2016)'s mix of stoner comedy, scifi monster horror and backwoods slasher is best enjoyed for its oddly delightful writing, eccentric acting and a fitting self-aware meth-based humor. If you're looking for a uniquely simplistic horror comedy that packs some spacey laughs, this is a likely candidate for your movie night!

Bodycount:
1 male shot on the head with a shotgun
1 male hacked on the head with a hatchet, decapitated
1 female shot on the back with a shotgun
1 male shot with a shotgun
1 female shot on the head
1 female had her head stomped
1 male decapitated with a tree splitter
Total: 7

HAPPY 2019 HALLOWEEN! (AKA, What am I watching this year. Again.)

Welp, it's October 31st here in the Philippines! That means absolutely nothing unless you're age 10 and below which, in that case, would mean afternoon Trick'r treating and a week off school.

For me though, IT'S HALLOWEEN!

Yes, Polly. Dance. Dance.

And as someone who's practically an adult living in a country that doesn't recognize Halloween as a holiday, I mostly celebrate this by making blood pacts with Lovecraftian gods watching spooky movies from years old and new! So today, I decided to share with you my picks for my annual Halloween viewing! From a back-to-back Holiday slashers to a cavalcade of carnage clowns, let's begin my picks with:

Hell Fest (2018) and Haunt (2019) - Preferably seen back to back, these two back-to-basics slashers follow anxious final girls and their friends venturing off to Halloween events only to meet foul ends at the hands of some very whacked-out psychos. Both films have their share of gore and scares, but what sets them aside from one another is their atmosphere; while Haunt seems to be going for a more grungy and claustrophobic tone with its titular haunt and ghoulish proprietors looking so clunky and cheap (with a good reason), Hell Fest has this Hitchcockian feel to it as it relies on stalking scares whenever it ain't goring it up the vast, open spaced Hell Fest that is the unknowing stalking ground of a random maniac. Whichever you want to start with depends on your mood!

The Witch (2016) - Looking past the Ye Olde English scripting, this supernatural "New England Folktale" is strong on the brooding department and nightmare imagery as a 1630s farming family gets terrorized by a plague of disappearances, hexes and death, seemingly perpetrated by a witch in the woods. Very atmospheric, gloomed to the grinded baby bones and downright fuckin' creepy.

Terrifier (2017) - A notoriously brutal slasher flick that'll give them coulrophobics and casuals alike a bad taste in their mouths, while rewarding us gorehounds a simple yet satisfying bodycounter as we follow Art, a demonic mime with a penchant for hunting two teenage girls at Halloween night and slaying whoever happens to be in the way just for the laughs. Make sure you're not squeamish!

Killer Klowns from Outer Space (1988) - From one killer clown to another, though this one's cheesy affair would come as a welcome mental palette cleanser for those who're probably got fucked up by Art's ole' antics above. (Or not, depends on your ground, I guess) As a sort-of parody of The Blob, a spaceship full of clown-themed aliens arrives on Earth and wrecks havoc on a nearby small town, killing people left and right with cotton candy guns, popcorn monsters and man-eating shadow puppets. Who can stop these creatures? Why a couple of teens, of course!

Zombillenium (2017) - An animated flick based on a French comic book series, following a human health and safety inspector unwillingly becoming a part of a horror-themed amusement park he was assigned to, where real monsters reside in plain sight, after dying and returning as a demon. He now must find a way to escape the park to reunite with his daughter, but with his new monstrous form, how can he? A bit cheesy on the plot, but it has a lovely art and adorable characters (some of which has bouncy monster boobs. hurm), plus the animation is just beautiful at times!

Dave Made a Maze (2017) - A bit of a wild card, this surreal fantasy flick may not be overall horrific, but it does feature enough Minotaur monster action, nightmare situations and paper "blood". Thanks to "reasons", a normal dude with self-esteem problems named Dave somehow made a working maze (well, more like a labyrinth) out of nothing but cardboard, tape and probably other things lying around in his apartment. On the outside, the maze look more like a cardboard castle, but once Dave's girlfriend, friends and other random folk decided to step in to find him as he claims to be stuck, they're in for a huge surprise! Weird as hell, but it has that underlying warmth to its story. And then some.

The Devil's Candy (2015) - What's a Halloween without a little heavy metal and murder? This cult classic has a struggling painter and heavy metal enthusiast Jesse moving to a rural farmhouse with his family, not knowing about the apparent demonic forces residing in it and a dark history that's about to repeat itself. Demon worship, rock and roll, and gory kills, what more can you ask for?

Halloween III: Season of The  Witch (1982) - The runt of the Halloween franchise litter that most of us owe an apology to, this genuine cult favorite stood its ground as one of the more unique Halloween horror films out there for its outrageous concept of evil druids working as business men, plotting a mass genocide of children through cursed Halloween masks, a bit of science and an annoying TV commercial and jingle. And with Tom Atkins in the leading role, why the hell not?

Halloween (1978) and Halloween (2018) - And, of course, why not the classic? But wait! Why watch the classic alone when you can do it back to back with last year's welcome contender, Halloween (2018) ?! Watching the night he came home all the way to the night he came home again back-to-back is one of the finest Halloween treat one can indulge in thanks to just how good and fitting the sequel is, exploring post-trauma stress and its effect with everyone involves while still keeping the bodycount scoreboard high in the digits. Start off slow and steady with the original, before ending it swift, cunning and bloody with the modern sequel, can't go wrong there!

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And there you have my list of watchables this year! Something creepy and kooky, mysterious and spooky. And now, if you would excuse me, I gotta go be ooky. Stay safe now and have a...

H A P P Y  H A L L O W E E N!!!

Also, who else is excited about Halloween Kills in 2020?

Take The World: Brightburn (2019)

Brightburn (2019)
Rating: ***1/2
Starring: Elizabeth Banks, David Denman, Jackson A. Dunn

While I've read a fair share of comic books as a kid, none of them had as strong of an impact to me as the original Marvel Zombies limited series back at 2005. Not only did this very book introduce me to superheroes beyond familiar names like Spiderman, Wolverine or Captain America (pretty much opening floodgates of superhero comics for me to dive into and try), but it also catered to my love for zombie movies back then, giving me something out of the ordinary when it comes to the shambling undead.

To see these oh-so-beloved heroes as something worse, as gruesome super-powered flesh-eating monsters born out of an incurable infection, more or less taught me that, when things go downhill, the heroes we love can become the worst case scenario. This what 2019's Brightburn is. A super-powered worst case scenario.

Twelve year old Baron Breyer (Jackson A. Dunn) is experiencing a lot of strange things lately: he sleepwalks to the barn at night, hears voices in his head and finds out he has superhuman strength and invulnerability. It isn't long before he finds out he is adopted, that the parents he knew all this time (David Denman and Elizabeth Banks) found him as a baby inside a crash-landed space craft. Unfortunately for us, this isn't Smallville, Kansas and Baron happens to have a concerning fascination for human body parts as well as a nasty habit creeping on girls he likes. This isn't a superhero story. No. This is a supervillain's. Soon, those who crosses Baron's path or threaten to expose his dark side will know his true power as Brightburn.

Writers Brian and Mark Dunn pen this unique slasher/superhero hybrid about an unpredictable and corrupted young boy discovering his otherworldly origins and while it does show how dangerous and unstoppable said boy can be with his powers scarily (and gorily) well, the final product felt lacking on character development, ironically predictable and easily comparable to classics like The Bad Seed (1956), given that movie's bodycount was modeled after Friday the 13th-style stalkings with DC comic's Superman's abilities as murder weapons.

A lot of missed opportunities could have delve further into the plot and answer some vital questions, more of it concerning Brandon's sudden acceptance to be a death avatar in a cape since he starts out as this intelligent and loving boy who dearly loves his parents. This route could have given more weight to the scenes wherein our parental figures try to understand their son's murderous streak or why some of them is simply outright denying it but, on the other side of the coin, the absence of reasoning why we suddenly have Superman-Gone-Way-South here adds to the creepiness of Brightburn (2019), cementing it fittingly as a unique slasher horror that delivers the messy goods along its young alien villain.

As a slasher flick, it exceedingly subverts conventions while -again, ironically- building around them; we still have a masked killer out prowling around, stalking his victims and killing them with relentless brutality like any good slasher, though the superhero elements gave each kill that extra punch not just because of the detailed gore work (both practical and CG), but also on the fact that they're needlessly overpowered, a clear sign on how our killer kid lacks self-control over his powers, either due to him still figuring out his limits or him simply enjoying what he can unleash. Not to say that the stalk-and-slaughter antics here could genuinely make you feel real dread or fear, but I wont deny that they can be intense.

The movie is far from perfect, relying heavily on typical slasher and child-go-psycho movie tropes that, yes, I am sure many of which we've seen before, but Brightburn (2019) wins me over with its atypical choices, degrading superhero platitudes and, well, for just how good it looks for a film made around an estimated budget of $7,000,000. So if you happen to the that one guy who wonders what would happen if god-like status fall in the hands of someone who isn’t selfless and moral like a certain Mr. Kent, this is definitely one of many good films to answer that. (Next comes to mind is Chronicle (2012)) If the ending has anything to go by, though, this may not be the last we have seen of Brandon Brightburn Breyer...

Bodycount:
1 female attacked, later found with her gut ripped open
1 male crushed inside a dropped truck, jaw smashed open and bled to death
1 male shot through the head with the killer's heat vision
1 male hit by the killer in flight at top speed, slaughtered apart upon impact
1 female beaten within the house, bled to death from wounds
1 female dropped to her death
268+ victims killed in passenger jet crash
Total:274+

Images (c) Google

That Who Hunts: Predator (1987)

Predator (1987)

Rating: ****

Starring: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Carl Weathers, Kevin Peter Hall 

When does one man's Arnold Schwarzenegger action movie becomes another man's slasher? When the film's very backbone resembles one.

Arnie is Major ‘Dutch’ Schaeffer, tough as nails and willful enough to lead an elite group of marines to Guatemala for a rescue mission against guerrilla forces. After dwindling down an entire guerrilla camp's number to a single female captive, they find nobody else to rescue and are now, instead, hunted down by something armed with weapons and gadgets far too advanced to be of Earth.

It is understandable why many genre fans wouldn't look at this as a slasher film despite the bodycount friendly killings since Predator was marketed as an action adventure with a good dash of scifi and a whole lot of Arnold. (Then in the apex of his career as an action star) True enough, the film's first act featured enough gunfights to destroy an entire rebel camp (literally), making it seem like we're going to a direction where they'll be more macho-man badassery, but the film did took a sudden turn for the horrifying and thrilling. 

Just as any slasher, we see something stalking the marines (through a thermal POV shot, no less) and, one by one, ritualistically murders them with blades and a high-powered laser; this tone shift pushes Predator into a backwoods survival flick-type, only with bulky men that do fight back (unlike our usual dumb teenagers), an alien killer, and a good load of kills.

Effects wizard Stan Winston devised some of the most amazing effects I've seen in a genre film, utilizing animatronics and, for its time, impressive digital effects. The predator make-up is incredibly impressive and menacing as a creature. And seeing the film's no short of cash to waste on its effects, you can soothe the gorehound within you as the kills (those by the Predator at least) remain gruesome enough to rival a modest horror film kill, from heads blown apart with lasers to the cult iconic scene where a victim's skull was ripped out by the spine.

Acting around this part is genuinely modest since much of the focus is on the action; Arnold is still Arnold; big, buff, and bears the accent that makes me wonder why they keep giving him American characters to portray. I do like the fact how his character is bound by his role of being a leader of a search-and-rescue team which makes him easy to side with, even early on the film when he found out his team was used to assassinate nearly an entire compound, under the false pretense that they were rescuing a political head. The rest of the casts are pretty okay; they're nothing too dimensional but their characters are likable for a bunch of army cut-outs with sometimes-laughable dialogue.

Interestingly, in talks of the villain, this is not the first time we get a slasher film to feature an alien killer as, while some may argue, Alien (1979) appears to fit the label of a proto-slasher with its stalk-and-maim plot, and too the uber-cheesy but weirdly enjoyable Without Warning of 1982, which features an alien hunter killing teens in the woods using flying parasites as its weapon. (In fact, actor Kevin Peter Hall, who donned the heavy latex make-up as the Predator in this film, was also the alien hunter in Without Warning!) What Predator did that the other two aforementioned films didn't is that it gave its villain a full slasher treatment complete with a mask, bladed weapons, and a linear motivation to kill. Sure it may not be in par with the simplistic machete or shotgun, but a retracting saw-toothed wrist blades and a high-powered blaster is a welcome variety if it delivers the gore.

The way I see it, he had to be this high-tech to keep the "fairness" to the killings as his targets are as armed and deadly as he is once they get an advantage. And staying true to the butch finales of action films, once all but one is left, the final showdown between Dutch and the Predator had to be one of the more intense scenes in cinematic history, with the Predator, seeing how worthy of a foe Dutch is, accepts a fair brawl and disarms himself to go mano-a-mano.

In the end, Predator is a genre flick that can be enjoyed by both horror and action fanatics. Its has guns, it has guts, Arnold is still a badass, and there's a terrifying monster worthy of an icon; while it may lack a solid story, the entertainment value of it is a whole tirade of awesomeness! No genre fan can call themselves a genre fan without ever seeing this! Ever!

Bodycount:
1 male found dead
1 male found shot on the head
3 males found skinned
1 male killed offscreen
1 male knifed on the neck
1 male killed, method unknown
A number of men killed during gunfight
1 male gutted
1 male had his chest shot open with a laser
1 male shot on the head with a laser
1 male gutted with retractable blades
1 male killed offscreen, later seen with stab wounds and getting his skull torn out
1 male shot on the head with a laser
1 alien crushed by falling logs, decimated by a bomb
Total: 15+

O.D. phone home: Brain Damage (1988)

Brain Damage (1988)
Rating: ****1/2
Starring: Rick Hearst, Gordon MacDonald, Jennifer Lowry

Are we to consider a movie revolving around an alien brain-eater that looks like a talking turd a slasher? Well, even in my book I'm questioning the credibility of this film to be reviewed here but nevertheless, said alien is sentient enough to know what he is doing and that's a fitting factor to a classic horror killer so, what the heck!? Least the little guy knows how to give us a splashing good time!

Written and directed by the obscure body horror aficionado Frank Henenlotter (of the Basket Case trilogy), Brain Damage starts inside a New York apartment where a middle age couple gleefully prepares some fresh animal brains for someone-or something- named Aylmer. However, they discover that whatever's supposed to be feeding on these brains has escaped their apartment, putting the couple on a storm of a fit, thrashing their place as they search for it.

One floor below them lies Brian, a young man who just recently let go of his date since he's feeling a little under the weather. By the time he is all alone in his apartment, he suddenly goes through an acid trip that sort of improved his condition and soon discovers that Aylmer, a smooth talking, John Zacherle-voiced alien slug, has chosen as his new companion and injected him on the nape with a highly-addictive blue juice that heightened Brian's senses. Now hooked on the juice, Brian willingly lets Aylmer hang around and inject his strange liquid again before storming out into the streets, experiencing his own personal the light and sound show.

But all is not without its price; Aylmer eats brains to survive and the fresher it is, the better. And with Brian's addiction for the juice taking over his life, he now has no choice but to provide this alien his much preferred food source in exchange for a fix.

Not much of a slasher channeling the likes of Friday the 13th (1980) or Halloween (1978), Brain Damage is a horror film morality tale showing the dangers of drug use and addiction. Aylmer's first conversation with Brian hints this theme pretty early as the slug's inviting voice and promises of a worry-free life without any form of drawback sounded too good to be true, and this further escalates to a full parallel when Brian tries to withdraw from the juice, only for him to end up so distressed and twitchy that he started to see things and grows weak, physically, mentally and emotionally. It's really uneasy and the comparison works so well, something I find very impressive coming from a B-Flick.

On that note, the great thing about this film is that it is not that preachy with the subject and it doesn't forget that it is still a cheesy horror movie; gore is delightfully red in true Henenlotter fashion, mixed in with a good amount of weirdness and sexual undertones like that one phallic kill that becomes so memorable for its unusual and unexpected nature. The city is yet again shown to be the perfect backdrop for a plot revolving around unhealthy addiction, a similar taste done for the first Basket Case film and his horror-comedy Frankenhooker. Acting is variable, which is uncommon for low budget films like this but Rick Hearst certainly did well on portraying our troubled addict, showing a range of emotions and acting from the silliest to the deeply unsettling. Of course, there's also the movie's main attraction, Aylmer, portrayed as an animatronic puppet with an impressive design and mechanism with Zacherle's voice acting that gave this creature the life and (infamous) fame he is known for around the hardcore horror community, a quite likable character of flair despite the threat that he poses once we accept his little offer.

Perhaps the director's best horror movie by my experience and enjoyment, coming from the fact that with so little budget, he managed to pull off something this weird yet complexly deep, Brain Damage is a must see and own for not only slasher addicts who are open to accept the more curious types of maniacs out there, but also horror fanatics in general. Nothing does a good scare and a few laughs than this 80s gem, especially if you're the clean type!

Bodycount:
1 male had his brains eaten by an alien slug
1 female had her brains eaten from her mouth by an alien slug
1 male had his brains eaten by an alien slug
1 female had her brains eaten from her mouth by an alien slug
1 female had her brains eaten by an alien slug
1 male dies from his head wound
1 alien slug crushed to death
1 male shot on the head
Total: 8

A man with a Wicker Basket. Seems familiar?