Just North of Michigan, A Hunting Ground: Deer Camp '86 (2022)

Deer Camp '86 (2022)

Rating: ***1/2

Starring: Noah LaLonde, Jay J. Bidwell, Arthur Cartwright

The year is 1986 and it's deer season; after spending some time sulking over a nasty breakup, Wes finally decided to get out of the emotional muck and join his friends on a deer hunting trip out in the Michigan wilderness. We see him and the gang already driving to an old hunting lodge with a freshly killed doe strapped on top of their Chevy Suburban, stopping at roadhouse for some directions, drunken shenanigans and, for Wes, a darling attempt for another love life as he flirts with the feisty Native American bartender named Star. A flirt that she seemingly reciprocates.

Unbeknownst to Wes, sadly, their little spark of romance isn't meant for long when Star gets killed behind the bar by an unknown assailant just as the gang's leaving once again for their trip. He wouldn't know about this tragedy until the following morning, when the local sheriff stops by to speak with them about anything they may have known about the murder. Suspiciously enough, the sheriff isn't all too surprised about the death. In fact, this appears to be an occurrence every deer season and it always ends with even more deaths and mutilation. 

And, true enough, once the group continues on with their deer-shooting escapades, something otherworldly begins to take hold of the hunt; fresh kills are found infested with maggots, electronics going haywire with ghostly voices and, most concerning of them all, an animal skull-wearing figure brandishing a tomahawk is seen prowling the woods, hunting the hunters...

Taking cues from slasher classics like Friday The 13th (1980) and The Burning (1981), Deer Camp '86 (2022) approaches its tale of backwoods massacres building around our band of knuckleheads from Detroit first, focusing on their beer-guzzling, rifle-totting misadventures in deer hunting, as well as broodingly hinting the horrors to come. It's a direction that works swell enough with the crafted caricatures filling out our crew; Wes (Noah LaLonde), our defacto leader, has his occasional swing as a sweetheart despite sometimes coming rather bland; Simon (Arthur Cartwright), the token black guy, characterizes himself as the sensible one, thus knowing when to play it safe; J.B. (Brian Michael Raetz), the group drunk, who can be good with a camcorder and a truck given he's not boozed out; Karlos (Josh Dominguez), a war veteran suffering from a serious case of intensity, making him a bit too into the hunt; Buck (Jay J. Bidwell), a large and rotund fella who's quick with the jokes; and poor Egbert (David Lautman), the meek and dorky butt-monkey in his first hunt. Not everyone is written out to be complex or absolutely likeable, but they're loud, brash and often trashed enough to make themselves entertaining and fun, even more so when the jokes and quips these fellas throw out land a good laugh, if not a giggle at least.

As the good times roll, the danger that seems to have latched unto the group would eventually make its move in the flesh after spending a decent run as a brooding presence, or as a creepy ghostly occurrence. Though the kill count is a little low and it's a swig lacking on the creative side, I do dig the killer's get-up of fur cloaks and a large animal's skull, boasting supernatural prowess that easily establishes themselves as a threat. The lore surrounding them is peppered throughout the film, tying in folklore and even some social commentary regarding the ongoing cycle of prejudice and hate, but the gist of it is that this creature is vengeance on two legs. One that comes with a surprise twist reveal, which is then followed up by a rather confusing final shot.

Truth be told, Deer Camp '86 (2022) isn't winning points for innovating the basic slasher plot. It's more of the same campout-gone-wrong deal we've seen plenty by now, albeit not without a few good turns and ideas. I like the beer-fueled comradery of the group and their over-the-top hijinks. I like how the last act is practically a showcase of the slasher being the bigger predator out in the woods. There's room for improvement, no doubt about that, but the end product is still an agreeable B-grade bodycounter. 

Bodycount:

1 female stabbed in the head with a buck knife

1 male killed offscreen, later found disemboweled

1 male hacked on the head with a tomahawk

1 male hacked on the chest with a tomahawk

1 male stabbed in the head with a buck knife

Total: 5

Oh-Mah Goodness: Primal Rage (2018)

Primal Rage (2018) (AKA "Primal Rage: The Legend of Oh-Mah")
Rating: ***
Starring:  Casey Gagliardi, Andrew Joseph Montgomery, Jameson Pazak

Ah, Bigfoot slashers, where my love for bodycounting cross paths with my love for monsters of all shapes and sizes. There's few of them around like the 1980 cheesy backwoods horror Night of the Demon, the 2008 Southernfried Wildman of The Navidad and the 2014 found footage-styled Exists, but now it appears we have a new title for the collection, promising Native American folklore, woodland violence and a Rambo-esque Bigfoot in a mask, wielding a friggin' bow and arrow set!

Fresh out of the slammer, ex-convict Max is picked up by his wife Ashley and their car ride home is anything but calm as they argue about where to go from here for the sake of their troubled marriage and a young son they both dearly love. After stopping by for gas and running into a group of hostile locals, the couple suddenly find themselves in a distressing yet unusual predicament when a mauled man slams unto their car and, whilst calling the police to report the accident, something in the woods begin throwing rocks at them, hitting Max and sending him and his wife down a cliff and into the rapids below.

Somehow surviving this, Max and Ashley end up miles into the woods cold and alone, but in their eventual attempts to make it way back to the road, they encounter again the same locals that antagonized them earlier, who just so happens to be hunting nearby, forming a very uneasy alliance after they agree to help them. (But not before playing the couple around for fools) What all of them doesn't know, however, is that the same creature responsible for the mauled man have been stalking them all this time, bent on dwindling their numbers down in the most painful ways possible.

Coming out as a melting pot of Deliverance (1972), Predator (1987), a Friday the 13th sequel and even Pumpkinhead (1988) with a strong dash of "Redsploitation", Primal Rage (2018) can either be a fun mish-mash or an overambitious mess that led to same old "same old" backwoods slasher romp, depending on whose eyes will be viewing it.

For the right audience, there's plenty to enjoy from Primal Rage; the gore comes strong and early with a neat looking human road kill and, after a few scenes of backwoods walking and surviving courtesy of our two main casts, we're soon treated to more human casualties as our creature goes Rambo on the local hicks with knives, axes and the aforementioned bow-and-arrow, done in lovely latex and corn syrup practical effects. The creature himself, named Oh-Mah, also looks wonderfully done with an impressive design and concept, first appearing as a hairy juggernaut clad in tree bark armor and mask like a classic masked slasher, before going full ape cryptid on us in the third act. The make-up work done for this monster are just awesome and I like how they gave it a rather unique (albeit cliched) nearly-supernatural backdrop that allows it to possess some human characteristics such as the ability to use weapons, hide possible evidences of his rampage (like leftover meat) and even bear a warped-up motive, making this incarnation of the cryptid less of an animal and more of a menace.

There's also some good human tension before the monstrous massacre, first between our husband and wife before shifting focus to them going toe to toe against a pack of strangers. These scenes work for me as not only it gave us a couple of protagonists with a level of depth (read, "a" level) but they also allow us to root for their survival a tad easier as it clearly shows these two are not prepared for any of this to happen, even more than your usual backwoods slasher victims. My gripe to this is that some factors to these developments were not fully explored, such as the crime that lead Max in jail in the first place, as well as their time before said crime was made. For a film that nearly ran two hours, a few of those minutes could have been  used better covering these aspects, especially with how much it is hinted for a good part of the movie.

Further issues I have with Primal Rage is that it more or less lost its steam at the third act, with nearly all disposable characters murdered gruesomely by then and one of our protagonists gets abducted for "mating purposes." (yes, this is the second bodycounter I get to see feature Bigfoot getting down and dirty on some poor unsuspecting lass. For the first, please shift your attention to Night of the Demon (1980)) The climax hobbles tediously long on a non-believing Native American-born sheriff trying to get back to its roots to fully understand the threat that keeps killing his people, which clumsily (and psychedelically) adds very little to what was already established, nor did I find any of it to be all that important and/or make any sense, but at least the final fight between Oh-Mah and Max was worth the momentary headache and the kinda groan-inducing twist reveal later that has the word "sequel" written all over it.

For all its good moments and bad ones, Primal Rage could have been worse. It's definitely lacking at some department, but the overall result is still a slick, impressive-looking monster/slasher hybrid that deserves some of the praises it is getting, and too a few criticisms along the way. So if you're anything like me and loves a good bodycounting beasty with a fair amount of gore and guts, then I heartily recommend this picture.

Bodycount:
1 male hit by a car, dies from maul wounds
1 male shot through the neck with an arrow
1 male pinned to a tree through the neck with a shot arrow, head thumbed and pulped
1 male decapitated with a hatchet
1 male shot through the mouth with an arrow
1 male shot with a hunting rifle
1 male had his throat cut with a dagger
1 male had his jaw ripped apart, head stomped
1 male cut open with a knife, disemboweled
1 male had his throat mauled open
1 creature had his head pulped with a rock
1 male shot dead with arrows
Total: 12

Short Shear Terror: Within The Woods (1978)

Within The Woods (1978)
Rating: **1/2
Starring: Bruce Campbell, Ellen Sandweiss, Mary Valenti

When it comes to the Evil Dead franchise, I can only recall fond memories around it as I grew up to the man I am today, a horror junkie with a passion for gore and masked maniacs!

I'm sure that's an eye hanging by the socket there...
At least, I think so.

While I did saw snippets of the films as a toddler, I have my first full Evil Dead experience when my dad borrowed an imported DVD from an office friend and let me watch it one Friday night alone when I was twelve or thirteen. (My family can be weird like that) Obviously, the gore was intense for a wee child but it did spark my interest for the rest of the franchise, following it with Evil Dead II when I managed to snag a VCD copy during my 15 birthday and then completing the film trilogy with Army of Darkness via cable one Saturday night some years later. (I had to thank my mum for that one!)

In a way, the franchise also helped me fill a geeky void during my high school years, introducing me to horror franchising and influences as I looked up the Necronomicon and found about its Lovecraftian origins (in turn, introducing me to Lovecraftian horror), as well as opened the floodgates of comics and horror-based video games as I began reading Dynamite Entertainment's Army of Darkness comic series and at least made aware of the Evil Dead video games.

It was around that time that I also found out about Within the Woods, AKA the proto-type Evil Dead. Reading about it online made me curious and egging to see it but that being the time Youtube was still in its baby steps or non-existing, I can only picture what the short was like...

Until, like many titles here, I got into college; by then, I probably exposed myself to over 100 slasher titles or so, hence I do have a slight idea and reason why I am covering this here short.

Is it me, or does this cabin look bigger in the outside?

Plot-wise, Within The Woods kinda reminds me of movies like Scalps (1983) and Ghost Dance (1980), wherein individuals get possessed and turned into killers after disturbing an ancient native American burial ground. Woods is exactly that, except with two teenage couples relaxing in a cabin deep in the forest, one pair deciding to stay behind to play Monopoly (?!) while the other pair venture out for a picnic. Said picnicking couple finds a ceremonial dagger while digging for a fire pit, angering an ancient evil which proceeds to murder the boyfriend (Played by Bruce Campbell) and turning him into a gory, bloodthirsty revenant.

The rest of the short runs like your standard slasher climax: girl gets chased back into the cabin, zombie boyfriend returns to start murdering whoever is left breathing, final girl remains to fight off and kill her former lover, cliffhanger ending. I guess it is pretty useless to complain about the production quality seeing Within the Woods was made sometime around the late 70s with a mediocre budget ($1,600, if my sources are right) before being nearly forgotten, but if one would try to forget that this is the supposed stepping stone for the first Evil Dead movie and simply look at it as a short film, it is criminally terrible.

It's hardly visible with its terrible lighting, the script is simplistically cheesy and the plot is pretty non-existent, but I feel that this movie will cater more to fans and probably the few with the patience of a forgiving God, as its concept is still pretty fun in its plainness and the gore effects (those that we can see) look terrifyingly intense despite the low budget. I guess it's grindhouse quality helps ease any dissatisfaction I have with Within the Woods, fueling me with a strong sense of nostalgia that's enough to overlook most of its flaws and just see it as a nearly lost piece of horror cinema so, in a way, this short did okay. Just okay.

Bottomline, Within the Woods is almost terrible, but as a forerunner to The Evil Dead, one of the most epic horror franchise out there? Worthwhile baby steps, people. Worthwhile baby steps...

Bodycount:
1 male found slaughtered
1 female stabbed on the throat with a dagger
1 male knifed on the gut, later found slaughtered
Total: 3

Here Come The Furies: Savaged (2013)

Savaged (AKA Avenged, Ravaged) (2014)
Rating: ****1/2
Starring: Amanda Adrienne, Tom Ardavany, Ronnie Gene Blevins

You know what I hate in life? Intolerant extremists. May it be of gender, religion, or race, I tolerate all but the intolerant, especially racists rapists. With that said, you can tell how much I adore this gleefully fun revenge thriller, blood, guts and all.

On a state-long car ride to live with her boyfriend Dane, hearing-impaired Zoe sees herself in an awry situation when she tries to rescue a chased native American from a pick-up truck full of redneck hooligans. Sadly, the punks caught up, murder the poor fellow and capture Zoe to rape, torture and, when she tried to escape, murder her ultimately.

Her body is then buried in a shallow grave that one night, only to be eventually discovered by an old Native American witch doctor who tries to resurrect her. (Good karma, I guess) The spell worked, but the soul of a killed and vengeful Apache warrior tagged along and possesses Zoe's body as well, with plans of using her to avenge his death against the ancestor of the man that killed him. (which, by luck, was the guy who raped Zoe)

One by one, the hicks fall dead at the hands of their own victim, which escalates drastically when Dane shows up in town looking for his girlfriend and ends up kidnapped by the rednecks with plans of using him as bait; this sets both Zoe and the fallen warrior out for a bloody showdown against those who wronged them and to save an innocent life.

While marketed as a rape and revenge thriller, Savaged is much closer to the likes of The Crow, focusing less on the exploitation nature of rape movies and more on the character development and buckets of gooey gore to satisfy horror hounds. And though there are moments where it can be a bit cheesy, the story has tone, being both somber and, surprisingly, hopeful, going well along side-to-side with the beautiful cinematography and a skilled pacing that took its time to build around its characters.

The casts done an amazing job portraying their roles, particularly Amanda Adrienne as our lead, Zoe; Since she is supposed to be deaf, her screen time consists of strong body motion to express her plight and exhaust from being exploited, murdered and then revived to a state that she wasn't prepared for. Even before she gets in this predicament, the character's hearing handicap felt little like just an excuse to make her sympathetic, but more of a state she is going through and will do anything to prove to the world she can do more despite having it. More the reason to root and feel for her.

From time to time, she gets possessed by the Apache warrior, who dishes out the coolest and goriest murders one would find in a revenge thriller. Guts be pulled, heads will roll, and topped off with a chainsaw fight between a hick and a supernaturally empowered woman, all done with 90% traditional, non-CG effects, which is always a plus for my bodycounters.

Said would-be corpses also pass their own interesting take on cliched characters. They're not cartoonish stereotypes, but simple jerks and racist hicks who are just begging to get what's coming to them. Rodney Rowland as Trey and Tom Ardavany as West are two sides of the hick coin; while Trey is boisterous and the most jerkish of the bunch, West is intimidatingly calm and and orders his crew with a knife hidden, taking his time to strike.

Of course, there were more thespians tossed in the lion's pit for the sake of kill count but some of them were there for a reason. May it be to avenge a fallen son or awaiting to be killed cuz they were aware of who's residing underneath Zoe's body, they all fall under the tomahawk's edge.

The only flaw I can see here, and the one most viewers will agree, is that some CG shots looked weird and shows how much was spent for the movie. On the upside of this, it also shows how much skill writer and director Michael S. Ojeda have for genre flicks and, with the proper budget, would probably ended up with the next indie hit since Halloween (1978)!

Ending with a bittersweet finale, the resulting product is a thriller with a well-placed supernatural overtone, splashy gore, a fitting love story and bad guys getting their just desserts. Believe the hype, Savaged is one for the shrine. A video shrine!

Bodycount:
1 male ran over with a truck
1 male stabbed to death with a hunting knife
1 male stabbed on the eye with a broken pool stick
1 male disemboweled with a broken bottle, killed
1 male slaughtered offcamera
1 male shot to death with arrows
1 male impaled through the head with a thrown spear
1 male beheaded with a tomahawk
1 male slaughtered offcamera
1 male hanged and gutted
1 male hacked with a thrown tomahawk, heart cut out
1 male found dead with wrist cuts
1 female hacked with a tomahawk
1 male decapitated with a tomahawk
1 female set on fire
Total: 15

Hell hath no fury like a woman and a native scorned

Night of the Chunky Seminole: Hell Glades (2013)

Hell Glades (AKA "Bikini Swamp Girl Massacre" ) (2013)

Rating: 1/2

Starring: Aiden Dillard, Deborah Funes, Belkys Galvez

Strange things are abound at a Florida evergreen campsite as some campers are getting brutally hacked to death by a random tomahawk-wielding Native American. Those who survived the attacks are taken by him, Coowahchohee, a Seminole indian warrior of legends (at least in his own mind), who sets his eyes on making them his brides. When they couldn't cut it, Coowachohee decides to prey a gang of bikini-clad college girls vacationing at the same evergreens.

Least to say, Hell Glades (2013) is a pretty darn honest movie; it's a dumb slasher full of dumb people who're doomed to die at the hands of a disappointingly dumb maniac who we can easily tell to be anything but supernatural (as many characters in this movie seem to believe) seeing his lair is nothing but a trailer parked in the middle of a backwoods opening. The plot is as thin as Japanese paper and littered with so many rushed editing that you can't help but feel rushed yourself, with almost nothing of interest building on its run.

The cheese is high, however, so it goes on without repeating that the movie's corny dialogue and underacting will surely find an audience. The kills wouldn't impress any hardcore slasher fan but if they are open to tomfoolery such as this then it is their funeral.

Distributed by Troma as Bikini Swamp Girl Massacre, this uneventful bodycounter leaves an unimpressive mark that smells like a fat guy's sweaty jockstrap. Hell, even the rare yet dull Demon Warrior (1988) is a lot better than this so heed my warning, dear readers: watch in risk of boredom!

Bodycount:
1 male hacked with a tomahawk
1 female hacked to death with a tomahawk
1 male hacked on the shoulder with a tomahawk
1 male shot dead (flashback)
1 female hacked open with a tomahawk (flashback)
1 female hacked on the neck with a tomahawk (flashback)
1 female hacked on the chest with a tomahawk, heart removed
1 female hacked on the back with a tomahawk, spine ripped off
1 female beheaded with a scythe
1 female hacked on the chest with a tomahawk
1 male crushed inside a toppling van
1 female hacked to death with a tomahawk

1 female corpse found

1 female hacked with a tomahawk

Total: 14

Another Old Indian Burial Kind: Demon Warrior (1988)

Demon Warrior (1988)
Rating: **1/2
Starring:  Wiley M. Pickett, Leslie Mullin, Jon Langione

Hmm, Native American slashers. A few bunch but always workable.

Mostly supernatural in tone, notable gems under this slasher sub-type include the 1983 slow-burner gore-fest Scalps and the low-brow but effectively atmospheric 1982 The Ghost Dance; interestingly, both are completely in contrast with one another in terms of direction and gore level but each were special in their own rights. Others do exists but didn't quite get as much audience recognition as the two aforementioned titles, such as this late 80s entry Demon Warrior (1988), a title so obscure, I had to look for it in the deepest bowels of cyberspace and risked my computer of a virus attack.

A group of five friends venture out to the middle of Texan woods wherein the locals try to avoid as they believe it is jinxed with a death curse. That for every ten years, a Demon Warrior will appear on a mission to murder anyone they can grab hold on to.  As routine, none of these peeps believe the story and they took advantage of the isolation caused by this superstition to have the entire place for themselves and party. Of course, they eventually find out that the curse is real as a demon-headed killer does show up with murder in their mind.

So, with a particularly basic plot point like that, I have to keep my expectations low. Unfortunately, even at that level of a mindset, Demon Warrior (1988) fails to bring anything entirely worthwhile for my viewing; although done with a fair budget, the film is never anywhere as exciting or as gruesome as the likes of, let's say, Scalps (1983), perhaps the only Native American horror flick to embrace the slasher formula by heart. The film lacks any effective flow or tone, being too quick in its pacing to either fully develop its characters or let them wallow in their near-isolated state to help settle some effective atmosphere.

Aside from the direction, another aspect that killed any rule of suspense is that the culprit was revealed too soon, monster head, loin cloth and all, offing a few random bypassers who just happens to be at the wrong place at the wrong time. I admit though that I like the killer's cheap but inventive design, but it never have a true menacing presence to make the film anymore memorable, which I blame on the its uninspired and gore-lite killing spree. (As a bit of a spoiler, he got rid off quite easily, too. Not to reveal much but it involves some Native American juju)

Still, I can't dismiss this as a bad film, just uninspired. When it hits you at the right time, Demon Warrior (1988) can be a passable dreck with an easy to digest story that checks away everything we know and possibly love in a slasher movie; to think, though, with a sizable budget they would at least hype up the gore or weld out a more effective script to make up with its lack of originality, but I guess we can't have everything done right.

A nearly forgotten but purely rentable piece of post-80s horror; nothing to boast, nothing to fear, deserves a look whenever you can find it.

Bodycount:
2 males killed offscreen
1 male drove off a cliff, immolated in car explosion
1 female gutted with hunting knife
1 male shot through the chest with arrow
1 male shot on the chest with arrow
1 male gets a tomahawk to the head, scalped
1 male shot on the chest with arrow
Total: 8

Beware the Chooper (Not a Typo): Blood Shack (1971)

Blood Shack (1971) (AKA "Blood Monster", "Curse of the Evil Spirit", "The Chooper")
Rating: **1/2
Starring: Carolyn Brandt, Ron Haydock, Jason Wayne

A better effort from the same guy who made the mindbogglingly boring The Hollywood Strangler Meets the Skidrow Slasher (1979) and it's "sequel" The Las Vegas Serial Killer (1986), Blood Shack is a near-hour long horror film about a dilapidated house (supposedly a 150 year old "historical monument") that seems to be the home of a sword wielding maniac dubbed as "The Chooper".

Protecting this secret is one hick groundskeeper who tries his best to keep anyone off the house, but as any doomsayers in these kind of films would have it, his warnings fall to deaf ears and he has no choice but to rid the place of the bodies from The Chooper's killing sprees. Not that he minds, actually, as he seems to be more than willing to bury these corpses and let the manic swordsman do murder.

When Carol Brandt (cheaply named cuz the actress playing her is also called Carolyne Brandt!), a washed-up starlet, inherits the farm, things got a little more random; narrated by her, she begins to share to us her experiences with the barn, from the good, the bad and everything randomly in-between including the crazed groundskeeper believing that the Chooper is a being of vengeance concocted out of Native American hoodoo, to that of a rival rancher who keeps pushing her to sell the land. Paste in random shots of rodeo and more narrated footages for the sake of making look like as if it's a part of the plot, and we get fillers to go along with more of Chooper's murderous mayhem.

As a proto-slasher, it's not all that great; the supposed supernatural menace that is The Chooper is anything but terrifying with his black bodysuit and constant yelping that sounds more like "Lady Leatherface's" from Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation, nor does it make the whole supernatural angle of the killer that convincing. Gore is absent and instead replaced with cheap looking red paint disguised as stab wounds, but at least the sun-lit murder set pieces brings out an unnatural and trippy look to the already convoluted storyline.

For all honesty's sake, Blood Shack is a bad movie that never really felt like it had a story to begin with as it spends most of its short running time interchangeably showing us either a badly-acted murder of a random, stubborn victim, or an equally random footage with poor acting and/or lined with Brandt's own uninspired-sounding narration, usually in a repeating pattern. The cheap budget shines through and through for that matter, although this kinda gives the movie an authentic grindhouse feel that might be a pro for those who loves to collect gritty and unheard 70s exploitation flicks. (Not that the dated looking wardrobe and inept looking camera work isn't helping from the start)

If cheese and unintentional comic is what you want however, Blood Shack counts off every element of a good "bad movie" and befit one. The film never felt that serious and it may not be the most experienced-looking proto-slasher out there (and I'm putting my money that this is the only reason why this film is so obscure) but its strangeness could double as its own charm, as fans of weird cinema can get a good kick out of the steadily paced, low-budget B-flick.

Not straightly recommendable, but feel free to enter the haunted bowels of a pre-Texas Chainsaw Massacre Texas and see the seemingly failed yet hilariously threat that is The Chooper. If you dare!

Bodycount:
1 female stabbed to death with sword
1 male killed with sword
1 male stabbed on the throat with sword, slashed to death
1 male stabbed with sword
1 male dies from a sword stab on the gut
Total: 5

Some Ugly Zombie in a Backwoods of Nowhere: Twisted Nightmare (1987)

Twisted Nightmare (1987) (AKA "Ancient Evil")
rating: *1/2
starring:  Rhonda Gray, Cleve Hall, Robert Padilla

You know, that's enough of an open space
to just drop and roll and save yourself, buddy...

Didn't we already went through this one already? It sortah felt like we did. Like seeing an entire decade of everything we know about a slasher film vaccum-packed into one tedious and uninspired movie. And how uninspired is this you ask? Well, let's go through the movie's plot then, shall we?

Here we have a group of stereotyped teenage campers (like any backwoods slashers) who decided to take a weekend break on a cabin in the woods, only to be warned off by an Native American groundskeeper of evil things. In turns, some of these kids were here in these very woods before some time ago, when a mentally challenged brother of one of the girls, after being teased around, winds up burned alive by an unknown force, but no body was found!

Turns out that the camp was built atop an ancient Indian burial ground, and an evil force had chosen said autistic to be its vessel of death or something. Some campers go missing while other campers have sex or buy supplies, and then said other campers return and took their time to realize that some of their friends are missing. (but are really dead) Some of them braves to go into the woods to look for the others, most of them, however, gets killed by zombified monster that growls like that grizzly bear from the movie Grizzly (1976). Routinely, the remaining teens tries to fight and survive, cue twist here, more last minute slasher movie antics there. The end.


With that two paragraphs alone, I already saw Friday the 13th, The Burning, Madman, Superstition, and Scalps/Ghostdance as some of the many "influences" of this movie; so if you're a complete slasher film completist like myself, you don't need to a rocket scientist to know what will happen in one scene to the next. As I mentioned, its really nothing more than every slasher film made in the 80s done with an incredibly amount of sloppy cheese, lifelessly bad scripting, awful editing (which ends up with the movie running -sorry, crawling- at a sluggish pace) and extremely cheap special effects. It's done by the book, yes, and slasher fans would always appreciate that, but with so much elements in one movie and directed so ineptly, it lacked something that would set it apart and instead ends up with something completely pointless in terms of existing.

In fact, why was this even made if we can rent any backwoods and/or Angry Native slasher films out there and experience the same (or better) blood works that this film offers? It's old hat, that's what it is, even for a slasher film. The kills, the epitome of said horror-subgenre, aren't even worth the penny they're spent on since they're done away already, thus barely making up with all the flaws this film have! If it's anything, the only thing worth pointing out positively about this movie is that the barn used in the film was the same barn Jason got hanged, dismembered a biker and gets his head split with an axe in Friday the 13th Part 3D! So...yay?

Nay, this is definitely lowest one would scrape in a barrel looking for a good movie. Hardcore collectors would still want it, and too, those who values this for nostalgic reason, but if you're completely masochistic or high on something (or on a lot of things), then feel free to choke on Twisted Nightmare and I wish you a good life.

Bodycount:
1 male burned alive (dream)
1 female hanged
1 male arm torn off
1 female killed offscreen
1 male clawed on the throat
1 male set ablaze
1 male and 1 female skewered together with metal beam
1 female head crushed with hammer
1 male forced face-first unto hot sauna rocks
1 male head split with shovel
1 male head torn off
1 male electrocuted
1 female impaled through mounted deer antlers
1 male pinned to the wall with a pitchfork to the gut
1 male and 1 female immolated in house explosion
total: 17

Bone-Jangle's Bodycount Boodaloo~!: Skeleton Man (2004)

Skeleton Man (2004)
Rating: *1/2
Starring:  Jackie Debatin, Eric Etebari, Jonathon Klein

Check it: from the video company Nu-Images, who brought us cleverly titled films such as "Spiders", "Crocodile" and "Mosquito", comes the Marty Sue of all slasher villains: SKELETON MAN!


they were fucking serious...

We start the movie with a pair of archaeologists cleaning up some jars they dug up, only to be attacked by the titular killer five minutes into the running time. One guy gets axed on the chest and the other runs for her life, somewhat leading the Skeleton Man to a bunch of construction workers where he proceeds to kill all off no sooner. One lifted-and-then-he's-dead guy later, he finally slays off the last archaeologist.

We then shift to daylight some days later, where we suddenly have some guys from the army getting killed off for still no specific reason by the Skeleton Man. And then another set of weeks later, we have yet another group of eight soldiers forming a search and rescue team, looking for previously mentioned army guys, falling prey to the same skellington dude one by one, but not before meeting up a random Native American who tells them the story of a native warrior named Cotton Mouth Joe. As he puts it, Joe slaughtered some tribe years ago and may have been cursed to be our Skeleton Man (or some shit), though I seriously doubt that guy has anything to do with Mr. Bone head out there since the killer looks more like a medieval agent of death (horse back riding, fancy sword and all) rather than a Cherokee warrior in a loin cloth.

How the shit are you related with a medieval-looking
skellington?!

So, fifteen to twenty minutes into the film, our kill count had gone around double digits, mostly consisting of random army guys, flashbacks and other assorted bystanders; by the time our troop encounters the ever elusive Skeleton Man, they find out that his bony hide is impenetrable to bullets, teleports through wobbly-looking portals, can pull out a wide array of weapons out of his cloak, has superhuman strength and accuracy, as he seems to have no problem shooting an arrow and hitting a helicopter to send it crashing down to its doom, but still, that ain't stopping these guys from shooting the killer, over and over and over and over and over and -fuck it, you get the point.


Just glad Rooker did Slither two years later...

Around the end, we, again, have another massacre and another prolonged stop-and-shoot fight between a surviving soldier (Michael Rooker) and the supernatural killer; they try to make it as if a chemical explosion was enough to kill the skull headed killer, but we know damn well that skinny dude can outlive that.

And he did. Thus leaving the film open for a possible follow-up. Yay for my part? Sadly, I would say Nay!


The film has its blood and guts on the right place,
just missing some brains...

For something so enthusiastic on killing a lot of people, Skeleton Man actually threw out too much of the logic and plot for the sake of entertainment, to the point that it's just too dumb and shallow to be even enjoyed by a seasoned slasher fan. Or any horror fan for that matter! The film is uber cheap, from casting, effects (save for that hammer kill involving a girl's head exploding in impact) and camera work, but I would really like to emphasize more on the story for this matter as nothing in this film makes sense; why is there a horse-riding skeleton roaming around the forest in the first place? And is that "Cotton Mouth Joe" Bullshit really related to this guy? Why is there a power plant in the middle of the forest? Why are they calling it a jungle if it's really a forest? Why did that one guy starts to bleed furiously after the killer just hoisted him in the air? I mean, seriously, on that latter, what's the heck?

I would whole-heartily advice you to stay away from this one unless you're very drunk, very high, mentally challenged, suicidal (As watching this movie will surely make you lose hope for mankind) or just the kind of guy (or gal) who loves cheap, brainless horror movies that you can catch in cable TV. (Or ten bucks from Best Buy!) I'm sure you'll be proud of yourself...

Bodycount:
1 male axe to the chest
1 male found with an axe buried into his chest
1 male hoisted in the air and killed, arm cut off with sword
1 female slashed with sword
1 male caught in explosion
1 male ran through with spear, scalp torn off
1 male killed offscreen
1 male killed offscreen
1 male shot on the back with arrow
1 male shot on the back with arrow
1 male slashed with sword
1 male slashed with sword
1 male decapitated with sword
1 female skewered through with spear
1 male brained with hammer (flashback)
1 male brained with hammer (flashback)
1 male slashed by the mouth with axe (flashback)
1 male slashed with dagger (flashback)
1 boy slashed with dagger (flashback)
1 male gets an axe to the back (flashback)
1 elderly male slashed with dagger (flashback)
1 male gut sliced with spear (flashback)
1 male pinned to the earth with spear (flashback)
1 male shot with arrow (flashback)
1 male shot on the chest with arrow
1 female skewered with spear
1 male had his gut cut open with axe
1 male ran through with spear
1 male decapitated with axe
1 male slashed to death with spear
1 male shot on the chest with arrow, falls to his death
1 male immolated in crashed helicopter
1 male slashed to death with spear
1 female had her head pulped with hammer
1 male hacked to death with axe
1 male hacked with axe
1 male thrown off the floor
1 male gets a dagger to the gut
1 male axed on the back
A number of people immolated in chemical explosion
1 male slashed with sword
Total: 40+

Hotdog Bulletproof Vests: White of The Eye (1987)

White of the Eye (1987)
Rating: ***1/2
Starring:  David Keith, Cathy Moriarty, Alan Rosenberg

Somewhat slasher-esque in some perspective, White of the Eye takes the sensibilities of a pre-90s drama thriller with elements from a pure breed slasher film in one bizarre tale of a love, death and high-pitched sounds.

In Arizona, rich women are being killed off in their homes by a gloved psychopath, leaving little clues save the savagery of the attacks. One of the individuals suspected responsible is Paul White (David Keith from the original Firestarter (1984)), a Hi-Fi system installer frequently hired for his unique skill to emit a high-pitch noise that helps him see the best spots in his client's houses to install his audio systems. He was seen with one of the victims prior and, as it turns out, White has a history of violent tendencies, but his wife Joan (Cathy Moriarty from the black comedy Neighbors (1981)) insists to the authorities that Paul had nothing to do with the murder.

Things escalates further when Joan meet with her ex-boyfriend Mike DeSantos (Alan Rosenberg of the TV series Chicago Hope fame) who's happy to see her again but fears for her safety, hinting he knew something about White that Joan doesn't know. All the while, Paul develops a habit of cheating on his wife, an act that Joan quickly found out, forcing her to try and frame the recent murders to her husband as revenge. But when the truth began to twist further and lives are continued to be taken, it soon leads to a vicious fight for survival for those who are truly innocent as well as for those who are sick in the head.

White of the Eye is a stylish study between the coexistence of with ranging psychotic tendencies. With themes like paranoia, madness and perspectives, it's easy to see that the movie is another Western take on the 70s Italian Gialli sub-genre, beginning with a very stylized murder where the brutality of the violence was heavily implied with slo-mo sequences of broken glass, non-blood red liquids being spilled and cuts of imagery symbolizing struggle. (such as a fish out of water, dying)

After this, White of the Eye then slows down to focus more on its characters, though it's a tough say if one can take the casts seriously as they can be laughable to watch, strangle fitting with the tone of the entire movie however. This is actually where the hard parts come in; albeit the fact that the movie has a very sullen and serious tone to it, White of the Eye has it's moments where it shifts mood from serious to downright unsettling and strange, walking in a fractured timeline as we venture back and forth into the past and then back to the present, as if the movie tries to stay true with the idea of character perceptions and tries to put us into the place of the killer, or at least to those who were struggling to understand them.

I like to see this film as a one of those "thinking man's horror", where it raises some questions for you to answer and figure out, but it answers very little, and for those who're looking for a fun, brainless thriller, they might not just get it at all. Then again, the seemingly random quirks and ideas we have around the killer and the plot itself might as well be this film's own way of getting into our skin. The less we understand the movie, the more it is unnaturally creepy for the common people, despite, ironically, the actual story of the movie is really easy to understand in paper, nothing more than about a coping serial killer beginning to lose his mind.

As White of the Eye's primary focuses are tone and creepiness, body-counters will be solely disappointed by this movie's low death count. But patient slasher enthusiasts will definitely find the worthwhile murders and the film's climax to be at least inventive and tributes enough to the hack-and-slash genre. With this being said, I can't be sure if a movie's worth recommending if its direction is as muddled and confusing as this title, but White of The Eye is enough of an attention grabber for those yearning for something entirely different (and challenging), and rare enough for an avid collector not to resist. Dare to try, if you can find it...

Bodycount:
1 female had her head bashed through a microwave
1 female drowned in bathtub
1 dog shot with automatic rifle
1 male shot on the face with automatic rifle
1 male decimated with dynamite
total: 5

Scalping good time: Scalps (1983)

Scalps (1983)

Rating: ***1/2

Starring: Jo-Ann Robinson, Richard Hench and Roger Maycock

When a film opens with an ugly killer demon doing topless aerobics and decapitating a random feller behind a black screen, you can tell you are in for a weird, if not a cheese-filled ride.

In the middle of a hot desert, an old pick-up truck stops by. Its driver, an old coot, makes his way to a cave and starts brushing off the sand from a few buried antiques, an action that apparently anger the spirits coz the next thing you know, a ghostly face possesses the coot's hand and he begins slicing his own neck.

Cuts to a university in Nowhereville, USA, where a group of students are preparing for an archaeological dig at the same desert. The problem however is that their dig is unauthorized and their professor can’t go on with them in fear of getting caught by the boards. Normally in a situation like this, the students could have just postponed the trip, wait until the dig is approved and party while they’re at it. But seeing this is a horror movie, they ditch logic and went on anyway under the advice of their professor.

One brief and spoiler-filled "there's a death curse, don't go in there" scene at a gas station later, the group soon made it to a location known as the Black Trees, where hundreds of Native Americans were buried along with their belongings, ripe for the picking by these students. But when one of them starts to feel funny about the place, visions of lion-headed men, evil chanting heard from nowhere, and fire that doesn't burn ignites, it’s all too clear that a risen warrior has returned and took possession of one of them, forcing them to kill their friends in grisly, gory and lovably red fashion.

Scalps falls into deep obscurity after a small run in theaters during its release, but eventually grows into a cult classic for reasons of bright red kills and a well-made tone of isolation since the first Hills Have Eyes (1977).

Watching the film for the first time can be a very tedious job, however, as not only there’s barely any action going on during the first hour or so, but the whole archaeological build-up fails to be interesting with its muddled dialogue and cheesy script accompanying it, and too a lot of badly lit scenes and amateur acting. But after the sluggish ordeal, Scalps finally kick things up as a cold fire suddenly explodes at some guy’s face, apparently possessing him with an ancient spirit known as "Black Claw" and giving him a bloodlust for scalps.

In contrast to most Native American slashers, such as Ghost Dance (1980) which focused more on the mysticism of the tribes, Scalps only hinted the tribe’s mythology and focused more on atmosphere and gore. Featuring a near barren desert, the film puts good use to the isolated feeling one would get from a desert, being literally miles away from any known and living civilization thus devoid of any outside help. This tone gets a big and splashy pay off as, in some sort of tribute to earlier nasties like Maniac (1980) and Friday the 13th (1980), the film features splatter film-worthy mutilations like an impacted tomahawk bashing, arrow shots, beheadings and, for title’s sake, a scalping, complete with squishy sounds, much to the delight of gorehounds everywhere. 

Albeit not an entire masterpiece, Scalps is a "bad movie" that, despite its pacing and build-up issue, has a worthwhile cheesy charm and creep factor. Not necessarily for everybody but if you can stomach strong fondue then this should be right up your alley.

Bodycount:

1 male had his throat slashed with knife

1 female had her neck slit with a dagger, scalped

1 male had the back of his head bashed open with tomahawk 

1 female shot to death with arrows

1 male shot on the head with a rifle

1 male decapitated with axe

1 male shot on the eye with an arrow
total: 7