WARNING: THIS BLOG CONTAINS BODYCOUNT. HIGH RISK OF SPOILERS. ENTER IF YOU DARE.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Torn Felt: The Puppet Monster Massacre (2011)


The Puppet Monster Massacre
rating:***1/2
starring: Steve Rimpici, Bart Flynn and Ethan Holey

It's 1985 and a Neo-Nazi by the name of Dr. Wolfgang Wagner is plotting a revenge scheme against those who have caused a tragic accident back during WWII and it involves his perfect killing machine, made from the genes of every dangerous animals there is, as well as the darkest demons of hell, a monster hellbent on devouring the lowest known life forms on earth: TEENAGERS!

If you let your kids see this, I blame you as a bad parent!
We now shift our attention to Charlie, our hero whose basic description includes him being "one giant pussy", and his on-and-off girlfriend Gwen who despite knowing Charlie has no balls, still hangs out with him. Joining them are the rest of the doomed thespians, goth punk couple Iggy and Mona, and overall geeky horror junkie Raimi, as each of them receives a letter claiming that they won a chance to inherit a million smackers if they "survive" the night inside a creepy mansion, owned none other than Dr. Wagner and his adorable penguin sidekick, Squiggums.

 H. R. Giger, be proud...
The film is divided in two parts, the first being your standard slasher film with a sci-fi/monster twist as the titular puppet monster stalks and murders young nubile felt with much gory fashion never before done onscreen since Peter Jackson's Meet The Feebles. It wasn't long before there's only two of the cast were left, one escaping and bringing in a cavalry of soldiers, eventually living up to the bloodshed.

...It feels weird...
Overall, The Puppet Monster Massacre has its ups and downs; on technical sides, there are times when the voice acting can be a bit off, more evidently with the female casts as they sounded a bit sullen compared to the livelier and more characterized male voices. Then there's the few moments that the audio suddenly glitches, which thankfully doesn't dent the film that much, entertainment-wise.

Some of the jokes are also a hit-or-miss, with a few running gags that personally got me chuckling, most notably one involving Raimi getting shocked by something obscured in the screen before revealing to us as no more than a mundane object (a rock, a table and a tree to name a few...). Other oddities include the obscure "puppet sex" which I find both funny and disturbing, and the sudden tone shift from teen horror to scifi-monster-action that had countless soldiers dying at the bloody maw of the now hundred foot tall monster and the adorable penguin.

D'aww... until it goes homicidal...
As much as obscurity goes, so long as it is blessed with blood, sex and mind-numbing nonsense, it's bound to make my night livelier than it should be. The Puppet Monster Massacre got that fire burning through, as a strange and artistic take on a teen horror parody. This is one devil not to be missed and recommended for those with a funny bone to spare!

bodycount:
1 male had baby creature burst out of his mouth
1 bunny rabbit ravaged and devoured
1 bunny rabbit ravaged offscreen
1 male had his head ravaged and devoured
1 male had his head sliced in half
1 female killed offscreen, (massive) blood splash seen
A number of males were gunned down in flashback
1 female gunned in half with automatics (flashback)
1 male killed offscreen
1 male killed offscreen
1 male slashed
1 male impaled by splinters
1 male had his head impaled with splinters
4 males clawed
1 male beheaded
2 males clawed headless
1 male nearly beheaded
1 male sliced in half
1 male clawed headless
1 male had his face clawed off
1 male had a mutant penguin ran through him
1 male had his face slashed open
4 males accidentally gunned down
6 males ran over by creature
1 male beheaded
1 male clawed and thrown
1 male clawed and thrown
1 male crushed by thrown body
1 male beheaded
1 male sliced in half
1 male beheaded
2 males accidentally blown apart by grenade launcher
1 male crushed by falling burning debris
2 males killed offscreen
2 males seen on fire
(presumably more soldiers were killed by this point)
1 female shot on the head
1 monster had its head blown off with tank
1 male gunshot to eye (?)
total: 54+

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