Some Ugly Zombie in a Backwoods of Nowhere: Twisted Nightmare (1987)

Twisted Nightmare (1987) (AKA "Ancient Evil")
rating: *1/2
starring:  Rhonda Gray, Cleve Hall, Robert Padilla

You know, that's enough of an open space
to just drop and roll and save yourself, buddy...

Didn't we already went through this one already? It sortah felt like it. Kinda like seeing an entire decade of everything we know about a slasher film vaccum-packed into one tedious and uninspired movie. And how uninspired is this you ask? Well, let's go through the movie's plot then, shall we?

We have here a group of stereotyped, teenage campers (like any backwoods slashers) who decided to take a weekend break on a cabin in the woods, only to be warned off by an Native American groundskeeper who warns them of evil things. Turns out some of them were been here before, and the mentally challenged brother of one of the girls, after being teased around, winds up burnt by an unknown force, but no body was found!

Turns camp was built atop an ancient Indian burial ground, and an evil force had chosen said autistic to be its vessel of death or something. Campers gone missing while other campers go have sex or buy supplies, said other campers returns and does surprsingly little of the missing-but-is-really-dead campers, they go into the woods, some gets killed by zombified monster that growls like that grizzly bear from the movie Grizzly (1976), remaining teens tries to fight off and survive, twist here, more last minute slasher movie antics, the end.

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With that two paragraphs alone, I already saw Friday the 13th, The Burning, Madman, Superstition, and Scalps/Ghostdance as the many "influences" of this movie; so if you're a complete slasher film completist like myself, you don't need to guess much to know what will happen in one scene to the next, as I mentioned, its really nothing more than every slasher film made out there done with an incredibly amount of sloppy cheese, lifelessly bad scripting, awful editing (which ends up with the movie running -sorry, crawling- at a sluggish pace) and extremely cheap special effects. It's done by the book, yes, and slasher fans would always appreciate that, but with so much elements in one movie, directed ineptly if I may add, it lacked something that would set it apart and instead ends up with something completely pointless in terms of existing.

In fact, why was this even made if we can rent any backwoods and/or Angry Native slasher films out there and experience the same (or better) blood works that this film offers? It's old hat, that's what it is, even for a slasher film. The kills, the epitome of said horror-subgenre, aren't even worth the penny since those are done away already, thus barely making up with all the flaws this film have! If it's anything, the only thing worth pointing out positively about this movie is that the barn used in the film was the same barn Jason got hanged, dismembered a biker and gets his head split with an axe in Friday the 13th Part 3D! So...yay?

Nay, this is definitely lowest one would scrape in a barrel looking for a good movie. Hardcore collectors would still want it, and too, those who values this for nostalgic reason, but if you're completely masochistic or high on something (or on a lot of things), then feel free to choke on Twisted Nightmare and I wish you a good life.

Bodycount:
1 male burned alive (dream)
1 female hanged
1 male arm torn off
1 female killed offscreen
1 male clawed on the throat
1 male set ablaze
1 male and 1 female skewered together with metal beam
1 female head crushed with hammer
1 male forced face-first unto hot sauna rocks
1 male head split with shovel
1 male head torn off
1 male electrocuted
1 female impaled through mounted deer antlers
1 male pinned to the wall with a pitchfork to the gut
1 male and 1 female immolated in house explosion
total: 17

Cuz he kills families: Return of the Family Man (1988)

Return of The Family Man (South Africa, 1988)
rating: ***
starring: Ron Smerczak, Liam Cundill, Terence Reis

Last time I checked for an African released slasher flick I was left to watch a stripped-naked streaker running away from a loonie with a killer manicure in the atrociously hilarious The Demon and watch a band of teens get slaughtered in a barn for some reason in the mediocre yet watchable Slash. Now I indulge myself with another African release, again trying to look and sound American, called Return of the Family Man. (No relation to the movie Family Man starring Nicholas Cage...)

The film is crazy from beginning to end; we start off with an odd choice of an opening act, where we watch one of our leads, Alden, an unfortunate pizza man, get tangled in a mafia's drug base when one of their clients decided to shoot the living lights out of everyone on sight. Pizza dude survives, gets threatened by a gang member that he'll be hunted down like a dog, and a Hispanic maid who witnesses pizza guy leave had just stamped "suspect" all over him.

In order to avoid suspicion, Alden decided to crash into his ex's apartment, wherein Vickie and her boyfriend Brian was planning a weekend getaway together (alone) to a rented mansion deep into the woods. Much to Brian's annoyance, they let the poor soul tag along anyhow. Meanwhile, we also have an American tour guide named Libby chaperoning a quartre of multi-racial tourists to the great American soil and headed towards the same Mansion. These gang of misfits would include English punker Weasel, Indian comic Marty, French hot babe Sylvie and African prude Evelyn.

Both parties cross paths when they both found out they've been duped, and the so-called "Mansion" is a dilapidated, vine-ridden old house that was left in said state cuz no one would like to buy it due to some infamous reasons; A killer known as The Family Man (who kills families as his moniker suggests), who had fallen into urban legend territory, once lived there as a kid. For this reason alone, the house is as run down as an overused Packard  but the gang decided to do a more productive means for their vacation and decided to camp out and spend some time together. Good people, I like them already!

But, uh-oh! A prison transport bus carrying none other than Family Guy-- I mean Man among its other loonies just happens to have been attacked by said killer and crashed, leaving no survivors but one, insane, family massacring madman. He soon began to make his way back home, kill a few peeps along the way (including an unfortunate family on a barbecue weekend) and found his house littered with adults behaving like teenagers. That certainly won't do for him, so he does what he does best, little did he know these vacationers are more than willing to fight back...or so they try!

It's not a good movie in the sense it's groundbreaking; to be honest, I think it may have set slasher films back a year or two, but otherwise, Return of the Family Man is one of the funnier and more entertaining attempts to do a cheap run on an 80s slasher. The characters are stereotyped despite obviously a few years older than what they try act like, meaning there's a lot of incredibly inept dialogue scripted here, enough to squeeze some cheese out of them. Plus a lot of padding goes into these group being chums and having fun without anyone being a bitch to the other, so the light and comic tone kinda killed off some of the horror of the film, but it doesn't really stopped it from being nasty and tense every once in a while.

The kill count is sky high thanks to two massacres prior to the ones involving our heroes; the first being the one that happened during The Family Man's daring escape, which is honestly hard to count once all the guards are dead (but I managed thanks to freeze-frame), and the other being a mean-spirited family massacre, which could have been meaner and more disturbing if it was more focused (think the hostage scenes from Rob Zombie's The Devil's Rejects) but thanks to the film's budget, this scene was reduced to two offscreen kid-a-cide, dad being pushed to a fireplace (and cuts away before we could even see him get hurt) and mum beaten to death with a meat tenderizer, obscured by the camera. Frankly, almost all of the kills here are obscured or done away cheaply; there was a lot of chance for the film to do some real memorable gore scenes but instead, we're left to watch these murders done away through shadows, away from the camera or cut away before any organs even met the sharp ends of a blade. (there's a blender kill here I wanted to see uncut...)

What was missing in script, kills and some pacing, was thankfully made up with a definitely high camp value and some unexpected twists along the near end; by the time our group had found out that there's a killer living in their basement, and their cars sunk by the Family Man to make sure no one escapes, the group decided to go A-Team on us (with a bit of MacGuyver), putting together household items to create weapons to defend themselves against a killer. Though why go through all the trouble if they could just run away from this guy is beyond me, but entertainment-wise, this scene at least makes us root for these guys a bit more since they're actually try doing something to survive. Sadly, the inevitable happened, and some of them just had to wander off by themselves, knowing a killer's out to get them. (Which he did)

Speaking of killers, I'm not sure what to make out of the Family Man. Other than the fact that he turns out to be this one ordinary guy who gone crazy due to something about bad blood between his own family which ended up with him killing them, there's nothing much to follow after this. Instead, he became a toned down version of Psycho Cop, who rambles a lot of things that goes with his "theme". He did got this one badass moment; when he got torched alive by one of his victims, he spent a few seconds in pain before walking over to the kitchen counter to get a dry face towel and smothers it all over him. Note, he did this as if he's just wiping some sweat off his face. Not for long, he's burnt ala Fred Krueger, but not even them (fresh) third degree burns stopped him from putting an evil smile.

I managed to finish it from beginning to end, without pushing the fast-forward button and with my tongue pressed firmly on my cheek. Needless to say, for a bad film that tries so hardtop make it look and sound American (to the point of inserting them claims in the movie itself) I really had fun with this title! Not entirely recommendable to just anyone, but rather for those with a high tolerance for cheese.

Bodycount:
4 males and 1 female killed in shoot-out
1 male shot with shotgun
1 male fingered on the eyes, shot on the head
1 male shot on the head
1 male shot on the face with shotgun
1 male shot on the face with shotgun
4 males killed in car crash
8 males shot
1 male strangled, pushed to a fire place
1 female beaten to death with meat hammer
2 boys killed offscreen
1 male eviscerated with broken bottle
1 female killed offscreen
4 skeletons found
1 male repeatedly stabbed on the face with broken mallet handle
1 female face shoved to blender blades, shredded
1 female strangled and hanged with fanny pack
1 male killed offcamera
1 male immolated with a rigged propane tank
total: 37

A Maniacal Mechanic's Manic Massacre: No One Lives (2013)

No One Lives (2013)
rating: *1/2
starring: Luke Evans, Adelaide Clemens, Derek Magyar                         

This is probably going to be one of those film where I can't decide if I love it or not; the 2013 released slasher film No One Lives, directed by Ryuhei Kitamura of the Midnight Meat Train  and Versus fame, actually sets our expectation with a cool kill-a-thon by a guy with fancy gadgets, but ultimately became a let down by the time I get to see it and found out there's barely anything memorable about this film.

We begin with a classic set-up: a blonde running in terror at night from unseen foe only to be captured by whatever' shunting her down and wasn't killed for a change. Shifting suddenly to daylight, we follow a couple on a road trip, presumably to patch-up a broken relationship, or at least we assume that's the purpose and a gang of house thieves with a member who's cray-cray about killing. Said member demonstrated this soon enough by gunning down an entire family who owns the house they're currently targeting after they came back unexpectedly. The two group crosses paths later at a local diner, one of the thieves catches them decided to harass the two and, later, capture them in hopes of getting more quick cash this way.

25 minutes, where all good things stayed and just stayed

Now as the film's trailer suggested, these couple aren't what they seem to be...or rather, the unnamed guy Luke Evans played here; his girlfriend suddenly cuts her own throat against a held hunting knife, the thieves discovers a a captive girl inside a crate (same girl snared earlier) and Luke's character turns out to be a serial killer armed to the teeth. After murdering one from the gang (and stowaways inside his hollowed out body !), the killer credited only as "Driver" began to systematically kill off one thief to the next, until there's only one left, the girl. But with the gang planning to take his prisoner for ransom, he had to do it quick or else he'll be spending all night hunting and fighting off the thugs.

For a film that has revealed the twist way before the film has even been released (the trailer and Mr. Kitamura's interview), you would expect they had at least worked on the other departments that makes a slasher film fun such as gore, script and atmosphere, but none of those had made up for this. It's quickly paced around the first act, but after the twist is revealed and the MIA blondie began rambling of what our slasher can do, No One Lives began to lag from one part to the next so evenly, that you have to wonder where this film is really going.

In fact, I really don't understand how a couple of bad guys would work as an effective target victims? The way I see it, it could only go with one of these two ways: they could either be the biggest sonovabitches that's really deserving of their fates (like the ones in Tormented, where bullies are being killed), or develop into those who're willing to side with the victims, settle their differences and just try to live through the night. (Like the ones from Scarecrows, which are originally armed thugs, but slowly began to look out for one another once the supernatural attacks) The victims here are house thieves, who are reluctant to kill off a family if it wasn't for one trigger-happy douche, that even they hated at a point; they're not that threatening or developed, and they're killed off before they could do anything viler than simply stashing away priceless furniture and plotting a ransom. They're merely victims, just like the rest of the meat these kind of films have been cutting up for years now.

In a slasher film, victims usually die by the time a blade hits them.
Here, they can still talk for minutes. As if the film isn't slow enough.

The killer, while indeed had his badass moments, looks like someone made up to start up a franchise as well; problem was, he's a serial killer who had all of these fancy toys that would make even a one of Jigsaw's apprentice from the SAW series jealous, as much as I really like to think this is cool, it's been done for so many times. Aside from SAW, we also have The Collector and its sequel doing the gadget kill a work, and too a SAW rip-off known as Steel Trap and the acclaimed "Home Alone for Horror Fans" The Agression Scale also tried this, so it's nothing new. Even if it's still in the hype, though, these kills aren't even gonna match-up with the kills these guys are doing, (Well, maybe against Steel Trap, but the rest? Nah.) if the killer committing them is a smug crossover between Jason Voorhees and Jigsaw with little or no interesting characterization.

I admit, though, the gore's good, and while the murders are nothing special, at least it splashes enough red stuff to keep the gorehounds seated on their seats, though it really feels like as if these guys are holding back on the grue. I could try to be that shallow, but sometimes I would really need more than blood and guts to make a movie MY movie, even if its a slasher film.

No One Lives certainly lacks a real fire power to make itself that worthy of a watch, but I ain't stopping you guys from seeing it. As I mentioned, if blood and flesh shredding and splattering is you thing, then this film at least provides. But lemme just go ahead and say you would probably forget about this film after a day or two...

Bodycount:
3 males and 1 female shot dead
1 female cuts her own throat against a held hunting knife
1 male hooked through the jaw with broken handcuff, stabbed to death with hunting knife
1 female seen stabbed to death (TV)
1 male seen with throat cut (TV)
1 female seen dead (TV)
1 female seen with her back flayed open (TV)
1 male seen disemboweled (TV)
3 males mentioned killed (TV)
1 male shredded through tree de-barker
1 female sickle thrown through her back, hit by a car
1 male shot on the eye
1 female strangled, shot on the head
1 male head shot off with shotgun
1 male shot with shotgun
1 male neck chopped with clipboard
total: 22

America's Serial Killing Sweetheart: Serial Mom (1994)

Serial Mom (1994)

rating: ****

starring:  Kathleen Turner, Sam Waterston, Ricki Lake

 

It wasn't until I saw Seed of Chucky that I knew about John Waters. He had the best death in that film, and after finding out he guest starred in one of my fave Simpson episodes (The one about Homer's homophobia), I began to dive in deeper in Mr. Water's works. Curious enough, I half-like what I found; though I was chipper about that fact he made two of my fave musicals (Hairspray and Cry Baby), I wasn't too thrilled about his other works (I tried watching Pink Flamingo. Let's just say I wasn't turned on at all...)

 

Still, that didn't stop me from seeing this one, a black-comic satirical look into the serial killer-loving side of America, where we follow one suburban housewife's everyday life of passionate gardening, coupon cutting, household cleaning, kitchen wares, obscene prank calling and, of course, serial killing!

Meet Beverly Stuphin (Kathleen Turner), the loving wife of a local dentist (Sam Waterston) and mother of two misfit children, Misty (Ricki Lake) and Chip (Matthew Lillard). She enjoys spending her past time plotting murders against neighbors and strangers alike for the smallest crimes and mistakes, such as not recycling, scolding someone for loving a certain genre of films (love that one) and even for wearing white shoes after Labor Day. As she continues to secretly murder anyone that irate her from the inside, hapless witnesses began to pile up, as well as her family and neighbors becoming more and more suspicious of her odd, cheerful-as-day personality. After publicly murdering one victim during a live stage show in front of a crowd, Beverly was arrested and so the trial begins.

 

Around the last act, Serial Mom switches from a slasher movie to a head-on black comedy that pretty much shows how much everyone loves a sensationalized serial killer. Beverly's family exploits their mother's homicidal run, producers crowd and beg for movie rights and young fans praises her every appearance. Will she be punished for her crimes? Or will Beverly find a way to win the hearts of millions and pardon her of her own crimes? Well, if she is, she ain't gonna do it kissing everyone's ass. Nah, she'll be fanning her legs like there's no tomorrow!



Unsettlingly funny, and gruesomely bloody, Serial Mom was actually a good look into our morbid fascination as horror fans to serial killers, though it will actually depend more on the individual. However, the film just doesn't focus on a horror fan's point of view, but rather the media's. By the time Mason or the Son of Sam killer had became big news, we actually had films and documentaries showcasing and/or basing on these crimes around those years these people became a hot topic. Serial Mom took a fictional jab into this culture, and it held no bars against it.

What makes Serial Mom an enjoyable film is that it's just plain crazy. The mood of the story was never serious, plus Kathleen Turner's performance as a serial killing 50s-style mother provided enough laughs as a ridiculous character who just so happens to be blessed with extreme luck and/or personality. The script, though not perfect, was chuckle worthy for the right people, as in those with a very dark sense of humor (Something most viewers seems to forget when watching this movie, sadly. I mean, this IS a John Water's movie!) and too those who could get the references.(there was a lot of 50s reference here) Performance by the rest of the cast were okay; nothing big, but acceptable otherwise. (Though, I was surprised to see Matthew Lillard on this. Funny to think he'll be starring on another horror film-satire two years later,Wes Craven's Scream!)

Since the first half of the film is your typical slasher film walk-through, I was glad enough that the film had the gore count really working. We got organs getting sticky on an impaled fire poker, hit-and-ran-overs and the ever popular bludgeoning by lamb leg! (Alfred Hitchcock's Presents, anyone?) It's nice to see someone getting creative with their kills once in a while, keeping a straight psycho face even!

The film has a lot to say to a lot of things; the consequences of deprived housewives with no real life outside their homes and our interest in sensationalized media featuring whatever's hot no matter if it's good or bad taste are among the little commentaries being made here, but for those who would like to just relax and laugh at something so shallow and dark, Serial Mom's a good film to rent for a weekend's viewing. Not everyone's movie, but at least try to see it once. Who knows, you might learn that the creepy phone caller you keep getting every night might be closer than you think...

Bodycount:
1 male hit with car, run over
1 male ran through the back with fire poker
1 female scissors to the gut
1 male gets a falling air conditioner toppling on top of him
1 female bludgeoned to death with lamb leg
1 male torched with a lighter and a can of aerosol
1 female beaten to death with payphone
total: 7

Psycho-Biddy of the worse kind: Baby Blues (2008)

Baby Blues (AKA The Cradle will Fall) (2008)

rating: ***1/2

starring:  Colleen Porch, Aiden Kersh, Ridge Canipe

 

It's awfully common for slasher films to try and exploit the works of real-life killers; Psycho (1960) and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre were based on the skinning loonie Ed Gein, the sortah proto-slasher Dirty Harry had a killer who's spree was based on the Zodiac kilings on the 70s, even movies like Wolf Creek and The Strangers were based on more recent convicted killers and home invasion incidents. Baby Blues is one of the few additions to these simplified and exploited stories, though some may actually argue with me here for calling this title here a slasher film since it focuses on a rather new different of victims. Normally I would say that, but since when did slasher films only required dumb teens as victims?

Taking inspiration from the infamous Andrea Yates case, wherein a mother suffering from post-partum depression had drowned her children on her bathtub, Baby Blues had taken the story and molded a rather tense and creepy story about Jimmy, a young boy in his preteens, and the eldest of the four children, who began to notice odd things about his mum. She seems always sad, frantic and very frightened about something, apparently the pressure of being a parent had began to take a toll on her when her husband, a truck driver who just got home, was about to leave again to deliver another cargo. 

After their father left for the road, Jimmy was left in charge with his mum to look after the kids, but that one night just happens to be the time their mum finally snaps. After smashing some things during a rather hectic and loud dinner, she calmly walked to the bathroom with her baby and, well, if you know the Yates case, you would know that there's a reason why that baby's blue now. Jimmy found out about the murder and stops his mum from drowning another one of his siblings, what happened next is a long night of stalk-prey hunting between an insane mother and her children, and Jimmy has no choice but to rely on his instinct to save what's left of his family.

Baby Blues is definitely a slasher film of a different twist, where in the killer's victims are primarily pre-teen children; it's a rather shocking movie for that sense alone, but what makes it more unsettling is that the violence here is unrelenting, even if the young victims are done away without the camera focusing on them. There's a vicious mirror handle stabbing with the poor kid flailing around, trying to escape, and an incredibly intense scene taking place in a hay-filled barn, with their mum, armed with a pitchfork, began to stick it to each stack. These are usually the kind of kills that you would expect to be done through dumb, horny teenagers, but seeing them used against defenseless children just makes it more notorious.

Although, unlike most slasher films that wanders around in entertaining its audiences with gore and T&A in an gratuitious manner, Baby Blues focuses more as a survival thriller hybriding, with the kids trying to outwit and outrun their homicidal mother, who really isn't evil, but rather reduced to a state of insanity that she can no longer comprehend what is wrong and right. So no sex, no dumb teens doing dumb teen things, just plain survival theatrics from a couple of kids and an animalistic prowling from dear old mum.

Direction is solid, it builds around first at the concerns the character Jimmy was having about his mother and how we're hinted that she maybe ain't all up there. But as the film progresses, the tension heightens and we're pushed to the edge of our seats trying to see if these tykes can really live through the night, or if there's going to be anyone of them left. It was an okay approach, a bit controversial if it wasn't for the film's direct to video released (imagine it going through the public theatres. Oh the fainting mothers with picking signs will be uncountable!), but the only thing that kinda ruined it was the anti-climatic ending. Acting was acceptable, but the film focused a whole lot on Colleen Porch as the mother, and Ridge Canipe as Jimmy, so the others were kinda just there. (Not a big deal, actually, the shock value of this film was enough for me to overlook this)

Kinda creepy to think a movie like this would actually exist, but it certainly done its job as a horror film. Baby Blues is a rather small effort, but it's controversial plot and theme is worthy enough to be looked at by any slasher fan out there who's tired of dumb teens and high camp value.

 Bodycount:
1 baby boy drowned offscreen
1 boy stabbed to death with mirror handle
1 pig stabbed with pitchfork
1 girl stabbed with pitchfork
1 dog hacked to death with meat cleaver
1 male had his neck hacked repeatedly with meat cleaver
Total: 6

Living in the world of the Blind: Afraid of the Dark (1991)

Afraid of the Dark (France/United ingdom, 1991)
rating: ***1/2
starring: James Fox, Fanny Ardant, Paul McGann

Though not overly impressed, I do have to admit that this is one of the more captivating and engaging thriller films I'd seen in my life.

Afraid of the Dark is a drama showcasing the anxiety of a young boy named Lucas, who's slowly going blind through two separate parts; the first part is shown through the point of view of the boy himself, as he imagined almost everyone from the entire world (or at least those living in his neighborhood) are blind and that a serial slasher has been harassing blind women. Lucas managed to witness one of the attacks and tries to keep it to himself, but when suspicious men began showing up everywhere, he has no choice but to try to survive and protect those around him. This half is the reason why I'm reviewing this film here; these first 45 minutes is pretty much a movie on its own, reminiscent of the early 70s gialli films that had played more on the mystery, rather than the growing bodycount as many of its kin had done by the time slasher films had began spawning. There's a slasher, yes, but all he did was literally slash up women and none of them are actually killed. The odd thing about this half is that it had an ending; the killer was finally discovered by Lucas and apparently beaten, but just when we thought it's finally over, we're suddenly shifted to the second half of our tale.

In here, every character that appeared before are exactly the opposite as they were from the first half; the blind can see, supposed friends are actually close blood relatives, but Lucas is still going blind and apparently his anxiety to the fact he's losing his sight began to take its toll and push him into his own dark delusions. Adding pressure to his already confused and frightened state is the arrival of his newborn sister, a fact that may ultimately descend him into madness, with a knitting needle held maliciously at the baby girl. This half is very draining and emotive; the confusion and frightened state of the boy really seeps into this act. It's not perfect, I admit, a lot of audiences doesn't seem to understand this, but I would like to see this film as one of those made for the "thinking man".

Afraid of the Dark is far from your usual horror film as it is marketed; it's deeper and more cerebral, it gets into your skin but at the same time makes you feel for the lead character, splendidly played by young Ben Keyworth. Both halves of the film are equally tense and unsettling, thanks to a rather bizarre direction of the first and the wholesomely sophisticated and symbolic turn of the second; the overall net result of it, however, is a thriller more intelligent as it is, prompting the audience to debate to what the film is really about and the meaning behind all the images. (Such as the money shot featuring Lucas taping a knitting needle dangerously close to his coke-bottle glasses)

It's not for everyone, especially those who were expecting a slay-a-thon of blind women and slashers stalking-preying a child hero (as I did), but if you're feeling the need of a strange yet supossedly intelligent film to test your brain cells? Try this one for the time being and tell us how do you feel about knitting needles by the time the film ends.

Bodycount:
1 male knitting needle to the eye
1 dog knitting needle to the eye
total: 2

The Mad Chopper of Camp Stonewater: The Burning (1981)

The Burning (1981) (AKA "Carnage")

rating: ****1/2

starring:  Brian Matthews, Leah Ayres, Brian Backer

Having to premiere after the release of a certain backwoods slasher classic Friday the 13th, The Burning would then had the unfortunate luck to be called as a rip-off of said slasher classic when in truth, it's far from one. Yes it's a camp ground slasher that had teens being cut down to bite-size pieces, but if it's anything, The Burning pretty much can stand on its own two feet and deliver us a brutal, if not slow-paced, cult favorite!

We kick-start the film with a another prank gone wrong; the kids of Camp Blackfoot had decided to play a nasty scare on a cruel groundskeeper named Cropsey, placing a rotting skull with candles lit inside right next to him as a surprise. The thing was, he was surprised alright, enough for him to panic and knock it into his bed and engulf him in flames. Ole' Cropsey was burned to the extreme (a fucking "Big Mac" overdone as one uncaring orderly had described it), hospitalized for the next five years and vows vengeance for all Summer Campy as soon as he's released.

We then focus our attention to another camp which so happens to be just nearby, Camp Stonewater, where everybody seems to be just right. Seriously, this has to be one of the more realistic looking camp sites out there with interestingly well-developed campers and counselors, who just isn't out there for the sex. After a prank or two, the following day had a group of these happy campers canoe their way to the wild wilderness and had the old fashioned campout under the stars, around a bonfire and telling each other spooky stories. One particular story was none other about our burnt groundskeeper Cropsey, who's evilness had now fallen under urban legend territory.

But as any campfire tales in a slasher film would always have, the legend is far from just a story, and they'll find that out soon enough; when one counselor ended up missing that night (as in killed), the group also found out that their canoes are gone. Four campers and a counselor volunteered to raft back to fetch some help, but it's safe to say they didn't make it, but their demise will be remembered the most as the most notoriously brutal slayings in a slasher movie. (It's also the best highlight of the film. Without spoiling much, it's called by many fans the "Raft Massacre" for a reason, and Tom Savini supervised the effects. If Savini does it, you know damn well it'll be nasty!)

Things finally began to gloom a little more for our remaining campers and counselors; bully Glazer finally had his sexperience with his gal Sally, though it ended way too early for them both (if you know what I mean), and Glazer's a bit ashamed of that. Hoping to freshen up, he left Sally alone and cue in Cropsey with a garden shear. She was killed, Glazer comes back and got killed as well, and outcasted prankster Alfred (which is one of our lead) ran back to the camp to get help. The ever responsible camp counselor Todd (also one of our leads) agrees to go with him and check it out and instead got greeted with a shiny shear swung near his temple. He got knocked out and came around, Cropsey chases Alfred, leading to an axe vs flamethrower showdown, a butt-ugly reveal and one of the freshest slasher twist in 80s cinema!

The Burning is one of Bob and Harvey Weinstein's (Miramax's founders) first initial production, and one of the two titles that was supposed to be based on the urban legend Cropsey, a killer janitor of summer camps who was known to be big news around small towns with missing children, the other being the cheesefest Madman (1982). In comparison, The Burning is more of a straight forwarded horror film with bits and pieces of Porkies style teen comic. It's cheesy at times, but the dread and overall nihilistic feel of the film certainly proves The Burning as one of the finer examples of a well-deserved cult classic.

As you can tell above, a lot of the cliches grounded by movies like Friday the 13th and Prom Night was ever present and twisted a bit for the sake of originality. Some of them worked, as this film has set one of the first examples of a film to feature a final boy; odd thing about it was that Alfred wasn't that big of a character for my point of view, so The Burning threw in Todd, a strict yet fair counselor who did have his own share of development, more or less around the time the film's twist was revealed. there was actually a sympathetic final girl here, two of them actually, but one of them got killed off as Cropsey's first victim on his return to the camp grounds, while the other survives helping the rest of the campers get back to the camp. (It's nice to see little traumatized tykes be saved sometimes) In fact, that's one main thing about the characters in this film, they're just not your average random meat that's gonna be cut up. The film certainly took its time to build around the summer camp part of the film that you could actually see them enjoy themselves and feel a bit nostalgic; this is what makes Cropsey's murderous rampage shocking and terrifying, as he's not just killing random teens, but likable individuals who really wanted to see survive.

Tom Savini, as I mentioned as well, was responsible for a lot of make-up and gore effects here and I'm really astounded on the level of violence here. A lot of scissor kills, ranging widely from disembowelment, skull splits and finger dismemberment (yuck) but thanks to a hectic schedule, the killer's own disfigurements looked less realistic and resembles more of the poor man-monster from The Incredible Melting Man. I wouldn't mind the killer's make-up actually, Cropsey's scary enough on his own and intimidating with his black cloak, ferocious violence and 

Another technical aspect of the film I came to enjoy was Rick Wakeman's awesome score for the movie; it's very retro-sounding, but at the same time very dreading! The last act could have been more exciting, though; there's some padding made trying to build up the suspense, but the last fight wasn't as thrilling as the tension build it up to be. Still, this is a very small chip in a wooden chair for my part, the film can still stand on its own even with that little flaw.

The film's very intense, moody, and all the brutal shocks and gore is patient enough to strike at the right moments; The Burning might just be another slasher film, but the direction and the production values of this film is well spent and creative enough to entertain. Clearly, there isn't any other slasher movie out there well deserving of their cult status.

Bodycount:

1 female gutted with shears

1 female throat cut with garden shears

1 male chest slashed with garden shears

1 female stabbed with garden shears

1 male fingers snipped off with garden shears, killed

1 male garden shears to the throat

1 female forehead slashed with garden shears

1 female killed offscreen with garden shears

1 male pinned to the tree by the neck with garden shears

1 male impaled through the back with garden shears and hacked on the face with axe, set on fire

total: 10