Saturday, October 22, 2011

Nail-gunning one liners: Nail Gun Massacre (1985)

Nail Gun Massacre (1985) (AKA "Texas Nailgun Massacre"...LOL!!!!)
rating: **1/2 (?)
starring:  Rocky Patterson, Ron Queen and Beau Leland

Yeah, I've been asking myself what to give this. It's awful in every aspect, but I had "FUN" watching it...but I felt guilty of having "FUN" watching it, too. I can't make up my mind on the rating, so I give my first "?" rating.

Guilty Pleasure? Could be! I mean how many movies out there actually have a helmeted psycho killer carryign an pressured nailgun that spat out horrible one-liners with perhaps one of the worst Darth Vader impersonation yet? But before I rant further with my confused like/dislike for this God-forsaken movie, let me wrap around first on what this movie's about for  those who hadn't seen and/or planning to see the film:

The opening had a random woman raped by six construction workers, though I don't even think "rape" is the right word cuz little lady's fully clothed and these guys ain't humping. Molested is more fitting to it, but just for the sake of this film's attempt to do one, then yes, they "raped" her...

So anyways, we then cut to a small cabin where a momma is busy hanging laundry while her baby plays in a box, deep in the backwoods. Of course, we see our killer, obviously a woman, enters the cabin and greets fat owner of said cabin with a nail gun shooting and some lame one-liners. Fat Momma returns and sees the body before running off.

Soon, more random people are getting nailed (no pun intended); I say "random'  as in  I can't really tell if these guys are the same construction workers as before, cuz we never get to see them up-close. As the bodycount rises, Sheriff Thomas (Ron Queen) turns to his buddy, Doc James (Rocky Patterson), to help him solve the case. Since we know damn well the murders are connected to the rape victim, the only thing this film can do by then is the old-fashion "who did it" cop-out car chases turns and one of the most obvious goof ever!

Now that you know what this film is about, it's really all up to your morbid curiosity if you want to see a title that had people calling it the best worse movie ever, following Trolls 2. I for one did it for the sake of being a completist for slasher titles, plus the fact that some people are enjoying this film despite it's silly goofs. I can't make a straight review for this film due to my conflicting feeling for this, so let me just list down what's the pros and the cons of the movie:

First the Cons: Bad acting, sleazy sex that looks like an outtake of a porno (nice rack, though), cheap effects, bad script, bad lighting, a bad camera work, untalented casts and extras, randomly placed victims, lots of cheese, lots of inconsistencies (one guy ordered cheeseburgers and he got grilled cheese sandwich, killer changes height from one scene to another, sheriff's badge switches from left to right, etc....) and, yes, God Damned, forbidden-worthy one-liners enough to make Freddy cringe in horror. (latter line is copyrighted to Hysteria Lives. co.uk. I'll be expecting their law suit anytime now...)

Now, the Pros: Unintentionally funny, So bad it's good campy feeling, laughable sex, some good gore, some good racks, cool looking killer, and, well, it's cheesy....yes, that is all.

There's nothing intentionally horrifying about Nail Gun Massacre, so I would say it wasted its time trying to be a "straight" horror, but, as cult standards apply, it does win the hearts of many video followers with it's horror-comedy failure of a nature, that I, too, came to love. I will not admit it's a good movie, cuz, God almighty as my witness, anybody who could do better had every right to dump it to their garbage bins, but if you're looking for some cheap thrills or something to laugh at with your friends, then I guess you could rent this...or own it if you're that masochistic.

1 male nail gunned to death
1 male nail gunned to death
1 male nail gunned on the back and falls into a chainsaw, dismembered
1 male nailgunned to death
1 female found nail gunned to death 
1 male nail gunned on the head
1 female nail gunned to death
1 male nail gunned to a tree, left for death
1 male nail gunned to death
1 male nail gunned to death
1 male nail gunned to death
1 female nail gunned to death
1 male repeatedly nailgunned, burnt in grill
1 female nail gunned to death
1 female nail gunned to death
1 male falls off a crane
total: 16


  1. Waste of time indeed.
    Nail Gun Massacre is definitely one of the worst horror movies of all time. A pointless and stupid piece of bullcrap

  2. I know...you know that feeling that you just laughed your guts out and then you suddenly realized how stupid it was?...

    I got that.