Torture Porn Slasher In The Woods...Yay?: Carver (2008)

Carver (2008)
Rating: 1/2
Starring: Natasha Charles Parker, Erik Fones and Matt Carmody

A fat guy in a goggled helmet starts torturing and killer campers lost in the woods. That's it.

What more do you want me to say? My thoughts?

Sigh* Okay, listen: with all the gory, nasty, and mind-numbing violence I succumb myself to just to keep this site running and my fandom fat, I might be just getting used to it that I'm desensitized from the "shocking" material in Carver (2008) or, just saying, this movie just sucks.

The gore effects are great even if they are pretty fake looking, I have to hand the film that at least, but elsewhere? It's hardly a step up to whatever horror subgenre this film is trying; as Torture Porn? Much as I enjoy Hostel and SAW films, it's a nasty subgenre to begin with and its pretty tricky to make it entertaining unless, that is, they manage to bring along an engaging story to make it work. This here, however, is just plain exploitation that's torturous for the sake of torture and it's hardly worth it. Yeah it's nasty, but it's really, really empty. As if no real thought came into this film's writing and the guys behind it just wanted to show off some blood and guts spilled onscreen. No surprises, no differences, no plot whatsoever. Just plain, shallow torture porn.

The slasher perspective of this film doesn't shine well either. It's just your standard backwoods stuff, "teen sex equals death combo" and the usual twist ending. Nothing special, nothing big, just plain, plain, plain mediocrity. I mean a fat hillbilly wearing a helmet and goggles as our killer? Come on! I've seen scarier shit from a dancing Iraq Lobster!

He'll be killing our Butter Sauce!
Now that's scary!

None of the cast are also worth rooting for since they're just your bastardized one-dimensional victims with weak characters and script, plainly made just for the killer's picking. I don't really see the whole point of this flick looking at all of this. Yeah, it's backwoods. Yeah, it's torture porn. Two hot deals, back-to-back, yes? WRONG! Do yourself a favor and go outside, find yourself something else to do. Buy a toy train set, eat some burrito, spend time with your girlfriend or your dog, a walk on the beach, anything but watch this film.

And if you will, by any chance, out of curiosity, will watch this piece of watermelon-sized diarrhea, I suggest you go find a timeless classic to watch afterwards. That or go watch some girly cartoons. You might need it.

Bodycount:
1 female beheaded with saw
1 male knifed to death
1 male gets a dagger to the gut
1 female gets a saw buried into her face
1 male hooked with crowbar and gets his head sawed off from the mouth
1 female had a nail hammered into her head
1 male gets a pike to the head
1 male pulverized with sledgehammer
1 female suicide, shotgun blast to the head
1 male gets a dagger to the head
1 male nearly beheaded with dagger
Total: 11