WARNING: THIS BLOG CONTAINS BODYCOUNT. HIGH RISK OF SPOILERS. ENTER IF YOU DARE.

Friday, September 23, 2011

Oh the Horror, I did it again...: Don't Go in the Woods (Alone!) (1981)


Don't Go in the woods (AKA "Don't go in the woods...Alone!) (1981)
rating: 1/2
starring:  Jack McClelland, Mary Gail Artz and Angie Brown

Four young campers, Craig, Peter, Ingrid and Joanie, back-packs through the mountains for a relaxing weekend being one with nature...as always. With the forest becoming denser and darker, Peter and Ingrid fear that they are lost. But lurking among the bushes and the woods themselves is no animal, as a large figure began making its way through anyone, hacking them to death.


When one of their own gets the blade into his flesh, Peter and the others flee into the forest. With a deranged maniac on their trail, who will survive in the forest?

...F*CK a Duck! WHO GIVES A FUCK?

I'm sorry, but I'll be very personal with this one, it's awful, its more awful than any SYFY wannabe horror out there, it's more awful than any SOV horror trash big shot Lionsgate is willing to pass on, it's more awful than a baked pickle! And I have a high tolerance for awful baked pickles!

Technically, it's four campers, with lazy scripts uttering out of their porktraps, walking around the forest all day for the first hour, while people around are dying off in a rather gory methods, and they hardly notice any of this! In fact one of them dead folks even drop by, literally, near them whilst playing in a stream like some f*cktart on PCP! I mean this body could have been touching them, yet they still continue to play around! To top it all worse, we got one lard arse of a sheriff, as usual, who tops a comedy duo with his deputy, too late as many of his  randomly placed beloved city trash of a tourist went headless or stabbed happy. The murders, oh God, the murders! It's completely atrocious! I'm fine with spear stabs, but come on, accordions are not scary! So stop playing it every time there's a kill!
Shit goes to epic proportions when a manhunt was taken place, but that didn't make any of this any better In fact, it didn't do anything much at all! When we finally see the killer, it hardly matter, cuz every ounce of my expectations just went down the toilet.
... ... ... ... ... ...
I'm sorry, I just can't, crack a joke at this one...
I can't even believed I just went through all of this. What came over me?! Is it desperation? Was it for experience? God, if I had known it was that horrible, I should just took somebody's word for it and make a review out of that instead of torturing myself with this Municipal Waste!

I better turn off my laptop now after deleting that file. After a while, I'll see you when I recover from this mindrape I just experienced.

By the way, BACKWOOD HOBOS ARE NOT SCARY!

deers are...

bodycount:
1 female killed offscreen
1 male arm lopped off, knifed to death
1 male pulled off a cliff and lands on a rock
1 female stabbed
1 male seen bloodied against a van window
1 female crushed inside of toppling van, burned to death
1 female speared to death 
1 male and 1 female knifed to death
1 male projected bear trap crushed his face, impaled with spear
1 male slashed to death with spear
1 male impaled by thrown sharpened log
1 female hacked to death with machete
1 male stabbed and hacked to death
total: 14

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