WARNING: THIS BLOG CONTAINS BODYCOUNT. HIGH RISK OF SPOILERS. ENTER IF YOU DARE.

Saturday, November 22, 2014

Boobs and Blood of the Crappy Kind: Porn Shoot Massacre (2009)

Porn Shoot Massacre (2009)
Rating: *1/2
Starring:  Shelly Martinez, Naomi Cruz, Diana Prince

For the first three to five minutes, we get this:

My initial thoughts? Dayum, those are some big Danny DeVitos! But after drying up and getting ready to perform for what appears to be a film shooting, this lady soon gets smothered to death by someone wielding a dangerous pair of pantyhose. My initial thought for that? We're in for a long night.

The plot for Porn Shoot Massacre is really what the title says; we have a porn shooting led by a director with a very fake looking mustache-beard combo, who in turn hires seven adult actresses to star in his masterpiece. But unknown to them, a heavy breathing brute with what I assume is a jock strap over his face is skulking around the parts, killing off the actresses and actors. Could this be someone's idea of a single man army against perversion? Or is there another B-grade twist along the way.

Not gonna lie, this movie has its titillating moments but, for a film titled Porn Shoot Massacre, we don't get to see a lot of the forbidden fruit here. If anything, we only get a glimpses of it before the film fades to black and transitions to something else, most likely a murder, making the supposed porno the in-movie director claims will befit the taste of the deprived masses awfully stale, featuring nothing more than girls cuddling, sexy dancing and other softcore crud.

Still, what it does for the horror part of the movie is sort of acceptable. (Read, Sort of!) The kills have their little bright red moments and by that I meant we only get to see a moment of blood and gore before we're thrown back in to watch more horribly acted soft core which, then again, isn't all that surprising to begin with seeing the production is as good as purchasing the world's smallest violin. The villain looks hilariously bad and he's as intimidating as someone wearing a dirty jockstrap over his face- waitaminute.

Perhaps I'm getting a tad uppity myself here since, after all, this is again a movie titled Porn Shoot Massacre. I'm not gonna get anything like Life of Pi in this exploitative misogynistic garbage that I'm positive was aimed for the male percentage of slasher fanatics; it's cheesy and oddly cheerful atmosphere may be the best reason for some people to see this movie but, for me, I think I'll prefer my porn and horror flicks separate. Or at least as fun as Black Devil Doll. If only the geniuses behind this wreckage tried harder...

Bodycount:
1  female smothered to death with stockings
1 male killed, found with throat cut
1 female hacked to death with a hatchet, beheaded
1 female pounded to death
1 female knifed on the back
1 female beaten with a sledge hammer, disemboweled with a knife
1 male mentioned murdered
1 male had is head crushed until his eye popped out
2 males had their necks broken
1 male killed, blood splash seen
1 male had his neck cut with a knife
1 male shot, beaten to death with a wooden plank
Total: 13

2 comments:

  1. Haha, I think your label "bottomless bottom of shame" probably sums this one up nicely. I can't believe you actually had the guts to give it a chance!

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    Replies
    1. It wasn't guts. It was pure dumb luck and no knowledge of what I was getting into...

      And I regret every moment of it!

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