Starring: Paul Kelman, Lori Hallier and Neil Affleck
What made My Bloody Valentine earn the highest rating I can give to a movie? (yeah, "Golden Title" reviews what I considered the best of the best). Nothing. Just Nothing. It's just that the movie itself is the slasher genre immortalized and defined.
|I'll try it...there's no way it'll be that bad...|
The Legend of Harry Warden, a miner who is said to return to the town every time "the 14th draws near", driven insane after a cave-in caused by some ignorant workers, had plagued the town of Valentine Bluffs for far too long, so after a twenty year hiatus of holding any Valentine parties, the town finally decided to loosen up and hold their first Valentine party since the incident. Paper hearts are posted in every houses, pink streamers around the town, the people are finally free to breath again, but after a beating red flesh was found inside a candy box, local authorities decides to hold the parties after a string of familiar murders began popping up. But feeling hauled up themselves, the young 20s to 30 somethings decided to hold a party on their own, near Hanniger Mines, which is miles away from the town. Unknown to them, the legend is real, and hes out there waiting with his pickaxe in hand...
In the meantime, two miners, Axel and T.J., struggles to win the heart of their love interest, Sarah. The two young adults constantly grapples and provokes one another to outdo each other, but when the murders starts piling up on their party and Sarah, accompanied by her friends, was left in the mines, the two had to settle their issues aside to save the girl they love and everybody else.
But is there more to this story? Has harry warden really came back? Or has someone gone insane and decided to live on Warden's legacy?
|*cue movie's theme song*|
Director George Mihalka injects a fair amount of suspense, and some slick stylishness. Even if you are watching the (MPAA responsible) heavily edited theatrical cut, the film works even without the aid of heavy special effects, which is a testament to the overall quality of the film. The gloomy and claustrophobic setting, an emptied mine thanks to a celebrated Valentine party, gives the film an effectivly realistic look and aura, which helps the authenticity of the film's reputation as a "scary" or 'thrilling" slasher. The fact that the usual suspects of clichés are present; cheesy lines and a seemingly familiar plot that resembles nearly every slasher film made (bad past coming back to bite unsuspecting victim's arses, the usual gameplay), it doesn't really help add anything new to the film. But comparing with it with most independent titles that didn't get the same franchising treatment as the big shots of horror (Jason, Micheal Myers, Freddy), "My Bloody Valentine" holds it's own. It's one of the few films from the much enjoyably infamous 80s era, where all things gone psycho-killer and cheesy, holding up to today's standards as pure entertainment. It's simplistic, yet relates, evidently with the killer's choice of victims; while many similar titles out there spent their time stalking you nubile teenagers, My Bloody Valentine tried targeting the working class, those people who're fresh out of college and too young to settle down. Thanks to these "kids" the film is rarely boring, full of attitude and life, and provides one of the cheesiest love-triangle there is to be put on screen!
|Talk about your heart break, bub...|
|With a mask like that and a suit that goes with it,|
you just won the game for originality
1 female pushed and impaled to a pickaxe, heart removed
4 males mentioned killed in cave-in (presumably cannibalized as well by Warden)
1 male pickaxed on the chest, disemboweled
1 male mentioned murdered
1 female pickaxed, corpse later found tumble dried
1 male pickaxe to the jaw, exits to eye
1 male forced face first to hotdog fryer
1 female head impaled to a shower head, exits to mouth
1 male and 1 female found drilled together
1 male repeatedly nail gunned on the head
1 male hanged and beheaded by noose
1 female pickaxe to the gut
|...No seriously, guys, Valentine Bluffs?|