Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Spreading Holiday Fear: Santa's Slay (2005)

Santa's Slay (2005)
Rating: ***1/2
Starring: Bill Goldberg, Douglas Smith and Emilie de Ravin

NowI'm not going to lie, but I really do hate Santa; he's this fat guy who enslaves little elves to make toys for ONE WHOLE YEAR for kids who doesn't even appreciate it, while he sits on his desk eating milk and cookies while checking a list, A LIST! Do you have any idea how complicated the toys kids are asking Santa these past few years? Do you think them elves would find it easy to make our toys today? YOU TRY MAKING AN X-BOX! And even if they could, what do hey do with all the toxic waste it produces or all of that pollution eating that hole in the Ozone from making all of them toys?

...oh wait, this is a Christmas episode from Family Guy. Ah well, you got the picture, I hate Santa.
North Pole's inability to modernize...
Unless he's cool. Like homicidal cool. Like Goldberg cool.

I never watch WWE either, it's never my thing, but these wrestlers does so much acting on the ring that it kinda came handy when some got movie roles. Here, Santa's played by a professional wrestler Bill Goldberg so does he cut to be the next killer Santa? Yeah, he did. Santa never looked cooler in the red suit!
Yeah, how do you like me now, ya brats?
Kris Kringle, as it turns out, was the virgin Birth of the Devil as Christ was the virgin birth of God. He terrorized people every Christmas, "The Day of Slaying", until in 1005 AD, when an angel came and challenged Santa in a single round of curling. (As in the game where you push smooth rocks to a mark while doing it with a broom) The Angel won thus cursing Santa to be the good guy he's portrayed for the next thousand years. So moving a thousand years later, in 2005, Santa's free to do some killing again.

If the holidays were more like this, I'm definitely celebrating!
For some reason that I can't spell out due to spoilers, Santa's first stop is in Hell Township and he began slaughtering anyone he can get his crummy hands on. Meanwhile, Nicholas Yuleson (Douglas Smith) learned the truth behind Santa thanks to his kooky grampa's secret "Book of Claus", but when he tries to warn people of his suspicions that Santa might really be killing off folks who are both naughty and nice, his claim obviously fell into dead ears. Literally. Seeing he himself must save Christmas by saving everybody else, he tagged along his girlfriend, Mary "Mac" Mackenzie (Emilie de Ravin) and his grampa in one desperate attempt to stop the Son of Satan, and they're gonna die (or if not, wuss-out) trying!

Flaw is very obvious: story is crap, there's zero scares and the gore's not even that bright red. But what can I say i'm a sucker for campy horror flicks that does things right on my book. It's not much of a horror flick. Really. It fails at one. As a horror-slapstick comedy, it passes with flying colors. There's a certain B-flick charm to it; it's very silly, fast paced, slim in plotting and it's more of just Santa killing random people on a seemingly random town for the reason that he's the Son of Satan and has a bit of a score to settle. I guess the one thing separating this movie from your average Santa Slashers is that this isn't just any guy in a suit, it's really Santa akin to his supernatural state, making it more than your average stroll down the lane for your everyday B-Grade supernatural slasher flick.
"I'm Roasted!"
Santa's Slay is, honestly, just a fun movie. It's mindless, heavy on the killings, and the story's not really that hard to follow. It's a great horror comedy to watch during the season of hope with yer friends just to have a good laugh. (better even as a double bill with Jack Frost (1992)) Do yourself a favor and switch off, enjoy the holidays and let the mindless, nonsensical mayhem seep in. 
Oh no, an incoming car's gonna hit us! aiiiiiiieeeee.....
1 dog kicked to a ceiling fan
1 female faints and falls into spikes, impaled by the neck
1 female drowned in eggnog
1 male kicked into glass case
1 female head beaten with table leg
1 female Christmas star ala shuriken to the back
1 male pinned by the hands with steak knives, choked on force-fed turkey leg
1 elderly female tossed off a road in her car by a "helldeer" (more like a HellBull...)
1 male sharpened candycane to the eye
1 male strangled by wreath
1 male swinged to a knife and got stabbed in the chest
1 male pickaxe to the forehead
1 male electrocuted through current
6 males and 3 males burned to death
1 male eaten by a helldeer
2 boys heads blown off by exploding presents
1 male impaled to the wall with a hemorrah 
1 male tazered to death in his groin
1 male seen strangled
1 male seen with his head blown off with an exploding present
1 male seen stabbed with what appears to be a candle
1 male seen pinned to the wall
1 male neck broken by scarf
1 male hit in the head with shovel
1 female neck broken
2 females and 1 male seen murdered
1 male runover by helldeer, head crushed by Santa's foot
1 male lands and impaled to a flagpole.

No comments:

Post a Comment