Saturday, May 23, 2015

StickyRed Presents: Pimp My Murder Weapons Volume 2

Last year, I made a post where in I shared my thoughts on this sub-genre's strangest "customized" murder weapons, pointy and deadly things wielded by our psychos to dispose dumb teenagers and random thespians that are modified in the strangest manner.

Looking deeper into my collection, here be volume dos of these collected curiosities, fresh from the homicidal hands (or mouth) that held them!

Medical Monstrocities- (Dr. Giggles (1992))  In this early 90s cheese ride of all things cliched, the titular psychopath, who just happens to be the son of a deranged doctor, somehow had the time to design and invent his own slew of medical utensils, from tainted pills to syringes full of poison, to gas-powered stomach pumps with a rotating blade tip and giant band-aid plasters large enough to smother someone. It's cartoonishly crazy, but it fits the film's tone very well!

Pickaxe-catapult- (Simon Says (2006)) And just when you thought My Bloody Valentine's Harry Warden got the whole killer with a pickaxe shtick going, this film's Crispin Glover-played killer found 101 new ways to kill a person with one, mainly involving triggered traps and one pickaxe catapult! While the special effects used by the latter are dodgy, the whole idea of a catapult that swings four pickaxes at the same time was and is pretty awesome!

Wearable Sword- (Basement Jack (2009)) switching to this from a classic machete, the titular killer of this movie later wields a rather awesome looking blade; it's wearable and looks pretty badass, too bad the movie's gore effects are disappointing...

Van Trap- (Creep Van (2012)) Finding another use for creepy vans apart from being the bad guy's getaway vehicle, the random killer in this B-Grade slasher cooked up some rather over-the-top traps such as seat belts that crush and slices through victims and automated bladed sliding doors to make this van a literal hell ride.

A little clunky looking in terms of props and special effects, but it is more "realistic" in a way that the traps do look like something a demented maniac would had the capacity to.

Hell Go-Kart- (Leprechaun 2 (1994)) and continuing with killer rides, the titular killer Leprechaun had started his franchise by mauling his victims to death. it wasn't around the second film where we get to see more magic-induced kills, from hypnotizing someone into kissing a moving fan blade to, well, pulling out a killer go-kart out of hyperspace.

It's...something...but uh...killer go-kart? Really? So glad the third film was so much better...

Bladed Nailed Bat- (Billy Club (2013)) Attempting to do something different from your classic nailed bat, the folks behind the props of this movie did some slight modifications with the killer's murder weapon: a retractable machete blade that can be pushed out from the bat's head. Seeing what it could do, I am very impressed!

Cricket Kit- (I Know How Many Runs You Scored Last Summer (2008)) taking revenge on some former cricket team, the mustachoid maniac from this slasher had customized as many cricket apparels as possible, from spiked cricket bats, nailed balls, and nailed groin cup. The result? Some fairly amusing murders. Too bad the characters aren't so interesting or likable to make the killings matter.

Lenghtened Chainsaw -(Porkchop (2010)) Not much to say about this except it's a weed whacker with a full working chainsaw replacing the saw end. How does it work? Not sure, but I'm picturing ole' Porky had to crank up the chainsaw first before holding on to the weed whacker body. Clunky design but works well for out-of-reach victims.

Poison-Tipped Cat Claws- (Sette scialli di seta gialla/Crimes of The Black Cat (1972)) And coming from this volume's only giallo entry, a slight variation to trained animals; if you can't count on your target being mauled to death by your chosen beast, why not hope for the alternative and taint them while you're at it? No, we're not talking about rabies, we're talking about poisoning their claws!

Genius, you say? Well, not me; had the killer ever considered the fact that cats like to lick their own paws and rub it all over their faces in an adorable attempt to clean themselves? Yeah...

Chained Cleaver and Meat hook- (Murderdrome (2013)) The fire-breathing she-devil that is Mama Skate was a killer in her roller derby days. Literally. Armed with a chained meat-hook and cleaver, she's the star attraction of an underground blood sport known as Murderdrome and loved the spotlight so much that she started killer people off game.

Even in her undead status, the cleaver-and-hook never looked so badass with a leather clad huntress! Me likey!

Droids- (The Cheerleader Massacre 2 (2011)) I don't consider killer bots as a weapon if they act on their own, but the tiny terrors of Cheerleader Massacre 2 are, however, handled by a killer in a bowler hat so I thought otherwise.

They're pretty cute, but they're cheaply made with low-budget CG which is why it didn't sit pretty well with me. Still, I'm giving kudos for the producers of this flick for some attempts of originality.

 Drill-Tar -(The Slumber Party Massacre 2 (1987)) Yeah, see, I'm one of the few who had no trouble enjoying this nightmarish entry to the slasher cycle and of its franchise. While the first Slumber Party Massacre features a plain killer with a plain powertool murder weapon, its sequel cashed in one Freddy Krueger's success and decided to concoct a rockabilly greaser from hell, armed with a drill-ended guitar! A Drill-tar!

Cheesy? Yes. Effective? Yes! Musical! Oh fucking yes!!! Blame it on my taste, but I will always love vintage rock-and-roll!

Steel Dentures -(Luther The Geek (1990)) yeah, not sure how to feel about this; for one, I like the fact that the killer here's crazy enough to use his jaw strength to commit murders but it's not exactly really subtle. You'll be leaving your DNA all over and that's never a smart thing to do as a slasher/serial killer.

Then again, the killer clucks like a chicken so I guess it doesn't matter. Goddamn Troma releases, luckily for them, I really enjoyed this one!

 Cross-Mace -(Sin Reaper (2012)) From one 3D movie that no one would probably remember, the Sin Reaper sports a mean looking crucifix mace that, well, looks totally badass. Sadly, I remember nothing of the film except that the killer turned out to be somebody's brother or something.

I should try watching it again but I'm just not feeling it. Cool weapon and killer get-up, though!

And there you have it. Again! Seen any new and/or odd customized weapon used in a slasher and/or giallo? Had I missed any of the ones from older titles? Feel free to tell me and I'll try to collect as many as possible for part 3 of Pimp My Murder Weapons!


  1. It's missing the plunger from Bikini Island and the vinyl disc from Fatal Pulse.

    1. Actually this list is for modified weapons, like Freddy's glove and the Billy Club batter's nailed-bladed bat.

      But now that you mentioned it, I did missed out the razor-lined plunger handle from Open House (1987)!

    2. Well, in that case I can only think of the bladed wallet chain (!) from Joy Ride 2 dead ahed.

    3. Now you're getting it ! And a great suggestion, too! I always thought those Joy Ride sequels are more slasher-like than their parent film.