Monday, March 10, 2014

Severed Handies: Splatter Farm (1987)

Splatter Farm (1987)
Rating: *1/2
Starring: Todd Michael Smith, John Polonia, Mark Polonia     

Conscious Me: Augh, do I really have to do this one?
Inner Me: You have to. You owe it to yourself.
Conscious Me: But I barely remember anything that happened here!
Inner Me: Yes. Yes you do!
Conscious Me: How would you know?!
Inner Me: ..."Inner Consciousness"?
Conscious Me: oh, right...

Okay, so I stumbled upon this movie one bargain hunting ago and bought it without any idea what to expect. Apparently though, this was one of the earlier films made by the Polonia Brothers, the prolific contributors to the DIY horror movement who had introduced multitudes of horror and scifi titles shot below a budget, almost all of them I never even heard of. (Hey, I got a life outside horror!) This being their first commercial release, I expected the worse. Seeing that had no idea who these guys are prior to see this movie, my experience with this may have just put me off their radar. Forever.

Twins Alan and Joseph were visiting their aunt when they begin to notice something strange going on between her and farm boy Lacey. Could it have something to do with those bloodstained bones in the barn, literally hammered horses, Auntie's little habit of hypnotism and the fact we just saw Lacey dismember a body before giving himself the jollies with a severed hand in the opening?

What do you think?

Made to shock its audience, what Splatter Farm did to me is entirely the opposite: It bore me. Dead bore. Might be the bad quality of everything from audio and lightning to the tediously prolonged pacing and really weak acting, normally I don't mind all of these myself seeing that I'm the kind of guy who gave cheap as chips slashers like Blood Cult, The Nostril Picker and Truth or Dare: A Critical Madness a passing remark, but I swear to you all, I was this close to drinking a bottle of pesticide by accident due to me being drowsed into sleeping on how bad this film is. (That could have been a more interesting experience compared to the movie now that I think about it!)

Not sure what to say; it tries its best to shock us with taboos and upsetting images such as random animal murder (Offcamera. Geez), incestual rape (implied) and sexualized violence and torture (plenty but hardly shocking due to budget) but with uninteresting characters and a deadpan tone, I'm in a complete daze in the end and I failed to see the point of it all since I hardly cared for anyone in the story. The only aspect of the movie that reached out to me is the gore, which was gooey fun to look at in the same level of Truth or Dare. So will gore works save this film for me, then?
Please, I'm not that shallow.
Strangely, the movie found itself a cult following and even gets re-released in the new millennium with some of its more ridiculous scenes edited out to improve the film. Not sure which scenes they fixed or how better it is now but I'm not too excited to find out so I'm just gonna leave it to the fans to find out by themselves. (Whoever you are)

See it if you want, dear reader, but if you're gonna stone me for hating this, then I'll die a stoned man! This movie sucks in my opinion and I ain't going back for another round!

hehe stoned...

1 female dismembered with an axe
1 male eviscerated with a knife
1 male beheaded with a scythe
1 male axed on the face
1 male tortured and imapled with a pitchfork
1 male got his head blown off with shotgun
1 female blown apart with dynamite
Total: 7

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