Boggie Down The Swamps: Hatchet (2006)

Hatchet (2006)
Rating: ****
Starring: Kane Hodder, Joel David Moore and Deon Richmond

If there's one thing we slasher fans can agree on, it's the 80s; those days of forbidden fruit partaking, slipping into drive-ins, grindhouses or even yer local movie houses as a little tyke, or hanging out with a partner in hopes their frightened screams would be followed by an arm wrapping around you. A lot of slashers these days have their gimmicks but it's good to remember the golden years that started the full run of the bodycounting circle. And with movies like Blood Night: Legend of Mary Hatchet (2009), Dark Ride (2006), Last Caress (2011), The Tripper (2006) or even the sleeper hit, The Sleeper (2012) (*rimshot*), young fans of the 80s grue are doing their best to keep the nostalgic feeling felt.

With that, time to say hello to one of the splatter-tastic cult hit classics of the 2000s; a messy offering calling back to 80s stalk-and-slash done with gore. LOTS of gore.

After opening with an awkward father-and-son pair of gator hunters getting themselves taken apart by a body-disassembling hulk, the movie shifts toward a lively Mardi Gras party filled with the usual boobs, booze and beads in every corner of the street. Not particularly enjoying these festivities is our reluctant hero, Ben, whose recent break-up have him dragging his heels around New Orleans, ignoring the debauchery and bumming out his college frat mates, including token black guy Marcus. Deciding he's better off enjoying his visit to the city his own way, Ben joins a haunted swamp tour instead, much to Marcus' pique as he tails along to make sure the sulky fella doesn't do anything else stupid.

At the tour, which a reluctant proprietor (Tony Todd no less) willingly cut his ties off due to a bad experience with some tourists prior hand, right-hand man Shawn corrals Ben and Marcus into a group made up of a porn producer and his two female "stars", a middle-aged overweight couple, and a local, whose mysterious and distant personality clearly marked her suspicious. Sometime into the murky run, we all get educated with the story of Victor Crowley, a uber-deformed boy who had only known the love of his father who did his best to hide his son away from a judging world. Sadly, one Halloween night while his father's away, a group of pranksters accidentally sets Victor's house on fire. When his father returned and attempted to save him by breaking into the house with a hatchet, the parent killed him instead by mistake as the boy had his face pressed against the door when the hatchet split it open. His father soon died from a broken heart and so started the legend of the vengeful ghost, Victor Crowley.

it isn't long before this unfortunate swamp tour would find itself trapped in the swamps when, in dumb luck, their boat beached against some rocks. In addition to that, one of the tourists got bitten on the leg by a croc and, worse, they all end up nearby the Crowley House (or at least what remained of it) where, so to speak, resides the fleshy ghost of none other than Victor Crowley himself, bulked up and fucking angry, ready to tear any living, breathing person he sees down to twos. Or threes. Or quarters. Literally into pieces.

Hatchet (2006) harks back to the late-80s era of bodycounter entries where the plot is thin and gore is a priority. With our improvement in modern practical effects and an open acceptance on poking fun at the subgenre's trappings by means of humor, this movie is a silly and sticky romp that's made for the pure enjoyment of splatter fans. As limbs get torn off, bodies chopped in half, and jaws shredded to bits, the film's blood work disregards any sense of restraint to deliver some of the sickest kills ever to be laid eyes upon, all committed by a new age boogeyman whose deformity-based origin rings a bell or two to a beloved slasher icon, Jason Voorhees. In fact, if you're an avid fan of the Friday the 13th film series, you'll see a lot of inspiration drawn from our hockey masked killer and his films. (And they, in return, felt honored to be an inspiration, based on the 2009 documentary His Name was Jason.)

Ringing true to it's 80s inspiration, Hatchet (2006) walks through rounds and rounds of the clichés the genre is known for, which may or may not be a hot idea for many people who are looking for more than just tropes. It can't help but be guilty of the flaws, including a cheesy stab on comedic writing and improv, as well as a testy middle act that's mostly people just running around the woods, trying to escape an evil on two legs. Some of the trappings work, but the hamminess certainly has its levels and, in the end, it will all be up to the taste of the people watching this film.

Then again, as a Friday night flick, you can't go wrong with realistic latex gore and blood that run like rivers, packed in a slasher flick that knows its genre well. Hatchet (2006) may not be everybody's piece of pie, but for those who love their gore and their slashers, they ought to give this film a try and a chance. Who knows? Maybe with all the hype going on with it, one might end up hitching along to the ole' Crowley Place and have oneself holding on to all yer pieces!

Bodycount:
1 male found mutilated
1 male dismembered to bits, torn in half
1 boy had his face split open with a hatchet by accident (flashback)

1 male mentioned wasted away from depression (flashback)
1 male hacked in half with a hatchet
1 female had her head pulled apart by the jaws
1 male had his head twisted off
1 male decapitated with a spade
1 female had her face shredded with a belt-sander, impaled to a shovel's handle
1 female dismembered offcamera
1 male had his arms ripped off, slammed against a tombstone
Total: 10