Rating: *
Starring: Val Kilmer, Ving Rhames and Luke Goss
Yeah, why is every slasher movie I see with Val Kilmer in it have him dead after a few scenes? I mean in Mindhunters (2004), he had a couple of scenes as a FBI head and next thing you know, he's a friggin' meat puppet with hooks pierced into his face. Now, this? I almost feel sorry for the guy.
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| Dead by dawn...or less |
Anywho, this dreck of a flick opens some time in the 1950s, with a boy snapping from the fact that his family is tarnished by daddy's cheating, mum's depression and granma... being old-ness, I guess. Like that ole Halloween night in Haddonfield, the kid kills his family with a hunting knife. No one lived. The End. Now, on to the next part!
Fast forward to today, a groups of five tourists and their van driver crashes off the road after avoiding a lady that came out of nowhere. Of course, they're stuck now in the woods with their driver dead but, look-ho! A Samaritan! Good! He tells them there's no cellphone signal, however! Not good! He then invites these folks to stay at a creepy old house where he lives alone and also happens to be the same place the opening massacre happened! Definitely not cool!
The Samaritan starts acting all weird and creepy once the tourists settle in, of course. Uneasy vibes around the house and someone from the group dies mysteriously. Oh yeah, there's something not right here. What's more is that there's also a storm brewing outside, keeping the tourists in so they try keeping their cool. That is, until another one of them is found dead.
Should have been a fair run, but Seven Below has this awful atmosphere that just doesn't work. The mystery aspect of it is hardly engaging at all thanks to some pretty lame scripting and direction. I can't really decide if the guys who planned this flick wanted a thriller, a ghost flick or a slasher, but there's certainly an attempt to be elevated of sorts by doing the whole "you can't fight fate" idea by having their supposed host bringing them in because fate calls for it and history has to repeat itself. Kinda did, yes, but so what? It was hardly entertaining, made the film feel longer than it needed to be and the pretentiousness of it all is just ho-hum.
The movie's practically confused by its own plot and they did very little to fix that. Heck, all I know is all of them is a reincarnation of the murdered family and, if I get this right, one of them is the reincarnation of the killer kid in the opening. Okay, fair enough, but why on Earth did the kid gone crazy in the first place? Explain that! No? There you go.Okay, let see if there's anything I can say good about this film...I'm gonna try here...alright...here it comes...
I have nothing.
Kills? Lame and repetitive. Score? Doesn't fit at all. Acting? Why is Val Kilmer associated with these no-names? In a B-Flick? Camera Effects? CG at its worse. Sense? Not one found.
Long story short, lame-a-thon. Avoid like a fat kid with his mouth open, staring at you while you eat a bag of chips.
Bodycount:
1 female gets a hunting knife to the gut
1 female found with a throat cut
1 male gets a hunting knife to the gut
2 girls stabbed to death with a hunting knife
1 male had his head crashed against a windshield during car collision
1 male strangled to death
1 male found with a throat slit
1 female stabbed in the gut with a hunting knife
1 male stabbed in the chest with a hunting knife
1 male stabbed in the back with a hunting knife
1 male presumably killed with a kitchen knife
Total: 12
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