"Roses are red, Violets are Blue...": Valentine (2001)

Valentine (2001)
Rating: ***
Starring: Denise Richards, David Boreanaz and Marley Shelton

"...They'll need dental records

to identify you..."

Jeremy Melton was just a young nerdy kid in 1988 who wanted to dance with the popular girls. The lad, predictably, gets rejected from each girl he asked as he bravely passes through the It group, until he met a plump yet equally posh gal who took his advances in pity. But when they're caught making out by a group of bullies, she tore herself away from Jeremy and called him a pervert. Humiliated, beaten and thrown to a reform school for his "assault", Jeremy vows vengeance...

Not the kind of "bow and arrow" you want
in your heart

Now thirteen years passed, a pre-med student has her job dissecting corpses set aside when a cherub-masked killer attacks and cuts her neck, disposing her in a conveniently provided body bag. Turns out she is one of the five girls that rejected Jeremy back at prom night '88 and the rest of them suspect that he's back to exact vengeance, all while being taunting them with grim valentine cards and maggot-infested chocolates. It soon becomes a race against time to identify the face underneath mask and stop a killer before they're all murdered.

Valentine (2001) is technically just a slasher. Just. A rather simple movie, it doesn't offer anything remarkable to point out other than the fact it's very cliched and campy. The story is somewhat predictable in its structure and the cast of teen stars, the prominent victims of 90s horror, play one dimensional characters. Nagging to be told, too, are the film's continuity problems which are dozens, ranging from the tiny things you wouldn't notice at all (such as the style of incisions one character was doing at the early scene) to some questionable plausibility. (The scene with the pool, for example, where the killer delivers a rose to a would-be victim and yet was able to hide in a very enclosed room with little to no place to do so at all!)

Wrong place at the wrong time

That being said, Valentine (2001) does embrace the aforementioned cliches and simplicity for entertainment, which works to a considerably good extent. The whodunit plot has its moments of engagement thanks to an intentionally hammy overtone despite an overly serious and mature feel. In fact, comparing to this film's director's (Jamie Blanks) previous slasher Urban Legend (1998), this film is rather plot-driven seeing the focus on uncovering the killer among the characters and red herrings, rather than being a basic throw of of stalk-and-kill antics There's still stalking and there's definitely a lot of killing, but it took its time building its suspense that makes the mystery a worthwhile watch, if not all flawed.

As a holiday slasher, it also gets a few good points for being a satire on the holiday; Valentine has the 14th day made with its outlandish Heart-day themed scenarios and plot devices. The cherub-masked killer is a darkly-comic touch, giving further irony to the holiday as one murder have the mythical figure of Love use a bow and arrow to slay an unfortunate gal. The extensive use of parties as a killing ground is also a nice touch, with this being the only film I know wherein the killer crashes two Valentine themed parties to hunt down some posh gals and snotty boys. (Speaking of which, guess you didn't know the killer's nosebleeding habit is a nod to another slasher, Alone in the Dark (1982). More specifically, a killer there named "Bleeder"!)

One of the highlights of the film: The Powerdrill scene

In terms of gore, the kills are very basic and most of them occurred offscreen, leaving the film partially dry in comparison to most slashers. Then again, this was the 90s and gore was technically not the welcomed wave back then; instead, Valentine (2001) make up for this with some fair murders that stood out for their execution and style (Powerdrill scene anyone?)

I wouldn't say it's a masterpiece, but it is a flawed gem. It's simplistic nature betters the film as a B-grade viewing so it's far from unwatchable. In fact, if you ever feel lonely in Valentines Day, I suggest you rent a copy of this film and just laugh the pain out. I'm sure you'll get your girl/guy/farm animal next time but until then, have a great Valentine.

Bodycount:
1 female had her neck cut with a knife
1 female shot on the gut with bows
1 male bludgeoned to death with steam iron
1 male axed on the back
1 female found murdered
1 female thrown through shower window, dropped neck-first to a shard
1 female electrocuted in pool with a plugged power drill
1 male head found in a pond
1 female repeatedly shot
Total: 9