WARNING: THIS BLOG CONTAINS BODYCOUNT. HIGH RISK OF SPOILERS. ENTER IF YOU DARE.

Monday, May 6, 2013

All Dancing! All Slashing! All Dragging!: Slash Dance (1989)

Slash Dance (1989)
rating: *
starring: Cindy Ferda, James Carroll Jordan, J. Buzz Von Ornsteiner

Do understand one thing here; as I write down these words, I'm also contemplating of placing a surgical laser in front of my face to burn my eyes out for watching the abysmal wreck that is Slash Dance. For all honesty's sake, this wasn't even the movie I'm looking for! I was looking for another dance-themed slasher known as Last Dance after reading about it from one of my favorite blogs, but somehow I got confused and got this instead. This, kids, is the reason why I always make lists...
So don't give me that face, Spike! A list can save you!

Do as I was forcing myself to watch this in hopes that it'll be good, I found myself going through an hour and so about a female cop named Tori investigating some missing dancers who all signed up for a part in a musical. Take two buffed-up lesbians that looked like pro-wrestlers (acts like one, too, if you got my drift), a scene involving biker punks who, after being kicked in the balls, asked our cop for a date, one dash of a competitive cop story that gotten nowhere and one mentally challenged stage-hand into the fray, and you got a slasher movie that did very little slashing and more low-budget cop antics.

With countless padding for "developing" our characters, or rather just Cindy Ferda's character Tori, you can tell we're up for another misfire with Slash Dance. What I find weird is that a lot of directors tried making one of these "dance-slashers", including the Godfather of Italian gore Fulci himself with Murderock! I've yet to see a decent one, but instead I got this trash, which may or may not kill my interest to these kind of slasher flicks if they're all gonna be this bad. (A bit too conclusive for my end, but otherwise, please understand, I'm still a bit hazy from watching this dreck.)

The direction is flat, and so does everyone else's acting skills here for that matter; director James Shyman tries to melt and mix slasher with comedy, which is an old yet welcomed hat even by today's standard, but thanks to his lifeless directing, the film's nothing more than a headache that has to be avoided. Come to think of it, what else would you expect from the same guy who've made the disastrous Hollywood's New Blood? With little to no blood to offer and the killer's rampaging around wearing nothing but a black pillow sack with eye-holes, I'm not even sure if this is legal to watch for being so atrocious! Even for a slasher film!

Okay, maybe I'm going way overboard here; I'm sure there are worse slashers out there, but come on, what was this movie supposed to be? A slasher film? A cop thriller? An underground comedy? I understand that by around this time of the 80s, slasher films are dying down and the people who're struggling on making one were desperate for ideas, but let's all be honest here, this movie would never had made a difference anyway.

Unless, of course, you have a fetish for leotards and dancing, then there's a scene or two for you to watch here, but what was the point then for this to be a slasher film in the first place? You're better off watching them direct to video Disney flicks like High School Musical or some shit like that, but if you're llooking for a slasher film, or a comedy, or a decent film to watch at all? Then Slash Dance isn't any of those kind of films. Avoid at all cost!

Now where was I-? Oh yeah!
AAAAAAAAARRRHHHHHHHH!!!
Bodycount:
1 female throat cut with wood saw
1 female glimpsed dead from drug overdose (flashback)
1 female strangled with rope
1 male knifes himself on the gut
1 male shot dead
1 male logging saw to the face
total: 6

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